The Big Question: A Funny Thing Happened on the Way to the Altar Edition
By PlumcakeI didn’t wear a necklace today, and that was a big mistake. See, when I read that internet friend Marjorie’s mother-in-law wore white to Marjorie’s wedding I had to stop what I was doing, drive home, go through my accessories cupboard, pull out the red beat up Valentino shoe box waaaay in the back of the second shelf where I keep all my pearls, put them all on with abandon and then proceed to clutch them for dear life while exclaiming “Why AH NEVUH!” over and over again until my dog started giving me Concerned Looks.
Okay, that’s a bit of an exaggeration, but I WAS scandalized.
Things happen at a wedding. I get that. I went to a backyard wedding last weekend which was positively lovely except for the unfortunate poor girl –I’d wager she was 10 or so– who, during the moment of silence before the ceremony began, accidentally released the loudest, most acoustically impressive bit of bodily wind to ever singe an eyebrow. Blessherheart.
It was merely the grace of God, a well-placed hankie and an enormous Peter Bettley hat that protected me from being dead busted, as tears ran down my face from trying to stifle the laughs. Yet another reason to wear gargantuan chapeaux.
So today Miss Plumcake wants to know:
What’s the funniest/most horrifying thing you have ever personally seen or experienced at a wedding?
June 24th, 2009 at 4:06 pm
OH I have a good one.
It was my first experience with a wedding in the South. It was a traditional ceremony held in a Baptist church, and started out perfectly lovely. Then it was time for the flowergirl and ring bearer to come down the aisle together. I would put their ages right around 4 years old. First you hear the boy “NO NO NO NO!!!” He didn’t want to walk down the aisle. It went down hill from there. The wedding coordinator sends the flower girl by herself. Now, somewhere along the way, the little girl must have heard that flower girls get to drop petals along the aisle. However, the church was not set up for it (no white runner) and instead of petals, she had a basket flower arrangement.
This did not stop her.
All the way down, she proceeded to RIP flowers out of her basket. Did she drop them demurely on the floor as she walked? OH no. She turned to the person sitting at the aisle seat and THREW the ripped out flowers at them. Allll the way to the front of the church: step – rip – THROW, step – rip – THROW.
Eventually, the little boy was convinced to walk down the aisle. He went at a sprint – holding on to the ring, which was attached to the pillow by a ribbon, and swinging the pillow in a circle above his head like a lasso. He let go and the pillow and ring FLEW into the seats. One of the bridesmaids got the pillow and ring back and managed to wrangle him up front to stand next to the rest of the men.
Much laughter and hilarity, and everything eventually settled down – the bride came out looking radiant, and the minister began the ceremony. 5 minutes in, ring bearer can’t take it any more. NO HE DOESN’T WANT TO STAY STILL! I WANT ICE CREAM! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! DAAAAAAAAADDDDD!!! I WANT SOME ICE CREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEAM!!!!! Eventually a man, presumably his father, ran up and grabbed him, and carried him under his arm, KICKING AND SCREAMING, out of the church.
The rest of the service went without incident. Until the reception when I found out that there was NO DINNER BEING SERVED. AND NO ALCOHOL! This yankee girl does NOT subsist on cocktail shrimp and funny cheese sandwiches THANKYOUVERYMUCH. Where I grew up, one does not ask friends and loved ones to pony up a gift and give up a saturday WITHOUT providing a nice spread and an open bar.
And THAT is why there were no children at my southern wedding. Also: full dinner reception and open bar ;)
June 24th, 2009 at 4:11 pm
My MIL also wore white to our wedding. I was horrified. Of course, since then I have come to understand that she is still unwilling to acknowledge that her little boy got married (to someone like me, no less.) That’s an entirely other issue, though.
June 24th, 2009 at 4:22 pm
I went to a friend’s wedding two years ago, and while shaking hands with the groom (whom I’d never met) discovered he had the filthiest fingernails I’d ever seen. Between that and the (formal dinner) reception where all the groomsmen changed into motorcyle boots and unbuttoned down to their wifebeaters and the groom sent a friend out to do the first dance with the bride because he claimed his ankle hurt…well, they’re divorced now and I can’t say I’m the slightest bit disappointed.
June 24th, 2009 at 4:29 pm
Wel this isnt horrible,its funny.
In the drama department at church we have a group of women,my mother included,about 5 of them,who are the Roller lady and the Swan Salon girls(Imagine every southenr stereotype in women form,this is them..we’re southern so we’re allowed)
Well one of the girls done got married.So at her wedding,the rest of the gang snuck in to the reception(with permission from the Brides mom)and proceeded to give her their blessings and bit of maritol wisdom,such as “I cain;t believe you married into a name that begins with FAT(The grooms surname begins with that)
they had on their tackiest dresses and best rollers
Needless to say,the bride loved it
aha found a picture
and the ahh the bride isnt pictured..that was a year she didnt do it
http://www.facebook.com/home.php?ref=home#/photo.php?pid=162314&op=1&o=global&view=global&subj=1643193906&id=1346565868
June 24th, 2009 at 5:08 pm
I was honored to serve as the “best woman” at a dear old friend’s wedding. As such, I got to make a toast. Although the wedding itself was otherwise fairly traditional in form and function, the fact that a woman made the “best man toast” seemed to signal to the guests that the couple was expecting a wedding toast free-for-all. The DJ, being a friend and not particularly experienced with weddings (he was more of a club DJ) guilelessly passed the mic to anyone who requested it. This was merely boring until the bride’s very drunk friend made a toast, first babbling, and the, incomprehensibly, shouting that she had pushed a BABY out of her VAGINA just like the BRIDE who had an AMAZING VAGINA. At about the fifth “vagina” instance, the bride grabbed me and begged me to MAKE IT STOP (her attendants had gone outside to smoke after unsolicited toast number two), so waving and smiling, I cut off the mic. And her access to the bar.
June 24th, 2009 at 5:15 pm
I was maybe in 11th grade when my dad got remarried. At the reception he got drunk on ouzo and stood on a chair and mooned everyone. Oh sure, it’s a funny story now… but when you’re 15, it’s mortifying.
June 24th, 2009 at 5:16 pm
Oh, there are too many to choose from, my dear:
1) Country bumpkin Okie summer wedding where the brides all wore red satin sequined dresses more appropriate for an eighth-grade tap recital than a wedding and the groomsmen wore white tuxes, white shoes, and alternated between black dress socks and white athletic socks.
2) Father’s ex-wife’s FOURTH wedding where the 60 year old bride wore a WHITE Vera Wang gown.
3) Aforementioned wedding where said bride did a DOLLAR DANCE.
June 24th, 2009 at 5:21 pm
I was going to go on and on about one wedding in particular, but in the interest of time and not completely mortifying the bride and groom, (who are good people, but very unique), should they ever discover this report, I will sum up in a few words.
Reception decor included a toilet as an art installation. Rubber duckie favors. Bachelorette party runs over wedding rehearsal time, compelling yours truly as a groomsman’s girlfriend to stand in for a number of the ladies until they showed up, tipsy and witchy wedding coordinator in tow. Matching hair dye jobs for the bride and groom.
And into a little more detail for the next detail, which wasn’t their choice… the pastor (who is a dear friend and has an interesting sense of humor) in preaching on the text of Adam and Eve’s first meeting and describing the Lord’s intentions in marriage and the creation of woman, proceeded to make a bestiality joke. 2 years later, in a beautiful intimate wedding that he performed in his living room and that I was privileged to be a guest at (this girl put her wedding together in a week, it was one of the loveliest I’ve seen), he told the same exact joke. I’m now curious if this is part of his standard wedding talk… “Giving away… vows… bestiality…”
June 24th, 2009 at 5:37 pm
EvilScienceChick: clearly, despite being a Yankee, you were raised right.
Vamplynn: if she’s wearing white to your wedding and not acknowledging her baby got married that’s not an issue, that’s an anthology.
Siege: Oh man. That’s…wow. Did you wait the customary year to make sure they were good and divorced before saying “I never liked him anyway”? I’m not sure I would’ve made it.
JSteele: LOVE that. I’m trying to discourage my gay best friend from dating a guy whose last name starts with Gerbil.
OTM et al, wow…there are just no words.
June 24th, 2009 at 5:44 pm
The OAP Vera Wang Dollar Dance? Priceless.
My humble contribution – a dry (daytime) wedding, where the guests couldn’t wait 60 minutes to finish dinner and leave for drinks – getting up mid-speech and drinking in the car park, which was in full view of the reception hall. Classy.
June 24th, 2009 at 5:57 pm
I was in a wedding last year that had a number of “interesting” incidents. The one that sticks out the most was during the toasts. There were four total toasts (mine as MOH, best man, FOB, FOG).
The FOG (father of groom) gave a speech that included props/gifts for them. He was giving them advice on their life together and making a number of jokes at his son’s expense – ie a how to book on home repair and a box of bandaids.
During all of this the bride is becoming progressively more embarrassed (and the groom was too). Then the kicker came out. The bride and groom are very into Sci-Fi including Star Trek – and his dad presented them with some classic Trek episodes. He made a Pon Faar (Vulcan Sex) joke and said something about the episode helping on that end.
Thankfully he finished not too long after that.
June 24th, 2009 at 6:07 pm
On the not-truly-horrible front, my best friend’s wedding two years ago, her father-in-law wore a t-shirt and jeans because he hadn’t tried on his only suit in many many years and only realized when he went to get dressed an hour before the wedding that his suit didn’t fit. It was a fairly casual wedding (the groomsmen wore Carhartts, we bridesmaids were in t-shirt jersey dresses (really not flattering, but the bride did her best)) so everyone just laughed it off.
June 24th, 2009 at 7:34 pm
When my best friend got married, there was a pile up on I-95 including an overturned gas truck that delayed the wedding by 2 hours. It was terrible! The bride, the other bridesmaids and I were stuck sitting in the tiny dressing room fielding calls from all the guests on the highway waiting for the accident to clear. Combine this with the fact that one of the grooms sisters was so peeved that she wasn’t asked to be a bridesmaid that she told all the women on his side of the family to wear all black. They are Utah Mormons, the only time they wear black is for funerals. Luckily it was an evening wedding in October and the rest of us are New York Jews so we didn’t notice the black clothing. Plus the bride had asked the bridesmaids to wear black anyway. Eventually the accident was cleared and I sang her down the aisle. Now she is expecting her first baby any day now.
June 24th, 2009 at 7:35 pm
And just after hitting submit I remembered the more-horrifying incident from that wedding. One of the toasts was from a groomsman, who’d been married for 3ish years at that point, and part of his speech was how seeing friend and her new husband renewed his faith in love. His very nice wife was not amused; those nearby said her foot was tapping hard enough to appear on the Richter scale.
June 24th, 2009 at 7:45 pm
My story isn’t as funny as everyone else’s. When a friend of my mom’s got married back in the late 80s, I was wearing heels for the very first time. I practiced walking in them before the wedding. Everything was OK until we got to the reception hall. I was walking across the dance floor, and I slipped and went down on my butt. I wasn’t hurt but I was sure embarrassed! That was the first and last time I wore heels.
My mom and stepdad went to their future daughter-in-law’s father’s second wedding this past May and told me that the preacher, who was supposed to do a reading the groom chose, ended up making his own speech. Needless to say, both groom and bride were not happy. Then the preacher proceeded to get wasted at the reception. My brother and his fiancee, who are getting married this October, will not be using him.
Getting hitched at the courthouse looks better and better doesn’t it?
June 24th, 2009 at 10:04 pm
I’ve been to a lot of weddings over the years, so I’ve seen an awful lot – both good and bad – happen in the course of getting a couple hitched.
Ring bearers who get last-minute stagefright and can’t make it down the aisle, ‘crucial’ items left behind (like the bride who held up her reception for over an hour because she’d left the tossing bouquet in the dressing room of the church and wouldn’t let anyone eat until the room had been unlocked and the bouquet rescued), catering inadequacies (same bride, not nearly enough food to go around), technical glitches, unfortunate references in toasts (including the mention of fellatio over the loudspeaker in front of the bride’s elderly and extremely socially conservative grandmother), and just plain odd occurrences.
There are, however, a couple that really stand out in my mind. One was my brother the alpaca rancher’s wedding to his lady. Actually, several were there. Watching my new sister-in-law trying to manage a trained hoopskirt in the woods was the final straw in any plans I might ever have considered for a train for myself. I loved the site and wanted to marry there, myself. Eventually, Mr. Twistie and I were married there…and I wore a trainless gown that ended at the tops of my feet so that it didn’t get full of twigs and other forest floor detritus.
In addition to that at the same wedding, I saw how parents should NEVER act when their children are getting married. My SIL’s father made all sorts of demands about how the wedding should be conducted, and then simply failed to show up. Her mother was there, but we all wished she had stayed at home if she was going to show in a long, white, lacy dress and deliberately scowl in every photograph. Charming.
There was also trouble with the ring bearer…or ring bear, I should say since the role was filled by the bride’s beloved teddy bear, Bailey. When the time came for the ring exchange, the ribbon tying them to the pillow wouldn’t untie. The best man struggled fruitlessly with a stuffed bear until he let out a stream of what I’m assured were obscenities in Korean (he was in the army and had been sent to learn the language), whereupon the bear gave up the rings. An inspection of Bailey’s tags during the reception showed that he was made in Korea. Clearly, he just needed to be spoken to in his native language.
At another wedding where I was MOH, the groom’s family caused a lot of annoyance. They started off with one brother refusing to acknowledge anyone from the bride’s side, from parents and siblings to friends. No clue why this should be. The groom’s parents insisted that the bridal party spend the night before the wedding attempting to scour the woods clean (yeah, same site). How fun is that? Two minutes after the ceremony ended, the groom’s entire family (save for the aforementioned groom who was really embarrassed by this) changed out of their good clothes and into track suits and sneakers. The groom’s father left his track suit unzipped down to his belly button. Then the brother who was speaking to the bride’s side of the family told a fifteen minute version of the moose turd pie joke as a wedding toast.
The groom, I hasten to say, is one of the nicest, best-behaved people I have ever known. I also firmly believe him to be a changeling from the fairies.
At my own wedding, a couple of latecomers interrupted the ceremony by calling ‘hey, we thought there was a wedding somewhere around here’ in the middle of the vows. It was the worst thing that happened all day, and everyone – including me – just laughed and went on with things.
But the one I think I will remember all too vividly to my dying day was one prescient infant at a wedding that never should have been. Pretty much everyone in attendance held out zero hope that this couple was going to make it to their second anniversary. In fact, the bride’s sister who was acting as MOH chose to show her contempt for the proceedings by wearing a slinky black jumpsuit with lots of decorative zippers (it was the eighties) and the highest pair of slutheels she owned. The groom was being terribly self-consciously sentimental and kept mopping at his forehead with the World’s Largest Hankie(tm) and gazing Soulfully at his bride. The officiant bore a rather terrifying resemblance to Mr. Rogers, and spoke with the same cadence, which made keeping a straight face difficult, to say the least.
When the officiant got to ‘if anyone knows just cause why these two people should not be joined, etc., the baby I was talking about (remember the baby?) who had been peacefully sleeping awoke with an unholy howl of rage and despair (and probably hunger). I felt that baby spoke for nearly everyone on the premises.
The baby was right, too. It took nearly eighteen months for them to file divorce papers, but they had officially split by about the six month mark.
I do hasten to note, however, that I have been to a LOT more weddings where nothing untoward happened at all. And even most of the ones where something has gone bizarrely wrong have also had at least pleasant moments.
June 24th, 2009 at 10:13 pm
On the rather-amusing-now-but-mortifying-at-the-time note, I was the maid of honor in a friend’s wedding where the reception was a site some distance removed from the church. The guests all headed over there while the wedding party, of course, stayed behind for photos. Since we also wound up having to remove all the decorations from the church, we did not arrive at the reception site for about an hour.
Upon arrival, we discovered that the caterer (one of the bride’s great-aunts, with quite a personality), had told [eventually yelling] all the guests they couldn’t eat or drink a single thing, even water, until the bridal party got there! The DJ was a groomsman, too, so 100 guests (or rather fewer than 100; several guests were so indignant they left) sat in hungry, dehydrated, uncomfortable silence for more than 45 minutes.
I won’t get into the other affronteries that wedding afforded… like plastic tablecloths, a large number of guests who “didn’t know they were supposed to bring a gift”, and the bride’s mother being an hour late to the ceremony!
June 24th, 2009 at 10:14 pm
You know this story: http://style-spy.blogspot.com/2008/10/in-praise-of-pockets.html
June 24th, 2009 at 10:41 pm
ah, memories…
my own wedding was a surprise to all the guests, who thought they were coming to a christmas season party. The best part was a friend who arrived really late – we’d waited as long as we could, but ended up going ahead without her. When she arrived, another friend very excitedly said “OMG, CC surprised us all with a marriage commissioner and a wedding!!!”. To which my hearing impaired friend said “huh? CC married a cushion?”
I think my favourite disaster wedding was my cousin’s. His “lovely” bride was a roundheel of the finest sort. Wore a wedding gown that was (and I do not exaggerate), tightfitting stretch lace, backless, with a short tiered skirt, slit nearly up to her naughy bits. She was late for the toast to the bride because she was breastfeeding her baby. And when she was dancing, I saw the little plastic tag thingie that price tags are attached to sticking out from under her arm. The bridesmaids wore tightfitting, off the shoulder, cut nearly to the waist blue satin minidresses. The MOTB wore something similar…and didn’t lift a finger to help my aunt, the MOTG, who basically catered the entire thing.
Surprise, surprise, the marriage didn’t last.
My own embarrassment came when I was MOH for my dear friend since high school. She decided to get married at a ranch, where the accommodations (teeny wee cabins) were some distance from the Orchard. So, FOTG is going to drive us from the cabin to the orchard. MOTB, a bit of a flake, first delays things by saying she can’t find the best man to give him his boutonniere…he’s walking behind her trying to get her attention. Then MOTB decides she needs her sparkly shawl…so we’re waiting, in the car, in the heat, and I’m getting VERY annoyed. I mention my annoyance using a few versions of “taking the Lord’s Name in vain”… I look up to see the frosty eyes of FOTG in the rearview mirror, and only then remember that in spite of bride and groom (and self) all being athiests, FOTG was a whacked out preacher type. Oy!
June 25th, 2009 at 12:26 am
My favorite “Oh, you’ve GOT to be kidding” wedding story happened when I was my sister’s date to a high school friend’s wedding. Coming from a conservative small town, and knowing that the girl had gotten super church-y since I had seen her last, I knew it would be an experience.
There was the exchange of purity rings from the FOB to groom, excessive recommendations for the bride to “submit to your husband as the head of your household,” encouragement to have lots of little fundie babies as soon as possible (because their Christian household would stand against the forces of darkness), and the reminder that their marriage was to bolster up the sanctity of the institution against the evil forces of gays/liberals/feminists.
This was bad enough, but when it came time for the “Joe, do you take Jane as your lawfully wedded wife?” response, the groom responded with “Sure.” And at the end of the ceremony, after all the super religious nonsense, the music played for the recessional was Freebird (swear to God). The bridal get away vehicle? Matching ATVs, with streamers and cans tied to the back, complete with Bride and Groom helmets. And, unsurprisingly, it was a dry wedding that only provided finger foods for the reception.
My sister and I spend most of the wedding poking each other in horror or stifling hysterical laughter.
June 25th, 2009 at 3:22 am
The groom had always known the bride, a certain Pilavullakandi, as ‘Candy’ and couldn’t say her real name when the time came. Probably doesn’t happen in America where even three-syllable names are rare.
June 25th, 2009 at 9:44 am
I have also been to a wedding where the mother-of-the-groom wore white. I understand it was August, and hot, and HOT. But. Still. Really??? Bless the bride on that one – she just laughed it off, said something funny and slightly off color (can’t remember the words, just the sentiment) and went on with her day.
June 25th, 2009 at 9:58 am
I did not find out until after the ceremony, but during our wedding, my then-four year old daughter, who was our flower girl, commenced doing underarm farts while standing on the steps of the pulpit. My elder daughter, 19 at the time, got her to stop but as soon as the 19 year old turned her back, the little one started up again. Happily, we got it on video. A video which will, of course, be trotted out in the year 2019 to show her prom date.
June 25th, 2009 at 10:02 am
I attended the wedding of the son of a friend (actually the second wedding I attended for the same young man) which was held rather close to my home and far from the bride and groom’s family homes. About 10 people were in attendance. When I was introduced to the mother of the bride, she said her name was Yvonne but I could call her Evil. I commented that it was an unusual nickname and her husband said “It’s nicer than b*tch!” That set the tone for the weekend. A shower for the expected baby was held following the reception.
June 25th, 2009 at 10:44 am
Not horrifying, but funny/weird:
1. A cousin got married for the 3rd time (? is that right? she has married and divorced 4 times that I know of) and this wedding (I saw photos) had the theme of “Gangsters and hookers.” The men wore spats and carried — I am not joking — Tommy guns and the bridesmaids wore dancehall dresses hiked up over one thigh so the garter was visible.
2. A good friend got married. Asked her new SIL to do a reading. SIL read two sentences and her 18-month-old started fussing. Rather than let whoever was holding the baby deal with it (you know, take the kid out of the church for FIVE MINUTES), she ran down from the altar to get the baby. I don’t even remember who stepped in to finish the reading.
3. Another friend got married while we were in college. Ten of us drove 600 miles to attend the wedding. I wore lavender, which looks awful on me and looked awful on the other bridesmaids. Reception was nothing but cake and punch and mints. As my formative wedding years had been spent going to big Catholic shebangs that started with an open bar at 5, sit-down supper at 7, dancing until midnight, and then more food, I was stunned. And hungry.
June 25th, 2009 at 10:52 am
In the interests of fairness, I should point out that the college friend’s wedding wasn’t completely lacking in hospitality. We all camped out at her grandmother’s house and grandma fed us supper and breakfast. But a two-hour cake reception? I had never heard of such a thing.
June 25th, 2009 at 10:55 am
Our mishap was amusing and minor. We had an “iPod reception,” and we thought it would be funny for the bridal party to enter the reception hall to the strains of the Imperial March. Instead, there was silence as we were announced. No biggie, right?
Cut to the First Dance. Husband and I take our places, nod to our friend who’s being MC and iPod jockey, and suddenly John Williams’ darksome theme erupts from the speakers!
June 25th, 2009 at 12:40 pm
At a Roman Catholic wedding in the South, the dear but witless bride invited my wife and me to serve as eucharistic ministers. For the unfortunates who “don’t do church,” that means we were to give sips of wine from silver goblets to the members of the congregation, during the Holy Communion part of the wedding. Anyway, at the rehearsal the night before, the priest thought he would get away with “I’m sure we do it just the same as at your home church.” Well I said I wasn’t sure, since we’re Episcopalian. The poor gentleman went all white and I thought we were really busted, but he didn’t fire us from the ceremony. Still, as the non-elect, we of course weren’t allowed to share in the Communion ourselves, so there we were serving but not partaking. How crazy is that? They were divorced within six weeks.
June 25th, 2009 at 1:22 pm
Hardly on the same scale as some of these disasters (I’ll save my rant about people who abandon their guests for ages because it’s more important for them to get their pictures taken for another day), but I do have this to say about bridesmaids in black, based on my experience: A woman in white, standing at a candlelit altar, entirely surrounded by people dressed in black, tends to suggest less “happy, festive occasion” and more “black mass.” Which is cool, if that’s what you’re going for.
Also, if you, as a guest want to take pictures of this with your digital camera, you really should turn off the little red targeting light (or whatever that is), or said bride is also going to look like she is about to come under sniper fire.
.
On a cheerier and still photo-related note, I did enjoy the scene at one friend’s outdoor wedding, where the black-clad photographers tried to stay discreet by ducking from tree to tree, giving the impression that the wedding couple was being stalked by camera-wielding ninjas.
June 25th, 2009 at 1:32 pm
First off – love the blog. Second, I’ve got two wedding horror stories. One – at my father’s third wedding, (I was 16) his brother who is an alcoholic on Antabuse, but decided to get totally smashed. Midway through reception, he collapses and starts seizing on the dance floor. My father’s new wife runs screaming out of the room “he ruined my wedding” and locks herself in the bathroom. “Floor – please swallow me.” Two – at a wedding a few years back, very fancy yacht club shindig, father of bride was former navy captain, groom starts reciting his vows in an Elvis voice. AN ELVIS VOICE. I thought her dad was going to jump up and throttle him right then and there.
June 25th, 2009 at 2:49 pm
Elvis the Groom wins.
June 25th, 2009 at 3:03 pm
My beagles served as flowergirl and ringbearer. They wore little outfits and were fully expected to behave badly. My sister had been charged with exercising them prior to the afternoon ceremony so that they would be calmer, but she didn’t. The bridal party was an hour late due to a mix up at the hairdressers but we served punch and cookies so that no one would freak out. The dogs didn’t see me until we had lined up for the processional. On the video you can see Max, my ringbearer, look back spot me and start howling. Gidget next to him doesn’t know why he is howling but joins in just because. But what is actually loudest on the tape is my hysterical laughter. The dogs were so amped that the bridesmaids walking them down the aisle had to hold on with both hands and lean back so that the dogs didn’t knock them off their feet. They howled all the way until they were escorted outside.
June 25th, 2009 at 4:25 pm
I remembered another wedding–my cousin’s, when all the music for the ceremony (in a church) was provided by a boombox. And the bride kept running over to turn it on and off.
June 25th, 2009 at 4:46 pm
jentlejen, your story made me laugh out loud. I can only imagine the disaster that would ensue if I attempted to put my dog in a wedding party. Sadly, I have no shocking or amusing wedding stories to share. I’ve been to plenty of weddings; I just don’t recall anything particularly shocking or funny happening at any of them.
June 25th, 2009 at 5:01 pm
I am trying valiantly NOT to remember my first wedding, which was filled with such horrors as my parents dumping handling the caterers on me two hours before the ceremony and a tantrum from my older sister in the middle of the ceremony. Since I have my second (and all the gods willing LAST) wedding coming up, I’m hoping that my mother and sister got their crazy out of their system the first time.
I wouldn’t call it funny, but in the horrifying-narcissism-of-the-new-generations category, I once witnessed a best man toast where the best man proceeded to talk about himself for the course of the toast.
June 25th, 2009 at 10:28 pm
1. My sister’s first wedding: she married a guy from Queens who was in the Navy. His buddies from Queens were his groomsmen. The bridesmaids were all from Connecticut, where the reception was held at a country club (we were not members). Groomsmen decided to re-enact most of Caddyshack and stole a golf cart, leaving the bridesmaids and bride to sit there with our thumbs up our butts getting sunburned and hungry waiting for them to come take the damn pictures. Oh, and all their girlfriends literally waited on them whenever food was served. One even cut up his meat for him. One of the bridesmaids had to use prescription antiperspirant, which only worked if you put it on the night before. She went out and got trashed the night before, passed out and forgot to put it on. Did I mention we were wearing coral matte satin (with butt bows) and it was August? She stuffed paper towels under her arms, but still soaked her dress. My brother wound up making out with one of the other bridesmaids in the laundry room of my parents’ house later. I caught the bouquet (it was heading straight for my head), and the most obnoxious groomsman caught the garter. I clamped my knees shut, gritted my teeth and let him put it on me. The garter didn’t get very far, but the marriage lasted longer than the groomsman did — he drank himself to death within five years. The priest who married them kept going on and on and on during the mass about the groom’s brother, who is a firefighter with the FDNY (it was already a full-metal Catholic wedding mass, and since I was MOH, I had to kneel the whole time, which meant I did *not* appreciate delays). About 15 years later, the priest got busted for child molestation — and he used his police-special car, obtained through fishy channels due to his gig as a fire department chaplain, as a lure.
2. My older brother’s wedding took place about 3-1/2 weeks after my father died, and the families had not met each other, nor had my family met the bride. The only person from the bride’s side of the family who mentioned my father’s death was her father, who was kind of estranged from the family. But my side of the family was instructed not to upset her sister, who was very upset that Jerry Garcia had died (a day after my father had). Granted, our relationship with Dad was problematic, but Southerners are supposed to have such good manners. You’d think a word of condolence would be in order. The reception was deadly dull, mostly because my brother and SIL’s friends, for the most part, were deadly dull. The only people dancing were my family and the bridal party, and when I say “my family,” I include my sexagenarian aunts, a nun and a former nun, who gamely did the electric slide with the DJ’s pregnant wife. The most exciting thing that happened at the wedding — at which there were no single men other than my brothers, despite taking place at an Army base — was when we all looked up and saw my newly-widowed mother fingering a guy’s nipple ring. The most exciting thing that happened *after* the wedding, after we’d gotten finished congratulating ourselves on how much less dysfunctional we were than the bride’s family, was that my twin brothers got into a fight in the hotel. They not only broke a mirror, but one got pissed off and called the cops, who hauled both of them away when they found out the complainant had thrown the first punch. The aunts never knew, even though they ran into the twins at the airport after they were released from the Tacoma lockup looking a little worse for wear.
3. A friend from law school had been engaged, planned a wedding, gotten gifts, had the bridal shower and bachelorette party — and then, less than a week before teh wedding, the groom confessed he was gay. His family knew, and were pushing him into marriage to “cure” him. In retrospect, my friend said she should have known something was up when the groom’s mother and sisters gave her really naughty lingerie — and I mean *really* naughty. She got to keep the gifts.
June 26th, 2009 at 12:19 am
Oh eek, Zuzu wins. That’s just a trifecta of awful
June 26th, 2009 at 1:12 am
Yep, zuzu, yikes!
June 26th, 2009 at 2:06 pm
LOL at the camera-wielding ninjas :D
My most cringe-worthy wedding moment was last summer, when I was MOH for a friend…one of the groomsmen was a recently-laid-off, recently-dumped NYC financial type who firmly believed that the “best defense is a good offense”. He spent most of the reception drinking as heavily as his liver would allow and making spiteful comments about my and my then-boyfriend’s jobs as consultants for the federal government (essentially implying that we were right-wing-nuts and W groupies – still not sure how he came to that conclusion). The final straw was when he looked askance at me in my taffeta strapless ballgown (in May, mind you) and commented on my “guns”. Fortunately then-bf had gotten frustrated enough by the whole event that he had already left, or there might have been some punches thrown!
June 26th, 2009 at 4:24 pm
Question: Do all the deranged MILs who wear white to their sons’ weddings realize they are telling the entire world, “I WANT TO HAVE SEX WITH MY SON!”
Because that’s what they’re doing.
My wedding moment was just before MY wedding, when the groom was getting dressed. He’d been in and out of those breeches all summer long as I was fitting them and busily adding silver lace and pearls and many, many matching pearl-headed buttons to button up the breeches.
Every. Single. Pearl. Head. Pulled off every single button. Leaving the groom in completely buttonless breeches, moments before we were supposed to get married. Fortunately, some sturdy, well-hidden safety pins saved the day, but it was an Awful Moment for me. Plus, I was pissed – the sewing held, it was the buttons that broke!
KS: What was the deal, was he afraid you were going to shoot your guns at him? And bad form to the BF for abandoning you.
RoseCampion: You’re a better woman than I am. I would have told that woman in front of all the guests WHY I didn’t want her children there – and that I hadn’t wanted HER there, either.
Yes, Zuzu wins, btw. At least your friend found out BEFORE the wedding!
June 26th, 2009 at 8:12 pm
The only wedding I’ve been to was lots of fun; the only thing that stands out was the father of the groom wearing a white suit with a sparkly beaded vest. But then, this is a man who changed his name to “Tree” in the 70s, so I guess we should be thankful that’s the worst he came up with.
Also, a note: outdoor weddings are fun, dancing the hora is fun, but dancing the hora on a grassy slope does not work out as well as one might think. I almost sprained my ankle and I definitely saw a few other guests take tumbles, but we were all having fun and nobody was hurt.
June 27th, 2009 at 9:09 am
“At a Roman Catholic wedding in the South, the dear but witless bride invited my wife and me to serve as Eucharistic ministers.”
UM. Yeah. Because you actually have to go through training to be a LEM. Totally witless. Sweet, but witless.”
(Actually, I know Eric and his wife quite well and I know for a fact they are certified to be EMs…in the Anglican Communion!</p> –ed)
June 27th, 2009 at 9:46 pm
My cousin got married in July in Missouri. Guess what happens in June in Missouri? Yep, that’s right, haying.
All of the male attendants had, because they’d been throwing hay bales around, grown out of their tuxedos by, oh, about three inches. And they were sunburned.
And? She’d gotten sample-sized (8) gowns for the bridesmaids. Who ranged in size from a generous fourteen to a two. There was some corsetting and pinning goin’ on at that altar.
The best part, though, was the reception. My uncle is a dry drunk, so there was nothing stronger than lemonade. His favorite food is liver and onions, so there was nothing but that for food.
Husband-at-the-time and I made it to the nearest neighborhood bar that served cheap bar food before we collapsed in tears.
June 28th, 2009 at 10:21 am
I think my favorite moment at a wedding came last year at my sister’s. She had asked my son to be a ring bearer. Now he did his job perfectly. But the funny came right at the end. The minister did the “you may now kiss the bride bit” and my son, he facepalmed. Literally palm over face. And when the photographer asked them to re-enact it, my son repeated it. It was something we’ll be sure to bring up in the future.
June 29th, 2009 at 1:37 pm
It is really awful that I can say both my new MIL and SIL wore white dresses to my wedding?
And my new BIL (my SIL’s husband) didn’t bother to wear a suit. Oh no. He wore a Cannibal Corpse tee shirt with a pentagram on it. To a Christian wedding. And their 8 month old baby, wore nothing but a puke stained onesie. I mean, put the baby in a cute outfit. God knows I bought plenty for your baby shower, woman.
15 years later, and I get angry looking at those wedding photos. And yes, I’m still married to the man. I still put up with his mama too. And trust me, the white dress if the least of my problems these days with that woman.
June 29th, 2009 at 3:11 pm
Plumcake: I didn’t have to wait a year to tell my friend I didn’t like her husband–they didn’t even make it to a year. (And actually, I told her BEFORE the wedding and was disinvited for a while.)
June 29th, 2009 at 6:19 pm
“EMs…in the Anglican Communion!”
Ed — OK, this is where my very limited theological knowledge fails me. (I spend a lot of my time at church gritting my teeth and wondering why the Protestants get all the good music — you know, the important stuff!) If you are a LEM in the Episcopal church, will the Catholic priest let you serve at a Catholic wedding? I would think maybe so, seeing as the priest who did our wedding was willing to let my husband, who is ELCA Lutheran, take communion if my husband wished to do so. (He did not.) That was something that was at the discretion of the priest; I am wondering if the EM stuff would be as well.
We had our wedding at my husband’s church with his pastor co-officiating. When I asked Fr Tim about it, saying I thought the ceremony had to be in a Catholic church, he said, “It has to be where I say it has to be.”
Ah, power!
June 29th, 2009 at 6:28 pm
Ed- I realize my question is completely off topic! Please feel no obligation to answer it!
June 29th, 2009 at 7:54 pm
All right…First story comes from a friend. The MOG wore black to the wedding, complete with large black hat and veil. She told every one she was in mourning. The sister of the groom wore a white dress that looked very similar to the brides dress. Both women proceeded to trash the bride every chance they got.
2nd wedding: My dear best friend married the man of her dreams last year. Favorite moments from the entire weekend; the minister yelling (yes YELLING) at us during rehearsal that NOT ONE MEMBER OF THE WEDDING PARTY WILL DRINK ALCOHOL BEFORE THE WEDDING! And if he smelled alcohol on anyone’s breath, that person would be kicked out of the wedding, even if that person was the bride or groom (not sure how the ceremony would go…) and we’d better not go behind the dumpster to drink either (who does that?). Day of the wedding…Sign in the church pointed out that the bathrooms were downstairs. Problem…stairs led to bride’s dressing room. Even with the MOH poised at the top of the stairs, multiple guests saw the bride’s panties! One of the bride’s aunts became quite angry she couldn’t use the bathroom (she was pointed to the alternate restrooms, but refused to use them) and threatened to return her present to the bride and groom. Also, one of the bridesmaids is physically disabled and on crutches. During the rehearsal, my friend practiced going down the aisle to make sure she could do it without any problems. Day of the wedding, the MOB rolls out a runner that NO ONE had ever seen before and my friend had a heck of a time trying to walk/slide down the aisle.
June 30th, 2009 at 12:02 pm
A month after we got married, my husband and I went to his cousin’s wedding. We expected it to be the antithesis of ours but were surprised nonetheless.
First: 30 attendants. Seriously. 15 bridesmaids, 15 groomsmen, and assorted children on top of that. Each attendant couple came sloooooowly down the aisle, to slightly off-key organ music. The ceremony lasted about 45 minutes and 25 of that, easy, was this.
At the reception, the bride’s family members started essentially standing in line to ask me if I was pregnant. We’d been married three weeks, so even if we had promptly started trying to get pregnant I wouldn’t know yet. Also we’d been living together for four years before getting married. I lost track of how many times I was asked about my womb’s status.
I am a recovering alcoholic, and had to argue – literally, argue – with an uncle for ten minutes when he insisted on fetching our drinks but would not accept my request for plain tonic. “But with gin, right? No? Okay, vodka then!” Me: “I WILL GET MY OWN DRINK THANKS.” Him: “Wow, no need to be TOUCHY.”
The bride did not arrive at the reception for well over an hour – apparently she was sobbing because the hem of her gown got muddy at some point, and this delayed the pictures. We were all starving when the wedding party finally got there.
My husband, his parents, and I were seated with the bride’s parents, at a supposedly desirable table. Right next to the speaker proving music for an enormous reception hall. We couldn’t hear each other speak, and communicated via signs for two hours.
The best man’s toast was all about how he and the groom and their buddies went to Mexico and you could tell that the groom was really in love with his future bride because he didn’t do anything with the Mexican prostitutes. Swear to God. All the other toasts and the MC’s patter were all sexist jokes from the 1950’s, essentially about how now she can withhold sex if he doesn’t give her enough spending money. The bride, BTW, has a job, and it brings in more money than her husband’s.
July 15th, 2009 at 5:49 pm
Those are all good stories. My friend told me her disaster story of the wedding cake collapsing. She told me the marriage did too.
July 22nd, 2009 at 7:32 am
one wedding i attend, i don’t know the accessories to have then i choose the cuff links given by a friend. i am happy noone notice the design of the cufflinks, i accidentaly wear the male organ design one as my accessory. hahaha