Oh Conan, you elongated ginger minx, I know you need comforting now in your time of need.
No, I know what you’re thinking “Wouldn’t I be better off in the arms of my awesome wife and amazing children?” Hush now. Don’t speak. Ours is a love that dare not speak its easily-freckling name.
Can you imagine how amazing our children would be? Sure you’d be able to see through their skin like those weird geckos that occasionally find their way into my bathtub and scare the hell out of me at least twice a year, but we could single-handedly breed an entire new generation of writers for The Simpsons and Saturday Night Live. We could marry them off to Tina Fey’s kids and create a race of superwriters.
Come on, Coco, someone’s gotta write the lines Jimmy Fallon’s kids will eventually botch on live television.