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Your Secret Garden Does Not Need Disco Lights | Manolo for the Big Girl

Your Secret Garden Does Not Need Disco Lights

So this is what it’s come to, huh? This is my life. I’m a thirty year-old woman and I am talking about vajazzling.

Sigh.

My life wasn’t always like this you know. I’m a scholar.

I speak three languages and that’s not even including Latin! I know STUFF.

Like you know whose wang is on the cover of the (uh) seminal Rolling Stones album “Sticky Fingers”with cover art done by Andy Warhol? I DO.

Can you identify all the maple trees found in North America by binomial nomenclature? I CAN.

I know all SORTS of stuff, but NO. I’m here writing about VAJAZZLING because APPARENTLY whatshername, with the orphans and the boobs, got her squirrel all sparkled up and thinks you should do the same.

Ladies.  Seriously.  Why do I even have to SAY super-gluing rhinestones on your shaven haven is a bad idea?

First of all, some things just don’t need decorating.  Like you know how your grandma crocheted toilet paper cozies so instead of having the INDIGNITY of an unadorned roll of Charmin, you had something like this:

crochet dolls

HOW? How is that an improvement? Even being a flower of the South, which means I take the exceedingly broad view of hoop skirts and bonnets, this is just infinitely INFINITELY worse!

SECONDLY, unless you’ve got laser hair removal or are on a merciless wax schedule, you’re going to get some  follicular activity happening down there. I personally don’t care how you attend to your lady garden, but that cute little crystal Playboy Bunny is going to turn into “Easter egg hunt at Oilcan Harry’s” in about five to seven days and while a LITERAL Easter egg hunt at Oilcan Harry’s sounds like more fun than a wagon of puppies, a metaphorical one does not.

Also, glue does NOT last forever.

You think it might but I have eyelash extensions and I know the adhesive they use for that. That’s some hard core medical-grade stickum and even then, something occasionally gets loose.  A particularly hot shower and the next thing you know it would be like the The Last Days of Disco all up in your  lady lounge.

It’d be bad enough on your own but what if it your stray sparklies was discovered by a visitor to the area? And those things have edges! Do you REALLY want to be in the emergency room explaining to the admitting nurse that your gentleman’s personal gentleman is all scratched up because of a rogue crotch-crystal? Really? Because if you think you won’t be the talk of the emergency room you have another think coming.

And what if you got pregnant? It’s all fun and games and then nine months later instead of having a normal delivery which is pretty gross anyway, your kid, the fruit of your highly sparkling loins, makes his arrival into this world in a shower of cooch-confetti  like RIP FREAKIN’ TAYLOR.

rip taylor

Is that what you want America? Is it?

Sigh.

31 Responses to “Your Secret Garden Does Not Need Disco Lights”

  1. La Petite Acadienne March 3, 2010 at 8:54 am #

    I swear, Plummy, if I swung that way, I would propose marriage to you right here and now.

    And honestly, I can’t imagine any normal guy having any reaction to the vajazzling OTHER than “WTF, lady? Did you just get off work from your shift at Bruno’s Exotic Nightclub?”

  2. The gold digger March 3, 2010 at 9:06 am #

    I had my eyebrows waxed for the first time last week. Although it was not more than uncomfortable, I cannot imagine translating that experience or anything similar to a more – um – sensitive part of my body.

  3. ChaChaHeels March 3, 2010 at 9:23 am #

    I don’t know who the woman with the orphans and the boobs is, and I’m not sure I needed to get another look at Lagerfeld’s Chanel Spring 2010 collection, but I’m awfully grateful for the shot of Rip Taylor and his confetti. Thanks!

  4. zuzu March 3, 2010 at 9:47 am #

    I used to have a hood piercing, but that was firmly anchored AND had the side benefit of making me really, really happy to wear pants. And I’ve dyed my pubes for the hell of it (tip: any pink or red shade makes it look like you’re wearing Bozo’s merkin). I’m not averse to adding some gnomes and whatnot to the lady garden for fun.

    But vajazzling? Hell no.

  5. jen209 March 3, 2010 at 10:36 am #

    Re: the baby who is born from “sparkling loins” – there’s one way to guarantee your kid is gay. If he’s born covered in rhinestones, he has to be gay from the get go.

  6. dcsurfergirl March 3, 2010 at 10:47 am #

    I read the vajazzling article in Shine yesterday. Wouldn’t a lot of guys be traumatized by this?

    RuPaul DID say “If you can’t hide it, decorate it!”…

  7. Mrsbug March 3, 2010 at 11:05 am #

    Jennifer Love Hewitt is the LAST person I expected this from. The LAST! Doesn’t she look all….normal and stuff. I mean, I have no opposition to folks doing whatever they want with whatever part of their body they want, but you just don’t see this coming from her. It’s like Johnny Weir saying, “yes, I do like a good rugby scrum every now and then.”

  8. Plumcake March 3, 2010 at 11:16 am #

    Oh I think I speak on behalf of both Johnny Weir AND myself when I say I’m fairly sure we DO enjoy a good rugby scrum every now and then. If you know what I mean, and I think you do.

  9. Plumcake March 3, 2010 at 11:16 am #

    We all know I worship at the Shrine of Sainte RuPaul de Charles, but it comes naturally hidden! It’s like paving paradise and putting up a strip club parking lot!

  10. Twistie March 3, 2010 at 12:08 pm #

    In addition to the possible nicking of the Johnson, there’s also the potential that oral sex could lead to internal injury.

    This one gets a firm AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAUUUGGGGHHHHHH!!!!!!!!! from yours truly.

    The scary part is that I came up with a semi-coherent response before consuming any coffee.

    I think I shall retire to a corner and whimper for a while, now.

  11. Sarah March 3, 2010 at 12:48 pm #

    I would like to work “Easter Egg hunt at Oilcan Harry’s” into polite conversation… thank you for bringing that phrase into my general awareness.

  12. Katie K March 3, 2010 at 2:19 pm #

    Plumcake, I’m not worthy. You are a goddess.

    And please tell me whose wang was on the cover. Don’t leave me hanging! (Pun sort of intended :D)

  13. dcsurfergirl March 3, 2010 at 2:20 pm #

    I guess some ladies just can’t hide it, therefore the craft projects gone wild.

    Uh-oh. Does this now mean at-home kits, more low-rise thongs and lowrider jeans?

  14. Plumcake March 3, 2010 at 2:46 pm #

    Katie, it belonged (and presumably still does) to Warhol “superstar” Joe Dallesandro. Fun fashion fact: Dallesandro starred in the film Je T’aime …Moi Non Plus (yes, like the song), directed by Serge Gainsbourg and costarring Jane Birkin who, as we all know, has been immortalized in bag form for inspiring the legendary Hermès Birkin bag.

  15. Debs March 3, 2010 at 3:31 pm #

    Jennifer Love Hewitt is dull. This tasteless revelation will not get her into Megan Fox territory. She could try having pictures of the masterpiece “leaked” onto the internet, , but I doubt it would help.

    Joe Dallesandro is interesting. He simply was naked in Warhol land without, er, artifice.

  16. Mifty March 3, 2010 at 7:02 pm #

    Oh, my. “Vulgar” is an old-fashioned word that doesn’t get out much anymore, but it looks like it still has its uses.

    I actually think most of the guys I know would find this more hilarious than sexy, once the initial shock had worn off — “You thought it needed to sparkle? Seriously?”

  17. AnthroK8 March 3, 2010 at 7:28 pm #

    Dear Jennifer Love Hewitt:

    Your vagina is inside. If you’ve been gluing rhinestones to the walls of your birth canal, all I can say is… have you been sniffing the glue you use to stick sparklies to yourself? And if you’ve been sticking rhinestones to your vulva, maybe you should consider using a different, not-so-misleading coy euphemism. If you can’t say the name of your sex organs out loud, or identify which one you’re decorating, you shouldn’t be vulvdazzling them.

    Love,

    Someone who paid attention in sex ed. In Catholic School. Where she learned her anatomy.

  18. La BellaDonna March 3, 2010 at 8:21 pm #

    jen209: It might merely guarantee that your son might be a cowboy …

  19. raincoaster March 3, 2010 at 8:30 pm #

    Just think about all the starlets who will soon be throwing mysterious disco lights on the floor whenever they wear a miniskirt.

  20. g-dog March 3, 2010 at 10:38 pm #

    zuzu – I want to party with you!

    Who the hell is any woman “decorating” this for?? Men?? THEY DON’T CARE – they want it anyway! What a waste of time & effort – besides being just incredibly stupid on so many levels including those already articulated, and just another sure sign that “more money than brains” is still alive & well in the good ole’ U S of A.

    Plummy’s next topic – pearling….

  21. Vonetta March 4, 2010 at 12:07 am #

    *falls out laughing* OMG this is too funny and too weird at the same time… i am all for grooming the lil lady but bejeweled? uh PASS lol

  22. All Women Stalker March 4, 2010 at 5:21 am #

    This is some freaky thing. I hope this won’t turn into a fad. O.o

  23. ChloeMireille March 4, 2010 at 10:46 am #

    I hope y’all know that this made me almost choke on my fancypants Central Market yogurt.

    I mean, really? REALLY?

  24. Christine March 4, 2010 at 7:15 pm #

    Does JLH complain about media attention? Why is she giving us information way beyond TMI….

  25. Miriam March 4, 2010 at 9:17 pm #

    Thank you for this. Now every time I re-watch Jeeves and Wooster I will giggle when they say “gentleman’s personal gentleman.”

  26. Style Spy March 5, 2010 at 2:47 pm #

    ::bursts into tears::

  27. Bree March 6, 2010 at 12:16 pm #

    Apparently J-Lo Hewitt doesn’t care about telling the world she uses her Bedazzler to decorate her hoo-hah, but call her fat and she will cut you something fierce!

  28. Ali June 17, 2010 at 10:43 am #

    I am only an occasional reader, but I just read this and it is absolutely hilarious! Thank you for the laughs

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  30. Ariana Ramire August 17, 2010 at 8:39 pm #

    Vera Trbovich

  31. whiskey October 10, 2010 at 3:36 am #

    you have eyelash extensions yet you frown upon vajazzling?