I carried a watermelon? Oh how many of us can identify with poor Baby in Dirty Dancing when she meets bohunk heartthrob Johnny Castle and proudly announces that she “carried a watermelon.”
Let’s face it, for all our collective cool, Noel Cowardly bon mots sometimes –particularly when faced with a character who, you note, could probably be trained to mix you gin and tonics and probably not actively hate your mother– say Dumb Things. We have all, for lack of a better term, carried a watermelon.
My longest and most successful relationship began with me threatening to drown my former gentleman caller by the ankles, while just this week I had a double whammy of telling a gorgeous, possibly Nordic, stranger –after he told me I had the most striking grey eyes he had ever seen– that “They didn’t work.” He, English not being his first language, looked at me as if perhaps I was blind or just, more probably, psychologically disturbed, beat a steady path away from the crazy lady and I haven’t seen him since.
That was quickly followed by my walking up to an acquaintance –whose eyes are that startling husky blue that make you wonder if your skin is on inside out and if your babies would sunburn easily– and announcing for absolutely no reason and with no context whatsoever that, well, I can’t even say it was so embarrassing but it might have involved the words “goaty” and “hymnal.”
Francesca and Plumcake want to know:
Tell us about the time you “carried a watermelon.” Did it work out or did you crash and experience and epic, goaty, hymnal-laden burn?
jennifer grey was so darn adorable back then. adorably dorky in dirty dancing, adorably seething in ferris bueller.
i don’t believe i’ve ever carried a watermelon, but i’ve had a watermelon-carry work on me. back in the mid-90s (oh, i date myself) i was at a show at CBGBs and it was sweltering and fetid, as it so often was, and i was mopping my brow with a dainty hanky, as one does, and a cute boy said to me, “you sweat just like david dinkins!” (mr dinkins was then our mayor.) the cute boy looked stricken immediately. but it did lead to a conversation, and we did have a delightful fling that lasted off and on for maybe a year. and he was not ALWAYS that awkward, if you know what i mean. and i think you do.
Comment by marjorie — June 26, 2008 @ 3:13 pm
I do not do hugging well, in fact unless I gave birth to you, I don’t want to be hugged by you, close family marginally excepted from that rule. At church this past weekend, I had a lovely teenage girl spontaneously give me a hug. When I stiffened in shock, she said, “Oh I’m sorry, are you pregnant?” Um no…her mother goggled in horror and then the girl trying to backpedal said, “Well, you just seem so careful about your body, are you unwell?” Her mother dragged her away as quick as she could, knowing full well after a year of training, I ran my first marathon three weeks ago.
On my own behalf, I am such a sanguine personality, I often find myself wishing I had shut up three sentences before I did. Unfortunately there are so many instances of my loud overly frank comments, none stand out enough to be shared.
Comment by Bobbi — June 26, 2008 @ 3:33 pm
One of my friends went to college in rural Iowa and during one of their nights out at the bar, this guy came up to her and said, completely unironically, “Ufdah you’re pretty!” She said it was so charming she had to go home with him :)
Comment by Katie K. — June 26, 2008 @ 4:09 pm
I like to talk — a lot — and I also tend to kind of forget, in my enthusiasm, who I’m talking to, and that’s a combination that has led me to say any number of jaw-droppingly stupid and tactless things. Alas, the worst one I can think of isn’t at all funny, but I have said things to musicians and CEOs and bishops and people’s moms and, most dangerously, bosses, that, years later, still make me want to crawl under the bed to hide.
The one time I remember that somebody watermeloned me was when a woman asked me what I did for a living, and I said I was a secretary, as indeed I was at that time. To which she responded, “Oh. What did you want to be?”
That was probably somewhere close to 20 years ago, and I still can’t believe she actually said that. But I can’t believe a lot of the things that I’ve said either, so it probably evens out over a lifetime!
Comment by Bridey — June 26, 2008 @ 7:41 pm
Oh, the watermelon! I’ve been asked if I was pregnant when I wasn’t. I’ve been asked if red is my real haircolor and if I wear colored contacts. Yes to the first, no to the latter. And I do have that Bridget Jones flair for saying things either inappropriate or things coming out in a way I hadn’t intended. Over 10 years ago at Casino Night in college, I was talking about with a friend about someone we worked with who was a real jerk. Of course he was standing behind me and heard nothing my friend said and everything I said, so I did the only thing I could once he cleared his throat and I turned around. I said, “well, Jay, it’s true. Everyone thinks you’re a shallow, pompous, baffoon…” and he was speechless. I felt all the blood rush to my head and thought I was going to pass out. After he walked away and I turned around, my friend’s jaw was practically on the floor and her eyes were as big as saucers. It was all very liberating and utterly embarassing at the same time.
Comment by Kerry B. — June 26, 2008 @ 7:51 pm
*raises hand* I’m another one who is constantly blurting out inappropriate things.
My most recent cringe-worthy moment was at the chiropractor and he was explaining what he was going to adjust and was probably about to use terminology about the bone or muscle group when I practically yell out “My ass?”
The one that I still get teased about involved a male friend and I talking about dating and whatnot. Instead of merely rolling my eyes at the hoops some women expect their dates to jump through, I proceeded to opine on the absurdity of such a thing, that I would never act like that, and that “I’m easy.” He has yet to take me up on that.
Comment by KellyGirl — June 26, 2008 @ 9:11 pm
I once told a former unrequited love that my fiance thought he had been a jerk to me throughout the time I had pined for him…
When I was first getting to know the man who is now my fiance, he gallantly asked to walk me home and I stupidly refused him…
And I once was watermeloned as a teenager by a guy in my driver’s ed class who was adorable, but whose idea of an icebreaker was “What’s your definition of adultery?”
Comment by KES — June 27, 2008 @ 12:00 pm
I spent a couple of weeks at my parents’ house recently while in the middle of a move. They had a party with lots of friends and family, and I was self-consciously trying to make the best possible impression on everyone amid the stress of being displaced from my home, spouse and job, and basically having my whole life in transition.
One friend of my parents’, whom I knew but not very well, commented to me “You have your grandmother’s eyes!” Completely forgetting what sort of humor would be appropriate for the occasion, I immediately responded, “…in a jar.”
My grandmother was sitting right next to us, by the way.
Comment by B.S.A.G. — June 27, 2008 @ 1:54 pm
My “watermelon moment” comes from many years ago at my brother’s wedding. I was dancing with 1 of my brother’s friends (he was cute and actually came to find me to dance with me…squeeeee!!) and I was being my usual snarky self when he says “you’re salty!” I had no clue what he meant by that and my instant, out-loud response was “I’m sorry I’m sweaty.” If Every time I remember that, my stomach turns and I blush all over again. Good grief.
Comment by Lin — June 27, 2008 @ 7:35 pm
Delurk…
…I’ve had so many of these moments that I have thought if I ever blogged, I would want the blog to be called “I Carried A Watermelon.” No joke.
The most recent, and possibly the best: I had a “friend with benefits” who had this whirlwind romance and got engaged to some other girl like two weeks after he met her, which was about three weeks he and I had last seen each other. Shortly thereafter I bumped into him on the street and was trying to act normal, which is when the watermelons come out. He asked where I was headed and I told him I was coming back from the doctor and then blurted, “Don’t worry, I’m not pregnant.” Then I ran away! And the next time I saw him, I almost dived into a dumpster so he wouldn’t see me.
I also once had a huge crush on this guy in college who was out of my league, and one drunken evening a friend of mine pointed out that we were right near his apartment and I should go get him. I said, “Why would I want to go get ____? He’s such a conceited fuckhead!” and, who is ten feet away? The fuckhead himself. Worst part – he’s now my facebook friend and he doesn’t even remember it. I’ve wanted to crawl into a hole and die for TEN YEARS over that one!
Comment by AnotherKate — June 27, 2008 @ 9:45 pm
Long long time ago, waiting for a hearing to begin on Capitol Hill, in came Senator Edward Kennedy who extended his hand to me, a twenty-something political junkie, and said “Hello, I’m Edward Kennedy.”
My response? “Yes, you are.”
Comment by Tanya — June 27, 2008 @ 11:12 pm
I met my favorite singer last summer, and my friend had just been speaking with him. When I approached him, he said “Hey, Beth Ann!” and I just mumbled “You know my name?” and was too dazed by that fact to say anything else (like “Thanks for making amazing music” or “Let’s get married right away”). Awkward.
Comment by Beth Ann — June 28, 2008 @ 8:09 am
I’ve had watermelon moments my entire life. One that still makes me blush took place when I was about 9 years old, actually. As a child, I read a lot, and was fond of trying on new words, even if I wasn’t 100% positive of their meaning or whether or not they were socially appropriate.
Well, I was out to dinner with my parents and several of their friends. One of their friends, a rather particular lady, was complaining at some length about some company or organization that kept trying to talk her into some sort of scheme or another.
I responded, (proudly trying on my new word):
“Maybe they think you’re a schmuck.”
I’ll leave you to imagine the faces of all of the adults in the room.
Comment by La Petite Acadienne — June 29, 2008 @ 6:46 pm
After dating for just a week, my new beau and I were on the phone for hours. Saying goodnight at the end of our conversation I ended with “I love you, goodnight”. I was mortified! It’s my standard family and friend conversation closer. Twenty years later, we are celebrating our 15 year anniversary and laughing at my grande faux pas. I must have been feeling the future!
Comment by Peaches — June 30, 2008 @ 12:19 am
Just recently I met a friend’s boyfriend and while we were all talking, I noticed that he had very disproportionately small hands. And of course I blurted out, “Look how small your hands are!” which was completely stupid. I had to spend about 25 minutes backpedaling from that one. He was pretty offended.
Comment by boots — June 30, 2008 @ 12:48 am
*raises her hand as someone who says wildly inappropriate things
My sense of humor is dry and very dark. I’m smart and snarky. Miscommunication happens, inevitably with new people. It should be noted that my talent especially lies in the area of unintentional innuendo, with a specialization in dick jokes.
This weekend, within a half hour of meeting someone, I implied that he lacked the prowess for having sex in a hammock. No, he was not inviting me to partner with him in said endeavor when this very public observation took place.
Comment by Sara — June 30, 2008 @ 3:41 am
I’ve been dating this guy for about 2 months now and he lives like 50 miles away and at current gas prices, we see each other on the weekends and thats about it. When I first met him I guess I was carrying my watermelon, or dropping it actually at my best friends birthday party…we hung out all night, the beer was flowing and I finally just looked at him and said, “Well we’re already drunk! All we’ve gotta do is screw now!” Damn Jimmy Buffet! It seemed totally appropriate at the time (2 a.m.), I didn’t really think I would ever see him again and he totally got my number from my friends boyfriend and we’ve been goin out since…he loves to sing that song to me LOL!
Comment by jen — June 30, 2008 @ 1:00 pm
Oh my gosh! I had mine just a couple of weeks ago. I’d been talking with this man online for a while, and he decided we needed to get together before I left the country for 6 weeks. We had lunch, things went quite well. He’s the first man I’ve been nervous around in a long time, which kind of tells me something. He’s gorgeous and witty and can carry on a conversation quite well. In any case, things were going well, but he and I each had to get back to work. We walked out of the restaurant, said goodbye, but continued to talk. I put on the sunglasses I’d recently purchased (the perfect pair of gold-rimmed aviators).
He said “I see you’re going old school with the shades.”
I heard him perfectly clearly, but stammered “They’re not that old – I just got them on Saturday.”
*awkward*
I haven’t heard from or seen him since…but I’ve also been traipsing around Ireland since. But that was most certainly my biggest “I carried a watermelon” moment–at least that I can immediately remember.
Comment by Danielle — June 30, 2008 @ 2:49 pm
I was at work. A retail clothing shop. I saw a customer eying a lovey dark gray sweater dress and happened to have one that I needed to put away. So my plan was to swoop in next to her and describe some of the lovely features and benefits of said dress. Instead, I fell down the 4 stairs that joined the upper and lower area of the shop and skidded to a halt near her feet. It didn’t hurt my body, but I felt a lot less than smooth after that…
Comment by sam — June 30, 2008 @ 9:39 pm
i’m on an airplane last week, and the pilot announces over the intercom that, due to the storm over the airport, we’ll have to circle for twenty minutes, and if it’s not clear, we’ll go back to our airport of origin.
The man next to me looks nervous. I ask “Do you have to work tomorrow?”
“THAT is not what I’m worried about.”
So I crack a joke. “I’ve always wanted to try the yellow slides from the emergency exits!”
“Not Like This!!”
Misread my audiance, there. Poor guy.
Comment by katana — July 2, 2008 @ 9:43 pm