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Good Cop, Cheap Cop | Manolo for the Big Girl

Good Cop, Cheap Cop

I get it. I’m the bad cop. Francesca is the nice, clean-cut Officer of The Peace, while I am the one who uses vermouth as aftershave and will violate your Miranda rights the second the Chief turns his back. I’m comfortable with that now, so in that bad-cop vein I am going to ask –nay, beg– a favor.

Please do not be a skank for Halloween.

I know, I know, if we have learned anything from the movie Mean Girls it’s that “Halloween is the one night a year when girls can dress like a total slut and no other girls can say anything about it.” but please, before you pour yourself into a costume whose theme is “naughty” followed by any typically female profession and/or Harry Potter character (and school girl, do I even need to say anything the school girl? What’s creepier: wanting to look like a ho-some version of a 15-year old or wanting people to want to bang that ho-some version of a 15-year old?) think about what you’re doing and why.

Let’s face it, it’s hard to dispel the “all big girls are desperate” myth when confronted with seventy three plus-size stewardesses inviting you to “fly the friendly thighs” in the span of a night

How does your self esteem figure into all this? How much of this is about wanting to feel sexy? If it’s about feeling sexy and you want to take The Gals out for the evening, why not do it on a random Tuesday night? If you want to look like a tramp, don’t wait for the one day of the year it’s “OK” to reveal what the Good Lord and four pieces of duct tape hath wrought (you do know how to make a duct tape push-up bra, right?) OWN your trampitude, and good on you for doing it.

Just please, don’t save it for Halloween and those cheap, tacky costumes. Truly, single-ply PVC is not a good look for anyone and sad to say, no matter how incredible the rack or bangin’ the butt, if you are a plus-size girl odds are you are just going to end up looking like a hot, sweaty sadomasochistic haggis and no one wants to see that.

Except maybe this guy:

Costume ideas for the fabulous plussie are forthcoming. As for me, I won’t just settle for Superfantastic, I’m going for all out Divine!

29 Responses to “Good Cop, Cheap Cop”

  1. Jane October 16, 2007 at 11:48 am #

    Great rant! Now how about some ideas for awesome plus-size-girl costumes that could reflect self-esteem and even fabulousness?

    I, of course, will be going as a witch, but I do that every year.

  2. JustJenny October 16, 2007 at 11:58 am #

    Yes! Costume ideas! In college I was a gypsy every year…

  3. Colleen October 16, 2007 at 12:27 pm #

    Thank you. I’ve been wanting to write something like this for my blog since October 1st but couldn’t find the right words.

  4. Jenna October 16, 2007 at 1:12 pm #

    I love you.

    May I suggest Cruella De Vil? My fave costume ever!

    I actually did win 2 costume contests at parties with this one, and I can say for sure that the primary reason that I won was because I was the only female at the party whose costume didn’t involve garters or a PVC tube top. So I basically swept the female vote.

    This year I am going to a party with the Mr. so…Bonnie and Clyde it is. My consolation is that I get to carry the tommy gun. And the whole wardrobe was already in our closet, so one Goodwill fedora later, we’re in business.

  5. Best! Post! Ever! October 16, 2007 at 1:43 pm #

    *standing ovation*

  6. Francesca October 16, 2007 at 2:42 pm #

    Francesca, too, does not wish anyone to dress like a tramp, any day of the year.

    Any of the standard costume ideas are equally creative and fun without the “ho-” part.

    Just keep the skirt no more than an inch or two above the knee, and resist the temptation to show (too much) cleavage. If one wishes to buy a ready-made costume, it is not hard to add some inexpensive material to lengthen the skirt and insert raise the neckline.

    One can be a witch, or a nurse, or a Renaissance princess, or whatever. Just modify the cheapy costume to something less trampy.

    The best costume Francesca ever wore: a Fedora, sunglasses, and trench coat (over a completely black outfit). When people asked me what I was (or WHO i was – they couldn’t recognize me), I opened the coat, to which I’d affixed a letter “O” made out of construction paper, and whispered, Sesame Street style, “would you like to buy an O?” It was a hit.

    xoxo,
    Francesca

  7. T October 16, 2007 at 3:51 pm #

    I actually have no idea how to construct a push-up bra out of duct tape. Could someone enlighten me?

  8. sara October 16, 2007 at 4:41 pm #

    Fantastic post!

    I’m going as a goth girl this year – I have combat boots that I bought at Payless YEARS ago, some black fishnets, a black cargo skirt, a rock tshirt that I cut a slit in over one shoulder and then sort of resealed with big safety pins, and some opaque black trouser socks that I’m planning on cutting finger holes into and wearing as fingerless gloves.

    The only thing I bought was the rock t-shirt and I got it at Torrid a while ago on clearance. Yee-haw.

  9. Kelly October 16, 2007 at 4:42 pm #

    Thank you!! I hate seeing girls wearing cheap, ill-fitting costumes that only make them look worse.
    But then, I sew, so I tend to go all out for Halloween. The last few years have featured a saloon girl (period-authentic), scarlet o’hara, and lucretia borgia. This year I’ll be doing Miss Argentina.

    Homemade costumes are always a lot more fun than storebought, anyways… and you’re never going to run into someone else wearing the same thing!

  10. Scarlett October 16, 2007 at 4:45 pm #

    So…can I be a NON-naughty female profession and/or Harry Potter character? Because I am on the hook for some HP costume good times, and I wanted to do Hermione, but…you know, with the shirt buttoned all the way to the neck, and the skirt to the knee, and flats. Can I do that? Can I do jeans, a Weird Sisters rock tshirt and some pink hair and go as Tonks? Where is the “don’t look like a tramp” line? Is it in concept, or in execution?

  11. Plumcake October 16, 2007 at 5:29 pm #

    Scarlett I think you’re safe from my wrath –and Groundskeeper Willie’s affection– as long as you’re Hermione and not like, “Naughty Hermione” a la Lindsay Lohan on SNL.

  12. Oishi October 16, 2007 at 5:36 pm #

    Just stumbled on Manolobig and am in love with you two!
    Actually can’t decide which I love more: Plum’s fabulous (dare I use the f-word on this blog) Halloween exegesis or Francesca’s boot-buying manual (I’m happily savoring my ready-made options). You two are my new non-guilty pleasure!

  13. Sniper October 16, 2007 at 5:55 pm #

    I have a fondness for couple costumes – mad scientist and assistant, vampire and victim, zombie lovers – the partners can switch roles each year. I also like the idea of going as a TV judge and bailiff – easy!

  14. JayKay October 16, 2007 at 6:26 pm #

    My two favorite Halloween skank costumes include “Poke me in my Hontas” and “Heidi the Ho”, both worn by my darling sister in previous years. She is thin and can totally pull them off, but I SO agree that dressing slutty on Halloween is just silly and totally overdone!

    Your post made me laugh out loud. Thanks! =D

    P.S. I LOVE Mean Girls! Gretchen Weiners! YAY!

  15. Monica the tiara chick October 16, 2007 at 8:28 pm #

    Kelly! I must know, from where does that Miss Argentina come? Enlighten uninformed me, please? Thanks!

  16. pinkdomme October 16, 2007 at 9:34 pm #

    I’ve always preferred DIY costumes–either homemade or put-together originals. They’re a lot more fun and flattering and way less generic. Some of my favorites have been:
    Lion Tamer (top hat, fitted blazer, leggings, corset)
    St. Pauli’s Girl (white blouse, corset, colorful skirt, clogs, braids)
    Peg Bundy of Married with Children (ugly bright sweater, leggings, big red hair, nails)
    Sin, Guardian of the Gates of Hell–Paradise Lost (red vinyl pants, red heels, red sweater, red wig)

    so I’m big on sexy clothing, true, but none of this generic naughty school girl crap.

    This year my girlfriend and I are going as clones.

  17. Margo October 17, 2007 at 12:48 am #

    I’m going as Anne Boleyn, second wife of Henry VIII, and the first one he had beheaded. Elaborate Renaissance gown, and on my neck, a dotted line and the words “Cutte Here”.

  18. Twistie October 17, 2007 at 1:58 am #

    Margo, I may be in love with you…or at least your sense of humor.

    Two of my fave costumes I’ve done for Halloween:

    Men’s vest, dress shirt, dress pants, rubber pig snout, play money in every pocket. I was a Capitalist Pig.

    and

    Peasant blouse; long full skirt; no shoes; very long scarf tied into a noose; pale makeup. I was the ghost of Isadora Duncan.

    I love coming up with visual puns and macabre jokes. Sexy schoolgirls and Naughty Nurses are for the unimaginative.

  19. raincoaster October 17, 2007 at 2:19 am #

    I once wore a grey turtleneck with the Empire State Building on it, a stuffed monkey around my neck, and deelybobbers with airplanes on them. Nobody got it, but they all asked. Of course, I was the Empire State Building…in King Kong!

    Do NOT blow up a bunch of balloons and go to a party as grapes. You won’t be able to sit down all night without popping something.

    This year I thought I’d go with “Box in a Box.”

  20. shiloh October 17, 2007 at 7:09 am #

    Like T, I’m dying to know how to fashion a push-up bra with duct tape – please Plumcake, make that your next post. Inquiring minds want to know.

  21. Sara October 17, 2007 at 12:51 pm #

    Miss Argentina is from Beetlejuice–she’s the receptionist when you go to get help from your afterlife case worker.

    Sexy is good, if you do it right and acknowledge your limits. Great boobs, not great legs? Wear some glorious, outrageous period costume with a corset that begs for a lush body to fill it out. The slut in a bag costumes are never good. My friend is just wearing lingerie this year, and when girls ask what she is, she’s going to say, “Same thing as you!”

    A couple years back, I was a goddess, because you have to have curves to rock a toga right… and it’s really comfortable. Last year I was Cruella de Ville in a way cute LBD from Kiyonna that turned out to be a bit too sexy for standard LBD situations. Big white wig that I restyled, red satin gloves, huuuge white feather boa, and a foot-long cigarette holder. Very sexy, but not slutty at all.

    This year, I’m a vampy vampire. Black pencil skirt, fishnets, this bustier from LB, a floor-length satin cape, and the best part–dental fit fangs that lock onto my teeth! zOMG so so excited for Halloween this year!

  22. Kelly October 17, 2007 at 3:02 pm #

    Miss Argentina is from Beetlejuice–she’s the receptionist when you go to get help from your afterlife case worker.
    BINGO!
    I’ve been rehearsing the line I’ll use for the costume contests… “and if I knew then what I know now… I wouldn’t have had my little accident!”
    Plus, since the dress is only shown from mid-chest up I can make it look however I want. Nice flattering princess seams here I come!

  23. class-factotum October 18, 2007 at 10:16 am #

    Does it count as going as a skank if you wear a blue dress with a Q-tip pinned to the shoulder? I dressed as a White House intern years ago when being a WH intern had the potential for private visits with the Prez.

  24. Ms. Berry October 18, 2007 at 8:55 pm #

    My costume this year is a chemise (over other clothing for modesty) and a cigar.

    Yep, I’m a Freudian Slip.

  25. fillyjonk-knitter October 20, 2007 at 10:53 am #

    I doubt I’m dressing up this year (I’m a college prof, it’s a Wednesday, and I just can’t see teaching my classes in full regalia. I think I also do a field trip that day, so I need to be in field clothes.).

    Years ago, I went as Opus the Penguin by wearing an old (thrift-store) tux and building a beak-and-eyes onto a baseball cap. That was also fun.

    Most fun costume of years past: Goth Girl at the Prom. I found a deep-blue (mightnight blue) velvet dress, wore it over fishnets and clunky black shoes. Made a spiderweb cape out of Halloween lace-tablecloth material. Teased my hair into emo-mode and sprayed it so it would stay. Wore more heavy dark makeup than I ever wear. Put every ring I owned on my fingers. It was fun and comfortable and tho’ it wasn’t really “sexy,” I wasn’t going for “sexy.”

    (And I DO think there’s a difference between “sexy” and “trampy.” “Sexy” is fun and, for the right kind of party, appropriate. “Trampy” is just sad.)

  26. Moxy October 23, 2007 at 12:17 am #

    Here’s a cute Freudian slip:

    http://www.whiteliesdesigns.com/patterns/llingerie/510.html

    Just enough time to knit it yourself!

  27. oz books September 9, 2010 at 2:24 am #

    ah this what i need may be