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THERE IS A BAT IN MY OFFICE! | Manolo for the Big Girl

THERE IS A BAT IN MY OFFICE!

Friends, I am posting to you from under fire. There is a BAT in my office. I do not care for bats. You cannot eat them and the do not make pretty shoes. They do eat bugs and that is nice for my personal comfort, but I ate a bug once (well twice if you count the time in second grade when Steven Quick bet me a dollar that I wouldn’t eat a cicada in two bites) and I can’t really see as anyone with much sense would do it on purpose.
Anyway, as I’m positive that Terrence (I have named the bat Terrence) is either rabid, murderous or both I have decided to pen my last words and drip a few drops from ye olde font of knowledge ere I shuffle loose this mortal coil before I even get to wear my new Tory Burch wedges. So that being said, here are my final pearls of womanly wisdom:

Always wear a slip because you just never know.

There will always be wind. It’s like death and taxes both in inevitablity and in the fact that it blows. Unless you never wear dresses or have a popemobile (Incidentally, I have a JPII doll and he’s wearing bloomers under his chausble) you will, at some point, be walking somewhere where there is wind and your skirt WILL, in the immortal words of Keats take flight “on the viewless wings of Poesy” and you’ll ALWAYS be the most questionable pair of britches you own. It’s a rule of the universe. Trust me on this one.

I have seen way too many nubile young thighs for someone who doesn’t make a point to carry around a lot of singles. Don’t let it happen to you. The wind will still blow and your friends and neighbors will reveal their Tuesday underpants on a Thursday morning, but if your dress flips up, no one will be scandalizes by your scanties.

With this note (oh, and always carry a razor in your purse) I commend myself to Heaven. Come and get me Terrence. The comedy is over.

30 Responses to “THERE IS A BAT IN MY OFFICE!”

  1. AmazonAngelle March 25, 2008 at 3:46 pm #

    You know that may not be a regular bat, he could be a vampire in bat form and he’s checking you out to make you his queen. They do tend to have good taste and are independantly wealthy…think about it.

  2. Lysana March 25, 2008 at 4:08 pm #

    Oh, slips. Yes, yes, a thousand times, yes. I do not know what it is about some of the women I know, but the number of times I have seen them in white skirts without slips is far more often than I care to think about. And I mean the gauzy, summery kind of white skirt. I do not need to know if their thighs are meeting. I certainly do NOT need to know what color panties they are wearing and what style they are (and yes, I’ve seen them wearing non-white underwear under those filmy skirts). It’s something of an epidemic in my social circles, I fear. Do they think a slip is unfeminist? Degrading? Or what?

    I do hope you’ve gotten the bat issue resolved. Those things are freaky in daylight.

  3. Jane March 25, 2008 at 4:41 pm #

    Alas, poor Plumcake! Let us mourn her by buying ourselves tasteful yet chic outfits for spring, not forgetting shoes and handbags. She would have wanted it that way.

  4. Bridey March 25, 2008 at 6:45 pm #

    And, of course, not forgetting all necessary and appropriate undergarments!

    Or a slip, as dear Plumcake advised, at the very least. Around here, the question about underpants is sometimes not what but whether — and really, it’s a question I’d rather not have the answer to.

    And, you know, I can envision Plumcake working somewhere surrounded by bats.

  5. kimks March 25, 2008 at 6:51 pm #

    I could not agree more- Slips People- they keep people from seeing what they should not and helps a skirt lay smoothly- Slips! The wonder undergarment.

    Plumcake- Bats are Creepy when they are A: in Day light and B: in your office. Good Luck- we will miss you!

  6. Twistie March 25, 2008 at 8:22 pm #

    Not to be cruel, my darling Plumcake, but have you ever heard the Flanders and Swann song about The Spider In the Bath? Since they never wrote a song about a bat, it’s all I can think of right now:

    Now it’s time for me to shave
    Though my nerves will not behave
    And there’s bound to be a fearful aftermath
    So before I cut my throat, I will leave this final note
    Driven to it by the spider in the bath

    If I was in your general vicinity, my best parasol and I would be absolutely at your disposal in aid of Terrence removal.

    Is this a good time to mention that I am never without my bat ring, Eric?

  7. Peaches March 25, 2008 at 8:33 pm #

    Have no fear… Im sending a bat catcher for Terrence. He will then be relocated to the coast for all the mosquito eating he desires.

  8. CanadianChick March 25, 2008 at 9:42 pm #

    am I the only one who is finding it increasingly difficult to FIND slips? Fortunately I sew and can make my own, or line my clothes, but none of the plus size chain stores I’ve been in recently has had anything even remotely resembling a slip…which I find incredibly odd given the popularity of dresses!

  9. TropicalChrome March 25, 2008 at 9:43 pm #

    Perhaps the reason they’re not wearing slips is because it seems nigh unto impossible to find them in stores these days. I have just completed my own unintentional slip odyssey – I did not think I would have to visit half a dozen stores in order to find a black half slip of an appropriate length for a new dress I intend to wear next week (so mail order was Right Out). What I found is not ideal but it will do.

  10. Rosemary March 25, 2008 at 9:55 pm #

    Slips are a must under any sort of clothing where your underthings would show. They suck so hard and are staticky and UGH I HATE SLIPS but goddamnit, I have one in my wardrobe. Just in case.

    Even though you couldn’t get me within 10 feet of a white or gauzy skirt. Knowing me, I would end up ass over teakettle in minutes.

  11. Chaser March 25, 2008 at 10:11 pm #

    Not to threaten poor old Terrance or anything, but when I was in the Peace Corps I…ahem…dealt with bats using a tennis racket.

  12. Annalucia March 25, 2008 at 10:12 pm #

    The Annalucia prefers the split, or culotte slip, especially in the hot weather. It is not lifted by the wind no matter how strong, and it is a guard against the chafing of the thighs.

    One can buy them in silk at Wintersilks.com (they come up to a six XL, or approximately 18) and in cotton or nylon at vermontcountrystore.com, where they come even larger.

  13. Sniper March 25, 2008 at 10:53 pm #

    Please do not harm Terrence! No doubt he is simply visiting in order to admire, or perhaps to eat a mosquito or two.

  14. Chaser March 25, 2008 at 11:32 pm #

    I’m not saying to harm poor little Terrence. I’m just thinking maybe you could bring in the racquet, waggle your eyebrows in a meaningful fashion, and he’ll get the hint and amscray…

  15. Monkey March 26, 2008 at 3:21 am #

    I was going crazy trying to figure out where to find slips, and of all places, you know where I found some? Kmart. You have to dig a little to find the bigger ones, but I’ve found a reasonable number of XL’s and 2XL’s pretty easily. And they’re cheap too, like 6-9 bucks.

  16. TeleriB March 26, 2008 at 9:10 am #

    “Pat, get the cat. There is a giant moth in the bathroom, going WHOP-WHOP-WHOP.” So spake my mother, emerging from the bath without her glasses.

    My father peered into the bathroom. “Moths don’t go WHOP-WHOP-WHOP, honey,” he reported. “That’s a bat.”

    “I just took a bath with a bat in the room?!”

    Alas, we were all laughing too hard at this point in the story to find out how the bat was removed. Sorry, Plumcake.

  17. Toby Wollin March 26, 2008 at 9:19 am #

    Twistie – ah, another Flanders and Swan devotee – marvelous.
    Plumcake – I hope you receive this message untouched by bats. Slips, on the other hand, I have quite a collection of, having frankly nicked off all of my mother’s vintage ones when she passed on. I also make my own and take advantage of any I find on retail (because, as we all know, slips (like green pumps)follow the “First Law of Shopping” which is: If you see it and love it, and it fits and doesn’t cost the earth, buy it because the next time you go…it will most certainly be gone.

  18. Style Spy March 26, 2008 at 9:56 am #

    Big slip devotee here — I have probably 6 half-slips and 4 or 5 full slips. The full slips have the added advantage of being beautiful and something you can slink around the house like Elizabeth Taylor in “Cat on a Hot Tin Roof.” Which is never a bad thing. The other bonus of a slip is that they cut way down on the ol’ VPLs. And in a pinch, you can knot the ends and use them as a bag to catch bats.

  19. chachaheels March 26, 2008 at 10:53 am #

    First: Please. Kill. The. Bat.

    I don’t care what anyone thinks about how cute they are, or whatever: there’s a chance it might be rabid and that’s just not a chance you should take. Don’t let it stay in the room. And don’t you stay in the room.

    Well, maybe that’s a bit hysterical: Get the heck out of there until it has been removed for good, by a professional wildlife removal agent who knows how to do this safely. Who will then likely kill it to make sure there’s no threat of rabies from bats in your area.

    As for slips, I hope you’ll understand me when I say that ever since childhood I have loathed wearing them, I’ve despised fighting with them to keep them from slithering around as I walk or breathe. Bras that believe they’re meant to be necklaces (yes! even the super expensive ones, “expertly fitted”…), tights that creep down with every step, even if they’re made with super strong waistbands “meant” to hold them in place…and on top of that, the wayward, drifting slip. Every piece of lingerie has its own latent disaster potential, so why heap on more and more? It’s like harassing the gods until they strike back at you. There are many other ways to live daringly, and with more enjoyment than bother involved.

    My own alternative, since I vastly prefer dresses is to make sure the material’s not flimsy, or lined it if is; make sure the cut’s not the kind I know is “made for breezes”; and if the breeze-tempting dress looks good, make sure I always have nice undies on underneath. I just don’t put the dress on unless the nice undies are ready to be worn with it, and the grooming that must be done is done. This is not for anyone’s benefit but my own: if it all becomes visible, I won’t care–I’ll be too busy enjoying my life because I’m free from irritation from my clothes.

    After all, a breeze that will lift a skirt will also lift a slip–if it hasn’t already wound itself up under your arms or into your bra cups, that is.

  20. Sara March 26, 2008 at 4:22 pm #

    @AmazonAngelle: hahaha fantastic bat advice!

    Miss Plum, I know how awful that bat situation is because I used to work summers in Montana and on more than one occasion, there were bats IN MY BEDROOM. Bats plural. Flying. The way to fix it is to stand in the hallway looking fetching in your best 40’s Hollywood starlet satin nightgown while a handsome cowboy chases the bat from your room. Thank him profusely for his bravery–bonus points for Southern accent here. Follow up with thank you pie because men really seem to like pie. This way, when the bear comes into your room, someone is ready to ride to your rescue.

  21. Jeni March 26, 2008 at 5:22 pm #

    I’m sure the bat issue has been taken care of but for future bat issues: And warning this is kind of a rant.

    As the daughter of a retired zookeeper and a current wildlife rehaber, don’t kill the bat. Yes bats can get rabies BUT the likely hood is very slim. You are much more in danger of getting rabies from dogs and cats, then you are from a bat. Unless you are bitten or scratched by the bat, your fine. Leave the office, call animal control or your local bat rescue and they can collect the bat for you. If they know what they are doing at all, they will simply let said bat go, unless it looks injured or sick in which they will bring it to a vet and decided on further treatment. Seriously I’d be much more worried about having a cute little stray kitten/puppy (who probably would love to play with you, leading to possible scratches and bites) in your office then a bat (who wants nothing more then to get the hell out of the room). And while I’m on my animal soap box, you can’t get rabies from reptiles (in case someone here thinks you can). I went on a call with my mother to get a “giant” snake out of a woman’s house, last week. She was worried she was going to get rabies from the GIANT KILLER SNAKE OF DOOM. The snake was a harmless black rat snake baby (probably a ft long and the width of my little finger). She seemed surprised to learn reptiles cant get rabies….SO apparently this is not common knowledge? OK end of rant.

    As for slips, I can NEVER find them in stores in my size, ever. I have given up and just order them online. I will second the suggestion of culotte slips, they are fabulous and the only way I will wear a skirt in the summer, chub rub is so not sexy!

  22. Liz March 26, 2008 at 6:17 pm #

    If you survive the bat attack, I highly recommend a lovely slip available at Neimans (and worth every penny) that has little weights sewn in the side seams that prevents slip creepage and wrinkling. This slip provides that lovely smooth surface that guarantees that your dress will look its best.

  23. Peaches March 26, 2008 at 6:36 pm #

    While we are pushing 100degrees in the summer, I cant think of anything more uncomfortable and a nylon or polyester slip. Its like buying wonderfully cool linen with a rayon lining.WHY! Id love to find pretty and thin half slips. Until then. I’ll wear my pretties and flirt with the wind.

    Just dont tell my dad. Weve all heard “ladies dont leave the house without a slip”. Oy.That was his mantra. Back then the slip was an unwanted tangle in the back seat doing the boyfriend tumble :)

  24. Jeni March 26, 2008 at 8:53 pm #

    Peaches- have you tried making a slip? I would think light weight silk would work fine (and you could put the weights in the hem), and it would be an easy project.

  25. Peaches March 26, 2008 at 11:37 pm #

    Jeni-
    Thats a great idea. With my many talent at hand, sewing is not one of them. I can gnarl a simple button replacement without trying. My seamstress would love an easy project. Sometimes the obvious eludes me. Thanks!

  26. Jeni March 27, 2008 at 2:51 am #

    Peaches- no problem, glad to help! I didn’t think about it until you said something. I’m thinking I might try and make one, I have some left over china silk that would work well…I just finished making a corset (I do Civil War reenacting) it might be nice to do a mindless project.

  27. Leah March 27, 2008 at 10:36 am #

    The fact that this spam commenting really sticks out is, I think, a testament to the mindful, clever, and enthralling writing of the fantabulous folks that read and comment on this blog.

    So, thanks, “ann” for reminding us that we’re all awesome. Enjoy your tall models.

  28. Chaser March 28, 2008 at 1:10 am #

    Microbats actually are kind of cute, but the ones I used to take the racquet to were big, big bats. You pinged them (not hard), they got discombobulated and fell down, you lifted them onto the racquet with a second racquet, set them outside, hoped something didn’t eat them while they were clearing their heads of the stars circling around them, and if not they came out of it and flew away. This is the tropical forest version of pest control, where the bats do indeed bite (not commonly, but it happened often enough that I had a zero tolerance policy.) Monkeys catch onto the racquet quickly, too.

    Just old Chaser, being part of the grand Circle of Life.

    I’m glad it seems that Plumcake did not die from the bat.

  29. Jie Zhang July 23, 2008 at 10:15 am #

    singles flirt up your lifeManolo for the Big Girl!