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Some Friday Advice from Plumcake | Manolo for the Big Girl

Some Friday Advice from Plumcake

The trouble with telling people that you write about fashion is that people automatically ask you what you think about their outfits, and that can end in heartache, and by “heartache” naturally I mean “an entire weekend spent with twelve ounces of the finest porterhouse strapped on your recently rearranged face.”

Do not, under any circumstance heed the old chestnut “unless you have something nice to say, don’t say anything at all” for this will end in heartache as well.  Not saying anything when confronted by a big girl who –from the tip of her Bjork mini-bunned head to the bottom of her  beskulled stirrup-panted feet– is the hottest hot mess in the tri-county area will always fail.

Would that I had listened to my own advice. Thankfully, I escaped what our friend Billy S.  refers to as a “predestinate scratched face”  but not by much.

Which brings me to my second point: unless you are currently straddling a horse, stirrup pants = no.

Until a few days ago, had you bet me cash money that you could go into a store and emerge with a pair of stirrup pants I would have taken your bet and planned all sorts of vainglorious and complicated victory dances plus an array of remarks involving “your mom” to be performed upon my certain triumph.

Yet somehow they are making a resurgence. Who? Who are these people? Do they not know what pants are? Did my 5th grade closet become some sort of sacred shrine without me knowing? And most importantly, if stirrup pants are back, how far away can we possibly be from puffpaint sweatshirts, multiple Swatches and, God help me, butt bows?

The lip, she quivers.

14 Responses to “Some Friday Advice from Plumcake”

  1. EvilScienceChik May 30, 2008 at 2:37 pm #

    I bought skorts the other day.

    should I be ashamed? I don’t even know any more…

  2. Kimocean May 30, 2008 at 7:43 pm #

    I have to defend the skort for those of us with generous thighs a casual skort can be a lifesaver in summer weather. The one rule I have about skorts is that it must look like a skirt ALL-THE-WAY-AROUND! No skirt in the front/shorts in the back messes please!

    And now I may be mocked for this, but the stirrup pant ban is one I’m not so sure about. I don’t think there’s anything inherently wrong with a pant that hooks under your foot if you’re really going for a slim lined leg look. They are just so firmly tied to early nineties fashion that we can’t bear them right now but give it a few months and I bet a lot of tunes will change. It reminds me of when flared jeans first came back and everyone was swearing they would never wear them because they looked like what their moms wore in the 70’s yet we all got used to them and now are resisting the slimmer leg line. Now if they’re made of the same hideous knit fabric that the ones I had back then were I won’t be buying any but who knows how they might be interpretted in modern fabrics.

    I’m certainly not rushing out to buy a pair, but I’m not completely banning them from my closet either.

  3. daisyj. May 30, 2008 at 8:13 pm #

    When I was in sixth grade I had a pair of pegged, acid washed stretch jeans with little bows over the ankle zippers. If I ever see these in a store again, I am going to have to go on a killing spree.

  4. teapunk May 31, 2008 at 5:15 am #

    Stirrup pants are probably the only things you can wear on your legs worse than leggings – and leggings are really the epitome of “Don’t wear it”. Leggings don’t look good on anyone – not on the thin girl and not on the big girl.
    Neither do stirrup pants.

  5. Never teh Bride May 31, 2008 at 12:19 pm #

    I blame Vera Wang and her stupid uniform.

  6. Poochie June 2, 2008 at 12:23 am #

    Egads! The stirrup pants in black and the pink sweatshirt with puffy black graphitti! Please lord NO! I have the picture to prove I wore. I’m very very sad about it too.

    I repented then. Don’t send me back to that dark and evil place.

    Luv
    Poochie

  7. Sashibala June 2, 2008 at 8:30 am #

    I hang my head in ignorant shame as I admit that when I graduated from college in 1996 and entered the working world, my black stirrup pants were a staple in my wardrobe. But now I am a bit older and a bit wiser and have seen the errors of my ways.

    I also saw a photograph of me walking around on two elongated triangles as the stirrup pants went from my larger-than-life thighs to my feet. Not a pretty site!

  8. Rayne of Terror June 2, 2008 at 2:48 pm #

    I loved puffy paint so so much. I still have a jean jacket with puffy paint art in my closet at my parent’s house.

  9. Jezebella June 2, 2008 at 4:29 pm #

    Whatever y’all do, do not step foot in Forever 21. I got a horrified midday phone call from my best friend, who I met in 7th grade in 1978. She said, “Remember those terry-cloth shorts-onesies, with the halter top?” I said, “Heaven help me, I do.” And she said, “They’re selling them in Forever 21. Next to shirts with the collars cut out so that they hang off one shoulder. And ruffly miniskirts.”

    I’ve decided that their designers must be 40-year-olds (like us) who, instead of being creative, just sent their junior-high textbooks to China with directions to “make clothes like these.”

    Stirrup pants are only the beginning, people.

  10. Leah June 4, 2008 at 12:33 pm #

    While I feel your pain, why deny the current group of youngsters an important opportunity we ALL had, regardless of our age? The ability to look like a COMPLETE DOOF when we were young. Now we all have something in common that we can gripe about! It’s that commonality that helps us for healthy and snarky adult relationships. I’m sure when today’s 12-18 year olds are 25-50etc, they will be saying “I can’t believe they’re selling those LohanLeggins! My god, is that girl wearing 5″ hidden platform stillettos?!?! HAIR EXTENTIONS? Does she think it’s aught-eight?”

  11. Christy June 5, 2008 at 8:14 pm #

    I just hope they don’t bring back the tshirts made out of that fabric that changed color with the temperature. SUCH a bad idea.

  12. La BellaDonna June 12, 2008 at 12:08 pm #

    I will speak up here for the Unloved. To what do I refer? Why, the Butt Bow, of course! You didn’t seriously think I’d say “stirrup pants” did you? I wore them at age 11, and have not yet recovered from the scars to my psyche.

    However, I happen to be very partial to bows. Even big ones. Eighteenth century, I’m blaming you to start! (Bustles and Neoclassical Revival are hot second and third.) I don’t even mind my butt, so I don’t mind a big bow parked on it. What I AM particular about is cut and proportion, and a large bow needs a reason, and a proportion, to be parked wherever it happens to be parked. But in and of itself, I don’t have a problem with that particular design feature, nor with wearing it. It often appears in conjunction with a design made popular (and snarked now by association) in the 1980s: fitted below-the-waist bodice, V neck, poufy sleeves, full gathered skirt.

    The sad thing, of course, is that many of those elements have the potential to be the most universally flattering design elements for a motley collection of ladies (with the possible exception of the shoulderpadded poufy sleeve). The V-neck? Good. The FITTED bodice (princess-line, fits the bosom, smooth over the narrow part of the waist and the upper hip) – is vital for hourglasses and pears, workable with rulers and Vs. The very full gathered skirt? Hides a multitude of shins. The butt bow? Back detail on a garment, when most of the party has its back to the gathering, is not a bad thing. Nor is attention focused on butts, actually. And there are many, many ladies who prefer Wearing Sleeves to Not Wearing Sleeves (although they would generally prefer something other than Shoulderpadded Poufy Sleeves, these days at least).

    The problem is that all these inherently GOOD things can go horrifyingly wrong, if they are executed poorly, made cheaply, or out of bizzarro fabric. I won’t specify the bizzarro fabric, but if it looks as if it was made with $2-a-yard satin, it’s not going to look as well as it might. Also, if the fitted elements DON’T fit, it’s just another ugly bag dress, and you might as well wear a Hefty lawn bag, which at least you could use later for bagging leaves. Proportion, fit, fabric – they’re all important.

  13. 料理教室 August 18, 2008 at 12:50 pm #

    これらのプログラムは私たちの顧客のニーズに応じて個人化できる利用可能なすべての組み合わせの中のいくつかだけの例を表します。 それらは宿泊設備がせいぜい評定するトスカーナとフィレンツェを訪問して、博物館とシエナとキャンティRegionと経験のローカルの伝統とトスカナの割烹、包含に数日を費やしたがっている人々と補足的な料理活動のために設計されています。

  14. Jennie August 18, 2008 at 2:05 pm #

    OK, any idea on what the last post says? Just curious.