It’s Monday and even though it’s not raining, it feels like it should be. I spent yesterday nobly stopping myself from stabbing in the face each and every of the multitude of mouth breathers who said “hey! Whaddya think of this cool weather?”
It’s not cool.
It’s 90 degrees and I think I want to drown you in an 80 gallon drum of red-eye gravy.
Granted, 90 degrees is cooler than 100 degrees, but it is not actually cool. It will never be cool again, and I’m just going to have to line my spare bedroom with tarp and pour 50 kilos of baby powder on the floor so I can roll around in it like pig, resigned to a life of thigh chafing and make-up melting misery.
Bah. What we need is a good old-fashioned Battle of the Monday Moon Boots. Granted, these aren’t technically moon boots, but they’re big and ugly and they’re guaranteed to make your feet smell like that guy at the falafel cart whose shirt sticks out a good inch and a half off his body, nestled on a thick pillow of back hair.
First I give you Guiseppe Zanotti’s offering. G.Zot makes some of the world’s most spectacularly bad and expensive footwear. These are pretty darn great. You’ve got your 1970’s Gucci belt up top, your grandma’s Haband e-z comfort winter slippers at the bottom and in between it is nothing but sweet, sweet virgin yeti.
BUT are they better than these uggos by Taryn Rose, who also makes almost profoundly fug footwear?
Friends, we aren’t just looking at ugly and expensive almost-moon boots. We’re looking at ugly and expensive RABBIT FUR moon boots. That’s right, rabbit fur. When I was in 4th grade Alana Eidelmann had this GIANT rabbit fur bomber jacket and I just thought it was the most fabulous thing EVER and I complained and complained about how UNFAIR it was that I didn’t have one until my grandmother took time out of her busy schedule of chain smoking to tell me that little girls who wore rabbit fur grew up with round heels. I thought that meant she got rollerskates, too.
You’ll be gratified to know that both of these monstrosities retailed for WELL over a thousand dollars each, but you can get them on significant sale at Zappos.com. Imagine that.
mmmm… red-eye gravy. I’ll trade one of our upcoming 80 degree, sunny low-humidity days in NYC, for a bowl of red-eye gravy and buttermilk drop biscuits.
Comment by luckycharmer — August 25, 2008 @ 2:58 pm
Now all Ah need is a coon skin cap and Ah can defend the Alamo!
Born on a mountain top in Tennessee
The greenest state in the land of the free
Raised in the woods so’s he knew ev’ry tree
Kilt him a b’ar when he was only three
Davy, Davy Crockett, king of the wild frontier
Comment by Jennie — August 25, 2008 @ 5:15 pm
The GZ’s are worse, hands down, because of how hard they made me laugh. They remind me of an Afghan (the dog), one of the only creatures that was clearly not made by God because of its utter ridiculousness.
Also, I think that the boots would best be worn with a gold bikini and a big fur hat. A la Bond Girl.
And, if I had a spare room to tarp I would fill it with whipping cream. Maybe it’s just me.
Comment by thepinkeminence — August 25, 2008 @ 6:07 pm
While both hideous, I’d pick the boots by Taryn Rose, if only because the round heels sound like much more fun!
Comment by Catherine — August 25, 2008 @ 7:03 pm
I think that the Taryn Rose boots are worse; at least GZ committed wholeheartedly to the absurdity that are fur moonboots. To successfully wear absurd clothing or shoes requires one attribute above all: commitment. If you’re going to do yeti-feet, then by ghod do yeti-feet, don’t do a timid approach to yeti-feet.
Taryn’s look like she really was trying to make a nice pair of winter boots (and didn’t realize how odd they came out.) GZ’s are just over-the-top, don’t-even-pretend-you’re-wearing-these-seriously bizarre. The GZ’s make me laugh; the Taryn’s make me cringe.
Comment by rabrab — August 25, 2008 @ 8:44 pm
rabrab does make an excellent point.
While the GZ boots feature built-in tourniquets for the moment when you realize the only answer for your feet is a form of sole sacrifice, at least they are whole-heartedly committed to the awfulness.
The Taryn Rose ones are blandly horrible in a way that offends me far more than the ‘look at me; I’m godawful, dammit’ vibe of the GZ ones.
Comment by Twistie — August 26, 2008 @ 1:12 am
If boots like these did not exist, what would tycoon’s second-best mistresses wear in Gstaad? thepinkeminence and I are in perfect agreement, except that she thinks it’s a bad thing and I? I pity the poor second-string girls, with their Ken Paves extensions and their willingness to please.
Sorry, been reading too many old Vanity Fairs.
Comment by raincoaster — August 26, 2008 @ 7:29 am
They would be perfect…if I was planning to become The Yeti.
Comment by Bree — August 26, 2008 @ 8:50 am
Also, Taryn’s boots look like she just attached some carpet from a cat scratching post to a pair of Uggs and added matching pom-poms from AC Moore. Not very inspriring.
Comment by Bree — August 26, 2008 @ 9:10 am
Well, not only did I get to see two of the ugliest pair of boots on the planet, I learned a new phrase ( “Round heels” ).
Never a dull moment on this blog!
Comment by susanC — August 26, 2008 @ 4:48 pm
Girl, your grandmother was RIGHT (and the retro phrase “round heels” is so funny). I never thought about it before, but I knew several girls of varying types and sizes in middle school who wore the rabbit fur coats, and I’m pretty sure they all did end up pregnant by 10th grade. Does the rabbity urge for sex overcome anyone who wears their fur? I figure it serves ’em right!
Comment by Kimberly — August 26, 2008 @ 7:38 pm