I’ve got a 27 year-old little brother.
He is the joy of my heart and the delight of my soul.
Unfortunately, he did not inherit the gene for fabulosity so he pretty much dresses like a homeless person, except on the rare occasion when he dresses like someone who would send a dead fish to his enemies (and no, I don’t mean he dresses like the Chief of Staff).
Now normally I wouldn’t care that much. I figure it’s just his way of coping with the grim reality that his sister is SO CLEARLY HIS SUPERIOR in almost every conceivable way except for opening jars and lifting heavy things.
Unfortunately it has become problematic because when we pose for photos together, I have to later throw myself on the mercy of my tech-savvy pals to Photoshop out his sartorial slip-ups. It would be a time and money saver to just buy him some clothes that were chosen for reasons a bit more sophisticated than “oooh shiny.”
So I thought Savile Row. Yes, as a former college football player and what Jerome K. Jerome might describe as “a well-made man of about number one size” he’d probably be better suited (see what I did there) for Italian cuts instead of English, but it is a slippery slope from nice Italian suit to wide pinstripes, shiny tie and –I’m still faint when I recall it– shiny vinyl faux-spats, and y’all, I love my brother but I just cannot go through that again.
So I went to The Savile Row Company’s online store, clickity clicked myself through to the larger sizes and saw this:
Could you die? I could die.
THIS is why men don’t have body issues!
While women’s advertisements are all full of “slimming” “slenderizing” and “flattering” buzzwords –plus the odious “real woman” assignation, (because apparently thin women aren’t “real”?) but men’s advertising just cuts to the chase:
If you wear these clothes you have an enormous schlong. Mere mortals wear straight size clothing but because you need EXTRA ROOM to support the infrastructure of your MASSIVE TROUSER SNAKE you get to wear these clothes.
And the model looking down clearly in adoration of his leviathan leg lad? Hi-larious.
Enormous trouser snake? Well, that right there would justify body issues for a lot of men. They don’t have the same kinds of problems like women do but there are other parts of the body that they take issue with. Ahem.
Comment by graciela — March 11, 2010 @ 1:35 pm
bwah! Love you madly, Plummy.
Comment by theDiva — March 11, 2010 @ 2:16 pm
Apparently he was born with so much extra that he can not wear pants.
Comment by Melissa — March 11, 2010 @ 2:36 pm
I know the feeling.
Comment by Violet — March 11, 2010 @ 3:19 pm
OMG, too funny!
Even so, I seem to encounter plenty of men who really do have body issues. I think it’s just hitting major cities and spreading. At the end of ten years, we will be hearing from the guys but hockey sticks will freeze over before a men’s company markets to such insecurities.
In the meantime, I almost have my husband convinced to just let me pick out his damn clothes. Although sometimes I have to let him wear the Converse. *sigh* It’s Geek Chic, so for now…
Comment by Diana — March 11, 2010 @ 5:55 pm
So… is the man with the massive tool single?
Comment by Melissa — March 11, 2010 @ 10:01 pm
I really wonder why there are different standards in the clothing industry. It irritates me to no end.
Comment by All Women Stalker — March 11, 2010 @ 11:33 pm
Note: The man is “born” with that “little bit extra”. Laying aside the obvious peen-reference here, the man is “born” with it, right? It’s not a moral failing, wevs. You’re just BORN with it. It’s GENETIC, if you’re male.
Also: it’s just a straight statement of size (ahem). If nothing else, it’s even played down a bit. But none of the usual denial statements (as you mentioned — slimming, flattering, etc.) you find in women’s clothing ads.
I’ll have that *sigh* too, with a side order of *headdesk*.
Comment by Jo — March 12, 2010 @ 12:56 am
Whereas the diversity of shapes of women is CLEARLY the result of MORAL FAILING. *headdesk*
OTOH, Plummy, maybe somebody should introduce your little brother to the joys of re-enacting. It sounds as if he would really REJOICE in the chance to shine in the gold brocade splendour of a Renaissance outfit, or the floral silk of an 18th Century outfit …
Comment by La BellaDonna — March 12, 2010 @ 9:05 am
I completely disagree. I find that the majority of men have body issues that weigh on their minds as heavily as body issues weigh on the minds of women. They’re just too macho or emabarrassed to bring it up among their friends, or god forbid, the public.
Comment by jelodi97 — March 12, 2010 @ 9:53 am
Men can buy trousers in extra-width and extra-length without the attached guilt. They also get cheaper haircuts at the hairdressers. Why? It’s unfair.
At least in heterosexual males you can usually tell who is married/in a relationship and who is single: Some men dress so badly it practically screams: Yes! Please! I am a single man and I need someone who takes care of me. Sort of the “last puppy in the kennel approach”.
Comment by Cara — March 13, 2010 @ 6:51 am