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I Hate the Oscars. Also, Wear a Bra. | Manolo for the Big Girl

I Hate the Oscars. Also, Wear a Bra.

Okay. The Oscars. I don’t care about the red carpet. Truly, TRULY I do not. Because all it ever is is an endless parade of skintight strapless mermaid skirt dresses. Over and over and over again.  And then I get mad because every single adventurous, directional look gets put on the worst dressed lists.  After looking at the photo service shots, all I could think of was “I only liked Tilda Swinton, but Heidi Klum was interesting, and Marisa Tomei was too, though a bit more predictable.” OF COURSE they all ended up on the worst dressed list. WHATEVER because there hasn’t been a red carpet reporter in the history of time who could tell Lanvin from a hole in the ground.  THERE IS LIFE BEYOND THE MERMAID DRESS YOU KNOW. GOD. IT JUST MAKES ME SO MAD.

Do you know what ALSO makes me mad? This:

Frank Langella and Daughter Sarah

This is the lovely and talented Frank Langella and his daughter Sarah.  First I want to say that I love that he’s got a normal-looking daughter and that he brought her to the Oscars, which must have been a huge thrill, and I love that she’s not wearing some overwrought mermaid mess.

But.

You know.

This is Not a Good Look. At all. Really. AT ALL.

It’s Mrs Roper, but not in a good way. Also, there’s uh, support issues.

Okay. I’m just putting it out there. Breasts sag. They just do, and there’s no arguing it. You can be 19 years old and be more suited for a 36 long than a 42 C. It just happens. But you know what else happens? Bras.

I’m not saying jack them up to Jesus (COUGHsarahjessicaparkerCOUGH) just…you know, do SOMETHING. Breasts are like children. You can grow them yourself or buy a cuter pair in Costa Rica, but either way, they really do need healthy boundaries.

22 Responses to “I Hate the Oscars. Also, Wear a Bra.”

  1. Marina February 23, 2009 at 4:17 pm #

    ahahahah i love-love-loved this post :D finally sb whos echin isn’t dropping like they’ve seen a hideous, too-much and so-not-original mermaid strapless dress!!!! :))

  2. moxie February 23, 2009 at 5:06 pm #

    “Breasts are like children. You can grow them yourself or buy a cuter pair in Costa Rica, but either way, they really do need healthy boundaries.”

    A-hahahahaha!!! I LOVE THIS.

  3. Molly February 23, 2009 at 5:59 pm #

    I’m more worried about the hair. You’d think that if your father was Frank Langella, he could afford to take you to a nice salon instead of making you try and fail with a curling iron and a can of Aquanet.

  4. SusanC February 23, 2009 at 6:12 pm #

    It screams convertable bathing suit coverup to me. Perhaps, as per Molly, a more attractive hairstyle would have saved this from seeming too “whoa, just got back from the beach.”

  5. angela February 23, 2009 at 6:14 pm #

    my two cents – tilda swinton wore the heck out of that spectacularly quirky lanvin. it’s not a look for everyone, but she absolutely worked it.

  6. Amy K. February 23, 2009 at 6:14 pm #

    Tilda Swinton? You’re kidding, right?

    At least she was not a dead ringer for Eric Stoltz this year.

  7. Mrs. Hendricks February 23, 2009 at 7:22 pm #

    Loved Tilda Swinton, but Meryl Streep even more. She was my favorite, followed by Viola Davis (that gold!) and Tanji Henson (that necklace!).

  8. emmme February 23, 2009 at 7:59 pm #

    I don’t think she looks bad at all–dramatic jewelry and a chignon would have made it, but she’s fine. And her breasts aren’t sagging. God forbid a (young) woman look natural.

  9. Anon February 23, 2009 at 8:20 pm #

    I love you, Plumcake, but fo’ Chrissakes leave the non-celebrity child alone. Surely there must have been a celebrity camera whore you could have chosen to make the same point. Besides, I think she looks lovely.

  10. Plumcake February 23, 2009 at 8:51 pm #

    You know, I dithered for a while about posting anything (and yes, they most certainly are, they don’t just hang, they fold which is fine but you know, a bra) because she’s NOT a celebrity, but then I discovered she was 24 (and thus not a child) and asked myself “Where is she?” She is on the ding dong OSCAR RED CARPET, the Be All and End All of photocalls. The second she voluntarily stepped in front of the THOUSAND of photographers, she was fair game

  11. Ripley February 23, 2009 at 10:53 pm #

    I would have hated Tilda Swinton’s dress on anybody else but Tilda Swinton, but because it was Tilda Swinton I thought it was awesome. I’d be disappointed to see her in something normal.

    I thought Viola Davis looked fabulous, as did Tariji P. Henson. I don’t care what TV Guide says, I thought Melissa Leo looked great in her copper dress. I loathed Sarah Jessica Parker’s dress (stop playing Pretty Pretty Princess) and Beyonce (WHY do they keep bringing her back to perform?) looked like she was wearing curtains from a 70’s era TV room. Angelina Jolie’s earrings look better in still photographs than in live action.

  12. AmazonPrincess February 23, 2009 at 10:53 pm #

    I think she wouldn’t look saggy if she would just stand up straight! Posture is a good thing. That and the hair is just sad for the red carpet. I love the purple though.

  13. Chaser February 24, 2009 at 3:38 am #

    I thought Heidi looked fab, too. Honestly, she can wear anything; I’m not sure her outfit would have worked on anybody who isn’t a super. Tilda is my everything so I can’t fault her anything, except that I sort of feel like she won a genetic lottery (one I lost) and thus she owes me, somehow, and is obligated thus to wear things I can’t. I couldn’t wear that getup, for sure.

    I dunno, Plumcake, I think the kid looks fine. If you think that’s sag…well, getting older is a cruel, cruel process. I think Marisa looked lovely. But boy I would have warned the Queen against that blue satin.

  14. Lee February 24, 2009 at 10:47 am #

    The Oscars just aren’t the same without Cher and Bob Mackie.

  15. lisa February 24, 2009 at 11:01 am #

    I have 2 words about the lack of bra…Goldie Hawn. Discuss.

  16. marjorie February 24, 2009 at 12:15 pm #

    right?? (or as we said growing up in RI, “viiiight?”) when goldie hawn and her terrifying can’t-look-away possible impending nipslip and weird WIRE thingie in her cavernous cleavage were in the house, you gotta point to THIS non-industry kid’s rack? (i too think she’s fine, just needs some posture and a hairdo.)

    agree on total daring kick-ass fabulousness of tilda. my other faves were marion cotillard and natalie portman. (and portman’s dark nails with the sweet dress were perfection.) for me, the worst were beyonce’s red carpet dress (not the one she performed in), the skintight black and gold mermaid project-runway-reject monstrosity, which was every kind of vile, and queen latifah’s performance dress. she’s the QUEEN, jeepers, and she looked like a COMMONER in a dress that did her lusciousness no favors. give us a post on THAT. (opinions differ and that is valid kumabaya yeah fine.)

  17. Chicklet February 24, 2009 at 12:36 pm #

    Thank the Lord I’m not the only person suffering from Beyonce Fatigue. She’s showing up everdamnwhere, and it’s driving me batty. At this point, if she appears in Watchmen and/or Wolverine, I’m going to hit somebody.

  18. lazydaisy February 25, 2009 at 12:11 am #

    ok, so about this bra thing. what kind would you wear with a dress like this, anyway? this is an art that has always mystified me — especially with dresses with odd necklines or keyhole cutouts or plunging backs, which is why i pretty much avoid all of the above. but then again, strapless bras have always mystified me too, since they Will Not Stay Up on me, no matter what, so this further limits me. i’m small-breasted, but i hate “going without” because it just looks shapeless and…well…there’s the whole nippleage thing. what to do?

    maybe a future post could talk bras, especially tricky bra situations?

  19. Nancy February 25, 2009 at 9:22 am #

    Bra solution for keyhole necklines: Adhesive tape!
    Bra solution for “nippleage”: single-use bra petals or silicone bra discs.

    http://www.amazon.com/s/?ie=UTF8&keywords=bra+discs&tag=googhydr-20&index=apparel&hvadid=1102098401&ref=pd_sl_7z9ljgksim_b

    8-)

  20. Cat February 25, 2009 at 4:01 pm #

    I’m with lazydaisy — I cannot stand to go without a bra, but I have never yet found a strapless bra that stays up on me. Therefore, I have to avoid anything strapless or with very thin straps, anything with a plunging back, any halter-style tops, etc. It severely limits my fashion choices. I did try those adhesive petal things once, with very bad results. My skin did NOT like them, and I won’t try any sort of tape for fear of having the same reaction. I suffer.

  21. Bree February 26, 2009 at 10:22 am #

    The dress is bland, but being a purple freak, I like the shade. At least it wasn’t black.

    My biggest pet peeve about award show fashion is that 95% of the ladies insist on the bed-head look! Gals, you are wearing a $20,000 gown a designer wanted you to show off, and the best you can do with your tresses is just to let them hang limp with no volume or body like overcooked spaghetti? Jennifer Aniston, I’m talking to you, as you are the worst offender of this. I still think you’re prettier and nicer than Angelina, but you’ve been sporting the same ‘do since Friends ended. If a seventeen year-old girl can get fancy hair for her prom wearing a $100 dress, than the the rich and famous can too.

    End rant.

    As for Tilda, only she can get away looking like a zombie with lipstick. If Be-yawn-ce tried to do that, her career would be over. (Hmm, OTOH, maybe we should be encouraging her to wear satin Hefty Bags in public! At least I wouldn’t have to hear her oversing a note for 30 minutes anymore).

    Best dressed of the night was definitely Marion. Penelope Cruz looked heavenly too (every Oscar show needs a beauty looking like a bride to take you away from the boring throng of black sequins and mermaid gowns), and I loved Kate Winslet as well.

  22. La BellaDonna March 6, 2009 at 2:16 pm #

    I’m going to take a moment here for Beyonce. She absolutely has the figure for a mermaid dress; moreover, any dress which FITS her figure will then become, ipso facto, a mermaid dress. I thought the black and gold dress was fabulous and flattering. But then, I’m not suffering from Beyonce fatigue.

    However, I despise the “fashion commenTATORS” with the firey heat of ten thousand burning nuns. If someone wears lace, it looks like Grandma’s tablecloth. If someone wears brocade, it looks like a sofa. If someone wears anything that varies from the rest of the herd, there’s something wrong with it. I had a special hate for the ones who threw in the “too mature” comments. Apparently it is a cardinal sin to cover up any part of your body if you are under 50. And I hate that “couldn’t be bothered to do my hair” look on the vast majority of them.

    And, unfortunately, while Ms. Langella is undoubtedly a very nice young woman (whose father was BEAUTIFUL at her age) – that look wouldn’t have passed muster at a prom in the 1970s. The hair, the posture, the lack of support, the dress itself – not the most ideal combination.