You do make things difficult for me sometimes, you know, what with all of you being so very clever and brimful of pith. and yet, that is the very reason I so adore this readership.
Last week I presented you with this bizarre and frankly disturbing image:
…and you produced some truly gut-busting captions for it.
Alas, I usually only pick one winner, but this week I find myself utterly flummoxed as to which one to choose. Instead, I declare a three-way tie. I shall announce them in the order in which they posted their deathless bits of prose.
The first is the luscious klee for this season-appropriate masterpiece:
Martha Stewarts’s monday delivery of cupcakes and human sacrifices arrives on schedule
The second is our own sparkly gemdiva for this ode to two of my favorite reality show treats:
This week “Project Runway” joins with “Food Network Challenge” to bring you one the toughest runway contests to date.
And last, but by no means least, is the beautiful and bountiful Margo for this ode to Opposite World:
Karl Lagerfield’s new line gets rolled out in Paris, as the designer announces plans to open up a Chanel snack bar and clothing lines to size 26. “We want to celebrate every size,” says Karl, munching on a donut, “and make things that give people pleasure.”
Congratulations to all three of you, and many, many thanks to everyone who played. You are all superfantastic.
Francesca wishes to remind you to wash your makeup brushes.
Here is how Francesca does it:
1. Lay out a towel or washcloth, with one end rolled up so that you can lay the brushes on it at an angle.
2. Spray each brush with an anti-bacterial spray such as Sephora’s Daily Brush Cleaner and gently wipe off any excess makeup onto a paper towel. (You should be doing this on a regular basis anyway).
3. Fill a bowl, cup, or basin with lukewarm water and a little shampoo (not a harsh soap. Baby shampoo is best)
4. Take each brush and swish the bristles in the soapy water. Then gently rub the shampoo-ey water into the innermost bristles, and rinse the bristles under the tap.
5. If the water gets very dirty, replace it.
6. Lay each brush down on the towel in such a way that the bristles are lower than the handle. This way, the water will drip out of the brush, not into the handle. You do not want rusty handles!
7. Air dry and enjoy.
First and foremost, I find villainesses are a deeply misunderstood species.
Like, sometimes you’ve had a hard year. Let’s say you’ve had problems with your convertible and your brother’s been sick and the men in your life are making you insane because you are just. one. woman and do not have TIME to deal with all their CRAZY GUY STUFF because it is NOT YOUR FAULT they have the emotional availability of a lobotomized he-goat and after a certain point you just need to unwind and spend a little “you” time.
Maybe it’s yoga, maybe it’s Ladies Night at Red’s Indoor Range and maybe it’s commissioning a new piece of outerwear. No judgment here. And let’s say you’re a green kinda gal, you decide NOT to destroy the planet by getting some polyester or nylon nightmare and instead opt for puppies which are PERFECTLY SUSTAINABLE RESOURCES and all of the sudden people are all up on your jock trying to run your convertible off the road, pestering your henchmen and writing unpleasant songs about your otherwise bitchin’ name. Do you KNOW how hard it is to find a good henchman in a recession? DO YOU?
ANYWAY, everyone knows the best characters are the villains and today we’re celebrating the five fiercest villainesses from the house that Walt built.
The Queen from Snow White, 1937
Still scary even when holding a cocktail, she’s the villainess who started it all. Please note the importance of a strong eyebrow arch. Villainesses know from birth what we all learn eventually: there is no more satisfying weapon than hauteur.
Maleficent from Sleeping Beauty, 1959
…unless it’s turning into a*%#$* DRAGON. Also note the importance of statement accessories, namely bitchin’ millinery and an evil-but-coordinating bird.
Lady Tremaine from Cinderella, 1950.
The most chinny of all the villainesses, La Tremaine knows to balance a prominent chin with big hair and large jewelry and, of course, locking her servants in mice-infested basements. It’s like lookin’ in a mirror.
Cruella DeVil from 101 Dalmatians,1961
I’m going to say one thing and one thing only: girlfriend was FRAMED.
Ursula from The Little Mermaid 1989
Ah, Ursula the Sea Witch, providing fat girls with a default costume since 1989. Proving once and for all big girl can go strapless with the right bone structure, hair, accessories and fundamental desire to crush the wills of all those around her.
Madame Medusa from The Rescuers, 1977
Totally underrated villainess from The Rescuers, all girlfriend wanted is a rock of her own and just ONE TEENSY KID gets dropped down a well and all of the sudden she’s the root of all evil. I had to post the picture of her in a turban applying false lashes because, well, we’ve all been there, but Madame Medusa was the first Disney villainess brave enough to prove that gingers actually CAN wear red.
Yzma from The Emperor’s New Groove, 2000
EARTHA MUTHA*^&%ING KITT, Y’ALL! This woman is my everything. Fabulous gowns, a hot-but-dim boytoy and a SECRET LAB WITH A ROLLER COASTER.
The Ninth Gate, 2000
One good Polanski flick deserves another, so this one is for you Johnny Depp fans, bibliophiles, Francophiles and anyone who likes a heaping helping of style with their scary substance. Moderately panned when it premiered (it’s not as a good as Rosemary’s Baby, blah blah blah.) The Ninth Gate –based on Arturo Pérez-Reverte’s novel The Club Dumas– is my sleeper pick of the week. Depp plays a mercenary antique book dealer who stumbles into a rare folio of dooooom, DOOOOOOM (okay, really it’s a book that shows you how to unleash the powers of Satan or something).
It’s dark, smarter than the Tim Burton flicks Depp’s been doing recently and super sexy. Nothin’ wrong with that.
Francesca gets all the email and newsletters, so you don’t have to!
Just My Size is having a huge 25% off sale through November 8. What say you about this red organza blouse? Francesca cannot decide whether it is holiday-perfect or God-awful. Perhaps it depends on the person, the party, and the geographical region? Francesca is thinking that lighting matters here. Thoughts? Anyhow, see also their sales on bras, minimizers, swimwear, and hosiery.
Bigger Bras is offering two different coupons (use one or the other): For 25% off purchases of $100 or more, use code 25togo (offer good today and tomorrow). OR, for free U.S. shipping on orders of $25 or more, use code freeship (expires December 29!)
Old Navy wants you to know that they have dresses starting at $20, though Francesca also sees on the same page some cute ones starting at $12.99. Also a nice collection of knee-length denim skirts, and sweaters for fall.
Donna Ricco wants you to see their new dresses. Click here to go straight to plus sizes.
NorthStyle wishes you to check out their sale and clearance page.
Chico’s wants you to see their clothes to wear to holiday parties.
CJ Banks is having a 25% off sale on outerwear, online only.
Junonia will take 31% off all black apparel through tomorrow night! A search on their website for “black” turned up 272 items. See them here.