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The Big Question: That’s it! I Quit! Edition | Manolo for the Big Girl

The Big Question: That’s it! I Quit! Edition

There’s a new sheriff in tubby town. Ladies of the Manolosphere, I give you Eve Bridge.

How to dress – Advice for plump women

You are not recommended to wear tight clothes not to stress your figure. A tight skirt will show your hips and they will look wider. If you wear a tight sweater your large breasts will look massive.

However you’d better not wear too wide clothes. Fluffy skirts with some tiers, pans and jeans in the line of your waist are not for you.

You should choose half tight, straight clothes. You can seem thinner wearing long scarves, something with side seams and loose-lying belts.

Shoes with high heels can make you visually unstable so you’d better wear middle heels.

Height is very important. Tall women cannot wear those things that can small women.

What length to chose? Too long clothes enlarge your figure. Short clothes make you look smaller and wider. The most suitable length is a little bit below knees. You shouldn’t bare fat knees even if it’s fashionable.

If your size is bigger than 20, XXL, you’d better chose checkerboard or striped cloth with small tonal ornament. Slanting stripes or checks make your figure smaller. Large stripes are not for fat women.

Black color is not always suitable for fat women especially sparkling. White color should be used for blouses which are hidden under jacket or waistcoat and for collar. The following colors are perfect for fat women: peachy, beige, yellow, yellow-brown. You’d better avoid contrast. Pay attention to cloth of light, soft, silver, reserved but expressive colors. Your clothes color shouldn’t make dull and monotonous expression. Smooth color change will help you create expressive image of fat but elegant woman.

Man, even taking into account the probable translation woes, is there a bus short enough for this whackjob?

Today Plumcake wants to know:

What part of the above article did you find MOST hilariously offensive? 

49 Responses to “The Big Question: That’s it! I Quit! Edition”

  1. Georgia November 19, 2008 at 12:08 pm #

    And lovely advice for the thin women:
    “Lots of thin women want to seem fatter. Though tall thin women are considered to be models. In contrast to the women mentioned above they aren’t confused about their height. They don’t stoop, don’t refuse high heels to look smaller. They can move perfectly. So, thin women would better learn it.

    Thin women would better wear voluminous silhouette of clothes. Accented waist will make your figure graceful. Black and white colors will stress your silhouette. Chose warm colors as well they visually enlarge your figure.”

  2. emmme November 19, 2008 at 12:16 pm #

    It’s a toss-up between

    “The following colors are perfect for fat women: peachy, beige, yellow, yellow-brown. You’d better avoid contrast.” Cause god knows all that unsightly fat in a red dress would give babies heart attacks and old men strokes. Oh yeah, and fat women all the same color too.

    and

    “You shouldn’t bare fat knees, even if it’s fashionable.” Yes! Yes!!! In dressing rooms across America, women are always asking if this skirt makes their KNEES look fat. Will someone give this child some fingerpaints and send her back to her happy times?

  3. rabrab November 19, 2008 at 12:17 pm #

    I think for me it was the advice that since I am over a size 20, I should consider checkerboard cloth (with a small tonal ornament, of course.) The only checks that look good on me are the ones on my flannel lumberjack shirt — and that’s not a checkerboard, it’s a buffalo plaid.

  4. ChloeMireille November 19, 2008 at 12:21 pm #

    “The following colors are perfect for fat women: peachy, beige, yellow, yellow-brown.”

    Ugh. I’m positively ill. I don’t own anything in that color palette. Those are all basically fleshtones.

    The whole thing is just nausea-inducing.

  5. Linda November 19, 2008 at 12:33 pm #

    Dude, what am I supposed to wear now? I love the color advice. And the fat knees. Never ever have not worn something cause of my fat knees! Wow, thanks for making me laugh!

  6. Sarah November 19, 2008 at 12:43 pm #

    What an idiot! How can this person say “The following colors are perfect for fat women: peachy, beige, yellow, yellow-brown.” and then go on to say “Your clothes color shouldn’t make dull and monotonous expression.”?

    Oh, and heaven forbid we make our breasts look massive. Slutty slut slut sluts.

  7. Kerry November 19, 2008 at 1:21 pm #

    Who died and made this woman the authority on plus-sized fashion?
    I can’t wait to walk into a store and head for the picnic-table cloth dress section! Hope they come in yellow-brown — seriously, is Eve impaired in some way?

  8. Chaser November 19, 2008 at 1:37 pm #

    I’m pretty sure this woman is my mother.

    The advice on the colors is interesting, if obviously pulled straight out of a butt, either hers or somebody else’s. To me it reads: “Best start down the road to invisibility as soon as you can by going with a neutral color scheme because if people actually see you, they will notice you are fat. Stick to the wall, flower, where you belong.”

    Even were I a thin person (which I am not), I don’t think I’d take advice from this person. I read a little more than the “If you simply must be fat, try to look invisible” post you directed us to, and the truth is…she’s the anti-Manolo. Manolo put the fun in “the shoes.” Fashion and beauty SHOULD be fun, no matter who you are, even if you are serious about design and expressing yourself with your appearance. This is all just rote, humorless prescription. It might as well be called “how to present yourself for social acceptance”–and that’s boring from the get-go, let alone the preachy blog-voice.

  9. Twistie November 19, 2008 at 1:55 pm #

    Can I vote all of the above?

    Seriously. You can’t wear tight clothes, but you can’t wear loose ones, either. All fat women look their best (most invisible, which is the best we can hope for) in dull flesh tones. Too huge to exist? Wear checks! ZOMG! We won’t understand how you can walk in high heels because it mimics the aerodynamic unliklyhood of a bumblebee in flight! Help us understand how you can walk by wearing the heel height we can comprehend in our feeble excuses for minds! Cover up your fat knees, you fat-kneed fatso!

    I don’t think I stopped giggling after the first sentence. I expect to continue to break into random fits of merriment all day long over this.

    What’s more, my fat knees will be laughing, too.

  10. Wendy November 19, 2008 at 1:58 pm #

    This article should be called “For Fat Women: How to Dressing not to Offending People Who Think They Know Better Than You”

    I think my favourite part is “The following colors are perfect for fat women: peachy, beige, yellow, yellow-brown”, which basically advising dressing in your favourite shade of baby shit.

    I have been crossing the Eve Bridge every day of my life, apparently: I wear plenty of black, and tons of vibrant colour for contrast. I look like hell in baby shit yellow, but I am SHAZAM in any shade of pink, and nothing Eve says is going to make me change that, thank you very much.

  11. Mo November 19, 2008 at 1:58 pm #

    Wow. “visually unstable” is my favorite. I’ve been called a lot of things, but I don’t think unstable was one of them in reference to how I dress. (my attitude, maybe, LOL) This Eve is a nutjob.

  12. Genevieve November 19, 2008 at 3:16 pm #

    I looked at the “advice for tall women,” and um . . . wow. “You’d better wear complete clothes.”

    Darnit! THAT’S what I’ve been doing wrong all this time! My clothes have been incomplete! What a whackjob.

  13. Nariya November 19, 2008 at 3:22 pm #

    Hahahahahahahahahaha!

    Attention, all women over 20XXL: Please throw away all clothing that is not checkerboard cloth with small tonal ornament! Small tonal ornament, I tell you!

    I also like the baby-poop-or-throwup colors. What a disaster.

  14. Andria November 19, 2008 at 3:31 pm #

    And to think, all this time I have completely ignored the tonal ornament of my clothes. I’ve been doing it all wrong!

  15. Oskiette November 19, 2008 at 3:42 pm #

    Actually, there’s even more tantalizing advice on the rest of the blog. Braving stupidity-induced nausea (because that’s how much I love y’all) I dove in and found this: http://www.evebridge.com/post/review/201

    Her “Japaneese (sic) Diet- Lose 15 lbs in 12 days”. The only way you can lose 15 lbs in 12 days is if you cut off your own arm. What the hell is WRONG with this person?

  16. marjorie November 19, 2008 at 3:49 pm #

    what IS a tonal ornament? a blinged-out tuning fork?

  17. Margo November 19, 2008 at 3:56 pm #

    I love the part about avoiding clothes with side seams. About the only kinds of clothing that doesn’t have side seams are pantyhose and cheap T-shirts. Which would not, in my opinion, be a superfantastic outfit.

  18. Style Spy November 19, 2008 at 4:35 pm #

    Wow. She’s even bossier than <i>me</i>.

  19. Ravna November 19, 2008 at 5:00 pm #

    Hello everyone.
    I’ve been reading this fabulous blog for a while now but this is my first posting.

    “If your size is bigger than 20, XXL, you’d better chose checkerboard or striped cloth with small tonal ornament.”
    Hmm… being a 20 myself (depending on brand, and the fact that I live in Sweden and we have a completely different system) I must say that I would probably kill myself before I dressed in anything checkerboard, I’m serious, I would.
    And Tonal ornaments.. sure I love them in tapestries and wallpaintings. You know, when you paint patterns in a slightly darker or lighter tone than the base colour. I have no idea what she means with “a small” does she mean just one single ornament (which I think looks silly) or a repeated pattern? A repeated pattern could look good, if done well. The danger is that sometimes it looks decidedly frumpy.

    “peachy, beige, yellow, yellow-brown. You’d better avoid contrast. Pay attention to
    cloth of light, soft, silver, reserved but expressive colors. Your clothes color shouldn’t make dull and monotonous expression.”

    My first thought when I read this was.. “So you want me beige but not monotonous.. you really hate fat people, don’t you?”
    Don’t get me wrong, I LOVE some of these colours. I look quite fetching in peach, especially during the summer and beige is a wonderful colour when you blend it with other more expressive colours.
    I can’t imagine why contrast would be bad for big girls. In my viewpoint noone can work magic on the colorblock dresses better than a voluptous female.

    There is much more I’d like to critizise but those two where my biggest peeves.
    Thank you for a delightful blog, you make me smile!

  20. maatnofret November 19, 2008 at 5:50 pm #

    Hilarious.

    Apparently, I’m supposed to wear colors that make me look like a wallflower–a frumpy wallflower that’s been puked on. Most of those “rules” are totally bogus anyway. I don’t wear minis because I don’t like them, but I’ve seen plenty of fat girls wear them with aplomb.

    I think that the bad “not to tight not too large” advice might be a bad translation, only because it sounds a bit similar to one of my cardinal rules of plus size dressing:

    Don’t wear clothes that are too tight. They will call attention to every single figure flaw, be uncomfortable, and wear out faster. Don’t wear clothes that are too loose. They will swallow you whole and make you look like you are hiding. Wear clothes that FIT, and fit well, and they will be your friend. (Get alterations if they are necessary and within your budget.)

    Come to think of it, that’s pretty good fashion advice for any body type.

  21. Babs November 19, 2008 at 6:09 pm #

    Please to not be telling me what height heel I can and cannot wear. I have shoes of EVERY height and the only rule in shoes (that i hold for myself) is don’t wear a heel you cannot walk in.

    Blessedly, I can walk in any height heel and will continue to do so until I die, tyvm. Besides…a higher heel can slim the knees down CONSIDERABLY! *SNORT GUFFAW*

  22. Elaine November 19, 2008 at 6:52 pm #

    Wow, I really thought this was a tongue-in-cheek poem or something.

  23. KES November 19, 2008 at 7:21 pm #

    I think the last four words of what’s posted here really sums up everything that’s wrong with it: “fat but elegant woman.” As if the two weren’t compatible before this nutso came along.

  24. Aunt Bub November 19, 2008 at 7:30 pm #

    Finally someone has said what we were all thinking! Now go forth, girls, and snap up those semi-fitted beige caftans (hem below the knee please) and rock on!

    Sanctimonious moron.

  25. Sarra November 19, 2008 at 7:46 pm #

    “is there a bus short enough for this whackjob?”
    Short bus, Plumcake? Really? You think comparing this woman to people with developmental difficulties – by implying that she has them herself – is okay? It’s not. People with mental retardation and other developmental difficulties are not stupid, and it’s just plain wrong to use them as some sort of synonymous standard as such – and they are not punchlines. Your sniggering about the “short bus” is dehumanizing and profoundly offensive.
    And speaking of “That’s it! I quit!” – that’s how I now feel about this blog.

  26. Mimi Stratton November 19, 2008 at 9:01 pm #

    If you go to Eve’s website, to leave her a scathing note, perhaps–you must log in, and when you try, you get the following message: “This Password is not exist”. Ok, that was the most hilarious part, for me.

  27. Sniper November 19, 2008 at 9:24 pm #

    Wow. “visually unstable” is my favorite. I’ve been called a lot of things, but I don’t think unstable was one of them in reference to how I dress.

    I suspect that Eve is unstable in her own way.

    I think what she’s saying is that the only clothing suitable for a Fat Woman is a cloak of invisibility. Failing that, we should just stay home to avoid offending people like her.

  28. Mango November 19, 2008 at 9:58 pm #

    Oh for heaven’s sake. I rode the short bus for three years with a bunch of other too-gifted-for-our-own-good whackjobs, and I take no offense at the reference. And we had a bus aide and everything. Shortbus riders of the word, unite! And come to think of it, yellow’s on the approved colors list, right?

  29. *Star November 19, 2008 at 10:29 pm #

    has to be satire….

  30. Fatadelic November 20, 2008 at 12:22 am #

    You shouldn’t bare fat knees even if it’s fashionable.

    OMG, someone might notice I am FAT if I bare my knees. God knows what they would do if I, gasp, bared my arms.

    I wonder what she’d think of my silver pants worn with my pink fake-snake jacket?

  31. Sara A. November 20, 2008 at 12:42 am #

    Did anyone else notice that this article made absolutely no sense? I’m so confused what am I supposed to wear now? I look horrible in beige! and yellow! and peach! WAAAAH

  32. Janey November 20, 2008 at 2:11 am #

    My kid rides the short bus (and he’s fat!) but I did not find Plumcake’s comment offensive in the slightest. If you are that easily dehumanized, I fear for you when you encounter the rest of the internet.

  33. leymoo November 20, 2008 at 8:16 am #

    Ha!
    “If your size is bigger than 20, XXL, you’d better chose checkerboard or striped cloth with small tonal ornament.”
    I had to google to find out what “small tonal ornament” meant.

    Checkerboard? Just eh? This must be some sort of satire.

    (on a minor note, I’m a UK 18(US14) and I was under the impression that was XXL – any ideas?)

  34. leymoo November 20, 2008 at 8:16 am #

    oopsie. Replace “satire” with “parody”

  35. TeleriB November 20, 2008 at 9:25 am #

    leymoo: At least where I shop, a US14-16 is a L, 18-20 is XL or 1X, and 22-24 is XXL or 2X.

  36. Bree November 20, 2008 at 10:47 am #

    It SHOULD be satire, but I think she’s deadly serious.

    The large breasts comment is hysterical, because like a lot of others who have blinders on when it comes to fat women, she thinks we all have large breasts. There are a lot of women who don’t. I got news for Eve: it doesn’t matter what I wear, whether it’s tight or loose, my breasts will look massive because they are. And that’s not bragging. I have the rack of doom, and the only way for them not to be seen is to cut them off. That ain’t happening.

    As for her choice of colors, I love brown, but peach, yellow, and beige will wash me out and make me look sickly.

    So gals, throw on your red and black sparkling tight low-cut dresses and high heels, and revolt!

  37. raincoaster November 20, 2008 at 10:51 am #

    I believe she is advocating nakedness. I say, set up a meeting with her and blow her mind with the dress code!

  38. De November 20, 2008 at 11:13 am #

    I love that she uses the phrase “you’d better” over and over.

    Like a bully telling me what I should do OR ELSE. *shakes fist*

    OR ELSE WHAT? You’ll realize I’m fabulous and you’ve been lashing out in an attempt to hide your own insecurities/self esteem issues?

  39. Twistie November 20, 2008 at 11:16 am #

    You’re on raincoaster! I’ll bring the sparkly body paint, you bring the donuts!

    Hmmm….purple, blue, red, orange, bright green…nope, I don’t have any ‘peachy’ or beige body paint.

    Darn. Guess we’ll have to go without.

    @Bree: it really is hilarious how she seems to think fat women come only in one color range and one general shape, but recognizes that we come in different heights. I will, however, note that she is probably the only fashion rules ‘expert’ I’ve ever seen who thinks short women are less restricted in their clothing choices than tall ones! At last! Someone thinks I can get away with things that tall women can’t! But then I consider the source and it all goes to hell. Guess I’ll go back to relying on my own eyes when I look in the mirror and my own sense of style.

    Now, if only I can learn to hide my enormous breasts. Wait a minute, I already can. They just ain’t that huge.

  40. Linn from IA November 20, 2008 at 2:28 pm #

    Okay, that’s it — I’m off to shop for something that’s hot pink and black and is sparkly and has seams and a tight skirt that shows my knees or maybe a fluffy skirt? And it will have a plunging neckline to show my cleavage too and be sleeveless and… alright, wait, I’d be dressing like an extra in the Biggest Little Whorehouse in Texas, but still … damn, I think I’m inspired to amp up the fun level in my wardrobe! Life is too darn short to dress although you’re apologizing for your existence.

    This Eve Bridge person has a special gift, actually. I think she’s inspired us all, just not the way she meant to.

  41. Evie November 20, 2008 at 3:14 pm #

    Linn, I think you may have just written the best comment on contemporary fashion “rules” I’ve ever heard. Life IS too short to dress like you’re apologizing for your existence. When did fashion become solely about how to hide all of your perceived flaws? I must have missed that memo…

  42. Jojo November 20, 2008 at 3:32 pm #

    ‘White color should be used for blouses which are hidden under jacket or waistcoat and for collar.’
    And apparently even the simple white blouses of the fatties must hide in shame.

    Snort.

  43. Liz B. November 20, 2008 at 7:46 pm #

    This is my favorite:

    The following colors are perfect for fat women: peachy, beige, yellow, yellow-brown.

    If I followed this advice, I’d run the risk of being mistaken for walking vomit.

  44. GS November 20, 2008 at 7:58 pm #

    Oh man, I’ve been laughing so hard I think I scared the neighbors. Foolish, foolish Eve!

  45. Gauss November 20, 2008 at 9:58 pm #

    Why are we giving these “Eve” people so much internet traffic? They are clearly nuts.

  46. AmazonAngelle November 21, 2008 at 3:17 am #

    The most hilariously offensive part was the fat knees…which was then followed by me finally coming into my Charmed powers and making this goofy chick explode with the sheer force of will. FAT KNEES!?!?!?! Seriously!? *stomps off for a large Frog Water Cocktail muttering darkly*

  47. Jane November 21, 2008 at 3:47 pm #

    Checkerboard? Effin’ CHECKERBOARD?

  48. Kate November 24, 2008 at 8:53 am #

    What’s with big girls having to wear beige and peach? What if those colors look horrible on you? Maybe big girls, like all women, should wear colors that flatter their skin tone!

  49. buffalo weather November 28, 2008 at 12:24 pm #

    The Buffalo Bills were riding high atop the AFC East three weeks ago, but after three straight division losses, they’re fighting to avoid falling into last place. To hear some of their own players tell it, the Cleveland Browns aren’t