The Big Question
Francesca and Plumcake want to know:
If you could pass on one piece of advice to a younger big girl, what would it be?
63 Responses to “The Big Question”
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August 13, 2007
[...] Reading the responses to our Big Question brought tears to my eyes. Indeed, if only Francesca had known then what she knows now . . . [...]
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August 14, 2007
[...] August 14, 2007 at 9:29 pm · Filed under Body Image, Social Issues, Exercise, Fashion, Beauty Last week, Francesca and Plumcake at Manolo for the Big Girl asked their readers, “If you could pass on one piece of advice to a younger big girl, what would it be?” [...]
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September 18, 2007
[...] If you could pass on one piece of advice to a younger big girl, what would it be? [...]
Wear stuff that fits and flatters you, regardless of the supposed “trend” or the number on the label.
Remember that if things don’t fit right or look good on you, it’s the designer’s fault instead of yours!
Don’t. Diet.
Loud prints, especially floral, are not your friend! Do not be fooled! But always wear what *you* think fit your body right.
No, you do not look good in leather pants. Yes, you deserve to wear what looks great and fabulous on you, and doing this will help you with the whole self-confidence thing which is very useful for finding a mate.
Wear shoes that fit. Otherwise you will have to have bunion surgery and wear flats for the rest of your life and the Manolo girls will be sad.
Be proud of your body and your curves.
Here’s a secret…
Being thin will not make you happy any more than winning the lottery will (maybe for a second, but as time goes on it becomes a liability) happiness come from loving yourself, from having good friends and surrounding yourself with people that care about you.
And, of course, being superfantastic.
Keep the head high, the shoulders back, and walk with great sass and confidence.
Don’t waste a minute of your life hating your body.
And (no disrespect to Jane intended), you can, too, wear leather pants: I had a great-fitting pair in my younger, punkette days, and I got more compliments on those pants than on any other item of clothing I’ve ever owned.
Just don’t buy ‘em skin-tight — not because you’re fat, but because everybody, even skinny rock stars, looks ridiculous in skin-tight leather pants.
People are more interested in what THEY look like than what YOU look like. So stop thinking that everyone is looking at your supposed body “faults” and start living life. Wear what you want and SMILE. :)
You have a shape, show it! Being bigger than the models (who isn’t?)/your best friend/your sister/the girl in line next to you doesn’t mean you have to hide your shape in frumpy sacks. Find your best point, be it cleavage or nice arms, or an hourglass shape (proudly, mine), and flaunt it.
Don’t let your body image stop you from doing whatever you want to do! As a formerly opressed big gal, I have to say I may have missed out on a lot because of my own judgments of myself. Wear colors and awesome jewelry! Go out and be seen! It’s really okay!
Do not obsess about numbers: your size, your weight, your age, your bra size, or your shoe size. Buy what FITS and LOOKS GOOD regardless of what the number says.
And don’t believe sales girls (especially skinny ones) about what looks good. They’re in it for the commission. Shop with someone who’ll tell you the truth.
Oh, that’s two.
I’m sorry, I have more than one …
“It fits” is not a good reason to buy or wear something. Make sure it looks good on you and you like it.
Learn to sew – make your own alterations, make knock-offs, be your own couturiere.
Also, most importantly, listen to your mother!!!
I agree with so much of the advice above. We have lives to live and shoes to buy, and there is not enough time for self-hatred!
This can be much harder for the younger big girl, though. I wish somebody had told me that I’d be able to learn how to love my body, find true love, succeed at many of my goals, and have a rich and satisfying life – all without losing weight! But even though all of those things have come true for me, I would never have believed it was possible when I was a teenager or young adult.
Lead a healthly lifestyle (balanced food choices & excercise), accept yourself, and don’t settle (those are kind of related…).
People are not making fun of you behind your back, no matter how insecure you might feel about it. These people are all too wrapped up in their own shizz to think that you look bad.
So the best thing you can do is be confident. People are more likely to accept you as you are if they don’t know about your insecurity. And they’re more likely to listen and respect you if you respect yourself and show more confidence in yourself than they have in themselves.
But don’t go crazy with the Manic Panic: it’s been done.
I would echo jennhi with “don’t diet” and add on a “don’t be afraid to look silly exercising either.”
Also, love isn’t reserved for thin girls. Don’t believe anyone who even hints at this.
Love yourself unconditionally.
Read and take to heart the wise words of The Plumcake and The Francesca. Follow their advice in regard to your fashion choices. You will be wonderfully shocked at what will make you look and feel fabulous. Do not, under any circumstances, let other people’s negativity and hateful attitudes bring you down.
Love yourself unconditionally.
Wear a properly fitted underwire bra. Keep the girls up where they belong.
Embrace your curves and show them off. Being proud of the way you look will make you feel better and get the attention you are entitled to.
Being happy isn’t dependent upon being perfect.
I’d let her know to appreciate who she is, that her personhood comes from the inside, not the out, to make the most of her assets and appreciate her talents and gifts, to ignore the asshats of this world and build a life she loves for herself. It’s the same advice I’m giving my skinny daughter.
Just because it comes in your size doesn’t mean you can wear it.
Beware the ballet flat because it will give you monstrous feet and cankles.
Stand up straight and always look ‘em in the eye.
Never, ever, go without the best-fitting bra you can afford.
Don’t let your weight get in the way of your life. You don’t have to be thin to deserve love and happiness.
Also, don’t think you can hide in oversized, shapeless clothes. You’ll look better in clothes that fit you properly.
What everyone else has said.
Also, don’t read mainstream fashion magazines. They have a vested interest in making you believe everyone else in the world is a size 4 trying to shed those “last 5 pounds” to become a size 2. It’s a lie. Look around you at the real world and trust your eyes. Some people are smaller than you, and some are bigger. Learn what looks best on you, don’t talk about your weight or clothing size (it’s boring!), and ignore what doesn’t work for you.
I agree with Jezebella…don’t look at the size, buy what fits. I will never forget how lousy I looked when I was refusing to admit I needed plus sizes and was trying to squeeze into an XL. It was Not Pretty.
And remember that big tenty things make you look even bigger. FIT, FIT, FIT.
First, everyday when you look at yourself in a full length mirror, tell that girl you she looks beautiful.
Secondly, when you’re at a store trying on that cute little dress, your criteria for buying it should be: a) Wow! I look like a goddess, b) God! I feel like a delicious diva or c) (Snap your fingers)! Wait till they get a load of me in this little hot number! If any of these do not spontaneously pop in your head, leave the dress on the rack!
As I said last night to one of the younger girls at a mini-party i was attending: STDs are the gift that last forever. And you’ll have plenty of time to drink during college. Oh, and remember: myspace if visible to everyone, so don’t post dirty pictures.
Practice yoga. I found it helped me learn that my body was a PART of the team, with mind & spirit, deserving of love & care, and not an opponent to be crushed. I learned alot about who I really am, and how much better my life is when I am honest about this!
Eats lots of fruit and veggies — not because they’ll “make you skinny” but because they’ll make your hair glossy and your eyes shiny and your immune system strong. And, big girls look GREAT when they’re strong — so go for long walks with your iPod, and do some pushups in your room, and look to strong female athletes for inspiration.
sorry, that’s more than one……
Love, value, and celebrate yourself.
You are fabulous, and you deserve someone wonderful who loves you and respects you as you are. Life is too short and you can’t trancend your own insecurites if you have to cater to someone else’s as well.
If you’re dating anyone who uses your weight to put you down? Do not pass go, do not collect $200, dump ‘em like a dead smelt and move on. You deserve better.
Let your big personality shine. You are not too big, too much, too loud or too anything. You are amazing and sometimes it takes a bigger body to handle all that superfantasticness! Oh and beware credit cards…pay them off every month and don’t spend beyond your means…it may make you happy for a minute, but it’s gonna come back and make you miserable for months.
Try not to compare yourself to others. Your body is your own; it is unique and it is wonderful. Everyone is different–we come in all different shapes and sizes. I guarantee you that someone out there envies you for your curves, for your shapely calves, for your solidity and sheer PRESENCE! So be good to yourself.
And remember — exercise is your friend! It gives you energy. It makes you glow. It firms up your superfantastic muscles. But don’t get discouraged if you hate high-impact stuff, like running or basketball or what-have-you. Try going for a walk or a swim. It’ll really rev up your day!
And don’t just exercise because you want to meet some unrealistic ideal, like fitting into a size 0. Being skinny is absolute misery if you have to abuse yourself to get there. I’d much rather have shapely muscles and glowing skin and a non-rumbling tummy and shiny hair and a “plus size” tag in my jeans, than have bad teeth and hair-falling-out and dull skin in a size 2.
Also, wear shoes that fit well and are comfy. You can be a rockin’ diva and still be good to your feet.
Okay, that was way more than one thing. But I really wish more people would take these things to heart. It took me a long time to figure them out.
Jenna, you totally stole mine! ;) But I’ll add this: sometimes your partner might try to sabotage your efforts to stay healthy or improve your confidence because he/she is terrified you will leave him/her if you realize how truly superfantastic you are, and how NOT superfantastic he/she is. Do not tolerate this. If the relationship is worth the effort to salvage, try to get to the root of his/her problem and let them see how their actions are hurting you. If the relationship isn’t worth this effort (and it can be quite a challenge!), get out ASAP. You are not required to carry the burdens of anyone’s insecurities except your own.
QuiteLight has it right on. You can build a healthy view of yourself when you stop treating your body like some random object that you just happen to inhabit, rather than an essential aspect of who you in fact are. Take a few minutes each day, breathe deeply and appreciate all of the beauty in your life. Feel how connected you are to that and stop listening to the voices in your head that say you are anything other than exactly who you are supposed to be. It sounds totally cheesy but my biggest regret about being younger is that I didn’t have faith in my(large)self & didn’t know how to create that space.
What everyone else said. Especially about getting a good, well fitting bra. And tight things don’t look good on anyone.
Be confident! I’m a plus-size in my late-ish 20s and wish I could have realized that one a little earlier :-) There is nothing more fashionable, or sexy as being confident in your own beauty & comfortable in your skin!
Healthy exercise can be a big part of being healthy and feeling good. Wear whatever flatters your shape, and always have a good friend you can laugh with. Never feel guilty for choosing desert. Smile, laugh, run, twirl, and be nice to yourself as well as others.
I guess the main point is to have enough confidence is your own uniqueness to not diet in the sense that we used to. If I had not dieted I would probably have ended up in my fifties at something like the same weight I was in my twenties. However I did diet, hard and long and ended up so woefully fat that I had to have a gastric band installed to lose a heck of a lot of weight and I’m not done yet. I wasted so many years on feeling like I had to do this thing or…what? I don’t know. When I look at the photos I wonder what I was smoking.
Oh yeah, magazines ain’t your friend.
And here is one for the shorter fabulous of us (a lesson I learned and have tried, with limited success, to pass on to my also short and curvy daughters):
Never, Ever (trust me on this one) allow yourself to be photographed standing next to a much taller person, no matter how curvy or flabulous they are. If they are tall and thin, this goes double. Even if you have to insist that the photographer’s assistant go find the apple box for you to stand on. Even if you have to insist that the photographer make the tall person sit on a stool. Do not, for the love of Mike (or Fred or Larry) allow yourself to be photographed standing next to anyone who is more than 2″ taller than you are. WHY? Because the photographer, in his or her efforts to get you both in, will raise the camera head…and you will be cut off at the shoulders or bust line while the other person will be seen from the waistline up. Guess who looks like even shorter and frankly, dumpier than in real life? Yep. The tall person will always look tall and slender, even if the photographer makes them sit on the stool. Being short is a curse, but we don’t have to be flogged for it.
This is some of the best advice I wish I had heard when I was young, one thing to add, never forget “big, blonde and beautiful” regardless of hair color it is important to remember that you are super fantastic and to let that shine through. (oh, and seeing hairspray is always a plus)
“Never, Ever (trust me on this one) allow yourself to be photographed standing next to a much taller person, no matter how curvy or flabulous they are. If they are tall and thin, this goes double.”
LOL! This has been a problem for the Annalucia, who is 5’5″ and married to the tall (6’6″) and very thin Tedesco. The solution is for the two of us to sit side-by-side, or for the Tedesco to sit while the Annalucia stands alongside.
Know that you’re beautiful. Everyone else will catch on…
remember – just because you can do it up, it does not mean that it fits. Clothes that fit skim the body – they do not squeeze it, nor do they cover it in a tent.
and don’t attempt to lose weight (if you want to) until you KNOW deep down you are ready to commit to a lifestyle change. Otherwise, it won’t work and you’ll do that yo-yo thing that’s bad for your health.
These are the same things I would tell any young lady, since I think our insecurities are all the same. And even if you’re thin now, you probably won’t be later and will benefit from the self-acceptance.
Your beauty, acceptance, love, success, and enjoyment of life are in no way dependent on your size. They are the same for everyone in every sort of body and situation–you choose to put yourself out there, to be confident, to love and enjoy the world around you. Take what you want because it’s yours for the having. Be fierce and beautiful and never apologize for being your wonderful self. You deserve to be here as much as any supermodel or Nobel Prize laureate.
And if I had a second, it would be to second the advice about fit and flattering your body. People make assumptions about slovenliness and size, so you do have to step it up a little to overcome that. Buy nice things for yourself that you *love* and feel beautiful in, then have them tailored to fit you well. Pay no attention to the number on the tag. Your butt didn’t suddenly get bigger, the designer made it smaller. Cheap clothes are a false economy that works for no one.
Best piece of advice EVER given to me:
If you are unhappy about your weight, job, life, etc, YOU have the power to change it. All you have to do is decide to make an effort to work towards being happy.
And BTW, one of my friends is very thin and quite striking, and even she has self confidence issues. Being thin fixes nothing. All the work needs to be done on the inside.
I’m going to have to quibble a bit with nabushi — Listen to your mother, fine — but don’t believe her if she tells you that no one will love you if you get any fatter/don’t lose weight right now/ etc. Yes, my mother really did tell me that — and meant it, but eventually had to take it back when she saw how fabulous I became (and how loved I was) even though I was twice her size.
Nony is not the big girl herself, but the best advise she has was a comment from a lady-friend; when Nony complimented said friend on some lovely chunky jewelry she struck a dramatic pose and said: “Oh, honey, I’ve decided that ‘If you’ve got it, decorate it!’”
Which is about the same thing as others have said: be confident and enjoy yourself, because others will respond to you based on the image you project to the world.
Learn to love yourself just the way you are. That love will become the self-confidence that reminds you the you are smart and fabulous in most any situation.