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It’s Not *That* Kind of Whipsnake, Buddy | Manolo for the Big Girl

It’s Not *That* Kind of Whipsnake, Buddy

Okay, once, JUST ONCE I would like a guy to meet me, think I’m smart, funny and gorgeous and then NOT ask me to punish him in some bizarre way.

I mean, is it me? Okay, I’m tall and maybe a little intimidating and yes, technically the last long-term relationship I was in started with me threatening to drown him by the ankles in a hotel swimming pool, but as Herodotus wrote as he described the battle of Thermopylae in “Histories” book seven: “Damn, yo.”

Saturday night I had a guy in the middle of our FIRST DATE just sort of matter-o-factly ask me if I would step on a part of his personage that, in my limited understanding of human anatomy, should not ever, ever be stepped upon…and he wanted me to do it wearing my pink whipsnake shoes!!!

Honey no! I had those made in London. I am not trying to go around puncturing dudes with my $600 bespoke shoes (well, except that one time at the invitation-only 90% off sale at Saint Thomas, but it’s okay because he turned out to be a sales associate and thus probably used to death threats). Aside from the overall squookyness (that being a heavily-researched psychological term) of the whole thing, how would I even begin to explain the story to my cobbler?

20 Responses to “It’s Not *That* Kind of Whipsnake, Buddy”

  1. Of the Sea November 6, 2007 at 4:57 pm #

    Oh, how I wish I had your problem! I’ve lost count of the times I’ve been looked at in astonishment/panic/sheer shock when I’ve as much as tried to mildly spank a man.

    That said, proposing kinks on a first date??? He ougt to be squooked good, but never with your beautiful bespoke shoes.

    I bow to you, Plumcake, for making men beg for the punishment they so richly deserve. In your honour, let’s all sing along to Bette Midler’s “In these shoes”:

    Then I met an Englishman.
    “Oh,” he said, “Are you American?
    Won’t you walk up and down on my spine?
    It makes me feel strangely alive.”

    I said, “In these shoes? Oh, I doubt you’d survive.”

  2. Abby November 6, 2007 at 5:16 pm #

    What, no photo of the shoes? Or perhaps that would encourage your more ardent admirers overmuch?

  3. Henway November 6, 2007 at 5:37 pm #

    I am also a broad-shouldered, curvy girl in the 6-foot club in my heels or platform boots (I can never give them up.) When my hair’s done, my eyelashes thick, and my lips scarlet, I seem also to attract self-wiping doormats. I find their dreams for my dominance wearying, especially since I don’t groove to that vibe, my perfumed self.

  4. Margo November 6, 2007 at 6:25 pm #

    Plumcake, any cobbler worth their leather should have a ‘don’t ask, don’t tell” policy.

  5. Dee November 6, 2007 at 6:58 pm #

    A picture of the beloved (shoes, of course) would make this story complete.

  6. Twistie November 6, 2007 at 7:15 pm #

    It’s funny, sometimes, how people perceive us.

    I’d been dating a guy for three months once when he looked down at me, looked terribly confused, and said: “I just realized something: you’re short!”

    Despite the fact that I stand about knee-high to a grasshopper, that’s often about the last thing people notice about me.

    I do think you’re right to want to be careful of your superfantastic shoes when someone makes a request like that – particularly on a first date!

  7. Bridey November 6, 2007 at 8:02 pm #

    Indeed. If that’s how the gentleman kicks off the relationship, so to speak, one shudders to think what he’d request when you know each other a little better….

  8. teapunk November 6, 2007 at 8:20 pm #

    Strange. I (5’8) only get that when I’m wearing a pencil skirt and knee-high boots.

    That aside: Men! They are the strangest creatures, no? My husband can deal with my sometimes look of “glamorous valkyrie”, but he wasn’t easy to find.

  9. in la November 6, 2007 at 10:21 pm #

    Twistie —
    Funny — I get the opposite! Despite the fact that I feel like a giraffe every time I enter a room (standing 6’3″ in my four-inch heels), I’ve more than once been greeted with a sudden “Oh, you’re tall!” by someone who has known me for months.

  10. manderz November 7, 2007 at 1:04 am #

    Twistie: the exact same thing happens to me constantly! I once had to ask a former boss to get something off the top shelf for me, and she laughed, thinking I was joking and refused to do it until I stood next to her to actually visually prove that I was a whole head shorter than her (I’m not even 5’1″).

  11. Eilish November 7, 2007 at 1:19 am #

    Plumcake, best that you were tipped off to this sooner, rather than later. Any man that would ask you to desecrate shoes like that on a FIRST DATE is not worth your super-fantasticness.

  12. kimocean November 7, 2007 at 4:07 am #

    Well Plumcake, I’m not tall, but I have had some pretty “interesting” requests/suggestions on first dates. I sometimes wonder if it’s because I’m a woman who is confident with her body. I know I put off a somewhat sexual vibe (I’m curvy and not afraid to celebrate that) but that doesn’t mean common decency should go out the window. I recently had a man I barely know launch into all the things he’d like to do to me before we’d even gotten the check for dinner. How do these men think this is OK? Can’t they see that we’re women who deserve to be treated with respect?
    Sorry, I’ll get off my soapbox now. You just hit one of my big pet peeves.

  13. de November 7, 2007 at 9:32 am #

    Oh Plumcake, I can tell you now, the man for you will recognize and respect your shoes. Or at least your relationship with them.

    My Boy knows better than to disparage my shoes or suggest such things. He’d sooner make comments about my mother or my best friend than speak ill or filthy words re: my new gorgeous suede boots, for example.

    (Tho a well turned compliment is always appreciated.)

    PS, I do agree, let us see these wonderous shoes!

  14. Sara November 7, 2007 at 1:35 pm #

    I get these requests too. And I never know quite what to do in the middle of them being asked of me. Leaving seems so rude, but then so was the request.

    I think it’s because I celebrate the curves, I’m confident, but I can’t seem to quite go beyond Southern propriety. The “no” is there, but I can certainly see how there’s also an unspoken “yes, and so much more”. That seems to bring out the most passive, freaky men–neither of which I was looking for.

  15. JayKay November 7, 2007 at 8:04 pm #

    That’s just freaking amazing. Love the story! =)

  16. Anon November 9, 2007 at 12:54 pm #

    Sing it, sister! Love the Battle of Thermopylae reference.

  17. Laura November 9, 2007 at 2:04 pm #

    I…don’t even know.

    Maybe you are just too confident for their puny little brains to handle, so they short out and become masses of stupidity and rudeness.

  18. Jennie November 9, 2007 at 5:15 pm #

    Plumcake darling! You didn’t play this one right! You tell him “maybe” if he finds you the right shoe! And make sure he knows what your favorites are (Monolo, Prada, Ferrigama….) As he presents each pair of shoes, Lightly grind your foot on the GROUND (not groin) and tell him he failed and needs to go out and try again. that should be good for at least 2 to 3 pairs of the superfantastic shoes and only THEN do you kick this freak’s ass to the curb….

  19. QuiteLight November 14, 2007 at 3:03 pm #

    It’s probably the height thing, gorgeous. I’m a 5’10”, blonde, low-maintenance Amazon normally, but all it takes is a little red lipstick & something dramatic & black (most of my going-out wardrobe) & they start coming out of the woodwork. I attracted mostly submissive types for YEARS before being pounced on by my equally tall (6’5″) soulmate. My favourites:

    I was, admittedly, at my favourite goth bar. Felt something odd down by my foot & looked down to see the most ENORMOUS man (6.5 feet, 350 lb.s, easy) licking my toes through my peep toe shoes. I asked the woman he seemed to be with to rein him in. “Henry!! ASK first!”

    The next was a small, middle-aged, plump & bespectacled gent asking quite politely if I would saran-wrap him naked to a pillar & ignore him for a hew hours. When I equally politely declined, he asked plaintively if I needed a footstool before departing.

    How does one discover one has a taste for saran-wrapping in the first place? It must have been quite the sandwich-making accident.

  20. Oishi November 29, 2007 at 11:49 pm #

    Would also love the name & addressof the cobbler who made those extraordinary shoes …