Scared yet? My girlfriend ( never one to mince words or call punches) calls this: depression and self punishment. My boyfriend says its because if I did spruce up I’d be followed by drooling men all day and I’d get drool on me. Self defense he says. ( yeah. He IS that sweet and sensitive and thoughtful. I have no idea why he isnt gay…)
They’re both right I guess. Hate to say it. Ashamed to say it. But there you go.
I am working on it though. I’m a seamstress and I can make just about anything I want. I just never have because it felt selfish and inappropriate to have nice clothes. I did let my mom buy me 2 pairs of stretchy jeans at avenue. and a few scary bright t shirts. And my girlfriend bought me a pair of size 11 heels by fergie this weekend. I’m practicing wearing them a bit at a time. I dont want to fall on my face in public.
But its scary. I figure if I look like every other depressed overweight housewife around then no one will actually see -me-. Make sense? Looking like crap seems to confer a certain sense of anonymity. ” These aren’t the droids you’re looking for. Move along. Move along.”
Ugh. Whoever thought the simple act of getting dressed could be such a big deal.

My Appalachian dad also dealt with assumptions about his intellect, which he also turned to his advantage. He spent a lot of time in the Soviet Union and the security files they had on him were recently released. The consensus was that he couldn’t be a spy because a) Appalachians are too dumb to spy and b) even if one were smart enough to spy, the Americans would never believe that.

(He was not a spy.)

When it comes to women, ugly shoes for the sake of comfort drive me crazy. My beloved grandma had terrible foot problems, and she wore the most beautiful handmade shoes. They were flat and molded to her feet, so they could not have been more practical, but they were stunning nevertheless. They were not cheap, but much less expensive than you’d think, and she just had two pairs at a time. I need to ask my mom where she got them.

Also, women who try too hard to be girly strike me as evil. I’m always convinced that they’re hiding their natural viciousness behind a mask of rainbows and unicorns. Scary!!

Thanks for letting me vent!

Outdoor clothing when one is not outdoors: Yuppie poser. Probably moved to the Northwest because they “love nature,” which means they love overpriced organic yoga wear, mountain views from their luxury condo, and driving a limited edition Eddie Bauer SUV that has seen about as much off-roading as my 4-inch snakeskin heels.
Overly fancy or gimmicky outdoor clothing when one IS outdoors (example: gaiters and mountaineering boots on a flat 4 mile trail in July): Yuppie poser with good intentions, but way too much money. Didja bring your backcountry espresso maker too?
Carefully constructed boho hipster look: Entitled, priveleged, and condescending. Probably talks big about skipping town to join the Zapatistas but is secretly terrified of people who aren’t white, or complains about capitalism and consumerism while their parents pay for them to live downtown and go to art school.

Well, at least I try to not ACT on my first impressions (not wanting anyone to write a book or anything). Good thing, too, since I know from past experience there are PLENTY of people making snap judgments about ME that are way off base. How can I tell? Because they HAVEN’T kept their snap judgments to themselves – that’s how.

But I reserve judgement for:

Women whose clothes wear them. The biggest fashion faux pas, to me, is to look like you’re “trying.” If it makes you uncomfortable; if you feel that it’s too much cleavage or pattern, for god’s sake then it’s not for you! You can’t be retiring in a zebra-pattern trench. just pull up the sheets and call in.

Boys with too many layers: a tank top, a button-down, bedazzled belt buckle, 5-color gym shoes, chain with medallion hanging down to the belly button, headband AND hat plus huge shades. What are you hiding, sweetheart?

Women who shop in the boys department of sears (get it together, my lesbian and/or Midwestern sisters)

Fat women in shapeless, stretched out sweaters and sweats. Don’t pretend it’s a lack of selection! Even in the 80s, before the advent of the Internets and Target women’s department, I knew fabulously dressed women living way below the poverty line. Though, come to think of it, I bet people judged them for that, too.

Everyone’s not blessed with personal style, though many of us have learned to cultivate one. I try to keep that in mind when foolishness crosses my path.

Side ponytails, scrunchies, perms = I associate these hairstyles with smokers, all of whom I assume to be not-so-bright

Head-to-toe denim = people who are too high to realize the 70′s passed them by

Mean, yes. I can’t help it though.

And as for regional accents – any of them make the speaker sound dumb. It’s so easy to lose the regional accent, why keep it? One can always conjure it if the circumstances warrant it. Today, no one ever suspects that I grew up in Brooklyn, NY.

Aforementioned pants with hoodies/giant parkas with thousands of pockets and baseball caps, all in immaculate like-ironed condition, nowhere near the Great Outdoors but in a city centre = TOURIST

Couples dressed in matching outfits made up of the above = Did you assume traveling out of your own country meant you are required to wear special uniforms to distinguish yourself from the strange foreigners?

Seriously, if you wouldn’t wear it at home in similar environs, why are you wearing it here?