Manolo for the Big Girl

Good afternoon lambkins! How’s every little thing? Are my Virginia people doing okay in the Snowpocalypse? I love Virginia with all my cold little heart, but people, listen to me when I say IT IS THE END TIMES and if armageddon really IS near, I suggest you all go to the Jefferson Hotel in Richmond and practice ascending that staircase with grace, because there’s nothing more embarrassing than looking tacky when you’re getting all raptured up by the Lord.

Sorry I was gone last week, but I’m trying to do my damn taxes.

Surprisingly, I’m not a last minute tax gal.  Starting the last week of January I pretty much stand outside the mailbox of stately Château Gâteau and give my letter carrier the stinkeye until all my sundry forms and things have arrived. I think he’s avoiding me now, which FINE see if I make him any more fudge for Christmas.

Anyway, now I have all but one of my necessary forms so I feel I owe it to you, myself and my country to put in the next installment of 12 Months of Cocktails

Also, I feel like I should add that I have been given an inordinate level of crap from my friends, the owners of The Good Knight here in Austin, WHO SO WRONGLY CLAIM I’ve  stolen their cocktail menu and used it for my 12 months of cocktails.

I will say these are very nice people who have, without a doubt, the best bar for classic cocktails in town and BECAUSE they’re honestly two of the dearest people in the world (and I will die if they cut off my supply of pâté) I will kindly overlook the fact that THEY ARE CLEARLY ON THE GOOFBALLS.

July: French 75

Celebrate Bastille Day on July 14th by mixing up a fun little party drink using two of France’s great exports: Cognac and Champagne. There’s a little fuss over whether to use gin or Cognac in a French 75 and I suppose it goes back to who you believe invented it. If the frogs came up with it, odds are they used Cognac since it was easier to find. However, if the Brits are the original authors, you can bet your stiff upper lip they used gin. It’s delicious either way, so why not have two?

1 oz lemon juice
2 oz Cognac or gin
1 sugar cube (alternately, a teaspoon of simple syrup)
Champagne to top
lemon peel

In a cocktail shaker full of ice, shake together lemon juice, cognac/gin and simple syrup if you’re using it. Strain into a champagne flute, drop in a sugar cube and top off with champagne. Garnish with a strip of lemon peel. C’est si bon, but gardez-vous: these go down easy but too many and you’ll regret it in the morning.

Plumcake’s variation: French 79

Bastille Day 1979 is my birthday, so of course I have a preferred variation of this classic:
1 oz lemon juice
1 oz Domain de Canton ginger liqueur (this French stuff is aces, and made from Cognac)
1 oz Hendrick’s gin
Champagne to top
fresh ginger

Prepare as above, but omit sugar and drop a medallion of ginger in the glass instead. It’s easier if double the recipe and make two cocktails. You’ll drink ‘em both.

August: Caipirinha

KI as in kite, PURR as in the thing kittens do, REE as in Blue Oyster Cult’s 1976 smash hit Don’t Fear the Reaper, and NYAH, as in “nyah nyah nyah-nyah nyah, I have a better cocktail than you do”

The Caipirinha is to Brazil what the Mojito is to Cuba. Except it’s better, and doesn’t smack of Booze Cruise Pregnancy Scare 2002. Refreshing but deadly in quantity, a proper Caipirinha is made with cachaça, which is a sugar-cane spirit that’s similar to a flavorful white rum but with a tequila kick. If you absolutely must, you can make it with white rum, but do yourself a favor and invest in a bottle of cachaça. It’s cheap, delicious and is an interesting alternative to white rum.

In a heavy-based rocks glass, muddle a half a juicy lime (or a whole lime if your fruit isn’t great) with a tablespoon or two of simple syrup or sugar. Fill glass with crushed ice and top off with cachaça. Stir. Drink. Repeat at your peril.

September: Negroni

The perfect summer-to-fall cocktail, although delicious at any time, the Negroni is about as close to a novelty drink as I have in my repertoire. You will need a bottle of Campari, which you might not have around, but buy a bottle and you’ll be surprised by how quickly you’ll go through it. I add a splash to soda for a pert little summer toddy and it features heavily in almost every tomato-based dish coming out of the kitchen at Château Gâteau.

1 oz gin
1 oz Campari
1 oz sweet (red) Vermouth
1 clean strip of orange peel

Shake in an ice-filled cocktail shaker, serve on the rocks.

Novelty time: with the peel in your left hand and a lit match over the cocktail glass in your right, squeeze the peel quickly. The oils should catch fire. Drop it into the glass. I can’t always manage to do it, but when it works it smells lovely and adds a wonderful caramel citrus note.

Greetings caption fans, and welcome to another round of Twistie’s Sunday Caption Madness brought to you by my penchant for finding amusing pictures online and finding excuses to bring them to your attention. I’ve tried to find an actual sponsor, but Doritos, Tampax, and Stephen Colbert have all turned me down. Sure, he’ll sponsor the US Speed Skating team, but what about MEEEEEE?????

(gets ahold of self)

Anyway.

Before we get to the game itself, I bring you a special message from raincoaster of Teeny Manolo, reminding you all that they hold a similar (albeit not named for me and therefore not quite as superior as mine) caption contest every single friday. If you love playing the game, please consider going over and joining in the festivities. Also, if you see that it’s a Sunday Caption Madness sunday here, you can bet your bottom (or top, if you prefer) dollar that we’re playing the same game over at Manolo for the Brides. Play at as many blogs as you want…so long as the game is being played.

How does one play? It’s simple. I post a pic I find amusing or just in need of a good caption, you provide said captions via the comments function, next week I declare a winner, and we all go for virtual drinks while I do my best to get Stephen Colbert to pay the bill.

And so without further ado (because there was more than enough ado to go around up there), here is this week’s picture:

Ready…set…snark!

Okay, I have a confession. Until I tried this recipe, ’soubise’ was a term I had heard a few times on Top Chef, but couldn’t actually define and had never eaten. Friends, I am now a huuuuugge fan! This was tremendously yummy and surprisingly simple to make. It takes time, but very little effort for the result. Oh, and this one is vegetarian, and could be made vegan with the substitution of a little olive oil for the butter in the recipe. While I adored the buttery taste of the soubise as written, I’ll probably try it with olive oil myself soon, so Mr. Twistie can join in the fun despite his high cholesterol and lactose intolerance. But in that case, I might also fiddle with the seasonings to add a little extra oomph.

I got the recipe from a friend, and I have no idea where she got it. All I can say is thank you to my buddy for offering up such a great recipe. Join me after the cut for the details.

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…comes the cover of the March issue of Vanity Fair, according to which everyone in “New Hollywood” is a thin white woman:

Whether the problem lies with Hollywood, or with Vanity Fair, or both is up for discussion.

Sources:

Jezebel

Shine

Hey gang! We’ll have the next installment of 12 Months of Cocktails coming up later, but Francesca’s post about Oscar nominee Gabourey Sidibe on the cover of Ebony got me thinking:

Would we ever see a full body shot of a big girl –not a “big girl” like Crystal Renn– on a non race-specific aspirational glossy like W or Vanity Fair without it being fetishized or turned into a bit of tokenism?

Because I think no.

Sure we’ve seen Beth Ditto on the cover of a few alternative mags like Love and NME, and when she’d get a feature in a regular glossy it would always, ALWAYS be about how she’s not afraid to shock the world with her size blah blah blah. She’s an enfant terrible, and her size and willingness to get her kit off at any given chance is part of her gimmick.

And of course There’s this photoshopped into oblivion cover of Queen Latifah from Glamour

Lovely photo BUT: not on this planet nor any other has Queen Latifah had that slender a neck or arms, and she might just be corseted from here to eternity (speaking of: have you ever tried to roll around on a beach in a corset? WAY ill-advised) but methinks Dr Shoppe has done a fair bit of virtual nipping and tucking. Glamour has ALWAYS had the worst, most blatant retouchers on the planet.

But even if she wasn’t retouched to high heaven, it’s still about SIZE.

Lest we forget that the #1 attribute of Queen Latifah is her size and not, say, the fact that she’s won an Oscar, has had a successful music, acting and producing career and is a hell of a good model and role model.

I’ve noticed the magazines aimed at black readers are far more willing to embrace the idea of beauty at every size without making a big honking deal of it.

Granted, the photo editing isn’t great on this mag either, but do you see anything talking about Queen Latifah’s size? No. It’s the same check-out fodder (maybe a little better) as any other women’s interest lifestyle mag.

I would love to see Gabourey Sidibe win an Oscar –and Mo’nique too, whom I love and always have– and I would love to see her looking pretty on the cover of a mainstream glossy magazine without a reference to her size. It would be great. I’d buy a dozen copies and probably not even make fun of what she was wearing. I’m just not sure it’s going to happen.

Today Miss Plumcake wants to know:

What say you? Are mainstream glossies ever going to be as willing as niche publications to put a big girl in all her glory on the cover without mentioning she’s big?

Gabouray Sidibe!

Francesca loves the Gabouray Sidibe. She is beautiful! She is confident! She is sexy!

And here, she is wearing the “Roxie” dress from Monif C.

Francesca asks: short dress or long top?

A la Levni Yilmaz, the sardonic force behind the (not always safe for work) Tales of Mere Existence:

Discuss.

I’m guessing a lot of you have already heard about the new employee discount policy at Whole Foods. For those of you who missed it, it’s a hot mess of ugly.

See, the basic employee discount at Whole Foods is 20%. So far, so good. The problem is that there are variations. They aren’t based on seniority or title. Mind you, I wouldn’t be in favor of variations then, either, but at least it has something to do with performance. No, the variations are based on BMI.

That’s right, the lower the BMI measure, the higher the employee discount. Under the scheme employees with a BMI of 28 – 29.9 will get an employee discount of 22%. A BMI of 26 – 28.9 will get employees a discount of 25%. A 24 – 25.9 BMI means they get a discount of 27%. And anyone managing a BMI below 24 (no lower limit on that measure, either) gets a whopping 30% employee discount. Oh, and they also have to meet healthy measures of blood pressure and cholesterol and not use nicotine products to qualify for the additional discounts.

Of these questions, only one is entirely in the control of the employee. The use of nicotine products is a choice. Frankly, I think it’s a choice that is none of the employer’s darn business, but the fact remains that it is something the individual can choose to do or not. In many if not most cases, blood pressure and cholesterol counts are strongly effected by heredity. As for the BMI, well, one look at Kate Harding’s brilliant BMI Project puts it into perspective, as does the fact that Johnny Depp is overweight, according to his BMI. That’s right, Johnny Depp is overweight.

Let’s just let that sink in a minute……..annnnd we’re back. No discount for Johnny, the flabby fatso!

But even assuming that weight is entirely under the control of the individual, the fact remains that while genetics are the overwhelming predictor of  weight range, poverty is also a better than average indicator of likelihood of a higher body weight. One reason for this is the fact that poor people often can’t afford things like fruits and vegetables and lean meats. Why? Because these foods are more expensive. So Whole Foods CEO John Mackey thinks that people who weigh more need less money to spend on healthful, nutritionally dense foods so that they’ll lose weight.

Look, I don’t know how much the average checker or produce person makes at Whole Foods. I’m not assuming they’re living in abject poverty, but I doubt they’re exactly rolling in moolah, either. And Whole Foods isn’t called ‘Whole Paycheck’ by a lot of people for no reason.

More than that, though, this policy is bad because it discriminates based on things that have nothing whatsoever to do with job performance. A couple ounces of muscle or fat can make the difference between a BMI of 29.9 and one of 30. Muscle weighs more than fat. In fact, virtually the entire NBA is obese to morbidly obese without being fat at all. Are you really going to tell me that a grocery bagger who is into body building is less physically fit than one who has less muscle on his body and thus has a lower BMI? Are you going to try to tell me that one is better at his job than the other based on body type more than an understanding that the eggs go at the top of the bag?

Base any extra employee perks on job performance, Mr. Mackey.

Oh, and until you decide to do that? Suck it.

If you would like to invite Mr. Mackey to suck it, here’s the address:

John Mackey, CEO
Whole Foods Market, Inc.
550 Bowie Street
Austin, TX 78703-4644

You may not know this, but garlic is a food group at Casa Twistie. Very few things get made in my kitchen sans garlic. One of the things that told me Mr. Twistie was The One was the fact that he was willing to share garlic fondue on our first date (that and the fact that he then took me back to his place to watch Monty Python and the Holy Grail, making his move for our first kiss at that romantic juncture when the knight slashes the throat of the Famous Historian which made my heart go pitter-pat). Onions and members of the onion family also feature largely in my cuisine.

So a recipe that features garlic and that oft-overlooked cousin of the onion, the shallot, is always going to get my attention. One that further allows me to make use of that massive chicken I found on sale at Safeway for half price is also a good use of my time and energy. One that also allows me to use up the heavy cream and white wine I had sitting around from previous recipes is yet another great idea. This one did it all and had Mr. Twistie threatening to lick his plate clean. I was about ready to join him, too!

It comes from the Food & Wine Annual for 1997, and I’ll be making it again.

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Ready for some more cocktails? Lord knows I am.

I was ready at about 8:30 this morning when I discovered Château Gâteau had been bodily lifted in the night and set down somewhere in the frozen and dreary north.

Okay, that’s not entirely true, but it IS cold and rainy and miserable and as I have a well-established bais against anything coming out of the sky, trying to hit me (rain, frogs, fuselage, whatever) I’ve been giving the stink eye to every single person who has told me “we need the rain.”

And yeah, I know we do, I think the Plumcake Familial Holdings include a half a ranch somewhere in Texas (No, I don’t know where. Frankly –and this goes for keys, phones and lipglosses too– if I can’t fit it discreetly into my bra, I’m not going to remember where I put it) but that doesn’t mean I have to like the stuff.

Let’s get ready to pour!

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April – Sazerac

I’ve written somewhere only –uh, well I can’t say what since it’s a family blog, but trust me when I say everyone’s got one and it’s NOT an opinion– drink absinthe, and I maintain this is true. HOWEVER.  It’s still tasty when combined with rye, bitters and sugar to form the official cocktail of New Orleans: The Sazerac.

3 oz rye whiskey (ideally Sazerac, of course)
1 oz absinthe or Pernod
2 sugar cubes or a tablespoon simple syrup
several dashes bitters (you want Peychaud’s for historical accuracy)

If using sugar cubes, douse the cubes with bitters in the bottom of a cocktail shaker and muddle until sloppy, add remaining ingredients and ice. Shake, then strain into a chilled rocks glass. The Sazerac is served neat with a twist of lemon on the edge. If you want to impress your friends, learn how to pare a horse’s neck. It’s an entire peel in one spiral.

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May – Mint Julep

The Kentucky Derby is run the first Saturday in May and Mint Juleps are served all around. As with all the best southern things, one really must stand on tradition with the Mint Julep. Ideally you want to drink this in a sterling silver julep cup (I travel with my own) but an extra-cold rocks glass will do. Be sure to snip off the straw close to the rim of the glass. You want to smell the mint as you drink. Be warned: this is pretty much booze and sugar so take it easy.

In a silver cup full of crushed ice, pour in one tablespoon of mint-infused simple syrup. If you don’t have mint simple syrup, muddle a few leaves of mint in the bottom of the glass with plain simple syrup. Stir. Fill the cup with bourbon, stir again and garnish with a sprig of mint and a short-clipped straw.

You may dust some powdered sugar on top –and a red rose petal if you’re being precious on race day– but it’s really not necessary. Be careful.

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June – Bee’s Knees

A silly little cocktail, but very refreshing.

2 oz gin
1 oz lemon juice
1 tbs honey
splash hot water

Pour honey and hot water into cocktail shaker and shake until dissolved. Add lemon juice and gin, fill with ice, shake and strain into anything that holds liquid. Garnish with an orange or lemon wedge. Simplicity itself.