Things are looking up. I’m not sure why. I don’t really have a good friend here. But I have started emailing and calling old friends from far away more. I have good intentions, that I haven’t followed through on, to go visit them. Just me. No kids, no husband. So that we can catch up, and really talk. I also have been trying around here. There are some really nice people in the area. They’re also really busy, but one of my neighbors has started taking classes near where I work. I pass her on the sidewalk every now and then, near lunchtime, and one day emailed her that maybe we should meet for coffee or lunch. And we do! We’ve met twice now – without families, etc. And work is more fun now – I’m enjoying it again the way I used to. Teenagers are not always the best for you when you’re having trouble feeling good about yourself (did you know you don’t know ANYTHING? And that your remark just ruined her DAY?!), but even that is looking up. They’re pretty good kids and have been the whole time.

So I’m not sure where this post is going, but I guess I just mean to tell you, L, that things do look up. Sometimes not even because of anything you do. But I guess I also want to say that maybe you should check out your friends who are married with kids. I’m 45, and at 35 or 40 I didn’t have time to keep a friendship going outside of work. I have one special friend who forced me to keep that friendship going long distance – and I value that so much. But, if I lived near you, at this point in my life, I’m looking for friendship. I’d be interested in getting together at lunch, and sometimes on weekends. And I bet I’m not the only one. All that you’re doing to try to make connections – that’s good, and one of them will pay off.

I also think that writing down why you’re unhappy – like you did – can be useful. Sometimes it dragged me farther down, but often, I felt a little relieved afterwards – as though I had just talked it over with someone.

And I actually love this online community – even though I never see these people and barely ever post. Maybe that’s why I read this blog regularly even though I’m not a big girl.

Reading back on this, it looks tremendously depressing. I’m actually a fairly upbeat person, usually. So I guess this is also to say that many of us only sporadically have it all together. And that appearances only tell a very small part of the story (Hmm., maybe that’s why I like this blog so much!)

So keep writing us. And tell us how it is going. I know I’m thinking about you.

Muchos love from all of us in the MftBG community, I know we are all hoping for the best for you, because we are all at different places on the same journey, and somehow we are all going to get through it.

But you ARE here now. How wonderful! I have no advice. The Francesca, she has the fabulous advice.

I am older than you and am in no way together. Who said you are supposed to be ‘together’ anyway? 40 is so young! I believe in the following to feel better:

1. Accessories.
2. Long walks
3. Kittens
4. Nail polish (Can you find me that pretty mint green shade Chanel is doing this fall? That would get you out and about.)
5. Any movie that has Fred Astaire in it
6. Anything that has kahlua in it.
7. Football games
8. Architecture tours
9. Taking a class on something fun, like learning to make sushi or pasta or bartending or
10. Gold lame. It is impossible to be sad in Gold lame.
11. Martini glasses. Aren’t they awesome? I suggest midori, sprite, and a cherry.

Be well, Dear L. The right relationships will come to you in time. I hope that’s soon.

I would like to know more about the “Understanding Yourself and Others” events. To my surprise, I might be ready for something like that. But from the outside, it seems a little cultish. Would you tell us more about it?

Thanks!

I had a fairly hellishly lonely year last year, partly because of this. I was very busy, and far away from my friends who were also all paired up. I knew some people nearby but they were also extremely busy. I kept thinking, “I have no friends!” But the fact is that I did have friends, just not in the way I had had before. On the one hand, I started planning visits to see my friends who were far away, and making a point of seeing them when they stopped through town. On the other, I started inviting people to do things and explicitly telling people to invite me regardless of whether I seem busy. It is awkward to have someone say “no” but it is far, far worse to constantly stop yourself from asking by thinking “they will not want to”.

Also: there were people I knew, but had not been terribly good friends with in the past. I thought it would be awkward to reach out to them, and suggest going to movies as a group or something. I ended up ignoring the awkwardness and it paid off.

So don’t let yourself think that you don’t have friends, just because the faces around you have changed! Your “old” friends still count! And even if you are not bosum buddies yet with the ones who live nearby, that can change.

Even if you aren’t in New England we can still make friends… it’s nice to have people in similar life circumstances to discuss life, clothes, movies, books, shoes, dinner, and such with.

Wish you the best.

Melissa

It’s also okay to accept that once in a while you’re going to feel crappy and let yourself feel that way. Take stock of whether it’s a blue day once in a while or whether it’s an ongoing pattern that’s making it difficult for you to keep up with your job, your friendships, or your self-care. My guess is that if you’re eating well, getting regular exercise, and kicking butt on the job, then this is residual grief and current frustration with being unwillingly alone. If you aren’t sure or my guess feels off, then by all means consult a doctor or a therapist and see what they can do for you.

Do I have it together? Most of the time. The fact is, though, that nobody anywhere in any circumstances has it completely together all the time. And I still once or twice a year have a long cry over the fact that my mother is dead. Come February, it will have been twenty years. There are still times when it still cuts me like a knife.

You might also consider adding an activity to your life that brings you in contact with more single people. After all, you say that the fact that most of your friends are married is contributing to your feeling lonely. Will you find love this way? Maybe. Even if you don’t, though, you’ll meet other people who share your interests without partners. Just knowing that someone else who’s single is finding the joy in life might be helpful.

Whatever works for you, know that we’re here and we care. We also think you’re superfantastic. So there.