So, uh, hi. How’s things? Good? Good.
I mean, obviously not as good as it would’ve been had I been here, because I’m totally your favorite (right? RIGHT?) but you know, I’m sure Francesca and Twistie kept you entertained, again, not as entertaining as I would’ve kept you had I not been sitting in a room coughing and shaking and hitting up friends for restorative cocktails for a week, but you know, entertained ENOUGH.
So I guess you’ll want the dish on the fire.
Well, there’s no easy way to say this so here goes:
I might have, TOTALLY ACCIDENTALLY AND WITHOUT MALICE OF FORETHOUGHT, accidentally set my church on fire.
See, among the many fine chapeaux I wear in my daily life is that of church thurifer. A thurifer is the person who swings a big smoking censer full of coal and incense during church services when we like to pretend we’re Catholic but without having to give up our club membership or go back in the closet.
Basically it’s like being a majorette for the Lord, except you don’t get to wear little white cowboy boots with fringe and there aren’t any special underpants –which is lame, but there you have it.
Anyhoodle, I do that pretty much every Sunday for the last service of the night and it’s big fun because who doesn’t love a majorette? Well, FOR THE FIRST TIME IN MY LIFE, I hit the thurible –that’s the thingum that holds the incense and the coals– on the ground.
No big deal right?
I stomped out –in a totally holy and Not At All Freaked Out way– the few embers that had gotten loose and were extinguishing themselves on the carpet no one really likes anyway and go back to my business.
I go back to check to make sure everything was out (it was in the dark, so glowing embers are theoretically easier to see) it was and an hour and a half later as my bestie and I were getting ready to lock up the church and hit the divey gay bar, in accordance with the scriptures when the little “so sorry to interrupt” alarm casually mentioned I’d most likely set the church on fire.
Because I had.
Now, to be fair it wasn’t a BIG fire, total damage was about 10″ square. In fact I put out the flames myself (do you know how to use a fire extinguisher? Remember PASS: Pull the pin. Aim the nozzle. Squeeze the lever. Sweep from side to side.) but the burning coal fell THROUGH the floor.
That’s when the lovely, lovely firemen came in.
Including –you’re going to die over this– Firefighter Wiseman.
Honestly firemen don’t set my heart aflutter the way they do some folks. I can’t help it. Every time I see one of those pictures with some musclebound guy all covered in sweat and soot I think “Oh my God he would RUIN my white upholstery!” and there’s just no recovering from that.
BUT I’m setting aside my personal preferences and am giving it up to the wonderful, heroic, and probably good-looking (although to be honest I was so freaked out about POSSIBLY BURNING DOWN MY CHURCH to pay attention) firefighters of Austin Fire Station #1 Company.
I love you all. Thanks for not using the hose.