I am, as often mentioned, a very fair-skinned girl with very dark hair. Sure it’s all fun and games until seven short dudes want you to do their cleaning. I’m sorry, but I don’t care if you DID give me shelter from an evil queen, we have People For That.
It’s also problematic when it comes to hair maintenance.
Big girls, for some reason having to do with the hormones (there’s a real reason but I’m not googling “fat hairy girls” on my machine, no matter how much I love you all) tend to be more hirsute than the waif-types. Plus there’s more land to cover and if you’re tall like I am, sometimes I look down at the little tufts around my ankles and think “Geeze. That’s a long way down.”
The reason I’m talking about this today is last Saturday I laid the groundwork for the party season, hair-wise speaking and y’all…it took me ALL. DAMN. DAY. Now to be fair, I am the teensiest bit high maintenance, but not exceedingly. Most folks don’t do lashes, but I don’t do pedicures, manicures or other spendy stuff.
Here’s a basic breakdown.
Eyelash extensions: $75-$100 plus tip every three weeks. If you live in Austin or Houston, Tabitha at Flutter is the best around. I love my big ole tranny lashes and when Mean Mister Economy made me take a six-month break my poor little heart broke in two. What I love about my big lashes is I wake up, wash my face and look totally glam.
Hair dusting and re-tint: $45 – $100 with cut. There is a fine line between “statement chic” and “punk died and all I got was this jar of Manic Panic” so I trust the electric midnight blue streaks in my 1930’s ‘do to the professionals. They’re extremely high maintenance (I have ’em redone every 20 days) but have become a signature. Dahn at tiny Tsunami Salon –who also does Style Spy and other People of Import– is my go-to gal for both cut and color.
Eyebrow waxing: $10 every other week. My eyebrows are like two lovestruck caterpillars yearning to become one. I used to try waxing them myself but it Ended Badly once too many times. Did you know ladies in Colonial times would shave their eyebrows off and wear little eyebrow merkins made out of hair-on mouse hides?
Body waxing: I’m a DIY girl with most other waxing. Investing in a nice waxing kit –I’ve always like Gigi– about $60 for the supplies including the wax, and then about $30-$50 a year to replace wax, spatulas (popsicle sticks: I got mine in a bag of caramels) and cloth strips. Fancy potions and powders can set you back more, but I’ve never gone wrong with tea tree oil and neosporin.
Laser hair removal: Y’all I don’t know WHAT happened, but I went on the birth control pill for THREE MONTHS back when I was twenty three. I went off it and next thing I knew I was rockin the Amish Cravat. I’ve been doing laser treatments off and on for about a year and I’m just not sold. They’re not cheap –$250 for my chin and moustache– and I haven’t seen any long term reduction in growth, PLUS the post-laser moult is less than pleasant since the follicles on my chin pop out like I’ve got perma-goosebumps for about two weeks as it spits out the last of the hair.
Which brings me to the Forbidden Zone.
Y’all, I haven’t had shame since George Michael had a career and I just CANNOT conceive of granting some popsicle stick-wielding stranger intimate access to my Very Thing.
First of all it irks me from a feminist point of view. I know there are plenty of women who like to keep a tidy Personal Residence –myself included– just because it’s part of basic grooming but so many men seem so ENTITLED to expect a woman to be completely sans topiary.
I know one guy, ONE guy who is both straight AND a confirmed waxer. ONE. And he only waxes his back. Frankly, as far as I’m concerned, when it comes to inviting guys to the pants-off dance-off, they should understand it’s an honor just to be nominated and if they don’t like the drapes they have no business in that er…ballroom.
So today Miss Plumcake wants to know:
How much time/effort/money do YOU spend on hair maintenance? Has the recession affected your routine?
When it comes to your bikini line do you wax, shave, use a removal cream or just stay natural?
If you DO wax, do you go to a waxist, why and do you find it any more difficult because you’re a big girl?
Please keep the comments clean and no comments about what your husband/boyfriend/random guy you’re sleeping with to piss off your dad for missing your 6th grade dance recital likes. No vulva no vote, at least in this election.