Manolo for the Big Girl

Marc, poodle, sugarlump, this:

This is Not Good.

This will end in heartache and bruises, and not in the worthwhile “hey at least I got a good job reference out of it” way. I’m not exactly sure what you’re trying to do here because I can promise you that ain’t nobody walking in these shoes. Remember those fantastic perspex heel jobbers from the same season?

The ones I bought because they were so fantastically NOT me that I just had to have them? Those don’t even stand up by themselves, they’re so poorly balanced.

I love a high-sloped heel as much as the next girl, but at some point the laws of physics do come into play and these and no amount of silver metallic leather is going to change that.

Pull it together Marc and give us some shoes we can actually wear, because honestly, if I wanted to spend time with something painful and expensive that can’t stand upright I’d stop avoiding my grandmother’s calls.

Francesca is in the Heathrow International Airport in London, drinking a $7.00 coffee at Starbucks and catching up on her email. As always, she thinks of the dear Manolo readers no matter how far or how long she roams. Here is a letter from “Francie,” which is, perhaps, short for Francesca???

With the humid, hot weather, I dread wearing shirts. I’m top heavy, apple shaped, about a 20 on top and a 16 on bottom. I’m 45 and just don’t feel comfortable in sleeveless tops anymore. What do I wear to survive the 95 degree days. Isn’t anyone else HOT?!

Thanks!

Francie

This is a very good question indeed, and yes, Francesca, too, is very hot.

Francesca assumes that you are looking for tops that are a little more dressy than t-shirts, perhaps something suitable for work, or you would not have needed to ask. Francesca also guesses that you do not work as a cog in a super-corporate environment, or you also, in that case, would not have needed to ask, and anyhow sleeveless would not even be an option.

Therefore, Francesca recommends the shaped, slightly and subtly adorned, cotton shirts for the summer, with the ¾ sleeves which is often flattering on the top-heavy Apples (of which Francesca is proud to be one!), and which provide a nice compromise between formality and modesty on one hand, and the brutal summer heat on the other. A second choice to cotton would be linen, which is cool but wrinkles oh-so-easily!

If you cannot find shaped cotton shirts (and in the case of the Apple, “shaped” means “with princess seaming or other structural details which create a waist”), then please, do not buy t-shirts that scream “I bought this at a rock concert” or “I got this for free at some college event eight years ago” or “this is left over from my summer job as a pool guard when I was 16.” Those are shirts for sleeping, or workouts.

No, no, please wear cotton shirts that say “I was bought in a store, chosen purposefully and carefully by my owner because I am flattering to her.” And then add a pretty beaded necklace in a complementary color and some killer earrings, and you are good to go.

Polo shirts can also work well, if one’s office is casual enough. Francesca is imagining a polo shirt in a bright summer color such as rasberry or turquoise, and a headband or comb in a matching color, with slightly-dangling sparkly earrings, and a simple gold or silver bracelet . . .

. . . paired, of course, with well-fitting dress pants or jeans, or a straight skirt. Because a loose shirt paired with loose pants or a flary skirt would create a baggy outfit, and we do not want that!

Here is a wonderful cotton blouse by Charter Club, available on sale at Macy’s up to size 20 W (though it appears a bit too big for the model; Francesca would recommend “taking it in” on the sides):

More cotton shirts to come as the summer progresses!

xoxo,

Francesca

HA Hahahahahaha ha ha ha ha.

No.

You all know how this works: I pick a picture that amuses me on some level, and you all commet with your best captions. Next week, I declare a winner and we all laud the comic stylings of talented big girls.

So here we go:

Ready…set…snark!

As I sit here with my brain melting slowly into my keyboard, all I can think of is wanting something cool to drink and something equally cool to wear. I’ll be getting the first of many glasses of iced tea in a moment. Then I may just head over to Woman Within and take advantage of their one-day sale.

Okay, so they haven’t made further discounts on anything that I can see, but they did send me a sale code which I’m going to share with all of you: today only, if you use the code WW23575 at checkout, you’ll get 50% off one item.

My choice would probably be this cool-as-a-cucumber all cotton big shirt.

It’s got pretty pintucks, 3/4 sleeves, and can be worn equally well loose for breezyness or belted for chic. It also comes in five different colors, so one is sure to flatter your coloring. The price is certainly right at any time ($24.99 list), but getting it half off is a deal I find difficult to resist.

Oh my fellow fools for foulards! I had no idea there were so many of you who want to wear scarves but either didn’t know how or don’t feel confident wearing them. I love scarves like a tranny loves duct tape and you, you are my people!

One of the brilly things about scarves is that you don’t need to drop serious bank to get a good one. Sure I’ve got my vintage YSL mousseline and my beloved Hermès that I refuse to wear when I might be around dirt or water or air or, um, people, but I love my five-dollar thrift store finds just as much (well, almost) as the $400 ones and just because the hems aren’t rolled between the thighs of Provençal maidens doesn’t mean it can’t look chic.

But how to wear them?

If, like me, you were not blessed with a gracile neck (or more appropriately were blessed with a gracile neck which you keep safely protected under a gentle cascade of chins) then the standard snug neck wrap isn’t going to be the most flattering look.

Try these three less-intimidating looks instead:

Headscarf. British Vogue just had an article on how this is coming back into style. Frankly for girls with heart-shaped faces it never went out. Fold a square scarf diagonally and then fold the wide end over several times until the triangle is an attractive size for your melon. Tie it wrong side down over your face like a bandit, then flip it up and adjust. I find this works best with thin silk scarves as they grip better than thick ones. If you have a problem keeping them in place either use a hat pin or, less excitingly, a bobby pin. Clip on a good pair of earrings and pay attention to your eye makeup. Of course if you’re really daring, tie the ends around your neck Grace Kelly-style. Personally, I find it a bit costumey unless you’re actually driving a classic convertible.

Gypsy Belt. Fold on the diagonal and tie the small ends around your waist, centering the broad point over your hip. This is particularly good for pears and I love it beyond reason because a) I’m excited when anything can go around my waist. b) it’s a chic, flattering and unexpected way to dress up an otherwise boring dress. Tie it a little higher and tighter than you’d want to naturally, it’ll stretch throughout the day.

Ascot. I like this because it’s traditional but not quite as contrived-looking as some of the other neck styles, plus you can wear it a bit lower, which doesn’t make those of us who are fat of face look like we’re being garotted. Take the diagonal opposite scarf points and fold them towards each other, overlapping and folding back until you have a long rectangle about 5″ wide with pointed ends loosely tie around your neck, bringing one end over the other and spreading so it looks like, well, an ascot. Oh here, just look at the picture. For more fun with scarves, click here and go to playtime with your scarf to download the two-part Hermès .pdf. Happy weekend everybody, tie one on for me!

I’m turning 29 next month. Twenty-nine is practically thirty and means I am just that much closer to finally Living The Dream. The Dream being, of course, to actually be able to carry off the jeweled turban. I even bought one, a 1958 Dior jobber in aqua silk satin. I try it on every few months and each time I put it back in its box, muttering “not yet.”

It was once said that to wear Dior you had to have a waist, but to wear Balenciaga you had to have a personality. Some clothes and accessories (an Hermès scarf, an Aquascutum bag) just demand the inner swagger of life experience that sweet young things –bless their hearts– simply don’t have.

Francesca and Plumcake want to know:

If you’re a woman of a certain age, what can you wear now that you couldn’t wear before? For our younger gals, is there anything –like my jeweled turban– that you love but just feel you’re too young to wear? Let us know AND if you’ve had the joy of finally aging into something, tell us about that, too!

So yesterday I wrote a post about the Prada pre-fall, and it mysteriously disappeared! I’m not blaming anyone, but I have it on good authority that a certain notoriously jealous and high-collared whackadoo whose name may or may not rhyme with Snarl Globberfeld got so mad when he found out La Miuccia got to outfit the actual PRINCE OF DARKNESS he bit his pet marmoset and had to take to his bed for a week.

The post went a little something like this “blah blah blah concept of pre-fall blah blah blah fry a chicken on a sidewalk blah blah Miuccia Prada is a goddess” and then something about Neiman Marcus and probably a self-deprecating bit about my inability to maintain healthy human relationships because I’m a fundamentally empty person with $20,000 worth of shoes that hurt my feet and a gaping void in my soul.

or, um, you know, something.

Anyhoodle, what I wanted you to do was check out these little delicately ruffled two-piece from Prada’s pre-fall collection. They’re available now and gives just that little something extra to a pair of basic black sandals.

I love the sandals and you’d probably get a ton of wear out of them but personally I’m holding out for La Maestra’s real Fall/Winter goodness.

These over-the-top darlings have been in my stylebook since February and I know the moment I saw them that they –especially the ones with the big sculptural ruffles– are going to be all over the darn place in just a few months.

Because I don’t wear a 39.5.

Miu Miu bi-color satin pumps under $200 smackeroonies, at net-a-porter.

Oh, and SPEAKING of Prada remember how yesterday I showed you those wacky ruffle shoes that I’ve loved since February and said were going to be all over the place? Check out this month’s Harper’s and remember who told you first.

For the most part, I’m pretty live and let live about fashion statements. I firmly believe that there is a body out there that is flattered by nearly every possible cut and definitely every single color, even if there are things I know darn well not to try on myself. Pink? Not for me. It makes me look jaundiced. On many others, however, it’s superfantastic. Empire waists? Not for everybody, but one that is cut just right makes me look like my poor little A+ cups are actually holding something up. I am one of the few women I’ve ever met who looks really good in lime green. I know that just because something doesn’t work on me doesn’t mean it won’t work on anybody at all.

Every once in a while, though, I run across something so heinous that my mind boggles and even I run out of words to describe the horror. This morning, before I’d even finished caffeinating myself into full consciousness, I found such an item.

Oh, Zaftique. Why? What possessed you? How quickly can we cast it out?

Which imp of perversity caused someone to design this fabric? I know splashy patterns are all the rage, but there are splashy patterns and splashy patterns, and this one nearly caused a splash right here at my computer desk. It does not help one iota to realize that this nightmare of a pattern graces 100% polyester…except in that I know no natural fibers were harmed in the making of this monstrosity.

But then not only did someone choose to actually manufacture this fabric in these lurid colors, someone chose to make it into a top whose cut is based quite clearly on a potato sack. There is no grace to this cut, no elegance, no particular thought that I can see.

But it gets worse. If this cost ten dollars, I might see a reason for it to exist. After all, there’s no point in wearing something too superfantastic to do the heavy housecleaning in. But no. This is $49.00…$54.00 if you wear Zaftique’s 4z - 6z.

Dear Zaftique. I know you are capable of making some very pretty clothes. You’ve made pieces I’ve lusted after in my heart. And then you do this. Why, oh why?

Look, you made this pretty wrap top, too:

You even made it in lots of pretty, versatile colors to suit a wide variety of skin tones and tastes. It even costs less than the potato sack demon smock and includes some cotton for breathability. You can do good things. I have faith in your ability to pull yourselves together and not make me break out in brainhives again.

Please try harder.

Thanks.