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Is this thing on? | Manolo for the Big Girl

Is this thing on?

Dear Rain,

It’s not that I don’t like you.

I enjoyed those four days last month when you made an appearance after months of drought and let me commune with my inner Englishman by standing ankle deep in mud and threatening things with a trowel (this is, of course, the proverbial Inner Englishman as the literal Inner Englishman was kicked to the kerb years ago when he tried to give me the chlams (p.s., you’re not a filmmaker if you’ve never made a film, your haircut actually DID look stupid and in your case, what with the total absence of technique or stamina, size really does matter))

ANYHOOetc.

That being said, Rain, some things –like Botox and aggravated assault— really ought to be enjoyed in moderation. That includes you, and I don’t feel I’m being unreasonable when I say you made a bit too much of yourself during my vacation.

I didn’t complain when you rained the morning I departed, liberally dousing my dog so I had to drive 300 miles to my brother’s place with a soggy Shar Pei, whose many positive qualities do not include emitting a springtime freshness when moistened.

dozer in older, drier times

I didn’t complain when you blurred my vision so I missed my off ramp and accidentally wound up in Oklahoma, which led me to pulling into the first rest stop and having several not-inconsiderable fits because Oklahoma and I have a difference of opinion on many important subjects, including, but not limited to, woodland creatures and their relative position to my speeding car.

I didn’t utter a peep when you made me drive 55 all the way through Texarkana, putting me three hours behind schedule, thus ensuring I’d miss the cornmeal-dredged poem that is the catfish at Perry’s Motel in Lonoke, Arkansas, which is the ONLY reason I drive to Nashville instead of flying, nor did I say anything when that same delay put me into Nashville well after Whitt’s Barbecue –the only ‘cue I’ll ever really love– had closed and wouldn’t reopen during my stay.

'Cue the way the Lord intended it

And when I drove through the Smokies at 4 a.m. in a heavy drizzle BECAUSE CLEARLY IT WASN’T SMOKY ENOUGH AS IT WAS, I shook my fist, but that was it. Mostly because I needed two hands to grip the wheel since I don’t have the laissez-faire attitude towards life seemingly required by the truckers of the Eastern Seaboard.

But did you really need to soak my hammock?

My special hammock, employed only in times of great duress when for the good of myself and those around me, I need to lay myself down and silently stare at the ocean until I don’t want to kill people? What did my special hammock ever do to you? Or maybe you just don’t want me to be happy. Is that it, Rain?

Because I have news for you. I’m going to be happy anyway.

as happy as a pig in...Wellies
You rain on my special hammock?  FINE.

You make my dog smell like someone stuck a bag of Fritos under an old man’s armpit for a week? FINE.

You make my mascara run on the ONE DAY I WORE MAKEUP when I was chatting up the cute-but-dim boy from the fishmonger’s who would’ve made a VERY NICE DIVERSION during my first proper vacation in five years (although we both know I wouldn’t have gone there since I’m not that type of girl and it’s very possible he was Quite Young). FINE.

steamed shrimp

I DON’T CARE, RAIN.

I was on vacation and NOT at work and NOT wearing shoes and NOT waxing or plucking or drawing or contouring or powdering ANYTHING. I watched TELEVISION and ate shrimp and made friends with a guy who told me all about ‘nam and then named a ship in a painting after me AND YOU CANNOT TAKE THAT AWAY FROM ME, RAIN.

DON’T EVEN TRY.

9 Responses to “Is this thing on?”

  1. Diana October 21, 2009 at 5:52 pm #

    LOL! I too have been having an adversarial relationship with precipitation. But be light of heart; the sun will surely shine!

  2. KES October 21, 2009 at 8:54 pm #

    I literally and truly laughed out loud (good deep belly laughs) and then read this in its entirety to my husband. Your excessive rain has resulted in sunshine in our house! :)

  3. Lisa October 21, 2009 at 10:42 pm #

    That dog is really cute.

    May your special hammock dry in good speed.

  4. raincoaster October 22, 2009 at 1:51 am #

    I’m trying not to take this personally…

  5. Leah October 22, 2009 at 2:28 am #

    Plummy I’m not sure I could ever let the rain get the best of me if I had a dog that cute, either.

  6. Twistie October 22, 2009 at 11:04 am #

    Hey Plummy, I’ll take your rain out here in California, including raincoaster if you don’t want her.

    I have neither a dog nor a hammock, so it would be perfectly safe and perhaps we could avoid further water rationing.

  7. mdegraffen October 22, 2009 at 12:38 pm #

    I also get nervous any time I go north of the Red River.

  8. class factotum October 22, 2009 at 1:57 pm #

    I can’t tell if you’ve returned or not, but if not, eat at The Cupboard and at Central BBQ in Memphis on your return trip. Oh, how I miss those places.

  9. Jen October 22, 2009 at 5:13 pm #

    I used to raise Shar-Pei with my family, and I have to say your puppy is adorable. I’ve been debating getting one again or not. This was my girl. http://i66.photobucket.com/albums/h259/jenbachand/Dog%20Stuffs/KatyinBoa.jpg

    And it’s true, they do not smell springtime fresh when wet. Though I had one once that smelled like corn tortillas.

    Sounds like your vacation turned out pretty good though. Glad you’re back safe & sound.