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Oh My Grapes and Cheeses. Honey, NO! | Manolo for the Big Girl

Oh My Grapes and Cheeses. Honey, NO!

Dear Woman Whose Entire Rear End Is Plainly Visible Through The Giant Gaping Rip In Your Jeans But Mysteriously Did Not Want To Borrow My Gorgeous Triomphe Du Paladin Scarf To Wrap Around Your Waist Even Though We Both Know That’s The Closest You’ll Ever Get To Hermès, 

Sugarlump, if you are reading this –and I hope you are– I think it’s time for Auntie Plumcake to lay a little church on you in re: your particularly tragic pantular situation.I can see your bum. Your nooks, your crannies, the fabrication, weight and pattern (black with pink polkadots? Really? Is it still 2004 where you live?) of your bikini briefs.  I can see where they start and where they stop, not as some sort of panty line, but the actual panty itself AND the little red indentation of the lace because they are just a bit too snug.

This? This is too much information.

Do me a favor, look at yourself in the mirror. Are you a Scottish firefighter? Lou Reed in 1972? A member of the U.S. Men’s Olympic Swim Team with a penchant towards nymphomania? No, you are not. You are at my place of business assaulting me (as it were) with your pasty globes of muchness.

Here is a hint. When a woman comes up to you, informs you that you have a hole the size of a sheltie in your jeans, and WITH NO REGARD FOR HERSELF offers you her IRREPLACEABLE FRENCH SCARF so that you might be spared from shame, the proper response is NOT  “Oh I couldn’t find anything else to wear today. Besides, no one is really looking.”

No one is really looking? No one is really looking?! I CAN SEE YOUR CASH AND PRIZES! THAT MEANS IT IS TIME FOR NEW PANTS.

Sincerely yours,

The Very Distraught Plumcake

19 Responses to “Oh My Grapes and Cheeses. Honey, NO!”

  1. Kimberly July 29, 2008 at 6:40 pm #

    “Cash and prizes”?!? Bwah hah haa! That’s awesome! I think you could use it for a guy who forgot to zip his fly, too.

    And you? Willing to give up your scarf just to save a stranger from embarASSment? A very big heart, you have.

  2. Brooke July 29, 2008 at 8:36 pm #

    Plumcake, if you ever decide you’d like a handmaiden – or, perhaps more appropriately, handmatron – do let me know because I would be delighted to serve you all my days.

  3. Tiff July 29, 2008 at 8:44 pm #

    Yeah, “cash and prizes” is a euphemism that will surely find its way into my lexicon.

  4. Toby Wollin July 29, 2008 at 10:19 pm #

    Plumcake…to offer such beauty to someone who obviously …doesn’t care takes a whole lot of sainthood credits. To show off the scenery from Yonkers to Kalamazoo is NOT something devoutly to be wished.

  5. Jennie July 30, 2008 at 12:26 am #

    Plumcake, you are truly magnanimous and beneficent. All I can say is “Pearls before swine” “Silk purse out off sows ear” etc… Even with you as a fairy godmother you can’t make a pig into a princess… Sigh!

  6. weeds July 30, 2008 at 10:32 am #

    I will never understand the “no one is really looking” attitude. Unless she works in a home for the blind someone is always looking. Damn.

  7. Phyllis July 30, 2008 at 10:36 am #

    Situations like these are why Stacie and Clinton should be available on speed dial.

  8. Twistie July 30, 2008 at 10:54 am #

    Ye gods and little purple fishies!

    Someone is ALWAYS looking…particularly when the inappropriate view is on such thorough display.

    I need my smelling salts and a good lie down on the chaise longue now.

  9. teteatete July 30, 2008 at 1:40 pm #

    Oh, Twistie! Bless you for saying “chaise longue” instead of “chaise lounge.”

  10. RZS July 30, 2008 at 2:17 pm #

    One of the reasons I so enjoy reading this blog: the unabashed love of language. Although I have a fairly large vocabulary, I am constantly learning new words, phrases, and references from Plumcake, Francesca, and Twistie. I just love that.

  11. Style Spy July 30, 2008 at 3:53 pm #

    Dear lord. I can’t… I don’t… it isn’t… I can’t…

    (At which point redhead falls into a graceful swoon during the entirety of which her terra incognita remains completely covered by her carefully arranged clothing.)

  12. La Petite Acadienne July 30, 2008 at 7:09 pm #

    In retrospect, it’s good that she turned down your scarf. For an object of beauty like that to wind up in the hands of somebody with no apparent clue would have been a tragedy. She would have probably used it to wipe up spills, bless her uncovered arse.

  13. dcsurfergirl July 30, 2008 at 8:09 pm #

    Maybe Ms. Cash and Prizes was concerned about returning your scarf. Go have a nip and a lie-down, Plumcake.

    There was that formal event when I showed too much cleavage. I was so happy that the dress fit that I wasn’t thinking clearly. I just smiled, behaved like a proper lady and danced with a fair amount of significantly taller men.

  14. dcsurfergirl July 30, 2008 at 8:12 pm #

    Maybe Ms. Cash and Prizes was concerned about returning your scarf. Go have a nip and a lie-down, Plumcake.

    There was that formal event when I showed too much cleavage. I was so happy that the dress (otherwise) fit that I wasn’t thinking clearly. I just smiled, behaved like a proper lady and danced with a fair amount of significantly taller men.

  15. sunflo August 1, 2008 at 9:42 pm #

    @ teteatete – how random that was the first thing I noticed about Twistie’s comment as well… one of my pet peeves is the whole ‘chaise lounge’ debacle. Just because you can LOUNGE on it doesn’t mean it is spelt with a -lounge!!!!

  16. e August 3, 2008 at 2:46 am #

    Actually, in most dictionaries, both spellings are acceptable. Granted that this is probably because so many people used “lounge” without realizing they were in error that the dictionary people threw up their hands in dismay, as has happened (or so I hear) with “irregardless.”

    “Chaise lounge” is one thing. But “irregardless” is just plain HEATHEN.

  17. Jennie August 3, 2008 at 11:48 pm #

    @e Is that anything like “supposably”? I think I broke 2 teeth while clamping my jaw shut as a nationally known speaker repeatedly used supposably (I even have a difficult time typing it!) instead of supposedly.

  18. La BellaDonna August 4, 2008 at 11:26 am #

    Oh, Plumcake! What kindness and unselfishness unrecognized you showed in your offer to Ms. Cash and Prizes. How sad, though, if she has truly reached the point where it is her expectation that “no one is looking.”