Do you even KNOW how much I love you? I love you like Joanie loves Chachi, like Captain loves Tennille, like that silly dude who’s always hanging around Ashlee Simpson loves eyeliner. My love for you is DEEP and PURE because you are a comparatively big girl for your chosen profession and yet you dress for your shape and your amazing coloring and consistently knock it out of the park on the red carpet.
I watched the simulcast breathlessly and then as you approached… you were a vision in lavender, flawless hair and makeup, gorgeous earrings and a well-wrangled rack. Vintage Sara!
and then…then came what the Fug Girls call “the scroll down”
WHY? WHY did you need to put that hole right there? What possible reason could you have for having that…that…DRESS SPHINCTER right in the middle of your beautiful gown?!
I…I just can’t…I don’t…
(It seems Plumcake has passed out. Please do not worry, just forward the names and numbers of bachelor doctors who might be available and are into curvy girls who faint a lot. Blue eyes a plus. I believe she prefers Episcopalians –ed.)