Seriously Trista? Seriously? Because …seriously?
Listen, I don’t know who you are, the best I can garner is that you were on some reality show, which means a) you’ve probably got a great rack and teeth like chiclets and b) your daddy didn’t take enough take time from his busy schedule of golf-playing and maid-banging to tell you he loved you, and thus you need the love –and by love I mean “fleeting awareness”– of millions of Americans to make up for that time you caught him playing “airplane” with Consuelo in the guest house during your 6th grade pool party.
I also know you had a baby 3 months ago, weigh 116 pounds and hate your belly.
“It has a layer of fat, which of course, your body has to put on, but it’s blubbery and I hate it. I want to be able to go bathing suit shopping for a vacation and not feel totally disgusted.”
as I said before (you may recall)…SERIOUSLY?
I don’t know much about babies. They’re small and sticky and don’t know how to tell you when they need to go outside to pee, so I’m not going to give you any sage wyse womyn advice about child rearing, but, and I’m asking this on behalf of America… could you like, TRY to keep your self-loathing to yourself?
I mean, whatever happened to good old-fashioned WASP repression? It’s what’s made this country great. My family hasn’t shown a single human emotion since 1783 and look how I turned out. You drink, you cry in your walk-in shoe closet and you screw up your children until they develop interesting ideas about putting lotion on skin, but you do NOT talk to trashy magazines about the unbearable lightness of belly fat until the entire female population of these fine United States wants to hold you underwater until the big bubble pops.
Oh, and this, about her beloved husband:
If I eat something that I shouldn’t, Ryan shakes his finger at me and says, ‘Uh, uh, uh!’ He’s been awesome, 100 percent supportive.
Really? Supportive? Let me lay a little church on you. That is not how a good husband talks. That is how someone who desperately needs to shower with a hair dryer talks.
Maybe it should be a shower for two.