The Big Question: Stretch Your Lexicon, Ladies
By PlumcakeA friend of mine, Lex, is a singular sort of genius. She comes up with THE most magnificent, baroque and hair-burningly vulgar invectives that my porcelain cheeks have ever had the good fortune to blush upon reading. Since my life is devoid of anyone who really needs a good whopper I open the question to you:
Plumcake and Francesca want to know:
What is the best/most creative name you have every called (or thought to call) someone? Please keep the profanities to a minimum ladies, they’re too easy.
May 28th, 2008 at 2:56 pm
“Blasphemous little fraction of a man.”
I didn’t come up with it (a friend did) but I’ve been saving it for a special occasion.
May 28th, 2008 at 3:00 pm
Wow. This comes up less than 24 hours after a person who didn’t care for the reporting I did on alleged “study” he conducted questioned my intelligence, competence, and ethics in an e-mail to a VIP in the very insular industry I work in, then forwarded his e-mail exchange with the VIP — without the VIP’s permission, and with her replies carefully edited to make it look like she was agreeing with him — to my boss’s boss.
How about “Sleazy, lying, attention-whoring, unemployable consultant scum”?
(The Big Boss didn’t fall for it, btw, and the VIP vehemently denied that she’d ever slammed me and said she’s going to “write off” the person who did this for good.)
May 28th, 2008 at 3:01 pm
Odious little man.
Friend came up with that description
May 28th, 2008 at 3:17 pm
I don”t recall it all, but it started out “Thrice-cursed son of a mangy she-goat and a leprous armadillo” and ended with “useless waste of protoplasm”. It went on in the same vein for about a minute in between those two phrases. No profanity at all.
May 28th, 2008 at 4:29 pm
I’m going to go the other way here with the positive. I call my closest friends:
Honey Bunny and Sweet Theen
May 28th, 2008 at 5:38 pm
In my group of girlfriends, any boy that is new to the group starts off with a nickname - it’s practically necessary for memory placing purposes - and then eventually is awarded his own name back after good behavior (doesn’t often happen). So there have been many names…
Space Boy
the Unboyfriend
Brian #2
Awkward blind date boy
Baby T
Weird Chris
Cubicle Crush Tom
and my ultimate favorite: Homeland Jon. First shortened to Ho Jon, now shortened to HoJo.
May 28th, 2008 at 6:18 pm
Curtain Pants. Don’t ask.
May 28th, 2008 at 6:31 pm
I freely admit this is a borrowed line from my husband and proves I’m a gamer geek, but I still like it:
Illegitimate offspring of an orc-raped basilisk.
May 28th, 2008 at 7:10 pm
I can’t claim credit: my father’s favorite insult is “flying concrete harpy.” However, I’ve come up with “epic, jet-propelled freakshow.” Apparently our irritatants do a lot of aviation!
May 28th, 2008 at 7:19 pm
rabrab, I think I’ve fallen irretrievably in love with your descriptive powers.
Why is it I can’t think of any of my best turns of phrase right now? Descriptions are usually my forte.
May 28th, 2008 at 7:30 pm
I once spat out, “Liz, in the game show of life, YOU are the consolation prize”. this, after she slept with my boyfriend.
(and yes, I broke up with him)
May 28th, 2008 at 8:09 pm
Not what you meant, but: Not long ago someone called me a “thoughtful hedonist.” It was one of the nicest things anyone has ever said about me. I’m thinking of getting a t-shirt made.
May 28th, 2008 at 8:29 pm
“Le douche” for a guy who was as a girlfriend and I put it “a guy who was a cross between a tool and a douchebag”.
May 28th, 2008 at 8:42 pm
We’re Shakespeareans - after watching the history plays, one odious ex was nicknamed “John the Bastard”.
May 28th, 2008 at 8:49 pm
This is not mine, it is from one of George MacDonald Fraser’s “Flashman” books but I’m quite fond of it: Bastard noseless offspring of a leprous ape and a gutter descended sow.”
May 28th, 2008 at 9:49 pm
One of the guys on my brother’s rugby team has been dubbed Couch, and when I first realized who they were talking about I assumed it was his last name. No, it is in fact because sleeps most nights on another team member’s couch (because he lives an hour’s commute out of town). Amusing.
May 28th, 2008 at 11:34 pm
daft cow or hateful bitch are my favorites
May 29th, 2008 at 12:36 am
“Odious little man” sounds like something from Hercules Poirot and ““Thrice-cursed son of a mangy she-goat and a leprous armadillo” sounds like something I’ve heard in a movie (but cannot place it).
I’ve referred to people as “as waste of carbon”. In high school I would tell some of the jocks that they were “strong like bull and smart like ox” (they didn’t get that this was an insult).
Usually I only managed to mutter the more common terms - jack*** and the like.
May 29th, 2008 at 8:13 am
Francesca is reminded of a friend in high school, who, when angered, would curse the offender with “may 100 llamas pee in your pocketbook.”
Not directly a name, but amusing nonetheless.
xoxo
May 29th, 2008 at 9:26 am
Well…the Annalucia has described the Whole Foods store as “The FAO Schwartz of grocery stores,” and she has said of herself and the Tedesco that in the 800-page Russian novel of life, the two of them were the comic relief. Which is a very good thing to be, she might add, should one inhabit a Russian novel.
May 29th, 2008 at 9:38 am
It’s kind of icky, but I recently overheard someone referring to a particularly odious individual as a “steaming coil of bumloaf”.
Here in the country, most of the insults tend to be rather colourful and nature-based: “mean as cat-piss…crazier than ten barrels of dogs**t”…you get the gist.
The worst insult I leveled at someone was a cheating ex. The insult went something like this (the odd word may have varied, but I recall it fairly clearly, because I rehearsed it beforehand! LOL!):
“You’re not a man. Being a man means having integrity and honour, and being true to your word. You’ll never be a man, because you don’t even have the balls to own up to your own mistakes. You’ll always be a lying, snivelling, cowardly little waste of oxygen, and you deserve to die alone and unloved.”
May 29th, 2008 at 10:53 am
***note to self: never piss off La Petite Acadienne***
May 29th, 2008 at 11:28 am
I know we’re supposed to keep profanities to a minimum, but a few years ago a friend called to tell me that her first date with a particular male (they met on match.com) ended when he excused himself to the restroom… and never came back.
I referred to him as “that cocks**king motherf**king little prick” and felt very good about it.
I now return you to your non-profane, imaginative insults.
May 29th, 2008 at 11:28 am
Odoriferous (or odoriferous, if you prefer) son of a jackal and two bit strumpet were personal favorites at one time. Now, I try to avoid purposeful insult, though I have recently called someone a “sad and sorry little man”, because, well, he was being a sad and sorry little man at the time.
May 29th, 2008 at 11:30 am
Francesca said:
Francesca is reminded of a friend in high school, who, when angered, would curse the offender with “may 100 llamas pee in your pocketbook.”
………………
We used to offer a similar curse: “May the fleas of 1000 camels infest your armpits”.
May 29th, 2008 at 11:42 am
My best friend and one of her friends use “water-retaining sea cow” as a term of endearment. I have no idea why.
May 29th, 2008 at 11:50 am
I didn’t come up with this; it’s from the mouth of a friend’s 6-year-old boy and one of the subtlest insults I think you could ever come up with: “You’re a DO-OVER.”
I know I’ve got a couple more, but I’m drawing blanks at the moment…
May 29th, 2008 at 12:25 pm
Not mine (the credit must go to Patsy from AbFab) but I use it often. “Sour-faced ditch rat”
May 29th, 2008 at 1:07 pm
The “wedding coordinator” who ran the site where my sister’s wedding reception was an unpleasant sort, and we ended up referring to him as the “angry little man who didn’t like brides very much”. This has since been shortened to “angry little man”, which immediately evokes a very potent picture/insult for anyone who met this person.
In the more hedonistic days of my youth, I used to play a quaint drinking game with my friends called “quarters”. Without going into detail, it’s the kind of game where the further you get into it, the more rules there are, and the more alcohol you’ve imbibed, so you break more rules and need to imbibe more alcohol. One of the most common additional rules is “no swearing”.
My friends knew and had heard the results of my large and colorful vocabulary of curse words, so this rule was very restrictive for me. It didn’t help that one night a friend of mine was putting me on the spot any time he was able to make someone else drink. Finally, in utter frustration, I told him: “Go suck a raw egg.”
It did its job, and well…I don’t play quarters anymore.
Then there’s one I picked up from my 7th grade science teacher: “Son of a left-handed screwdriver”. It’s good for saves when you’re halfway through the more traditional version and realize it’s inappropriate.
May 29th, 2008 at 1:40 pm
Just yesterday, my guitar-department music store cohorts proclaimed, after the customer left, of course, “Your mother played Crate and your father reeks of First Act!”. This, of course, based on subpar instrument brand names, casually blended with a whiff of Mont Python. I did once call a former employer (in response to his firing me for absolutely no reason!?!) an ‘arrogant, misogynist, nouveau-rich redneck yuppie’ who suffers from Small Man Syndrome.
May 29th, 2008 at 1:48 pm
There is a church wedding coordinator that my wedding party and I referred to at the time as Miss Umbridge (yes, as in the “Harry Potter” character). She screwed up our paperwork, promised she’d consult the parish priest about our questions but never called him, and outright lied to us about things that were and were not permitted. Also, she shared Dolores Umbridge’s favorite color–the stove and countertops in her kitchen were pepto-bismol pink, as were the walls of her office.
May 29th, 2008 at 2:03 pm
We have a neighbor who likes to wander in front of windows in his birthday suit. We call him Stretch Marks McSmall Cock. :) (The night he was killing a spider with a towel while he bounced up and down really validated the last part of that name.) *shiver*
May 29th, 2008 at 2:25 pm
A friend of mine in high school had recently immigrated from India and didn’t know the correct cussing vernacular of 1989 (we soon taught him though). He was getting picked on by one of the popular kids and his response was rightfully indignant “You, you, lump of corruption”. It stopped the popular kid in his tracks - I mean, seriously, how do you respond to that? It’s a classic!
May 29th, 2008 at 4:02 pm
‘Round heeled nit-picker,’ Good Lord above, the woman I used that phrase on took near orgasmic delight in verbally tearing down everyone around her at every opportunity. She was positively whorish in her gossip and criticism.
May 29th, 2008 at 5:13 pm
“Oozing gelatinous cretin.”
However, I have a friend, more creative and visual than I, who, when she decided the description “tool” was insufficient for a particular ****bag, augmented with
“He’s not a tool. He’s a 6-piece ratchet set. Craftsmatic.”
May 29th, 2008 at 6:21 pm
Once when I called my sister in tears after being (figuratively) screwed by my boss (let’s call him John Smith) my sister, who had just gotten a computer with a voice simulator on it, made it speak the following sentence to me in a comic robot voice “John Smith picks his nose and f**ks small animals”. We played it repeatedly and finally collapsed laughing. It’s great to have sisters :-)
May 29th, 2008 at 6:33 pm
When my sister was going through her divorce, I named her ex Dumpybutt. She had to send him some paperwork and had forgotten she’d named the file “Dumpybutt’s Crap.” He was upset. She said she had no idea why.
One particularly odious and freaky ex is referred to only as PsychoRatBastard one word).
And generically stupid, arrogant, misogynistic twits are referred to as demon prickweasels.
May 29th, 2008 at 7:30 pm
After attending an extremely badly-run and pointless meeting a friend of mine described it as “watching a monkey trying to fuck a football.” If anything, he was being generous.
May 29th, 2008 at 9:26 pm
Greyhound! From the old Greyhound bus ads - “She’s fast, she’s easy, she’s Greyhound!”
May 29th, 2008 at 10:29 pm
This one does have a bit of profanity (sorry, Plumcake) but was roundly applauded by my friends when I first uttered it to a very deserving person: “You are a microcephalic f*cktard.”
May 30th, 2008 at 2:05 am
dcsurfergirl - do I know you?? *lol*
I’ve been calling one of my girlfriends “water-retaining sea cow” for about 10 or 15 years. Another one is “rat-faced whore”. Yes, these are friends. They’re not especially inventive friends though - my nickname is “scaly bitch” (I have psoriasis)
one of my favourite lines, and I have used it in public, when someone is especially annoyingly stupid, is “I’m SO sorry your mother dropped you on your head when you were a baby”. Usually they don’t get it.
My husband referred to a rather “Cliff Claven” like barfly as a “veritable Smithrite of information” (Smithrite was a local Dumpster company).
I’ve also referred to people as being the result of someone peeing in the gene pool, or asked if their parents met at a family reunion…
May 30th, 2008 at 8:58 am
My father, in a bout of terrific frustration with someone he’d hired to work on a project with him, referred to the young man as “The Son of the God of Ignorance”.
It’s a useful name! I often find people for whom this descriptor would be apt.
(Although I’ve always wanted to know: who, then, is the actual God of Ignorance? Maybe I shouldn’t want to know).
May 30th, 2008 at 1:56 pm
I have a friend who will often acclaim that folks were “Raised by Wolves!” or that they are “crack-smoking sheba monkeys.” The first is used in exasperation at rudeness, and the second is used for the insane, whether crazy by design or ignorance.
May 30th, 2008 at 3:19 pm
“A festering boil on the butt of humanity” and “A maggot infested pimple on the nose of the world” (my ex husband is very inventive)
May 30th, 2008 at 8:05 pm
“A penis wrinkle on a small, flaccid, syphilitic penis.”
Said spontaneously to describe one particular dick I know. Seriously, this guy is horrible. He’s just a dick, through and through. He consists entirely of penis.
May 30th, 2008 at 10:06 pm
On Ravelry (fibercrafts social networking site) there’s a forum where people share their creative near-profanities — the things they’ve thought of to say so they don’t inadventantly teach their toddlers bad words. One of the first expressions shared (and one that has taken hold around our house):
“Moosebag!”
May 30th, 2008 at 11:36 pm
I LOVE this site that ’spins’ all kinds of totally hilarious Shakespearean insults… many are drawn from his plays… the laughs never stop, as they’re pretty ridiculous and of course, archaic! I’ve used a couple of these before, to the complete and utter bewilderment of the recipients :)
http://www.pangloss.com/seidel/Shaker/index.html?
My favorite is: Idol of idiot-worshippers!
A few other examples:
Were I like thee I’d throw away myself.
Your virginity, your old virginity is like one of our French wither’d pears: it looks ill, it eats drily.
Thy head stands so tickle on thy shoulders, that a milkmaid, if she be in love, may sigh it off.
[Thou] villainous abominable misleader of youth!
Thou weedy swag-bellied boar-pig!
Thou infectious hell-hated haggard!
The most infectious pestilence upon thee!
Thou misbegotten brazen-faced hedge-pig!
Truly thou art damned, like an ill-roasted egg, all on one side.
May 31st, 2008 at 7:58 am
My ex gave me a rather colorful way to address someone, which I then turned on him when we broke up. Festering penis blister.
My most recent ex had been working out of town helping his family with their local business operations and had come back to town for a visit. Which meant hitting me up for pizza and a booty call, then not only broke my bed while he was goofing around on it, but left me to repair it and skipped out without a word. I left two messages on his phone (this was back in September) and didn’t hear word one of him until he called on New Year’s Day to say “Yeah, I think I was kind of an assh*** to you.” My reply:
“I don’t think you were an ass, I know you were. You are simply the most cowardly, disrespectful, obnoxious, immature cretin I have ever dated. You lack motivation, responsibility, and bedroom skills. I don’t think enough soap can possibly wash your memory out from between my legs. And I was lying about your size; it matters.” *cue hanging-up sound*
May 31st, 2008 at 9:25 am
When my friend’s boyfriend led her on for 18 years (they were childhood “sweethearts”, encouraged to end up together by v. traditional Indian parents) before finally coming out of the closet, but after dumping her rather ceremoniously through Facebook, we came up with “mewling weather-bitten boarpig.”
May 31st, 2008 at 10:43 am
A friend of mine came up with this, for my best pal who slept with my husband (they’re both ex-es now):
“She’s a curb-crawling chunk of slutmeat.”
May 31st, 2008 at 11:47 am
Dumpster Baby
June 1st, 2008 at 1:30 pm
“Ankle” is my favorite.
I have an absolute horror of the “C” word, and can only think of two times I’ve ever used it in reference to an actual human (well, carbon based life form) female. However, a friend of mine pointed out that anatomically speaking, an ankle is about two feet lower than a “C” word.
Marvelous! Not only do I NOT have to say the “C” word, but it’s actually a much worse insult. :)
June 1st, 2008 at 7:05 pm
One of my favorites - and it’s mildly profane - is stump jumping sister fucker, it’s for general use. I had a friend once who refused to date any woman who wasn’t physical perfection. His ego knew no bounds. He got in an argument with one of our female friends about this and when she was done yelling she turned and in a very calm voice said, “I hope you fall madly in love with a woman who will only ever be beautiful on the inside.”
I’m still fond of that one.
June 1st, 2008 at 7:21 pm
This is what I’ve lately been calling an Executive at my company who is driving everyone absolutely insane — A passive-agressive, power-horny, aggravating little fuckwit.
It really rolls off the tongue, and it makes me feel good Every. Single. Time.
June 2nd, 2008 at 12:13 am
“Aborted fetus of Satan!!”
June 3rd, 2008 at 12:32 am
Well, since we seem to have strayed from the “no cussin” rule…
Needle-dick snake fucker has always been one of my faves…
and new new favorite- Fuckweasel.
Gotta love it.
*And I’ve been calling my best girl a water retaining sea cow for years!
June 3rd, 2008 at 8:05 am
Sadly, my best name-calling happened when I was in the 1st grade. I went to a fairly small school that was K-12 and the kids all had to ride the same buses. There was senior named Rick that was basically just a bully. I can’t remember what happened but one day I shouted to him from the front of the bus, “You think you are such a King Kong? You’re nothing but a Ding Dong!”
Maybe not the most clever insult but everyone started laughing at him for being told off by a blondie in pig tails and he sat quietly for the rest of the trip home. :-)
June 5th, 2008 at 8:11 pm
These are great.
I’m a great fan of “jackface” - it doesn’t really make sense, but it’s very satisfying to say when someone cuts you off in traffic.
June 9th, 2008 at 12:14 am
This is one of my grandmother’s and I think from Northern Maine - but when someone is being an especially unmotivated or lazy killjoy they say, “Don’t be such an old fart in a mitten!” i love that one:)