Oh England, you bunch of green and pleasant nutjobs, do me a favor and put down ye merry olde cracke pype and let me lay a little church on you.
Size 8 is not fat.
Need to see it again? Okay.
SIZE 8 IS NOT FAT.
So remember the Miss England pageant, where a plus-size girl made the finals and we’re all “girl power” and when she didn’t win we pretty much heard nothing but crickets because
a) Fat Girl Loses Beauty Contest isn’t a headline (although she was First Runner-Up!)
b) British pageants are way, way boring. Frankly, if a beauty pageant doesn’t end up being turned into a Lifetime Original Movie with Valerie Bertinelli setting SOMEONE on fire with a flaming baton, then I don’t want to see it.
Well, it seems the reigning Miss England, Laura Coleman of Leicestershire (of whom I automatically approve on account that her fine county makes excellent cheeses) at a British size 10 –which is about an 8 on the other side of the pond– is being told she is too fat for a modeling career.
And the thing is, I’m not even a little bit surprised.
Sure, MAYBE a size 8 could be a catalog model these days, but for editorial high fashion stuff? No way. That’s the land of the size 0/2. Delightful, the world’s most beautiful xylophones. Not that there’s anything wrong with a naturally-occurring xylophone, but a little variation Maestro, if you please.
A beauty queen can’t get a job where the main requirement is being beautiful. That’s like me not being able to get a job where the main requirement is drinking gin and judging people (Confidential to my 9th Grade Career Counselor: HA HA TOLD YOU SO. AWESOME = ME. –ed.)
There’s ALWAYS going to be someone telling you you’re not beautiful enough. Always. You can be a size 0 or 8, 18 or 28 and you’re never, ever evereverever going to please the whole world.
Screw ’em. Set your own standards, create your own beauty, live the way you damn well feel and if they don’t like it well…I can’t legally say what to do, but it involves a cha cha heel, some vaseline and a trained Russian bear. Email me for the diagram.