Oh Grrr, I’m just so mad. I had this WHOLE fantastic post typed up and the internet ate it. Stupid internet. Do you know who I blame?
Al Gore.
And also my grandma. See, our pal Al –who’s kinda a big girl himself these days… zomg!!1! wait, do you think he reads the blog? Hi Al! Hi! How are you? I’m sorry my grandmother keeps calling you “That Commie” but she really doesn’t like that you’ve put up all those solar panels at your place in Belle Meade. She doesn’t mean it.
Well actually she does, and don’t jog by her house if you see her outside. I’m not saying anything, but I’ve got a cigarette-shaped scar on my forearm from the time I asked her if I could join the Young Democrats Society, so you know, I’m just putting that out there. Whatever.
OH! and speaking of putting things out there. You’re uh. Kinda shiny.
And bloaty.
And you’re sort of one bad moustache away from looking like you should be expending an inordinate amount of energy just to prove that Ferris Bueller isn’t REALLY sick after all.
I’m just saying.
I don’t want you to feel down about yourself. I’m kinda shiny too and bloaty too. It’s the stress and I don’t even have like HALF the awards and things you do, although were YOU Very Nearly Almost Miss Louisa County 1997? No??? Then I guess YOU’RE NOT SO GREAT AFTER ALL, ARE YOU AL???
But seriously, maybe do you have too much salt in your diet? Are you not hydrated enough? Because that can do it to me. Like now I know I can’t eat chocolate covered pretzels when I have cramps even though OH MY GOD THEY’RE THE BEST THINGS EVER, because they my otherwise porcelain visage all puffy and gross and I wake up looking like a hung-over rhinoceros.
So for you Al Gore, Plumcake recommends:
Midol. It’s not just for cramps, it’s got magical debloating properties thanks to pyrilamine maleate.
You’ll also need to drink a lot of water. Like a LOT of water. I like Ty Nant because it’s Welsh and it’s gorgeous –not unlike myself really– but also because it’s remarkably refreshing. Again, not unlike myself. I tried to find it on Amazon, but all I got was this:
so your guess in Nashville is as good as mine. Lord knows I searched all over Nashville trying to find the stuff last fall, but you might be a little better connected than I am.
You’ll also probably want to look into the shine issue. Being shiny is fine if you’re, I don’t know, trying to entice a skittish raccoon or get laid at a gay disco or something–but for the rest of us, matte really is for the best.
Check out this traditional Papier Poudré, made in…England (didn’t see that coming.) They’re cheap and I always carry a booklet in my handbag. I find this particular brand to be more natural feeling than the rice powder ones from Japan. The Caswell Massey also makes a fine version and it smells like rose. Just press on your face, dust it off a little and you’re set.
Finally –and seriously Al, this will rock your rapidly warming world– for the eye bags and circles:
Dude. Get you some. I’ve been using it for two weeks and my bags and undereye circles –which admittedly not as bad as yours– are GONESVILLE. I put it on after my SPF moisturizer, and I look bright eyed and bushy tailed all the live long day.
You know, Al Gore might just be fat. Which would be okay.
Comment by OTM — January 26, 2009 @ 7:05 pm
Yeah, I don’t know how comfortable I am with a supposedly fat-positive blog telling Al Gore that he needs to look less bloaty. I think he looks fine–the neck of his shirt might be a bit tight, but whatever. The shininess is probably due to lighting.
I’d hit that regardless.
Comment by harveypenguin — January 26, 2009 @ 8:06 pm
Al is a solidly built guy. I once had an office not far from his, so I saw him up close a number of times.
Bloat is different from generic heft, and I am think Plumcake is right here. He really varies in how much he looks like he is retaining–so does Leonardo Di Caprio and Jeremy Piven, to use thin examples.
Comment by Chaser — January 26, 2009 @ 8:15 pm
No no, there’s totally a difference between bloaty and fat. Chaser is exactly right. Like, I’m ALWAYS fat, I’m down with that. In fact since I get paid a relative bucket to write about being fat, you might say I’m PROFESSIONALLY fat, but I’m not always bloaty.
Seriously, don’t tell me I’m the only one who gets the bloat when her special ladytime rolls around, or else I will cry and never talk to any of you bloatless people again.
Comment by Plumcake — January 26, 2009 @ 9:39 pm
Oh, no. You are so not alone. I ate the Chinese food during that special time and can you say “Verruca Salt”? Except without all that blueness. That doesn’t explain Al, though…or does it?
Comment by Connie — January 26, 2009 @ 10:00 pm
I don’t know if you were kidding about the cigarette-shaped scar on your forearm, but I actually have a cigarette-shaped scar on my upper left arm, courtesy of my grandmother. (It was an accident. I think.)
Also, Al really does look like the guy from Ferris Beuller. Good call!
Comment by Cat — January 26, 2009 @ 10:36 pm
nope, Cat. I’ve got one courtesy of my grandmother. She says it was an accident too.
Comment by Plumcake — January 26, 2009 @ 10:39 pm
“I ate the Chinese food during that special time and can you say “Verruca Salt””?
Do you mean Violet Beauregarde? Verruca Salt, the little brute was about to go down the rubbish chute, remember?
Please for to excuses the Roald Dahl geek here.
Comment by Frances — January 26, 2009 @ 10:40 pm
There’s a lot to be said for tap water in many places, or at least bottled water that’s not trucked, shipped, or flown over any long distances. I’m avoiding Fiji, Evian, and Perrier these days, because it’s just water, yanno?
Comment by avirr — January 26, 2009 @ 11:28 pm
BURN THE HERETIC!
Comment by Plumcake — January 27, 2009 @ 12:50 am
That eye gel is awesome! I also use it on my upper lids, which are getting horrifyingly saggy. (Shut up. I’m 51. at least I don’t have to deal with special ladytimes anymore.)
Actually every one of that company’s products I’ve tried has done the job and them some, for a teeny price.
Comment by Margo — January 27, 2009 @ 2:41 am
Dude! I bought some of that Garnier eye stuff last night after reading this, and I put it on before bed. This morning, my seemingly permanent under-eye circles were, well, much lighter.
What do they PUT in there? I’m a little afraid.
Comment by Robotitron — January 27, 2009 @ 9:52 am
They carry Ty Nant at the World Market if you have one in your area. It’s my new favorite store – beautiful dishes, furniture, and decorations from around the world, not to mention the extensive international food and wine section.
Comment by Meggie — January 27, 2009 @ 6:22 pm
Thanks, Frances! Yup, definitely Violet (forgive me, had “salt” on the brain…) I shouldn’t try to be clever when I’m tired. LOL
Oh, and I like my tap water too (but it doesn’t come in that pretty blue bottle… LOL)…and the eye gel sounds worthy…may have to try it.
Comment by Connie — January 28, 2009 @ 12:02 am
Normally I agree with you guys, but IMHO, every time I see Al Gore lately he looks H-O-T. To echo harveypenguin above, I’d hit that.
Comment by boots — January 28, 2009 @ 9:36 am
Based on the limited interaction I had sharing the office universe with him, his voice is better/deeper/sexier in person, too, and he was always decent (courtly) with me (even Plummy’s Gran might approve of him under the “nicely brought up southern child” rubric). I think he is nice looking for his age, too. But the puffy eye thing would still work out for him.
Comment by Chaser — January 29, 2009 @ 1:11 am