“One thing I like about fat girls is that they’ll always [sleep with] you.”
By PlumcakeI wish I could say I hadn’t heard it before.
I wish I could say it was completely untrue.
I get it. I do. I know that positive male attention can be hard to come by when you’re a big girl, and I know that we can have some pretty serious self-esteem issues. It’s easy to get beaten down when everywhere you look you’re being told you are unworthy. Unworthy of wearing these clothes, of dating that man, of getting what you want out of life. See, only people who work hard deserve good things, and if you really worked hard, you wouldn’t still be fat, would you?
So you go out looking cute –or as cute as you’re going to get– and you meet a guy. Maybe he tells you he likes a girl “with a little meat on her bones” and maybe he trash talks skinny chicks –an ex-girlfriend who was “like a skeleton”– just enough to make you feel a little better about the way your butt spreads across the barstool. And even though you suspect he’s a player and not really your type, you sigh and remind yourself how long it’s been since a man has shown interest in you and made you feel really desirable.
So what happens next?
If you’re me at 22, you end up in the back of a classic Coupe DeVille (black with kid grey interior) doing the sort of disreputable but impressively acrobatic activities that cause you to think “hmm, if I ever want to run for office I’ll probably need to get this guy killed” and when you get home you feel great because even though he’s not Prince Charming, he’s a guy! and he likes you! Not just for your brains or your personality, but for your body, too, and it’s so damn NICE.
Until it isn’t.
Because he doesn’t call, and when you call him he tells you that he’s “not really ready for a relationship” and then slyly suggests some sort of friends-with-benefits situation. “Let’s just see where it goes” he says, and now you’re back at zero.
Or maybe a little worse than zero, because you’ve been delivered that “unworthy” message, loud and clear again and so a little more self-esteem gets chipped away again and it starts all over again.
Listen. I’m not going to tell you what to do with your lady parts. I figure you grew ‘em, you can manage ‘em, but if there’s one bit of wisdom that I can impart it’s this: you cannot screw your way to self-worth. We’re always going to be told we’re not good enough. Either because we’re fat or because we’re women or because we just live in a culture where –at least at the time of writing– being a marketing executive is not punishable by death.
So let’s refocus. Let’s learn to love our own bodies, to seduce our own senses, the book at the bottom of the page can show you some tricks, others you’ll learn in your own time. There are a million cures for low self-esteem but –I promise– none of them are delivered by injection.
Mama Gena’s guide to the Womanly Arts.
August 28th, 2007 at 9:14 am
Beautiful post! Manolo should feature this one on his weekly links, a lot of women need to hear this message, regardless of body size.
August 28th, 2007 at 10:09 am
Hear, Hear!
August 28th, 2007 at 10:15 am
[...] Manolo says, the Plumcake has written the post that every young person, everyone, should go read. [...]
August 28th, 2007 at 10:22 am
[STANDING OVATION!!!] Brava, brava! [throwing roses up on stage]
August 28th, 2007 at 10:25 am
I heart Plumcake. That is all.
August 28th, 2007 at 10:52 am
A-freaking-men, Plumcake!
I’ve got a few friends I’ll be ordering to come read this immediately.
Come for the wisdom, stay for the snark.
August 28th, 2007 at 11:12 am
Even as we grow older and learn to accept who we are and how we look, that feeling of low self-esteem never really leaves us. Whether it’s because we’re fat, or female or wore glasses in 3rd grade or ______ (you fill in the blank). It’s sad that those chipped away chunks of our self esteem never grow back. Sometimes they’re replaced with other phobias, sometimes they heal over and you think you’re past letting someone, especially some slob with a 25 I.Q. on the street (6th street in Austin in particular – but I’m sure each place has it’s own similar gathering spot for the “beautiful people”), that you don’t even know, hurt you with a drunken comment about the size of your ass being that of a 747, but it still does. No, not like it did when you were 22, but it still stings. I have yet to figure out how not to let it chip away, just a little, in that moment, at my self esteem.
However, I have come to realize that this body that has been deemed so lacking, and this person that may have been deemed ugly or stupid or fat or so very useless, isn’t anything more or less than any other body on this planet. A little planet, in a vast incredible universe full of wonders that are so much bigger than anything one person, on one planet, can fully comprehend.
We really are beautiful little bits of star-dust, inside and out, and the ability to see so far beyond what the shallow “beauty-and-money-are-what-matters” people will ever see, is what makes us all the more beautiful. We get to be outside that oh, so very limited view.
I, for one, would rather have my view, fat-butt and all. You go Plumcake, I’ve got your back.
August 28th, 2007 at 11:55 am
For a man like me who happens to prefer the plus size body shape, does that make me a fetishist? While I suspect some may think so, I think not. I am secure enough in my preferences, but I do wonder what the objects of my affection and attention believe.
August 28th, 2007 at 12:06 pm
well, aging roue, that depends. Do you call the next day? Do you send flowers? Do you take the lady out and proudly introduce her as your girlfriend? Do you tell her she’s beautiful, even when you’re not trying to get in her pants? Do you even remember her last name? The difference between a player and a gentleman is in his behavior outside of the bedroom (or the back seat of a Cadillac, depending).
August 28th, 2007 at 12:10 pm
Oh, and I meant to say, Plumcake, that post totally rocks.
August 28th, 2007 at 12:13 pm
Being a big girl I know exactly what you are saying and I am so glad to see it in writing! Amen Sister, keep spreading that big girl gospel!
August 28th, 2007 at 12:14 pm
Thank you, Plumcake! Women of all sizes, shapes, and ages can learn a thing or two from your wisdom. Men, too.
August 28th, 2007 at 12:44 pm
Jane–the answer to your question(s) is of course yes: thats what a gentleman does. I was more interested to see what the ladies think about someone who might appear to be slim and physically fit who has a preference for a larger lady. (and none of this is meant to say personality, compatibility etc are not important–of course they are). Larger ladies with whom I become more acquainted have told me they entertain the idea that I might be some sort of fetishist.
August 28th, 2007 at 12:48 pm
Oh Plumcake! Bless you. You’ve just described my life to a “T”. Sleep with the wrong guys, marry the wrong guy, sleep with some more wrong guys. Why do I always think the problem is me?
I’m old enough now to know better, but it still hurts when you think that it seems as if almost every “sin” or misstep” you can commit in life is worthy of forgiveness, except the “sin” of being fat.
So anyway, I took a good look around me one day and decided if you couldn’t join ‘em, beat ‘em. I’ve made my way up the corporate ladder and somewhere along the way I found my self-esteem and now I can proudly tell anyone who doesn’t like or respect it to kiss my big beautiful butt!
Thank you for putting my feelings so eloquently into words. You ROCK girlfriend!
August 28th, 2007 at 1:09 pm
Great, great post, Plumcake!
Fat women are expected to be desperately grateful for any kind of male attention, from any kind of man — and, too often, we are. And it makes it too easy to take advantage of us.
Or we become suspicious: Why is this guy talking to me? Does he think I’ll be an easy [bed partner]? Is he a loser who assumes a fat chick will be willing to put up with his loserness? Why doesn’t he want to compete for the thin girls?
Or, of course, the nightmare scenario: Is he setting me up so he and his friends can laugh at me for believing any man could possibly find me attractive? (Yes, I have had this happen, and not when I was a teenager, either. I shot the jerk down, to the great amusement of his buddy.)
I wonder what’s wrong with people who would go out of their way to cause pain to a stranger. I’ve never even known anybody that I believed for a moment would do that; where do they come from?
August 28th, 2007 at 1:36 pm
Big girls, you are not alone in this. The list is long. I’ve been there. I’ve had many girlfriends cry on my shoulder. I’ve warned my girlfriends because I’ve seen it coming. I’ve watched girls turn on each other because of what some stupid guy did. Beauties and plain janes, large and thin, voluptuous and sticks. We can’t allow someone else, anyone else, male or female, determine our self-worth. Sure it feels good to get attention, but that doesn’t fix the problem. There isn’t anything you can do about the way that other people act. You only have control over yourself. The physical is fleeting, it is what is in the heart that remains.
August 28th, 2007 at 2:40 pm
Preach it, sistah!
August 28th, 2007 at 2:54 pm
“No one can make you feel inferior without your permission.” -Eleanor Roosevelt
August 28th, 2007 at 2:58 pm
Aging Roue-
Francesca does not think that having a fetish is, by definition, a bad thing.
Rather, Francesca says: If you keep dropping the fat girls to go on to other fat girls, if you ever find yourself telling a big girl that she is not big enough, or if you try to get your girlfriends to gain weight, then you are creepy and a jerk.
If you are a man who happens to prefer women who are cushiony, and once you find a good cushiony woman with whom you are compatible you support her wishes to have exactly the kind of body that SHE wants, and you stay with her and adore her and respect her — and like to pat her softer parts– well, then, you are every fat girl’s dream man, and in fact Francesca deeply wishes there were more men like you!
xoxo, Francesca
August 28th, 2007 at 3:21 pm
[...] much. My sex life isn’t really anyone’s business. But I think a lot of us have read the post over at Manolo for the Big Girl and I’ve been doing some [...]
August 28th, 2007 at 3:21 pm
aging roue–
That’s a very good question. I happen to be an average sized girl–not thin by any means, but not truly overweight, either, though I have a much more inclusive definition of “average” than the media–and I personally do not like thin or overly muscled men. However, that is not my first criteria for dating. I care more about personality than any body type or feature, and to me, this marks not a fetish, but a preference. It’s quite natural to have preferences, whether they be for brown hair vs. blonde, brown eyes vs. blue, or soft, round bodies vs. harsh, angular physiques.
August 28th, 2007 at 3:29 pm
frumpie–I think preference not fetish says it best–and of course, body configuration is just a part of the overall “package.” The most impotant thing you–or any of us can be– is healhy and confident. Cheers to all.
August 28th, 2007 at 4:42 pm
Ummm… you don’t have to be overweight to experience this kind of stuff. You could have been writing about me at 17-18-19 and at that time I was not overweight – just had (very) low self esteem.
August 28th, 2007 at 6:44 pm
I think this is a really interesting post. The main point I hear is encouraging people to stop using sex as a form of external validation, and get in touch with their boundaries and preferences around sex. I love those ideas!
The only thing I would toss out in addition to what others have said, is that for me, sex and relationships are less tied to self-esteem and self-worth, and more about negotiation. If I’m attracted to someone and want to get involved (whether physically or emotionally or both), I’m basically asking my prospective partner if they’re interested…and if they’re not, it doesn’t mean I’m unattractive or unlovable or whatever, it just means that person isn’t interested.
I think being comfortable with my own self worth makes it easier not to take those kinds of things personally, and to disregard any deliberately hurtful words or actions that are really about someone else’s issues and nothing to do with me. For me, *that’s* the most important healing work I can give to myself when it comes to sex or relationships.
August 28th, 2007 at 7:58 pm
“some déclassé spray gel enthusiast whose parents may, strictly speaking, share more genetic material than usually considered acceptable in polite society.”
I don’t understand why, when writing an article about self-esteem, you feel the need to devalue others. Insulting others isn’t necessary to make you feel better about yourself.
August 28th, 2007 at 9:39 pm
4M, Plumcake was clearly using that amusing and tongue-in-cheek description to refer to those men who are very disrepectful of women, in particular the guy who said, “One thing I like about fat girls is that they’ll always [sleep with] you.”
It’s very hard to devalue someone who has limited worth to begin with.
August 28th, 2007 at 10:11 pm
I used to BE one of those “fat girls that’ll always sleep with you” in college *big sigh*. My heart and soul now belong to the Bear (KateriBella’s husband) who pulled me from the “romantical interlude trash heap” ten years ago and still makes me feel beautiful every day, even when I don’t think I am. What makes my evil alter-ego grin and laugh is that the girls who made fun of me for being bigger than they were and me never “actually dating anyone” are still, alas, single and bemoaning that fact….and some have blatantly asked how I got so lucky (The Bear is a very ruggedly handsome, larger man). A smile and a shrug and a tuck of my hair behind my left ear so that the wedding ring sparkles is all they get in return.
I understand the heartache behind hearing that casual sex is all fat girls are good for (fat girls need lovins, too). We’re worth more than that to the right man…unfortunately, I kissed a lot of jackasses to find my stallion.
August 28th, 2007 at 10:20 pm
Amen, Sister Plumcake!
August 28th, 2007 at 10:41 pm
Boss, boss, boss.
Only I use myself for sex, and it totally deepens my feelings of self-worth.
Do you think this is wrong, especially as I’m also my own boss?
XXXO,
K
August 28th, 2007 at 11:57 pm
Skinny girls go through the same thing after one night stands at bars. Anyone expecting a relationship to develop from that is kidding themselves. I think that’s the lesson to take from this post.
However, I disagree with the message that a one-night stand is harmful to your self-worth. Some people can enjoy themselves and still feel worthy and even desired. The key is to realize what you’re getting out of what you’re doing and to know what your motivations are. If you’re going into a one-night stand to fill a hole in your heart, where you want a real and more meaningful relationship, you will end up disappointed and feeling worthless because yes, you’re not going down a road where you’ll find romance and will likely feel rejected after. If you’re going into a one-night stand thinking hey, you’re a sexual person, are desired, and there’s nothing wrong with spending a night with Mr. Right Now, it’s not necessarily a case of low self-esteem.
August 29th, 2007 at 12:07 am
“So let’s refocus. Let’s learn to love our own bodies, to seduce our own senses”
and please stop being victims of your own circumstances. You are the one who makes yourself a victim. It’s not any stupid head guy, it’s not anybody… but you! Take charge, take control… nobody has to be the fat girl who sleeps with everyone…
August 29th, 2007 at 4:55 am
The worst part about the whole worth and sex tangle re: self esteem is that there are guys who will pursue a woman for sex. She might accept in desire, or boredom or in the desire to feel wanted, and then those SAME guys will make that lady feel less worthy *because she had sex with them*
August 29th, 2007 at 8:40 am
I hate the self-esteem issues. I don’t know if I’m fat because I have a low self-esteem or I have a low self-esteem because I’m fat, but I’m working at both and it is helping. I think the actual working at getting healthier helps more than the thought that I’ll look better when I weigh less. But most of the times it is just low enough that I think any guy who shows an interest is joking, and I don’t have the confidence to even let it go that far. I guess there are issues there, but I’ll work past them soon enough.
Thank you for posting this, and for keeping up this blog, this and other blogs help a lot.
August 29th, 2007 at 12:07 pm
Right on. This is an excellent post. I will have to check that book out. Also, I want to recommend a great book that really really helped me with my big girl “issues” — The Fat Girl’s Guide to Life by Wendy Shanker.
August 29th, 2007 at 2:15 pm
Well… I agree with the sentiments expressed here, however – being a larger woman who enjoys freakiness and hot one night stands, if you are completely aware of what you’re doing when you take your prey into the back of a Cadillac and have your way with him… then I say, more power to ya! Don’t even bother to ask for his number, either. I had a couple of years there where that was my modus operandi. I had a lot of fun and learned to appreciate my ability to seduce the man of my choosing on a night out and love my body and my appearance even more.
Now I live with my boyfriend with whom I have a lot in common intellectually and creatively… who has never had an interest in skinny girls. Do not be fooled, there are lots of men out there like him and I’ve met many. I have to say, even when I’m gawking at women, there is nothing more gorgeous than a well-groomed, full figured woman in a smashing outfit! We shouldn’t be afraid to take what we want :-)
Work it, girls!
XO,
Sarah
August 29th, 2007 at 4:01 pm
I was out walking my dog around the other set of bars on W. 6th Saturday after a night out, and I was thinking about the same thing. I had been asked out by a kind (but random) guy. And I was going to go out with him because I felt obligated. Why? Because he treated my like a gentleman instead of trying to sample the merchandise. I wasn’t into him, but would refusing offend the dating gods who threw me a bone? Then I went home and pulled out my dusty copy of Mama Gena and remembered why she’s so fantastic (and why I’m fantastic too!). I canceled the date and went on a walk around the Capitol with a friend instead.
I’m tired of settling for tolerable men because I don’t feel like I deserve someone I’m really attracted to. UGM and Ali are right–my thin friends mostly have the same doubts, and it is a choice. The thing is that it’s not that simple. Fat acceptance is a hard flag to fly when the whole being desirable/rejected thing comes into play, mostly because it’s so hard to put a philosophy before your instincts.
P.S. If you see someone fabulous wandering the streets with a white standard poodle (who may or may not have a purple mohawk), do come say hi. If that fabulous person is only 5′ tall, it’s not me but my roommate. :-)
August 29th, 2007 at 4:26 pm
I agree with your post whole heartedly. The thing is, using sex to validate ourselves is such a self-defeating activity. I think that in our era, most women find themselves doing this no matter there size. This encourages men to be dogs. If we take a look back at our parents generation, men had to do a lot to “get laid”. If we subtract visiting a brothel, the men had to at the least “go steady” with the girl. Guys then didn’t say.. “I am not ready to be serious, I just want a friends with benefits thing.”. Do you really think that they didn’t say that because they really wanted a serious relationship? They wanted the relationship because that was the path to sex. If they thought that they could suggest a sex only relationship they would have.
This is a big issues, but I think that it is sort of like outsourcing labor to third world countries-it lowers the value of a product. If you can get it for .99 cents at Wal-Mart, why pay $20 for it. And the even sadder thing is that no one values what they only paid .99 cents for. Even if it is the best thing ever, the minute that it breaks or starts lose it’s shine.. you just get another.
The truth is that men don’t have to try very hard anymore. There is no need for seduction, romance or pursuit. It is as simple as giving a few tired compliments and buying a drink. Afterwards just saying, lets be friends with benefits.. which is the nice way of saying “I just want to have sex, and in exchange for that I am willing to be sort of nice to you.” And out of 100 women, thin or fat, I think at least 40 of them would sleep with that man a second time.
I don’t know what the solution is, but I think that the points you make are part of a much bigger problem.
August 29th, 2007 at 4:46 pm
So let’s refocus. Let’s … put down the fork. Push back from the table. Pass on that second helping. Pass up that dessert.
August 29th, 2007 at 5:11 pm
It is indeed part of a larger problem, which is the base psychology of women. We are nurturers and caretakers by nature. Stable relationships mean family, family means children, and children mean fulfilling our biological need to reproduce our species. When you consider the debasing of women in modern materialistic American culture, the use of sex to sell stuff to the masses, and the view of women as shiny objects and/or breeding machines, it is no wonder that few people can really discuss sex as pleasure rather than just a means to an end… relationship – family – contentment.
Sex doesn’t have to be in the context of a relationship to be powerful, interesting, enlightening, and fun. And any woman of any shape or size should feel comfortable enough with her body and in-touch enough with her own needs and desires to seek out sexual companionship that is just that – and yes, you should only go with the guys that turn you on. That’s just common sense. It’s ok to NOT want a relationship to come out of every sexual encounter that you have.
I wish every woman felt the freedom to enjoy their body and explore their sexuality outside of the social norm. It seems so many “big girls” are just trying so hard to fit into the constructs of society than really exploring their desires be it intellectual, creative, spiritual, and/or sexual that may lie outside of the norm.
Free yourself of the western notion of guilt, and free yourself of the ideals of a society that raised you to believe that you can’t have your cake and eat it too. ‘Cause you can :-)
XO,
Sarah
August 29th, 2007 at 9:55 pm
Thank you, thank you, thank you for writing this! And the commenters are correct in saying that men don’t do this just with overweight women – they can be like this insecure women, nerdy women, shy women, etc. I was a shapely nerd in college and I definitely had these same awful experiences.
If I could go back in time and give one piece of advice to my younger self, it would be that not only is it possible for a man to fall in love with you without having slept with you, but also that the type of man who has to sleep with you before he can decide how he feels about you is not the man you want.
August 29th, 2007 at 10:13 pm
Paul A’Barge, why are you here? Losing weight does not automatically increase self-esteem – in fact trying to conform to unrealistic body ideals is most emphatically NOT the way to foster self-love. And many women who eat healthily are still large. If a woman lacks confidence, no matter how stereotypically “gorgeous” she is, she will settle for less than what she deserves. So the real solution is not to try and change the way we look so as to attract losers like you, who will probably never truly appreciate us for who we are, but to enjoy our own lives and bodies without putting pressure on ourselves to find a partner. You can be fabulous on your own (and you can have mutually agreeable casual sexual encounters as long as you’re doing it for fun and not validation), and once you’ve learned to love yourself (whatever size you are), then someone wonderful will come along to complement you, NOT complete you. And he/she will NEVER tell you to “pass on dessert”.
August 29th, 2007 at 10:31 pm
Honey, you’re looking for love in all the wrong places.
Guys you meet at bars rarely see past what you look like. They’re too drunk and too into partying to care about what happens after that night!
You need to look for quality men that are into the same things you’re into. Think about what hobbies you might share with available men and go flirt with those guys that share that same interest. If one bites, you’ll likely end up in a much better relationship because HEY-he likes the same things!
August 30th, 2007 at 12:17 am
I was with you all the way until the end, when you pitched that book.
Man, that was a surprise ending–a marketing ploy.
August 30th, 2007 at 1:20 pm
It is indeed part of a larger problem, which is the base psychology of women….blah blah blah … you can’t have your cake and eat it too. ‘Cause you can :-)
Translation, from FATese to English:
“I’m a slut”
August 30th, 2007 at 1:32 pm
Paul A’Barge, why are you here? Losing weight does not automatically increase self-esteem.
Probably not. But then self-esteem is the touchy-feely, justification-for-whatever-I-want-in-the-moment rationalization du jour.
Instead of wallowing in a pit of your sorrow over your self-esteem, why not just go on a diet?
Losing weight automatically increases your health. It automatically takes a huge strain off your heart and the rest of your cardiovascular system. What’s the point in whining about your self-esteem when you’re actively in the process of dying from over eating?
That lack of attraction due to your being fat? It’s not a societal hang up over cosmetics. It’s a valid judgment of you and your inability to muster a minimum of self control over one of the most basic human activities … shoveling food into your mouth.
You put that weight on. You can lose it.
August 30th, 2007 at 1:34 pm
Paul A’Barge = troll
AgingRoue: Some folks have a more sensitive freak-trigger than others. On one end of the spectrum is Francesca, our generous, considerate and thoughtful blogger. On the other end of the spectrum is me, the kind of gal that would prefer to date a man for whom size/shape is not an issue. Quite honestly, the fact that you’re asking for dating advice on a blog devoted to fashion for women of size is enough to raise my warning hackles. Suffice to say that — were we to date — if you so much as mentioned the fact that I were anything other than the size of an ordinary woman, much less indicate a preference toward any particular size/shape configuration, I’d likely find that sufficient inspiration to direct you to the curb.
August 30th, 2007 at 1:45 pm
To Bridey:
Or we become suspicious: Why is this guy talking to me? Does he think I’ll be an easy [bed partner]? Is he a loser who assumes a fat chick will be willing to put up with his loserness? Why doesn’t he want to compete for the thin girls?
OMG yes. Recently a new coworker from another dept. started flirting with me and while my first instinct was to feel flattered and (sadly) surprised, my second was to be suspicious of his intent. I find it almost impossible to believe that someone funny and attractive would choose me to flirt with.
I’m sure a lot of this is wrapped up in my own issues, but the suspicion is still there and takes half the fun out of the flirting. So thanks for articulating this so clearly, and thank you to the gorgeous Plumcake for spelling out why our own self worth has absolutely nothing to do with the size of our jean size.
August 31st, 2007 at 9:48 am
This post is beautiful.
And it doesn’t only apply to “the big girl” – it’s also the “too-smart girl”, “the too-tall girl”, “the big-nose girl” and “insert-your-insecurity-here girl”. Basically, it applies to any woman who looks at the cover of a fashion magazine and bemoans the fact that she doesn’t look like the cover model, for whatever reason.
And here is where the old adage comes into play… you can’t love anyone else if you don’t love yourself first.
August 31st, 2007 at 10:50 am
DJ: I understand your point; and I honestly was not asking for dating advice; I was trying explore the issue because very frankly I have dated some ladies who, for whatever reason, and even though they date me, somehow think that I am a bit eccentric because I chose to date them. Thats all.
September 1st, 2007 at 11:15 pm
I’ve never been that girl. I’ve always refused to sleep with a guy if he wasn’t into me enough to actually date me, bring me around his friends, etc. I consider myself too good to be used by a jerk. However, there are fat girls that are creating this stereotype by actually doing this. If they didn’t, the term wouldn’t exist.
It’s so difficult to have self esteem in this society. All women, both fat and skinny, are led to believe their bodies just aren’t good enough. Low self esteem often leads to hooking up or dating and staying with the wrong guy. It’s better to be single than used.
November 9th, 2007 at 1:58 am
fatty-fat-fat-fat
June 9th, 2008 at 4:02 pm
I believe self esteeem comes from the inside that is within you. no one can make you feel better about yourself except you. until we build a self esteem based on God’s word which says that we are beautifully and wonderfully made, we would continue to suffer from inferiority complex insecurity and a low self esteem. Our God is a God of variety. So ‘fat girls’, WAKE UP! Dont make yourself so cheap as far as God is concerned you are the best thing He has ever made, you are expensive. Dont let anyone ride you down. i tell myself every day that i’m not fat rather i am BIG, BOLD AND BEAUTIFUL. I think you should say that to yourself every morning lookin at the mirror it really helps. As for the guy thing, for every woman there is a man i dont believe in sleeping around. just keep yourself, draw closer to God and watch Him give you a marvellous Huband who loves you just the way you are. Besides, we definitely have our own parts to play and thats to loose weight. loosing weight actually prevents certain diseases from invading our lives, it keeps you healthier. As for being fat, i have this to say: I AM HAPPY THAT I AM FAT; BIG BOLD AND BEAUTIFUL. YOU SHOULD TOO!
If you dont believe in God, i feel sorry for you because the creation cannot do without its Creator. you cannot talk about the creation without mentioning the creator. YOU NEED TO KNOW WHAT YOUR CREATOR FEELS ABOUT YOUR WEIGHT. I think if you do, all this self esteem crap will stop. Get close to your creator.
October 14th, 2008 at 1:22 am
Wow…at 18 years old…I can completely relate to this.
& I agree with it 100%….you’re always going to be left with the same issues and then some, if you let a guy ditate your self worth…You have to kow your inner and outer beauty beore a man even comes into the equation.
October 14th, 2008 at 8:41 pm
It’s easy. Don’t cast your pearls among swine. You will not find a good man in a bar. Go to church. Get some good Christian counseling instead of trying to fill your soul up with a “man”. God can heal that hole in your soul that you can never fill with “worldly” things. Find a good Christian man who loves God and wants to treat his wife like a godly husband should. God loves you, more than anything, and wants you to be happy. Trust me, I found my true soul mate and I am far from skinny. God has a plan for your life, will you let Him lead the way ?
January 20th, 2009 at 10:02 pm
You think Paul is a troll because he disagrees? That’s silly.
I don’t see anything wrong with suggesting that people tackle the source of their insecurities. This post makes it clear that the women in question sleep with men because they’re insecure about their weight. Otherwise the post would just be about insecure women, not fat women.
So… put down the fork. Push away from the table. Hike a mountain.
You’ll find that your self esteem improves not just from the loss of weight, but from the fact that you are actively taking steps to improve your life. You’re proving to yourself that you have the strength to tackle the obstacles you’ve created for yourself. It’s very empowering.
I know from experience.
But some people don’t care about their health, hate exercise, and love food so much that losing weight just isn’t worth it to them. These women certainly should accept that they are fat and generally unattractive. As “mean” as it might sound, BBW is a subjective term that’s really only recognized by fat people and the fetish culture. Watching a fat woman call herself beautiful and flaunt her chub isn’t much different from watching a woman suck a horse’s dick. It’s disgusting, even though some people think it’s great. It’s in the best interest of these women to find another source of self-worth. The kind of woman who’d be offended by what I just said still has a lot of work to do, either losing weight or giving up their preoccupation with looks. They won’t be healthy, emotionally, until they do one or the other.
January 21st, 2009 at 10:30 am
Donnie, I’m all for encouraging people to tackle the source of their insecurities, and do something about them to restore their horribly lacking self-esteem.
So, in your opinion and in your esteemed experience, what could possibly make a man loathe himself so much that he would take advantage of another person enough to abuse them emotionally, simply to get his rocks off? Because any man who goes around saying he’d love to take advantage of fat chicks (or anyone, really) with so little self esteem that they’d actually deign to sleep with him is desperately insecure, and he hates himself for that insecurity. He’s got something to prove to us all that he can’t prove to himself.
Oh, I know some men don’t care about their mental health, they hate the exercise involved in self-reflection. thought, and self-knowledge, and they hate the discipline required in actually contributing to their world they live in in a responsible, adult way, one that creates trust or confidence or even just a sense of social give and take where people don’t have to feel they’re going to get “taken” at any moment by someone who can’t find their strength of character enough to think for himself. It takes so much work they’ve been convinced to know they can’t do. They really should accept the fact that they’ve bought into a view of themselves as somehow “not manly enough” if they don’t “take conquest” over women, children, heck anyone who has the misfortune of dealing with them on any social level. I mean, watching a guy call himself “a man” and flaunting his supposed sexual prowess by duping any woman around him into sex may allow him and his like-minded buddies to think they are powerful and clever, but it isn’t much different from watching torture. Sure, some people think it’s great, but we all know it’s disgusting to see someone inflict damage on others because they can’t see their own powerlessness, or they know they’re powerless and they hate themselves so much because of it. It’s as disgusting as watching that same guy felate a horse (to borrow your analogy*), only moreso, because the guy is deluded enough to think that what he’s doing makes him look superior and justified.
*(It’s quite a disgusting analogy–you used it for shock value, Donnie, but I’m using it here because altering it slightly just plays up all that homophobic, self-loathing, “I’m not quite manly enough, am I?” fear I’m trying to illustrate here. Effective, no? Yeah, I’m using it for shock value too).
The kind of man who’d be offended by what I just wrote still has a lot of work to do, either by deciding to quit buying into the last commonly held bias unquestioningly, or giving up his desperate preoccupation with other mens’ approval all together. He won’t be a real man until he does one or the other.
Here’s hoping he hikes a mountain until he fixes himself.
February 5th, 2009 at 12:45 am
Oh Wow….so I just stumbled upon this post here now in 2009…But I think it was fate. I have made some DUMB decisions involving guys over the past few years and lately as well. (usually when drunk) I am a big girl also. I needed to read this. It was soo like me, and I am ashamed for it and hate it, but it still happens. I am working on gaining prespective and respect for myself….
Thank you
February 17th, 2009 at 12:53 pm
I didn’t read all of the posts, but, I am big as well. I have noticed in my 50 years of life that if a woman is fit, and primps herself up and is high maintenance, and is in a relationship with a man, that man will make sure that he has good steady income to “keep this woman, no matter how high maintenance she is”, yet if she’s “big”, you’ll see that they aren’t as anxious to keep their standard of living and feel that it’s ok to not always be there financially, assuming the “big girl” will continue to work and take care of finances. I’ve seen this on a few occasions. I’ve also heard guys refer to “big” women who dress a bit racey as disgusting, yet when a slim fit woman does it it’s “sexy”. I find this totally unacceptable and offensive.
May 22nd, 2009 at 1:18 pm
Girls with low self esteem will always sleep with you. It just so happens that most fat girls have low self esteem and low confidence. Guys are attracted to fat girls, but most of them are too self concious themselves to be with one, because of what other people will think and say. That guy you overheard was probably trying to excuse his actions.
Also, when a fat girl sleeps with a fit guy, it validates her. Makes her feel attractive. As a guy who loves large women, I find it disgusting and sad.
June 3rd, 2009 at 5:40 pm
The very fact that you assume it’s your weight that leads guys to not become serious with you tells me that you still have a lot of issues to sort out.
Any girl, fat or skinny, who thinks they are going to get a serious relationship out of a one-night-stand needs to do some soul-searching.
It’s the means by which you choose to search for prince charming that leads to situations like this, not your weight. Just get some confidence and go the right places and you’ll find someone. Jesus. Let’s all get out our violins because a fat girl has poor judgement men.
July 12th, 2009 at 4:23 am
Wow! I stumbled across this post quite by accident and I am so glad that I did. I find it especially interesting that it’s still generating comments some two years after being published! As a plus size woman I can say that I relate not only to the article, but to a lot of the subsequent comments as well.
Like many women, I have at times gratefully accepted whatever scraps of male attention were cast my way. Having said that, I’ve not slept my way to a healthy self-esteem and imagine I’d find it difficult to achieve if I was inclined to do so!
While some men are attracted to and appreciate the beauty of generously proportioned women, it is my experience that they will rarely act on these attractions. This leads me to believe that there is a stigma associated with loving a plus –sized person.
I’m rapidly approaching my mid-twenties and I am making a conscious effort to focus on the kind of woman I am and can be, as opposed to the kind of woman people think I should be. Many of my physical attributes translate to my personality. I am generous in proportion and disposition, strong physically and emotionally and I’m soft to the touch and in temperament.
So much of what makes women feminine is their voluptuousness. Whether it is an ample derrière, bosom or full, luscious lips, bigger has for the most part, always been better. I can’t help but think that it’s sad that fat people are shunned because of their weight when quality human beings of all sizes and genders are in such short supply!
August 7th, 2009 at 9:59 pm
HEY I AM A BIG GIRL I LOVE MY SELF VERY MUCH I AM 5F6 AND 350 AND MY BOYFRIEND IS 6F AND 184 AND HE LOVES ME FOR ME THIS TO ROB YOU CAN KISS MY BIG FAT ASS IT IS MEN LIKE YOU THAT BIG GIRL FEEL THE WAY THAT THEY DO THERE ARE A LOT OF MEN THAT LOVE BIG GIRLS IF YOU DONT THATS OK BUT DONT BE A BIG ASS TO MEN THAT LOVE TO BE WITH A BIG GIRL IS THAT ANY OF YOUR BUSINESS THAT THEY DO AND TO YHE BIG WOMEN OUT THERE GO FOR THE MAN THAT YOU WANT DONT LET PEOPLE PUT YOU DOWN FOR BEING BIG I WENT FOR THE MAN YHAY I WANTED AND I GOT HIM ILOVE HIM SO VERY MUCH HE MAKES ME SO HAPPY I LOVE HIM SO MUCH HE COMPLETES MY LIFE IF YOU DONT LOVE YOUR SELF NO ONE WILL GO FOR THEMAN THAT YOU WANT LOVE TO ALL THE BIG BEAUTIFUL WOMEN OUT THERE BIG HUGS
September 22nd, 2009 at 2:42 am
SWEET BIG GIRL is an idiot. She thinks Rob was saying that he didn’t find fat girls attractive, when he clearly said that he did.
I think Rob basically shares the same viewpoint of myself, which I already stated above. He and I both find fat girls attractive, but at the same time, find it pretty sad that 1) More guys can’t admit that they find fat girls sexy out of fear of ridicule, and 2) Some fat girls are so self-conscious that they too get into relationships for the wrong reasons.
Love who you want to love, and throw others’ opinions out the window. I love women of all sizes! And proud of it! :)