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People Who Want Punching: Chapter the First | Manolo for the Big Girl

People Who Want Punching: Chapter the First

Seriously Trista? Seriously? Because …seriously?

Listen, I don’t know who you are, the best I can garner is that you were on some reality show, which means a) you’ve probably got a great rack and teeth like chiclets and b) your daddy didn’t take enough take time from his busy schedule of golf-playing and maid-banging to tell you he loved you, and thus you need the love –and by love I mean “fleeting awareness”– of millions of Americans to make up for that time you caught him playing “airplane” with Consuelo in the guest house during your 6th grade pool party.Trista Needs a Punching!

I also know you had a baby 3 months ago, weigh 116 pounds and hate your belly.

“It has a layer of fat, which of course, your body has to put on, but it’s blubbery and I hate it. I want to be able to go bathing suit shopping for a vacation and not feel totally disgusted.”

as I said before (you may recall)…SERIOUSLY?

I don’t know much about babies. They’re small and sticky and don’t know how to tell you when they need to go outside to pee, so I’m not going to give you any sage wyse womyn advice about child rearing, but, and I’m asking this on behalf of America… could you like, TRY to keep your self-loathing to yourself?

I mean, whatever happened to good old-fashioned WASP repression? It’s what’s made this country great. My family hasn’t shown a single human emotion since 1783 and look how I turned out. You drink, you cry in your walk-in shoe closet and you screw up your children until they develop interesting ideas about putting lotion on skin, but you do NOT talk to trashy magazines about the unbearable lightness of belly fat until the entire female population of these fine United States wants to hold you underwater until the big bubble pops.

Oh, and this, about  her beloved husband:

If I eat something that I shouldn’t, Ryan shakes his finger at me and says, ‘Uh, uh, uh!’ He’s been awesome, 100 percent supportive.

Really? Supportive? Let me lay a little church on you. That is not how a good husband talks. That is how someone who desperately needs to shower with a hair dryer talks.

Maybe it should be a shower for two.

45 Responses to “People Who Want Punching: Chapter the First”

  1. Janna October 26, 2007 at 2:23 pm #

    well said, Plumcake, well said! Why are some people so afraid of a little weight? Honestly, it’s insulting to those of us who are happy the way we are, festively plump or not.

  2. Twistie October 26, 2007 at 2:38 pm #

    (Applauds wildly)

    I think I have an old hair dryer I could contribute to the fund.

    I decided a couple years ago that I needed to lose weight. I felt unhealthy and depressed and knew my frame wasn’t designed to carry the amount of weight it was carrying at that time. That’s when I decided to eat in healthier ways, listen more to my body, and generally take better care of myself. I’ve lost a lot of weight, yes, but my goal wasn’t a dress size; it was my health and happiness.

    Mr. Twistie was very supportive. He worried at first that I was acting one some strange, outside perception and tried to tell me I didn’t need to do anything at all. This was sweet and very supportive, because he was telling me I was beautiful to him no matter what. Once I convinced him my goal was to make me happy and healthy and not a particular weight, he encouraged me to be healthy. He kept reminding me that he thought I was pretty no matter what, and praising me when I did things that made me happier and less depressed.

    Note that his support never – NOT ONCE – included chastising me like a small child with her hand in the cookie jar ten minutes before dinner. Neither one of us punished me for eating whatever I liked. I just started trying to pay better attention to what my body needed.

    Result: at the end of two years, I’m nearly down to what I weighed when we got married…which is far from my lowest weight, but a spot where I feel very comfortable with me. Will I lose more? I don’t know. I’m not actively trying anymore, but my body is still sorting out where it finally wants to be. A few pounds more, a few pounds less…that’s not important. What’s important is that I feel healthy again.

    And if Mr. Twistie attempts to get between me and the cookie jar when I really do want a treat, he’d better be prepared to lose a hand.

    Trista and Mr. Trista: you have a new BABY to think about. Five pounds of mommy padding should be about the last thing on either of your minds. Grow. The. Hell. Up.

  3. AmelieWannabe October 26, 2007 at 2:49 pm #

    Yeah, what she said! I loves me some Plumcake and Twistie and always find them to be wise women worth listening to.

  4. Jen October 26, 2007 at 3:18 pm #

    Trista needs a redneck stomp! 116 lbs and she has the nerve to bitch, oh hell no! I have lost approx. 50 lbs since the first of the year and I feel better, clothes fit better and I am trying to lose more. If I ever make it to 116 and still feel fat, then I will be needing that hairdryer!

  5. Patia October 26, 2007 at 3:22 pm #

    I think she should have to give the baby back.

  6. Netter October 26, 2007 at 3:56 pm #

    I hope to God she didn’t have a girl, but since said baby is wearing a blue onesie, I guess not. Size fours should wear collars that zap them when they try to say they are fat. Apparently, she doesn’t realize that she’s insulting the vast majority of American women who are not size four and weigh more than 116 pounds. I haven’t seen that number since I went through puberty. I’m not even going to touch on her “awesome” husband. Anyone who goes through courtship on national TV has no concept of what a good relationship is.

  7. Abigail October 26, 2007 at 4:43 pm #

    “Let me lay a little church on you” is my new favorite expression. Yeah, I’m stealing it, try to stop me.

    Also, shut up Trista Whatever, shut up Mr. Trista, shut up Us Magazine. The whole thing is made more revolting by the fact that she’s sharing that cover with someone who lost a child. Maybe you ought to tell Hunter about your problems, Trista, that’d probably earn you the ass kicking you deserve.

  8. deja pseu October 26, 2007 at 5:07 pm #

    OMFG, that is some serious messedupedness. Been there, done that, never going back. Ditto what Twistie says regarding what constitues “support.” Being a scold is not support.

  9. CanadianChick October 26, 2007 at 5:34 pm #

    I don’t know who Trista is, and I don’t care…but I LOVE Plumcake!

    (and Twistie and Francesca too, of course!)

  10. Mark October 26, 2007 at 5:41 pm #

    Ahh the venom being thrown around. Exactly how different is Trista from the size 22W asking someone to pass the muffin?

  11. Nicole October 26, 2007 at 5:45 pm #

    I love you, Plumcake. That is all.

  12. Colleen October 26, 2007 at 6:01 pm #

    I am both appalled AND amused. Which is why I love the Plumcake.

  13. Sniper October 26, 2007 at 6:39 pm #

    I don’t know much about babies. They’re small and sticky and don’t know how to tell you when they need to go outside to pee, so I’m not going to give you any sage wyse womyn advice about child rearing

    For this alone, I love you.

  14. JayKay October 26, 2007 at 6:49 pm #

    I second Sniper’s comment. That line had me roaring! I feel the same way!

    I (heart) Plumcake! =)

  15. sanjerine October 26, 2007 at 10:10 pm #

    Really? Supportive? Let me lay a little church on you. That is not how a good husband talks. That is how someone who desperately needs to shower with a hair dryer talks.

    Plumcake, I think I love you. Kind of forever.

  16. raincoaster October 26, 2007 at 10:23 pm #

    Mark, there are worse things than being Size 22. You are those things.

  17. Bad Penny October 26, 2007 at 11:27 pm #

    I once read a profile of Annette Benning and she was talking about losing weight after having a baby and one of her quotes was something to the effect of “you know how when you’re pregnant you just hate yourself for being so fat and gross?” and I was all, like, um, no. I never hated myself when I was pregnant, and now that I’m middle aged and size 18 I don’t hate myself either.

    Must really suck to hate yourself like that. I kind feel sorry for such pathetic basket cases.

  18. Bad Penny October 26, 2007 at 11:28 pm #

    And oh yeah, I really wish it had occurred to me to send my babies outside to pee. Would have saved me a lot of work.

  19. Mark October 26, 2007 at 11:57 pm #

    Yeah I’m an evil bastard, but somebody’s got to do it.

    You do see the hypocrisy involved in this thread though don’t you?

  20. teapunk October 27, 2007 at 7:35 am #

    Mark, evil bastard, nearly every woman in the whole world is obsessed with BMI, bodyfat and weight. Most of us try to lose weight, because only thin is beautiful and fat is just not “it”, whatever “it” may be. Feeling guilty because what our bathroom scales say is ingrained in every womens genes.
    Being pregnant is about the only excuse you have for gaining weight in this society, the only thing that makes being fat okay.
    And now you have some stick-insect woman telling you she’s too fat, taking away even that meagre excuse. It’s like Angelina or Posh telling you they are on a diet because they need to lose weight.
    It’s plain rediculous and silly. Plus, I guess you have way more important things to think about after giving birth (but what do I know, I don’t have children), for example, divorcing the “supprotive” husband.

    Now, at some point of your life, you have to start thinking “I am what I am and what I am needs no excuses, because I am superfantastic!”
    No matter if you are thin, fat or something in between.

  21. benvenuta October 27, 2007 at 7:56 am #

    I weigh 56 kg and wear US size six, and I don`t see the hypocrisy. Plumcake is 100% right.

  22. Chaser October 27, 2007 at 11:20 am #

    MFBG has a troll! Good work calling us out, Mark, on that hyprocisy. See, we’re just jealous hypocrites. You’re so right. We all feel ashamed, ashamed of ourselves for not supporting our sister Trista in her self-important, self-indulgent whinging about her nonissues. I’m so glad we had this little talk. It was wrong to point out what is, as Plumcake points out, a flagrantly fame-whorey attention grab designed to put her back in the public eye for 10.3 nanoseconds doing what all American women, if their blood runs red, approves of: criticizing her body and infantalizing herself for her husband. Why, she’s become my new role model, she has, and I applaud the people at US magazine for bringing us face-to-face with such hard-hitting issues as Trista’s ten pounds. That’s Pulitizer material, by heaven.

    I realize some misguided souls might find Trista’s well-publicized self-loathing, well, unnecessary, and–dare I even say it–affected. In a world where there is starvation, some struggle with vicious eating disorders, cancer strikes down people in their prime, and oppressive regimes kill and torture, we should, really, be focusing on Trista’s ten pounds. Yeah, she’s got a healthy baby, financial security, health and a happy if retch-inspiring marriage–and apparently a *fantastic* agent because who would have thought it was possible to get a front-page “sub-celebrity weight gain and loss saga” piece on somebody so thin and stupendously uninteresting? Those things pale, pale I say, in the light of ten pounds and swimsuit shopping. I

    Hey, stay strong, Trista. Thanks for sharing what really matters. I can’t wait for next week’s Us when they highlight Don Johnson’s brave, lifelong battle with man-freckles.

  23. Sniper October 27, 2007 at 11:25 am #

    We all feel ashamed, ashamed of ourselves for not supporting our sister Trista in her self-important, self-indulgent whinging about her nonissues.

    But Chaser, didn’t you know that feminism is all about supporting women? And if some women revel in the patriarchy and strive to bring other women down, and perpetuate a self-loathing diet mentality, we should all support that. Duh!

  24. Chaser October 27, 2007 at 12:13 pm #

    Oh, and Mark, why don’t you just hold your breath and wait for that Us front pager on “Fat Woman Eats A Muffin: Regrets Food Choice Later” story, because then you’ll be right: the situation will be analogous to Trista’s body image, ehrm, “issues.”

  25. Alexandra October 27, 2007 at 1:08 pm #

    Amen, Plumcake.

    You rock!

  26. Elizabeth K October 27, 2007 at 1:37 pm #

    shower with a hair dryer. I love it.

    If Trista thinks she’s fat that’s her issue. But there are times when it’s just better to keep your mouth shut. This would have been one of those times. There’s no need to go out and blab out every thought that pops into your head.

  27. ELS October 27, 2007 at 2:30 pm #

    Note to self: Never cross the Plumcake.

  28. Judith in Umbria October 27, 2007 at 3:22 pm #

    You know, this is just soul numbing. I’m not a big girl, I read this for the writing, which is damned good. I don’t know that magazine, either.

    How in the name of all that’s holy can any publication feature this in a cover story? I once was afflicted with anorexia, and with no help such as the husband of this twit is offering. I thought we’d all figured out that excessive attention to weight was SAD, BAD and DANGEROUS? This person is worrying about wearing a bikini instead of whether her baby is thriving. This person’s husband is giving her clear signals that he will tolerate her belly fat only as long as it takes to get it off fast. There’s nothing to rescue here, but how irresponsible of a magazine to feature this sickness as self improvement!

  29. CanadianChick October 27, 2007 at 3:27 pm #

    Chaser, Sniper? I love you two. Almost as much as I love Plumcake.

    And I weigh a LOT more than 116 lbs and not only does my DH think I’m sexy as hell, so do I. Doesn’t matter to me if other people don’t think I’m sexy…we’re the two that matter. (although there ARE other people who think I’m sexy…)

    And more importantly – I’m intelligent, well-liked, happy in my life and career, generous and talented. All WAY more important than being sexy.

  30. Kimks October 27, 2007 at 5:44 pm #

    Plumcake- you have my unduing love and gratitude- Shower with a hair dryer- classic.

  31. Despina October 27, 2007 at 5:52 pm #

    Plumcake, O Plumcake … I like to consider myself a fellow blogger of not-insignificant wit and clever turn of phrase, but in your presence, I have but this utterance: “I’m not worthy! I’m not worthy!”

  32. TeleriB October 27, 2007 at 9:16 pm #

    At my local store, this magazine was next to “People” with Queen Latifah on the cover. Headline: 200 LBS & Loving It!

  33. debutaunt October 28, 2007 at 3:20 am #

    I’d rather be a fat sow with 93402390 fat belly rolls than married to a man who calls this poetry:

    http://snow.com/hugeski/info/ryan.poems.asp

    They deserve each other. I hope they have a nanny to raise that baby. Maybe it might have half a chance then.

  34. Katie October 28, 2007 at 5:33 am #

    Suggesting that Ryan and Trista deserve death because of this is just a touch extreme, no? Would you be okay with, say, Ann Coulter suggesting that the entire Democratic Party should go shower with hair dryers?

  35. Plumcake October 28, 2007 at 9:33 am #

    If Ann Coulter’s job was to write humorous essays? Absolutely.

  36. KateriBella October 28, 2007 at 10:29 am #

    Mr. Trista’s (I like that name!) poetry would be likened to one around age 12 or 13, so full of angst, and wants to be seen as intelligent and and worldly and uses big words such as “plethora” and “pertaintly” in order to disguise the fact that he is 12 or 13 and has no more clue about anything than any of his little video-game playing friends (whom, by the way, would kick his angsty little ass if they knew what he was writing). For Mrs. Trista, however, fate will come around when Baby Trista comes home from his very prestigious grade school and asks, “Mother, why are you the same size as the skeleton model that hangs in the corner of our science room? Teacher says that those are our bones and that there is a layer of muscles, tissues, and skin that covers our skeletal system. Mother, were you born without the muscles and tissues? I shall discover a way to give them to you so that you can look normal; just like Tannim’s mom (KateriBella)! he he he he….

  37. Mark October 28, 2007 at 12:50 pm #

    Hmmmm, you really don’t see the irony in skewering this poor woman? She’s got problems, of that I have no doubt, but none of you have any issues with the obese size 22 woman asking her to pass those cookies?

    My point is, either they both have weight “issues” or they both don’t. Lambast her all you want, afaic she deserves it, but take a good look at yourself in the mirror and you just might see her reflection there, or they are two sides of the same coin, or … well hopefuly you get my point.

    Look I don’t have problems with eating healthy and being a size 2 or a size 16, but there’s a line on either side that once crossed is signs of a problem. Starving yourself to get to a size 0 is just as bad as overeating your way to a size 18.

  38. slownews October 28, 2007 at 2:14 pm #

    Marky, doll, we’re not skewering her. We are sorry for her, in her stupidity, poor self image, and slavery to the ideal this culture holds us to. And we’re angry at the editors who think her “problem” is newsworthy, and who are perpetuating the size 2 ideal for those kids or poor dears out there who haven’t figured it out yet. Now, when you’ve walked a few miles in our shoes, i.e., been the owner of a woman’s body through puberty, childbearing, and/or a few years into her 30s or 40s, then please do tell us all about being “healthy” or about weight/body image “issues.” Until then, please do everyone a favor and go post somewhere they care about your point of view.

  39. Sniper October 28, 2007 at 2:24 pm #

    Starving yourself to get to a size 0 is just as bad as overeating your way to a size 18.

    There is so much wrong with this sentence I don’t even know where to begin. It’s like one of those puzzles I had to dissect in Philosophy 101 in my heady undergrad days.

  40. Twistie October 28, 2007 at 2:47 pm #

    Ah, Mark! I begin to see your problem. You seem to think that if we all just ate healthily, we’d ALL HAVE THE SAME SIZE BODY!

    Perhaps it’s time to learn that different bodies are going to weigh different amounts, even if they’re consuming more or less the same diets. Also, coming on a plus-size blog and telling us we’re hypocritical and overindulgent? Is not a recipe for popularity.

    Here at Manolo for the Big Girl, we do not chastise our readers for their dress sizes. We expect them to be adults who can make their own decisions as to what they will or will not eat. We encourage a positive self-image because it’s just as healthy a thing as eating balanced meals and getting exercise. Whether our readers do those things or not is up to them as individuals. What effect eating those meals and getting that exercise has on them is up to Mother Nature.

    If you want to continue reading and perhaps even learn something, then you’re welcome to do so, of course. But if you keep just parroting back the same tired lines about how we’re all sitting here stuffing ourselves all day long and then complaining that we’re fat, don’t expect anyone to take anything you say as a useful criticism.

  41. Boy Named Sous October 29, 2007 at 2:29 am #

    I heard tiny screams in my head coming from all the brain cells suufering cruel deaths as I read that poetry. Although it does explain how Rya… er Mr. Trista… could be so dense as to think that “Uh, uh, uh!” is being supportive of a woman who obviously has some serious qualms about herself and her marriage.

    golf-playing ang maid-banging… that killed me. I think I want a bite of plumcake….

  42. Sniper October 29, 2007 at 8:27 pm #

    Wow. I am utterly shocked that Mark hasn’t come back with the usual troll flouncy post. You know – “You people can’t handle the truth, so sorry I broke up your little lovefest, you’re all hypocrites and bigots and I regret I ever tried to share my sweet reason with you…” – that post.

  43. Francesca October 30, 2007 at 7:03 am #

    Sniper-

    The troll to whom you refer has been excused from this community.