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Oh Hell No: Top 10 Cities for Cellulite | Manolo for the Big Girl

Oh Hell No: Top 10 Cities for Cellulite

Are you freaking kidding me?

MSNBC just released a list of top ten cities for cellulite.

Oh yes they did.

We’re in a prolonged war, our economy has not just screwed the pooch but has in fact made sweet canine love to the entire extended cast of Lady and the Tramp, there’s an influenza epidemic on the rise (although I’ve had The Ham,  it wasn’t worse than any other flu), Muammar al-Gaddafi is STILL rocking that bad perm, a whole hell of a lot of people are losing their jobs and not finding new ones and this, THIS is what the “leader in breaking news, video and original journalism” chooses to publish?


Don’t even get me started on the idea that it’s from some place that calls itself Total Beauty,  I’m too close to my vacation to pop a blood vessel in my eye.

Women have cellulite. We just do.

I’ve had it forever; I don’t need to be told gravely “There is no cure for cellulite”.

We don’t NEED a cure for cellulite; we need a cure for cancer.

We need a cure for Alzheimer’s and AIDS and for people who have stupid ringtones and never put their phones on silent thus forcing me to listen to the first 10 seconds of the Sex in the City mambo over and over and OVER again even though the last time the phone-holder in question had sex Sarah Jessica Parker still had her original nose and people actually thought Matthew Broderick was straight (hahahaha, I kid. No one’s ever thought Matthew Broderick was straight).

The thing that bothers me about this, is not that it’s just a stupid waste of news but it’s overtly sexist. I mean take the blurb about Birmingham, Alabama which according to MSNBC has the most cellulite in the country:

“The biggest city in Alabama is home to more women than men (the second highest female to male ratio in the U.S.), which means one thing: more cellulite”


YES, that’s the ONE THING it means.

It couldn’t possibly be indicative of legitimate social problems, like in a city that’s nearly 75% African-American with one of the highest poverty rates in the nation (some 2007 numbers show well over 20% and that was before our economy went tits up) black men –whose average life expectancy according to census reports is more than 10 years shorter than the average white woman– are dying young or leaving for employment and greener pastures.

It couldn’t possibly mean that people in the 46th poorest state in the nation don’t have access to proper nutrition and have to survive on low-value foods, or that schools don’t have the money for gymnasiums and after-school sports.

No, it’s got to mean  ZOMG!!1! the city is overrun by lumpy thighs and THAT is what’s truly newsworthy, because why address actual social issues when we can make women feel bad about themselves? Bite me, MSNBC, go ahead, pull up a chair and take a big ole chomp. I won’t say where, because I’m a lady, but you can be damn sure it’s dimpled.

If you want to promote social justice and wellness in Birmingham, take a look at these charities. They all have received top ratings from charitynavigator.org, so you can be confident you’ll get the most bang for your philanthropic buck.

United Way of Central Alabama
Cornerstone Schools of Central Alabama (my favorite)
Boys and Girls Club of Central Alabama
Habitat for Humanity for Greater Birmingham

19 Responses to “Oh Hell No: Top 10 Cities for Cellulite”

  1. Miriam October 8, 2009 at 1:02 pm #

    Holy frack!

    Um, I am a smaller girl. I have been close to underweight. I have always had cellulite. Who the hell freaking has the time to care about this?

  2. gemdiva October 8, 2009 at 1:17 pm #

    Plummy, couldn’t even have come close to saying it better myself. This country and the 24 hour news media pundits in particular, need to keep their beady little eyes on the ball and stop distracting people from real issues with stories that aspire one day to be considered minutiae.

  3. Jean October 8, 2009 at 1:23 pm #

    I have just three letters: WTF??

  4. Barthway October 8, 2009 at 1:40 pm #

    This is one of your best rants ever. WTF indeed!

  5. Jennifer October 8, 2009 at 2:00 pm #

    You know, you make a good point. I’d rather be the most wrinkley, dented person on the face of the planet if it meant I could take back the 5+ years of watching my grandmother wither, unable to recognize those around her let alone know her own name, due to Alzheimer’s.

  6. Jane October 8, 2009 at 2:17 pm #

    Plumcake, you ROCK like Gibraltar.

  7. theChad October 8, 2009 at 3:20 pm #

    I took the opportunity to comment on their newsvine thingy.

  8. Susan October 8, 2009 at 5:01 pm #

    That was one world-class rant, Plumcake. Please tell me you forwarded the whole thing to NBC . . .

  9. Margo October 8, 2009 at 5:03 pm #

    To quote Kaz Cooke, “Cellulite is French for marketing opportunity”. It’s got no medical basis, it’s just a word some ad exec came up with to sell up more rubbish.

  10. Harri P. October 8, 2009 at 5:07 pm #

    You’re the best, Plumerino.

  11. klee October 8, 2009 at 5:54 pm #

    Thank you, Plumcake. This rebuttal/rant should be on the cover of the New York Times.

  12. daisyj October 9, 2009 at 12:01 am #

    I’d like to punch someone over this. Who should I punch?

  13. class factotum October 9, 2009 at 9:57 am #

    Doesn’t the French medical system cover treatment for cellulite?

    But they also have ashtrays in the ER, so there you go.

  14. slownews October 9, 2009 at 11:32 am #

    Brilliant. Should go everywhere: change.org, salon.com, time.com, nytimes.com, and make those pathetic NBC execs QUAKE.

  15. Lisa October 9, 2009 at 6:22 pm #

    I would respond, but I am too busy worrying about my cellulite and considering THE LAP BAND and thinking about MY FREE CREDIT SCORE to do so. After all, it’s important to keep up with all the ways I fail.

    Way to roll, Plummy. We do need a cure for cancer. And we need a cure for people who can’t see the real human suffering, as well the potential, in Birmingham.

  16. g-dog October 11, 2009 at 6:24 pm #

    “Bite me, MSNBC, go ahead, pull up a chair and take a big ole chomp. I won’t say where, because I’m a lady, but you can be damn sure it’s dimpled.” Hahahahaha! That is such a good line – it should be a on a plaque or pillow or otherwise immortalized.
    Unrelated question – I understand OMG, what’s “ZOMG”?

  17. g-dog October 11, 2009 at 6:25 pm #

    BTW – who wants to take bets on the next horrible epidemic? My guess is stretch marks….

  18. De October 12, 2009 at 11:54 pm #

    I have shared this all over Facebook and want to make a t-shirt that says “we don’t need a cure for cellulite, we need a cure for cancer”…..

  19. John Renova December 15, 2009 at 7:31 pm #

    With the extreme marketing of creams on TV and in Magazines, you have to be asking yourself what will actually work. Wondering if a cellulite cream will work is one of the most common questions that a woman will ask if she is having problems with cellulite.