First and foremost, I find villainesses are a deeply misunderstood species.
Like, sometimes you’ve had a hard year. Let’s say you’ve had problems with your convertible and your brother’s been sick and the men in your life are making you insane because you are just. one. woman and do not have TIME to deal with all their CRAZY GUY STUFF because it is NOT YOUR FAULT they have the emotional availability of a lobotomized he-goat and after a certain point you just need to unwind and spend a little “you” time.
Maybe it’s yoga, maybe it’s Ladies Night at Red’s Indoor Range and maybe it’s commissioning a new piece of outerwear. No judgment here. And let’s say you’re a green kinda gal, you decide NOT to destroy the planet by getting some polyester or nylon nightmare and instead opt for puppies which are PERFECTLY SUSTAINABLE RESOURCES and all of the sudden people are all up on your jock trying to run your convertible off the road, pestering your henchmen and writing unpleasant songs about your otherwise bitchin’ name. Do you KNOW how hard it is to find a good henchman in a recession? DO YOU?
ANYWAY, everyone knows the best characters are the villains and today we’re celebrating the five fiercest villainesses from the house that Walt built.
The Queen from Snow White, 1937
Still scary even when holding a cocktail, she’s the villainess who started it all. Please note the importance of a strong eyebrow arch. Villainesses know from birth what we all learn eventually: there is no more satisfying weapon than hauteur.
Maleficent from Sleeping Beauty, 1959
…unless it’s turning into a*%#$* DRAGON. Also note the importance of statement accessories, namely bitchin’ millinery and an evil-but-coordinating bird.
Lady Tremaine from Cinderella, 1950.
The most chinny of all the villainesses, La Tremaine knows to balance a prominent chin with big hair and large jewelry and, of course, locking her servants in mice-infested basements. It’s like lookin’ in a mirror.
Cruella DeVil from 101 Dalmatians,1961
I’m going to say one thing and one thing only: girlfriend was FRAMED.
Ursula from The Little Mermaid 1989
Ah, Ursula the Sea Witch, providing fat girls with a default costume since 1989. Proving once and for all big girl can go strapless with the right bone structure, hair, accessories and fundamental desire to crush the wills of all those around her.
Madame Medusa from The Rescuers, 1977
Totally underrated villainess from The Rescuers, all girlfriend wanted is a rock of her own and just ONE TEENSY KID gets dropped down a well and all of the sudden she’s the root of all evil. I had to post the picture of her in a turban applying false lashes because, well, we’ve all been there, but Madame Medusa was the first Disney villainess brave enough to prove that gingers actually CAN wear red.
Yzma from The Emperor’s New Groove, 2000
EARTHA MUTHA*^&%ING KITT, Y’ALL! This woman is my everything. Fabulous gowns, a hot-but-dim boytoy and a SECRET LAB WITH A ROLLER COASTER.