Howdy gang! I just got back from a patently miserable mini-break where I was cruelly forced to stay in a place (hotel is too kind, brothel is too…kind) that shall forever go down in my memory as “The Busty Mermaid”
On the off chance I had the opportunity to leave my room –I was rained in and stuck on the world’s oldest and soggiest “Super Glamourpedic” mattress, the likes of which haven’t been seen outside a Dateline special or the CDC since 1965– I was subjected to some serious fashion don’ts courtesy of the other guests.
The biggest fashion don’t does not apply to us –it was a man in a cowboy hat, jeans, no shirt and a brilliant set of scratches down his back which he wore as a badge of pride (I expect he thought it was evidence of passionate lovemaking, in actuality it looked like evidence of the ill-advisedness of getting in the ring during an illegal cock fight) — but the sins of his female companion, which were as glaring and irritating as her neon orange nails– should serve as warning to us all.
Friends, this week’s mission is to get rid of all make up that is either expired or never suited you to begin with. Some people can wear electric blue eyeshadow. Some people –namely those who have never been married to Richard Burton or been the Queen of Egypt– cannot. Adjust accordingly.