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I’m Not With THIS Band | Manolo for the Big Girl

I’m Not With THIS Band

Why is there so much bad taste in the world? More importantly, why does it all seem to parade past me on cheap all-synthetic heels? The delightful Style Spy and I were out at Chez Nous –a lovely little jewel of a French bistro– the other night to celebrate her anniversaire. She was in Fendi and Miu Miu. I was in a bespoke black dress with the glammiest vintage Balenciaga chandelier earrings in the world (or at least my jewelry box which to my mind is more or less the same thing) and the peep-toed version of these, which are on sale at Zappos for infuriatingly less than I paid for them a few months ago:

Zanotti lacquered wood heel

(srsly, you will love these; they’re easy to walk in and the heel is the most beautiful burnished lacquered wood, your feets will smile.)

After our dinner we walked to a theoretically posh hotel bar for a little after-dinner cocktail action.

Oh honey, there was so much heartache happening in this bar. It was one giant festival of No. You know how in Unzipped, Polly Mellon warns Isaac Mizrahi that “too short looks long”? Yeah, well sometimes too short looks too short.

I blame the banded/bubbled mini dress.

How? How do people think this is a good idea?! Because it’s really, really not. Remember that unfortunate gold lamé toreador outfit I had with the bugle-beaded capris? It’s THAT LEVEL OF BAD IDEA.

NONo.No No
Because even though what you SEE are two relatively-cute, relatively plus-sized models, what you will BECOME the second you put one of these horrific bastards on your delicate person is THIS:

that’s right, a pumpkin costume.

and I don’t give one hot-buttered hoot what Ministry says; not every day is Halloween.

16 Responses to “I’m Not With THIS Band”

  1. Mimi Stratton August 18, 2008 at 6:23 pm #

    How can you not look like you have huge hips in this style?

  2. Nicole August 18, 2008 at 10:44 pm #

    Genius, Plumcake. My thoughts exactly.

  3. Carol August 19, 2008 at 6:53 am #

    I’ve always thought this was a terrible style every time it’s come around. I haven’t seen it look good on anyone, whatever their size.

  4. Annalucia August 19, 2008 at 9:57 am #

    The fuchsia dress – how does one keep that strange hemline in place? It appears as though any movement (such as walking, or sitting down) would cause it to ride up and expose the Parts Which One Does Not Display To the Public.

  5. Style Spy August 19, 2008 at 10:30 am #

    Style Spy must nod in sad agreement. And may I point out that all three of the dresses pictured above are considerably longer than much of what we saw Saturday (which is what happens when you buy $10 dresses at cheap mall stores that cater to 17-year olds). I happen to like a gentle bubble hem if the dress is of proper length, but these hoochie-koochie numbers have got to go. Not even the glorious spectacle of Michael Phelps and his equally-buff and scantily-clad teammates winning their gold medals made up for the tragic scenery that surrounded us. When I run the world, the words “Dress Code” are going to MEAN something.

  6. Style Spy August 19, 2008 at 10:33 am #

    PS… Those Zanottis are fabulous. Your feet looked almost as edible as my creme brulée.

  7. J. P. Vonderhaar August 19, 2008 at 11:11 am #

    It’s weird. Last year and the year before, almost everything I bought from Torrid.com was on the model wearing the gray and pink dresses. This year, I don’t think I’ve liked a single thing they’ve put her in.

    Anyway… I like a little bubble hem, like on the black dress above. It doesn’t look good on everyone, but I don’t have the seething hatred of the bubble hem that I have of the banded hem. It’s bad enough on tops, but it’s just inexcusable on skirts. It makes even the skinniest girls look like her butt and hips are huge. If you’re a girl whose hips and butt are already huge, you look like you’re wearing a diaper. Seriously.

  8. Veronica August 19, 2008 at 11:18 am #

    Oh, I love Chez Nous. I had the greatest steak ever there. Also, god yes, not only are those dresses hideous, wouldn’t they be absurdly hard to walk in wince you are essentially putting a waistband around your lower thighs?

  9. Bree August 19, 2008 at 11:41 am #

    That purple dress looks like the designer said “Aw, to hell with it!” and attached a crooked balloon valance curtain to the bottom.

    Fashion design…you’re doing it wrong!

  10. Catherine August 19, 2008 at 11:50 am #

    Sad thing is, I’ve found some very cute things at Torrid… consistency is hard to find, I guess!

  11. Violet August 19, 2008 at 11:58 am #

    “I happen to like a gentle bubble hem if the dress is of proper length”

    I agree with StyleSpy here. Without the evil band at the bottom it’s just a fun variation on the knee-length full skirt: a perfectly good style, fine with hips, even. (If you do it just right, you can ascribe the exaggerated curvature of your silhouette at hip level entirely to the skirt style and look innocent.* It’s an example of playing up rather than minimizing your salient figure characteristic of choice.)

    Those super-short ones with the tight banding at the hem that Plumcake so rightly bemoans are severely tragic, however. The black example is least bad, because it doesn’t have that god-awful band, but it’s really screaming for another three inches.

    *I was going to write “like butter wouldn’t melt in your mouth” but decided that might be oversell.

  12. Twistie August 19, 2008 at 1:23 pm #

    I’ve never met a bubble hem I’ve liked…but that fuschia one is beyond heinous. Are all the ‘freelance designers’ competing on Project Runway this season (STOP BREAKING MY TIM GUNN, YOU TALENTLESS DOUCHEBAGS!) already secretly working in the industry? Because several of them would absolutely be capable of that dress.

    Those wooden heels are lucious.

  13. Kimiks August 19, 2008 at 9:59 pm #

    I must admit, I once wore a bubble hem. It was 1988. The dress was tea length, had bubble sleeves, was a delightful shade of Emerald Green that set of my eyes, and was cut low enough in the bust that I felt sexy, but high enough that my mother let me out of the house. It was the perfect dress for me to wear to my then boyfriends Senior prom.

    Let me point out some key facts that made the bubble hem OK-
    1: It was 1988
    2: I was 15 years old
    3: It was 1988
    4: I was a sophmore, in High School. I know- score going to a senior prom my sophmore year
    5: It was 1988
    6: I was about 50 pounds lighter than I am now
    7: It was 1988

    I rest my case.

  14. Mari August 20, 2008 at 9:42 am #

    These plus-size models are about the same size that I was in high school, a size 18.
    They may even be smaller. I’m glad that are there ARE plus-size models but I wish they would show women that are my size, a size 24 and not just on The Biggest Loser and Celebrity Fit Club.

  15. Plumcake August 20, 2008 at 3:45 pm #

    I’d like to be clear that I don’t object to bubble hems in general, but they –like enemies with political influence– must be executed carefully.

  16. Serena September 3, 2008 at 3:33 pm #

    Hey! I own that grey dress and I look damn good in it thank you very much! http://a644.ac-images.myspacecdn.com/images01/52/l_9931c9bc94376a769c0518038574cca3.jpg

    Case closed!