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Manolo for the Big Girl | Archive | November, 2009
Archive - November, 2009

Monday Hotness: Ugly From The Front Edition

Y’all.  Oh. I..I am SO tired.

I don’t exactly know why –other than I don’t ever sleep and I don’t ever stop working and I maybe kind-of was SO tired that I SLEEP-SHOPPED yet another three scarves, a gold-plated snaffle bit PLUS a pair of riding boots (p.s., y’all knew that proper equestrian boots often come in wide calves up to 19″ right?) and God knows WHAT else although I seem to think I might have ordered a half-dozen pair of velvet riding trousers (time will tell whether they are all the SAME trouser or variations upon a theme) because apparently

OMG. What if I bought a horse? You can’t buy horses on the internet, right?  My credit card company would definitely call me if I tried to buy a horse on the internet.

It’s just like that time I got dumped by the One Man I’ll Ever Really Love Who Ended Up Marrying a German Amnesiac BUT I’M FINE WITH THAT NOW and I was so distressed that this lovely and legendary LA punk rock producer had to physically take away my check book because I was about to buy a 1965 Cadillac sight unseen from a guy at a club.

Yeah.

Anyway, I’m not at my best today and I feel that I am very close to Telling People Things They Need To Know About Themselves which, while entertaining, would probably get me fired from this and all other jobs and that –let’s face it– would be a bit problematic in re: paying for the three damn Hermès (Hermèses?) I just bought, so I’m just going to soothe myself with a little Lyle Lovett action.

As you might recall from last week, my lovely and delightful friends Randall and Donya Stockton –owners of many successful clubs you’re not allowed to go to because then I won’t be able to get a table and there are few things I find LESS endurable than not getting a table and it’s problematic enough what with them winning all these stupid awards— treated me to a Lyle Lovett concert at Bass Concert Hall on the University of Texas campus.

I do not like the University of Texas campus.

It’s big and scary and full of girls who don’t understand that if it’s warm enough to wear fleece booty shorts IT’S NOT COLD ENOUGH FOR FUR BOOTS.

Let me put it this way: the last person I saw at Bass Concert Hall was Victor Borge. Yeah.

SO, it takes more than a pretty face to get me onto that campus.

Lyle Lovett

See? I think he’s totally cute. I mean sure, technically he looks a bit like a deflated eggplant that’s well past the first blush of youth, but that doesn’t mean he’s not a hotness.

I remember being in middle school and people being scandalized that Julia Roberts had married some goofy-haired country singer and I just didn’t get it.wedding
I can see why she liked HIM but what’s the intrigue with America’s Sweetheart?

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I decided when I was going to start dating Texans that Lyle Lovett was the sort of Texan I was going to date.

That was of course before I realized he was an Aggie. Not that I really object to Aggies and they look awfully cute in their boots (p.s. there’s a bit of hotness to be found there, too.) but I just canNOT spend the rest of my natural life in maroon.

006-lyle-lovett

and besides, how could you NOT love a man who knows the importance of good haberdashery?

lyle lovett, with hats courtesy of http://www.michaelwilsonphotographer.com

After all, as Mr Lovett is famous for saying, “You can have my girl, but don’t touch my hat.”

From Francesca’s Inbox: Cyber Monday

Francesca has never heard of the “Cyber Monday” until this year, but whatever! The important thing is that the sales are ebbing down.

First, the Most Exciting Sale in Francesca’s opinion:

Sydney’s Closet will take 30% off your entire order of $99 or higher, with code THANKS09, ending tomorrow.  Wedding dresses here. Prom dresses here.

Francesca cannot emphasize enough: Even though it is now November, the June, it will come around again, with its proms, weddings, graduation parties, etc. If you are engaged, or graduating from high school, or have a family member or friend who will be hosting the formal bash this summer, you can save the monies by purchasing your outfit now, when you can get 30% off. All the wedding dresses here are from Sydney’s Closet. Francesca loves.

Always for Me will give you free shipping on orders of $75 or more today (within continental United States), with code earlybird75.

Ashley Stewart‘s entire site is 30% off. Francesca does not know when this ends. Their clothes are very good, and there are pretty accessories on sale here. Also today, online only, they are announcing different sales/discounts every three hours from 6 am – 9 pm EST.

Avenue will take 30% off your entire purchase today with code AV91158. This code also works at Jessica London.

Catherines‘  Holiday Madness saleicon ends tomorrow.

Evans “20% off Everything” ends today.

JC Penney is having a big “cyber sale.” Plus-size women’s apparel is here.

Peggy Lutz is having a huge sale in all departments (Couture, Classics, and Outlet) ending today.

Roaman’s will take 50% off your highest priced item today with code RD50%SALE

Shoe Mall will take 20% off your order today with code SHOEMALL. (Brands excluded: Camper, Ecco, Geox, Globe, Harley-Davidson, Minnetonka)

SWAK Designs has two codes for you, ending tomorrow: BF35 will take 35% off regularly-priced items, and BFSALE25 will take 25% off sale and clearance items. Their pashminas make a nice gift.

Torrid has taken 50% off clearance items, and is having a big Holiday sale. No ending date is specified. Francesca found Halloween costumes selling for under $17 in clearance, and cute accessories for the edgy teen or earnest tween girl here. Francesca’s pick for your 8th-grade niece: Betsey Johnson Betseyville tote bag on deep discount (or for you. Francesca harbors a deep, deep love for Betsey Johnson, since she herself was in 8th grade). Or play it safe with Twilight paraphernalia here.

Zaftique is holding the Holiday Clearance Sale through December 14.

Thanksgiving: Some Final Thoughts

Another Thanksgiving has come and gone. I sincerely hope yours was as good as mine. I sat around a table with people who ate without shame, enjoyed what they had, and stopped eating when they felt they’d had enough. Nobody commented on what anyone didn’t eat, either. We just shared good conversation, good food, and gratitude for lives filled with plenty.

Since that day, I’ve been merrily eating leftovers. Leftover potatoes (I made the Patrician ones I told you about…including an extra batch for the folks at the table who couldn’t have nuts), leftover macaroni salad, leftover cranberry relish, and leftover pumpkin pie. Delicious.

I know some of you probably didn’t have quite the shame-free holiday I did. To those, I say that it doesn’t have to be that way next year.

For a start, ignore articles like this one from Cosmo. You are an adult who is free to make her own choices as to what to eat. If you like dark meat and green bean casserole, go ahead and eat them. If you want the white meat and steamed veggies, go ahead and eat them. Me? I’ll have the dark meat and the steamed veggies. Why? Because those are the things I like best.

Second, avoid sitting down to dinner with people who shame you – particularly if they expect you to make all the goodies they don’t want you to eat. I know there are circumstances where it can’t be helped, but if that’s the case, minimize the time you spend with them. Practice telling them that you’re an adult free to make your own choices. Oh, and that if you’re not ‘allowed’ to eat, you’re not willing to cook. Sometimes a little emotional blackmail can go a long way.

Thirdly, if you don’t like the traditional meal, feel free to make your own tradition. Candied yams will never, ever appear on my table because I prefer my yams savory. If you and yours are vegetarians, why on earth would you roast a turkey? Hate cranberries? They’re a tradition, not a law. Feel free to give them the bum’s rush from your tabletop. And if what really makes you feel festive is Thai food, have it. Again, you’re an adult. You get to decide what to eat.

The point of the holiday is to appreciate the good things you have in your life. Food shame is a bad thing any way you slice it. Don’t make room at your table for self-loathing. It’s a lousy party guest.

Twistie’s Sunday Caption Madness: The Leftovers Edition: The Result

Wow. Just wow.

Last week I forced you all to view this image:

Chefs-food-fight-001 and you came up with nine hilarious captions for it. You referenced everything from Jackson Pollack to Gordon Ramsey to great effect.

Alas! There can be but one winner. This time the laurel goes to haeiley for catching me entirely off guard with this delightful caption:

The Scotch Guard test group was amazed that NOTHING would stain their chefs’ gear.

Congratulations, haeiley, and thanks to everyone who played!

Friday Fierceness: Plumcake’s Patron Saint

I seem to recall once upon a time lo those many years ago when I was but a mere babe in arms being called Miss Piggy as an insult. I’m sure THEY thought it was an insult but Miss Piggy has more style, substance and feminine wisdom in her naturally-curly little tail than most women do in their entire bodies.

She is smart, opinionated, glamorous beyond all decency and isn’t afraid to kick some ass. Who WOULDN’T love her?

Here are some of her quotes I live by:

The Divine Miss P

“There is only one gift you should accept on your first date – diamonds.”

“Never wash your hair with anything you’d hesitate to eat or drink.”

“Moi has always possessed a charm that is lethal to men.”

“There is the satisfaction of providing your public with a vision of true beautology, true sytlisity, – how can I put it? – true glamorositude.”

miss piggy and kermit

“Moi speaks body language fluently, although with a slight French accent.”

“The early bird gets the worm – which is what he deserves.”

“What if you were in Florida without your furs and there is a very quick little ice age?”

“How far should a girl go on the first date? Tucson. However, if you live in Texas, you can probably go a bit farther.”

Marc Jacobs picks out clothes for Miss Piggy

“You can eliminate a lot of calories by entirely cutting out things you hate.”

“Eat what you want, exercise your prerogative, and find a good plastic surgeon who gives frequent-flyer miles.”

“Beauty takes practice.”

Miss Piggy: Beyoncé before Beyoncé

“Never let your frog outdress you.”

“Beauty is in the eye of the beholder, and it may become necessary from time to time to give a stupid or misinformed beholder a black eye.”

Miss Piggy for President

RIGHT?!

True, it seems Miss Piggy has had a little work done but haven’t we all? It’s a gal’s prerogative, no?

From Francesca’s Inbox: Black Friday!

You are reading this in your pajamas, no, after eating way too much yesterday? You don’t REALLY wish to leave the house, do you? Have no fear, online sales are here. (And in-store, too, at the bottom.)

CLOTHES

Alight is having a Thanksgiving Sale. (Francesca doesn’t love the clothes, but to each her own.)

Catherines is having a Holiday Madness saleicon, through December 1. Francesca’s picks: Border print dress she highlighted earlier this week, and this cute velevet bucket cap (not necessarily together).

Chico’s will take 20% off your order with code 6755 through November 29.

Evans has taken 20% off all items through Monday. (It is a British store! Oh, the irony!)

Figleaves will take 25% off the price of select shapewear through Monday with code SHAPE. Qualifying brands include the popular Spanx, Body Wrap, and Miracle Suit. What Francesca uses.

Igigi has put everything on sale through Monday. Practically the whole site is a Francesca’s pick.

La Grande Dame has nighties at 50% off, while supplies last.

Roaman’s will take 25% off your order through November 29 with code RDTHANKS.

Silhouettes is having some sort of Silhouettes Special Black Friday event. Francesca does not know what it is, only that it is happening (she is writing this on Wednesday – that’s why she doesn’t know).

Sydney’s Closet will take 30% off your entire order of $99 or higher, with code THANKS09, through December 1st. Get your WEDDING DRESS 30% off. Prom dresses here. Francesca’s pick.

SWAK Designs has two codes for you, good through Tuesday: BF35 will take 35% off regularly-priced items, and BFSALE25 will take 25% off sale and clearance items. Their pashminas make a nice gift.

FRANCESCA SAYS:  Auuuugh! The WordPress keeps cutting off my post at this point! The Manolo Post-Saver Team is working mightily to make the rest of the post go live. Check again soon!

Raise Your Hand if You Think This is Realistic

According to the most healthy-seeming, reputable weight charts, at 5’1″ Francesca is “supposed” to weight between 106 – 132 pounds. At 132 pounds, her BMI would be exactly 25, the most which is considered “healthy” before moving into “overweight.”

For years Francesca has been trying to remember when she last weighed 132 pounds. She knew it was before college, because she remembers, in her first year of university, doing a Jane Fonda tape every day and being very excited to go down from 153 to 145 pounds. (When she graduated from college she weighed 162, and in the 14 years since has gone well over the 200-pound mark.)

Lo and behold, when Francesca visited her dear parents a few months ago, Mamman — who had been busily working on clearing the old home of unnecessary papers — handed Francesca a stack of old school report cards and lovingly asked Francesca to please remove them from the premises. Francesca dutifully took them home and filed them under “Nostalgia.”

This past weekend Francesca went through the report cards, and among them found copies of the school health records as well (proofs of immunizations, that sort of thing). According to the doctor’s report of 1987, Francesca at that point weighed 60 kilograms: exactly 132 pounds.

In other words, at the age of 37, Francesca is expected by her doctor, Weight Watchers, etc to recreate the body she had in tenth grade.

Society is full of people who wish they could fit into their prom dress, and the answer is usually that women are expected to gain weight as they age. The last time Francesca weighed 132 pounds, prom dresses looked like this:

1987 prom dresses

Francesca is intellectually honest. She knows she could take  better care of herself — exercise 4-5 times per week instead of 1-2 times, eat more fruits and vegetables, drink more water — and that if she did these things she would be much, much healthier (which is the point) and perhaps lose 10, 20, maybe even 30 pounds (which is beside the point). She would be stronger and better fortified, and still obese at 170-180 pounds. That would be plenty fine with her.

Go down to 132 pounds? Really? Who are we kidding? (Not Francesca, obviously.)

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