Okay, once, JUST ONCE I would like a guy to meet me, think I’m smart, funny and gorgeous and then NOT ask me to punish him in some bizarre way.
I mean, is it me? Okay, I’m tall and maybe a little intimidating and yes, technically the last long-term relationship I was in started with me threatening to drown him by the ankles in a hotel swimming pool, but as Herodotus wrote as he described the battle of Thermopylae in “Histories” book seven: “Damn, yo.”
Saturday night I had a guy in the middle of our FIRST DATE just sort of matter-o-factly ask me if I would step on a part of his personage that, in my limited understanding of human anatomy, should not ever, ever be stepped upon…and he wanted me to do it wearing my pink whipsnake shoes!!!
Honey no! I had those made in London. I am not trying to go around puncturing dudes with my $600 bespoke shoes (well, except that one time at the invitation-only 90% off sale at Saint Thomas, but it’s okay because he turned out to be a sales associate and thus probably used to death threats). Aside from the overall squookyness (that being a heavily-researched psychological term) of the whole thing, how would I even begin to explain the story to my cobbler?