Manolo for the Big Girl Fashion, Lifestyle, and Humor for the Plus Sized Woman.

March 3, 2010

Your Secret Garden Does Not Need Disco Lights

Filed under: Abominations,Honey. No.,TELLING YOU THINGS — Miss Plumcake @ 12:14 am

So this is what it’s come to, huh? This is my life. I’m a thirty year-old woman and I am talking about vajazzling.


My life wasn’t always like this you know. I’m a scholar.

I speak three languages and that’s not even including Latin! I know STUFF.

Like you know whose wang is on the cover of the (uh) seminal Rolling Stones album “Sticky Fingers”with cover art done by Andy Warhol? I DO.

Can you identify all the maple trees found in North America by binomial nomenclature? I CAN.

I know all SORTS of stuff, but NO. I’m here writing about VAJAZZLING because APPARENTLY whatshername, with the orphans and the boobs, got her squirrel all sparkled up and thinks you should do the same.

Ladies.  Seriously.  Why do I even have to SAY super-gluing rhinestones on your shaven haven is a bad idea?

First of all, some things just don’t need decorating.  Like you know how your grandma crocheted toilet paper cozies so instead of having the INDIGNITY of an unadorned roll of Charmin, you had something like this:

crochet dolls

HOW? How is that an improvement? Even being a flower of the South, which means I take the exceedingly broad view of hoop skirts and bonnets, this is just infinitely INFINITELY worse!

SECONDLY, unless you’ve got laser hair removal or are on a merciless wax schedule, you’re going to get some  follicular activity happening down there. I personally don’t care how you attend to your lady garden, but that cute little crystal Playboy Bunny is going to turn into “Easter egg hunt at Oilcan Harry’s” in about five to seven days and while a LITERAL Easter egg hunt at Oilcan Harry’s sounds like more fun than a wagon of puppies, a metaphorical one does not.

Also, glue does NOT last forever.

You think it might but I have eyelash extensions and I know the adhesive they use for that. That’s some hard core medical-grade stickum and even then, something occasionally gets loose.  A particularly hot shower and the next thing you know it would be like the The Last Days of Disco all up in your  lady lounge.

It’d be bad enough on your own but what if it your stray sparklies was discovered by a visitor to the area? And those things have edges! Do you REALLY want to be in the emergency room explaining to the admitting nurse that your gentleman’s personal gentleman is all scratched up because of a rogue crotch-crystal? Really? Because if you think you won’t be the talk of the emergency room you have another think coming.

And what if you got pregnant? It’s all fun and games and then nine months later instead of having a normal delivery which is pretty gross anyway, your kid, the fruit of your highly sparkling loins, makes his arrival into this world in a shower of cooch-confetti  like RIP FREAKIN’ TAYLOR.

rip taylor

Is that what you want America? Is it?



  1. I swear, Plummy, if I swung that way, I would propose marriage to you right here and now.

    And honestly, I can’t imagine any normal guy having any reaction to the vajazzling OTHER than “WTF, lady? Did you just get off work from your shift at Bruno’s Exotic Nightclub?”

    Comment by La Petite Acadienne — March 3, 2010 @ 8:54 am

  2. I had my eyebrows waxed for the first time last week. Although it was not more than uncomfortable, I cannot imagine translating that experience or anything similar to a more – um – sensitive part of my body.

    Comment by The gold digger — March 3, 2010 @ 9:06 am

  3. I don’t know who the woman with the orphans and the boobs is, and I’m not sure I needed to get another look at Lagerfeld’s Chanel Spring 2010 collection, but I’m awfully grateful for the shot of Rip Taylor and his confetti. Thanks!

    Comment by ChaChaHeels — March 3, 2010 @ 9:23 am

  4. I used to have a hood piercing, but that was firmly anchored AND had the side benefit of making me really, really happy to wear pants. And I’ve dyed my pubes for the hell of it (tip: any pink or red shade makes it look like you’re wearing Bozo’s merkin). I’m not averse to adding some gnomes and whatnot to the lady garden for fun.

    But vajazzling? Hell no.

    Comment by zuzu — March 3, 2010 @ 9:47 am

  5. Re: the baby who is born from “sparkling loins” – there’s one way to guarantee your kid is gay. If he’s born covered in rhinestones, he has to be gay from the get go.

    Comment by jen209 — March 3, 2010 @ 10:36 am

  6. I read the vajazzling article in Shine yesterday. Wouldn’t a lot of guys be traumatized by this?

    RuPaul DID say “If you can’t hide it, decorate it!”…

    Comment by dcsurfergirl — March 3, 2010 @ 10:47 am

  7. Jennifer Love Hewitt is the LAST person I expected this from. The LAST! Doesn’t she look all….normal and stuff. I mean, I have no opposition to folks doing whatever they want with whatever part of their body they want, but you just don’t see this coming from her. It’s like Johnny Weir saying, “yes, I do like a good rugby scrum every now and then.”

    Comment by Mrsbug — March 3, 2010 @ 11:05 am

  8. Oh I think I speak on behalf of both Johnny Weir AND myself when I say I’m fairly sure we DO enjoy a good rugby scrum every now and then. If you know what I mean, and I think you do.

    Comment by Plumcake — March 3, 2010 @ 11:16 am

  9. We all know I worship at the Shrine of Sainte RuPaul de Charles, but it comes naturally hidden! It’s like paving paradise and putting up a strip club parking lot!

    Comment by Plumcake — March 3, 2010 @ 11:16 am

  10. In addition to the possible nicking of the Johnson, there’s also the potential that oral sex could lead to internal injury.

    This one gets a firm AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAUUUGGGGHHHHHH!!!!!!!!! from yours truly.

    The scary part is that I came up with a semi-coherent response before consuming any coffee.

    I think I shall retire to a corner and whimper for a while, now.

    Comment by Twistie — March 3, 2010 @ 12:08 pm

  11. I would like to work “Easter Egg hunt at Oilcan Harry’s” into polite conversation… thank you for bringing that phrase into my general awareness.

    Comment by Sarah — March 3, 2010 @ 12:48 pm

  12. Plumcake, I’m not worthy. You are a goddess.

    And please tell me whose wang was on the cover. Don’t leave me hanging! (Pun sort of intended :D)

    Comment by Katie K — March 3, 2010 @ 2:19 pm

  13. I guess some ladies just can’t hide it, therefore the craft projects gone wild.

    Uh-oh. Does this now mean at-home kits, more low-rise thongs and lowrider jeans?

    Comment by dcsurfergirl — March 3, 2010 @ 2:20 pm

  14. Katie, it belonged (and presumably still does) to Warhol “superstar” Joe Dallesandro. Fun fashion fact: Dallesandro starred in the film Je T’aime …Moi Non Plus (yes, like the song), directed by Serge Gainsbourg and costarring Jane Birkin who, as we all know, has been immortalized in bag form for inspiring the legendary Hermès Birkin bag.

    Comment by Plumcake — March 3, 2010 @ 2:46 pm

  15. Jennifer Love Hewitt is dull. This tasteless revelation will not get her into Megan Fox territory. She could try having pictures of the masterpiece “leaked” onto the internet, , but I doubt it would help.

    Joe Dallesandro is interesting. He simply was naked in Warhol land without, er, artifice.

    Comment by Debs — March 3, 2010 @ 3:31 pm

  16. Oh, my. “Vulgar” is an old-fashioned word that doesn’t get out much anymore, but it looks like it still has its uses.

    I actually think most of the guys I know would find this more hilarious than sexy, once the initial shock had worn off — “You thought it needed to sparkle? Seriously?”

    Comment by Mifty — March 3, 2010 @ 7:02 pm

  17. Dear Jennifer Love Hewitt:

    Your vagina is inside. If you’ve been gluing rhinestones to the walls of your birth canal, all I can say is… have you been sniffing the glue you use to stick sparklies to yourself? And if you’ve been sticking rhinestones to your vulva, maybe you should consider using a different, not-so-misleading coy euphemism. If you can’t say the name of your sex organs out loud, or identify which one you’re decorating, you shouldn’t be vulvdazzling them.


    Someone who paid attention in sex ed. In Catholic School. Where she learned her anatomy.

    Comment by AnthroK8 — March 3, 2010 @ 7:28 pm

  18. jen209: It might merely guarantee that your son might be a cowboy …

    Comment by La BellaDonna — March 3, 2010 @ 8:21 pm

  19. Just think about all the starlets who will soon be throwing mysterious disco lights on the floor whenever they wear a miniskirt.

    Comment by raincoaster — March 3, 2010 @ 8:30 pm

  20. zuzu – I want to party with you!

    Who the hell is any woman “decorating” this for?? Men?? THEY DON’T CARE – they want it anyway! What a waste of time & effort – besides being just incredibly stupid on so many levels including those already articulated, and just another sure sign that “more money than brains” is still alive & well in the good ole’ U S of A.

    Plummy’s next topic – pearling….

    Comment by g-dog — March 3, 2010 @ 10:38 pm

  21. *falls out laughing* OMG this is too funny and too weird at the same time… i am all for grooming the lil lady but bejeweled? uh PASS lol

    Comment by Vonetta — March 4, 2010 @ 12:07 am

  22. This is some freaky thing. I hope this won’t turn into a fad. O.o

    Comment by All Women Stalker — March 4, 2010 @ 5:21 am

  23. I hope y’all know that this made me almost choke on my fancypants Central Market yogurt.

    I mean, really? REALLY?

    Comment by ChloeMireille — March 4, 2010 @ 10:46 am

  24. Does JLH complain about media attention? Why is she giving us information way beyond TMI….

    Comment by Christine — March 4, 2010 @ 7:15 pm

  25. Thank you for this. Now every time I re-watch Jeeves and Wooster I will giggle when they say “gentleman’s personal gentleman.”

    Comment by Miriam — March 4, 2010 @ 9:17 pm

  26. ::bursts into tears::

    Comment by Style Spy — March 5, 2010 @ 2:47 pm

  27. Apparently J-Lo Hewitt doesn’t care about telling the world she uses her Bedazzler to decorate her hoo-hah, but call her fat and she will cut you something fierce!

    Comment by Bree — March 6, 2010 @ 12:16 pm

  28. I am only an occasional reader, but I just read this and it is absolutely hilarious! Thank you for the laughs

    Comment by Ali — June 17, 2010 @ 10:43 am

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    Comment by NY excavation — August 9, 2010 @ 4:02 pm

  30. Vera Trbovich

    Comment by Ariana Ramire — August 17, 2010 @ 8:39 pm

  31. you have eyelash extensions yet you frown upon vajazzling?

    Comment by whiskey — October 10, 2010 @ 3:36 am

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