I wish I could say I hadn’t heard it before.
I wish I could say it was completely untrue.
I get it. I do. I know that positive male attention can be hard to come by when you’re a big girl, and I know that we can have some pretty serious self-esteem issues. It’s easy to get beaten down when everywhere you look you’re being told you are unworthy. Unworthy of wearing these clothes, of dating that man, of getting what you want out of life. See, only people who work hard deserve good things, and if you really worked hard, you wouldn’t still be fat, would you?
So you go out looking cute –or as cute as you’re going to get– and you meet a guy. Maybe he tells you he likes a girl “with a little meat on her bones” and maybe he trash talks skinny chicks –an ex-girlfriend who was “like a skeleton”– just enough to make you feel a little better about the way your butt spreads across the barstool. And even though you suspect he’s a player and not really your type, you sigh and remind yourself how long it’s been since a man has shown interest in you and made you feel really desirable.
So what happens next?
If you’re me at 22, you end up in the back of a classic Coupe DeVille (black with kid grey interior) doing the sort of disreputable but impressively acrobatic activities that cause you to think “hmm, if I ever want to run for office I’ll probably need to get this guy killed” and when you get home you feel great because even though he’s not Prince Charming, he’s a guy! and he likes you! Not just for your brains or your personality, but for your body, too, and it’s so damn NICE.
Until it isn’t.
Because he doesn’t call, and when you call him he tells you that he’s “not really ready for a relationship” and then slyly suggests some sort of friends-with-benefits situation. “Let’s just see where it goes” he says, and now you’re back at zero.
Or maybe a little worse than zero, because you’ve been delivered that “unworthy” message, loud and clear again and so a little more self-esteem gets chipped away again and it starts all over again.
Listen. I’m not going to tell you what to do with your lady parts. I figure you grew ’em, you can manage ’em, but if there’s one bit of wisdom that I can impart it’s this: you cannot screw your way to self-worth. We’re always going to be told we’re not good enough. Either because we’re fat or because we’re women or because we just live in a culture where –at least at the time of writing– being a marketing executive is not punishable by death.
So let’s refocus. Let’s learn to love our own bodies, to seduce our own senses, the book at the bottom of the page can show you some tricks, others you’ll learn in your own time. There are a million cures for low self-esteem but –I promise– none of them are delivered by injection.
Mama Gena’s guide to the Womanly Arts.
Wow…at 18 years old…I can completely relate to this.
& I agree with it 100%….you’re always going to be left with the same issues and then some, if you let a guy ditate your self worth…You have to kow your inner and outer beauty beore a man even comes into the equation.
Comment by CillaFAB — October 14, 2008 @ 1:22 am
It’s easy. Don’t cast your pearls among swine. You will not find a good man in a bar. Go to church. Get some good Christian counseling instead of trying to fill your soul up with a “man”. God can heal that hole in your soul that you can never fill with “worldly” things. Find a good Christian man who loves God and wants to treat his wife like a godly husband should. God loves you, more than anything, and wants you to be happy. Trust me, I found my true soul mate and I am far from skinny. God has a plan for your life, will you let Him lead the way ?
Comment by mel — October 14, 2008 @ 8:41 pm
You think Paul is a troll because he disagrees? That’s silly.
I don’t see anything wrong with suggesting that people tackle the source of their insecurities. This post makes it clear that the women in question sleep with men because they’re insecure about their weight. Otherwise the post would just be about insecure women, not fat women.
So… put down the fork. Push away from the table. Hike a mountain.
You’ll find that your self esteem improves not just from the loss of weight, but from the fact that you are actively taking steps to improve your life. You’re proving to yourself that you have the strength to tackle the obstacles you’ve created for yourself. It’s very empowering.
I know from experience.
But some people don’t care about their health, hate exercise, and love food so much that losing weight just isn’t worth it to them. These women certainly should accept that they are fat and generally unattractive. As “mean” as it might sound, BBW is a subjective term that’s really only recognized by fat people and the fetish culture. Watching a fat woman call herself beautiful and flaunt her chub isn’t much different from watching a woman suck a horse’s dick. It’s disgusting, even though some people think it’s great. It’s in the best interest of these women to find another source of self-worth. The kind of woman who’d be offended by what I just said still has a lot of work to do, either losing weight or giving up their preoccupation with looks. They won’t be healthy, emotionally, until they do one or the other.
Comment by Donnie Jukepski — January 20, 2009 @ 10:02 pm
Donnie, I’m all for encouraging people to tackle the source of their insecurities, and do something about them to restore their horribly lacking self-esteem.
So, in your opinion and in your esteemed experience, what could possibly make a man loathe himself so much that he would take advantage of another person enough to abuse them emotionally, simply to get his rocks off? Because any man who goes around saying he’d love to take advantage of fat chicks (or anyone, really) with so little self esteem that they’d actually deign to sleep with him is desperately insecure, and he hates himself for that insecurity. He’s got something to prove to us all that he can’t prove to himself.
Oh, I know some men don’t care about their mental health, they hate the exercise involved in self-reflection. thought, and self-knowledge, and they hate the discipline required in actually contributing to their world they live in in a responsible, adult way, one that creates trust or confidence or even just a sense of social give and take where people don’t have to feel they’re going to get “taken” at any moment by someone who can’t find their strength of character enough to think for himself. It takes so much work they’ve been convinced to know they can’t do. They really should accept the fact that they’ve bought into a view of themselves as somehow “not manly enough” if they don’t “take conquest” over women, children, heck anyone who has the misfortune of dealing with them on any social level. I mean, watching a guy call himself “a man” and flaunting his supposed sexual prowess by duping any woman around him into sex may allow him and his like-minded buddies to think they are powerful and clever, but it isn’t much different from watching torture. Sure, some people think it’s great, but we all know it’s disgusting to see someone inflict damage on others because they can’t see their own powerlessness, or they know they’re powerless and they hate themselves so much because of it. It’s as disgusting as watching that same guy felate a horse (to borrow your analogy*), only moreso, because the guy is deluded enough to think that what he’s doing makes him look superior and justified.
*(It’s quite a disgusting analogy–you used it for shock value, Donnie, but I’m using it here because altering it slightly just plays up all that homophobic, self-loathing, “I’m not quite manly enough, am I?” fear I’m trying to illustrate here. Effective, no? Yeah, I’m using it for shock value too).
The kind of man who’d be offended by what I just wrote still has a lot of work to do, either by deciding to quit buying into the last commonly held bias unquestioningly, or giving up his desperate preoccupation with other mens’ approval all together. He won’t be a real man until he does one or the other.
Here’s hoping he hikes a mountain until he fixes himself.
Comment by ChaChaHeels — January 21, 2009 @ 10:30 am
Oh Wow….so I just stumbled upon this post here now in 2009…But I think it was fate. I have made some DUMB decisions involving guys over the past few years and lately as well. (usually when drunk) I am a big girl also. I needed to read this. It was soo like me, and I am ashamed for it and hate it, but it still happens. I am working on gaining prespective and respect for myself….
Thank you
Comment by KatiKat — February 5, 2009 @ 12:45 am
I didn’t read all of the posts, but, I am big as well. I have noticed in my 50 years of life that if a woman is fit, and primps herself up and is high maintenance, and is in a relationship with a man, that man will make sure that he has good steady income to “keep this woman, no matter how high maintenance she is”, yet if she’s “big”, you’ll see that they aren’t as anxious to keep their standard of living and feel that it’s ok to not always be there financially, assuming the “big girl” will continue to work and take care of finances. I’ve seen this on a few occasions. I’ve also heard guys refer to “big” women who dress a bit racey as disgusting, yet when a slim fit woman does it it’s “sexy”. I find this totally unacceptable and offensive.
Comment by Vicky — February 17, 2009 @ 12:53 pm
Girls with low self esteem will always sleep with you. It just so happens that most fat girls have low self esteem and low confidence. Guys are attracted to fat girls, but most of them are too self concious themselves to be with one, because of what other people will think and say. That guy you overheard was probably trying to excuse his actions.
Also, when a fat girl sleeps with a fit guy, it validates her. Makes her feel attractive. As a guy who loves large women, I find it disgusting and sad.
Comment by Rob — May 22, 2009 @ 1:18 pm
The very fact that you assume it’s your weight that leads guys to not become serious with you tells me that you still have a lot of issues to sort out.
Any girl, fat or skinny, who thinks they are going to get a serious relationship out of a one-night-stand needs to do some soul-searching.
It’s the means by which you choose to search for prince charming that leads to situations like this, not your weight. Just get some confidence and go the right places and you’ll find someone. Jesus. Let’s all get out our violins because a fat girl has poor judgement men.
Comment by Kain — June 3, 2009 @ 5:40 pm
Wow! I stumbled across this post quite by accident and I am so glad that I did. I find it especially interesting that it’s still generating comments some two years after being published! As a plus size woman I can say that I relate not only to the article, but to a lot of the subsequent comments as well.
Like many women, I have at times gratefully accepted whatever scraps of male attention were cast my way. Having said that, I’ve not slept my way to a healthy self-esteem and imagine I’d find it difficult to achieve if I was inclined to do so!
While some men are attracted to and appreciate the beauty of generously proportioned women, it is my experience that they will rarely act on these attractions. This leads me to believe that there is a stigma associated with loving a plus –sized person.
I’m rapidly approaching my mid-twenties and I am making a conscious effort to focus on the kind of woman I am and can be, as opposed to the kind of woman people think I should be. Many of my physical attributes translate to my personality. I am generous in proportion and disposition, strong physically and emotionally and I’m soft to the touch and in temperament.
So much of what makes women feminine is their voluptuousness. Whether it is an ample derrière, bosom or full, luscious lips, bigger has for the most part, always been better. I can’t help but think that it’s sad that fat people are shunned because of their weight when quality human beings of all sizes and genders are in such short supply!
Comment by HAL — July 12, 2009 @ 4:23 am
HEY I AM A BIG GIRL I LOVE MY SELF VERY MUCH I AM 5F6 AND 350 AND MY BOYFRIEND IS 6F AND 184 AND HE LOVES ME FOR ME THIS TO ROB YOU CAN KISS MY BIG FAT ASS IT IS MEN LIKE YOU THAT BIG GIRL FEEL THE WAY THAT THEY DO THERE ARE A LOT OF MEN THAT LOVE BIG GIRLS IF YOU DONT THATS OK BUT DONT BE A BIG ASS TO MEN THAT LOVE TO BE WITH A BIG GIRL IS THAT ANY OF YOUR BUSINESS THAT THEY DO AND TO YHE BIG WOMEN OUT THERE GO FOR THE MAN THAT YOU WANT DONT LET PEOPLE PUT YOU DOWN FOR BEING BIG I WENT FOR THE MAN YHAY I WANTED AND I GOT HIM ILOVE HIM SO VERY MUCH HE MAKES ME SO HAPPY I LOVE HIM SO MUCH HE COMPLETES MY LIFE IF YOU DONT LOVE YOUR SELF NO ONE WILL GO FOR THEMAN THAT YOU WANT LOVE TO ALL THE BIG BEAUTIFUL WOMEN OUT THERE BIG HUGS
Comment by SWEET BIG GIRL — August 7, 2009 @ 9:59 pm
SWEET BIG GIRL is an idiot. She thinks Rob was saying that he didn’t find fat girls attractive, when he clearly said that he did.
I think Rob basically shares the same viewpoint of myself, which I already stated above. He and I both find fat girls attractive, but at the same time, find it pretty sad that 1) More guys can’t admit that they find fat girls sexy out of fear of ridicule, and 2) Some fat girls are so self-conscious that they too get into relationships for the wrong reasons.
Love who you want to love, and throw others’ opinions out the window. I love women of all sizes! And proud of it! :)
Comment by Kain — September 22, 2009 @ 2:42 am