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The Big Question: Mad as Heck! | Manolo for the Big Girl

The Big Question: Mad as Heck!

As many of our beloved Manolo for the Big Girl readers know, we got hacked by some unidentified disreputable internet-types whose parents clearly didn’t drop them enough as babies.

Francesca and Plumcake want to know

What, in a perfect world,  should happen to the no-prom-date-having, mouth-breathing, Princess-Leia-in-a-gold-bikini-fantasizing, Comic-Book-Guy-quoting donkey wranglers who hacked the Manolosphere?

Bonus points for anything involving badgers or Jell-o brand pudding pops.

19 Responses to “The Big Question: Mad as Heck!”

  1. AmazonAngelle February 7, 2008 at 3:23 pm #

    Well my first idea involves thin glass piping and a hammer, however the actual procedures are just a tad too graphic for posting here. I’ll come up with something else…

  2. Twistie February 7, 2008 at 3:25 pm #

    I stand foursquare against cruelty to animals, so I’m afraid I can’t work badgers into the scenario. OTOH, I’ve been thinking about this one a lot over the last couple days, so I do have some ideas.

    First, stone the sucker with Jello pudding pops (just for you, Plumcake) while bound to a wooden wheel that spins at random intervals so the pudding pops have an equal chance at any given moment of hitting either head or crotch. Bill Cosby will stand nearby making random pronouncements about Jello, just to make the experience as irritating as humanly possible.

    Once the miscreant is sufficiently pudding popped, The Backstreet Boys will croon about what a loser he is while pirouetting on the most tender portions of his anatomy.

    Last, but certainly not least, Heid Klum will declare him ‘auf’ with several scathing insults to his hacking prowess, sexual inadequacies, and poor fashion sense, and then kick him in the nose with her spiked heels.

  3. Bridey February 7, 2008 at 3:29 pm #

    Tempting as it is to say “Skin these creeps alive, use the skins to make cute outfits for badgers (who are sustained by Jell-O pudding pops), then post the results on lolbadgers.com,” one must hit such losers where they live, if you can call it living.

    I wouldn’t take away their computers entirely. Heavens, no. But I might limit their choices a little. How about, say, a nice Compaq 386 (circa 1987), with a pretty orange monochrome monitor and two mighty megabytes of RAM? Then, if they’re really, really good, perhaps they can have a 2400 bps modem and an AOL dialup account.

    Play WoW on that, jerks.

  4. Twistie February 7, 2008 at 3:30 pm #

    Bridey, I bow to your superior torture skills.

  5. cheeky February 7, 2008 at 3:42 pm #

    So this is a bit off-topic, but there haven’t been any clothes on this blog for a while. It would be cool to do a build-this-outfit type of thing here.

  6. Jennie February 7, 2008 at 5:13 pm #

    Have the badgers nibble off their fingers and “joy sticks”, freeze the parts in Jello pudding parts, and feed it to them while making them watch endless loops of Powerpuff girl cartoons….

  7. Chiken February 7, 2008 at 6:21 pm #

    Twistie, I afraid the hackers might enjoy the Heidi Klum aspect of your suggestion.

  8. Twistie February 7, 2008 at 7:51 pm #

    Chiken, I didn’t consider that aspect. In that eventuality, perhaps Michael Kors would be so kind as to don the spike heels of doom. He usually comes up with the bitchiest comments on the designs, anyway, so I know we can safely leave the snark in his more than capable hands.

  9. TropicalChrome February 7, 2008 at 10:13 pm #

    Epilady. Male private parts. ‘Nuff said.

  10. Leah February 8, 2008 at 12:51 am #

    Cheeky – ditto, but maybe not the time or place.

    As to the purps… let us assume that they don’t understand irony and move on to the real good stuff.

    Bridey and Tropical Chrome defiantly have some great ideas, and I don’t want to take that away from them. I think that as a rehabilitation step (after the Compy and AOL downgrade and the multiple Epilady treatments) should be to blog about their infinite faults in a fully disclosed manner, a minimum of 5 times per week. Think of it as blogosphere community service. We get to leave scathing comments to them whenever, and they must reply that we are correct in our unappealing conceit of their personality(ies) and back it up with little known facts from their lives.

    Or we could forgive…. hmmm… What Would Cameron (Manheim) do???

  11. leebee February 8, 2008 at 1:22 am #

    I missed out on this predicament… could someone please clue me into what occurred to this ever-so-lovely Manoloblog?

  12. Jennie February 8, 2008 at 3:29 am #

    Some crack nerds hacked the Manolo sphere and crashed the entire blog. Pissed off a whole lot of DIVAS. Cursing them with plague, blight, pre-electricity and pre-hot water life styles and hoping they are condemned to an afterlife of swineherding.

  13. gemdiva February 8, 2008 at 12:28 pm #

    Lock them in an isolation chamber with a computer that tells them to “hit any key” to continue and every time they hit a key the blue screen of death appears and tells them to reboot. When they reboot, It tells them to “hit any key to continue” and so on and so on ad infinitum. Oh, and give them each a vasectomy so that the extinction of their species is assured.

  14. PlumpPleaser February 8, 2008 at 2:16 pm #

    I say we make them walk a mile in Plumcakes 5inch heels. Sounds like torture to me!

  15. bonnie-ann black February 8, 2008 at 2:48 pm #

    as a style conscious, of a “certain age” big woman, *and* a true blue science fiction geek, i am surprised to see the read this kind of nasty stereotyping of computer-literate, pop culture savvy, men… or anyone of the “geeky” persuasion. i wonder how many women reading this blog attended *their* high school prom? i didn’t. it is very unlikely that science fiction fans of any kind did this type of thing… it’s childish, a waster of valuable brain time, and profits no one, not even in “wuffie points”… i thought the women of this site were of a better caliber of writer than to descend into the stygian depths of stereotyping that should have disappeared 15 years ago, when Gen-X came of age.

  16. Plumcake February 8, 2008 at 3:20 pm #

    Hmm, I thought the redeeming quality of geeks was their sense of humor. Guess we’re both wrong!

  17. Jezebella February 8, 2008 at 4:11 pm #

    I wish them a lifetime of ill-fitting brassieres, crappy plastic Payless stilettos (4″+), and cheap pantyhose as daily attire, and a requirement that they be hairless from nose-to-toes at all times, using only a blunt pair of tweezers for depilation.

    That ought to do it.

  18. Ripley February 8, 2008 at 5:53 pm #

    No curse I’ve ever read has matched the one that I’ve read for those who steal books. So to paraphrase that: “For him that hacketh a fabulous website, let his keyboard change into a Serpent in his hand and rend him. Let him be struck with Palsy, and all his members blasted. Let him languish in Pain crying aloud for mercy, and let there be no Surcease to his Agony till he sink to Dissolution. Let Bookworms gnaw his Entrails in token of the Worm that dieth not, and when at last he goes to his final Punishment let the flames of Hell consume him forever and aye.”

  19. Rabrab February 9, 2008 at 2:01 am #

    I’m with Bridey, but I think she’s being a tad generous.

    I’d give them a KIM-1 kit, a soldering iron with an intermittent short, and an 8″ black and white TV with a dying picture tube to use as a monitor. (A fully tricked-out KIM-1 had 1k of RAM, and a 24-character keyboard.) I’d give them a modem, too, because they wouldn’t be able to use it, anyway. And I’d let the badger guard the soldering iron.