OMG YAY! It’s the Grand National!
People, there are very few things that make the small stone scarab that lives in place of my heart jump with absolute glee. Traveler weddings are one, The idea of the Archbishop of
My Pants Canterbury in my monogrammed towel is another and the Grand National is the third.
One of the many many things I love about the British is they do trashy and ridiculous the way trashy and ridiculous ought to be done.
This year at Aintree the look is full-on WAG. Fun fact: the summer I turned 20 I was, technically speaking, a WAG. I was dating a wonderful Belgian soccer player who goes down in history as the only boy I ever really Done Wrong. Since then, I’ve always had an affection for footballers’ Wives And Girlfriends, although the most exciting thing I ever got out of my short-lived career was a deep and heartfelt appreciation for big nuts.
However, my affection didn’t extend to dressing like them –although this was before the days of true WAG excess– unlike these poor but colorful souls.
Now I WILL give it up to the last big girl in the hot pink dress because she looks great considering she’s wearing The Cruelest Fabric and at least her dress fits her as opposed to Captain Redbra next to her.
I also have great affection for the girl with the Bad Magenta Hair because, as some friends and I were saying just the other day, we’ve ALL been the girl with BMH. Granted I was 14 and it was 1993, but she makes the most of it. I also think I might covet her shoes.
The girl in the polka dots with the Alice band? Not so much. By which I mean not at all. Listen, I get it and I’m excited that Beth Ditto got her own line at Evans, but WOW. That’s a lot happening in one…smock/dress (sm’ess?) and I feel like we ought to talk about the shoe situation.
I love a statement shoe as much as the next gal BUT if your ankles aren’t shall we say, delicately turned, and you’ve got fleshsome feet, maybe MAYBE a shoe with a multitude of straps that look like they’re about thirty seconds away from actually cutting off all blood to your little piggies (who have been through so much!) is not the best look for you. Would a pair of orange skimmers have KILLED you?
Oh, and the girl in yellow. Blessherheart. I am so, SO behind her in theory. Black+brights = WIN. It’s something you see more on the continent than you do here, but her best laid plans ganged TOTALLY freakin’ agley. I don’t even have that much of a beef with the stretch vinyl go-go boots because she had VISION and while it didn’t really work for her, I appreciate vision.
The wrap. If you’re going to wear a wrap you’ve got to WEAR it. Don’t just sling it around yourself like the electric kool-aid acid blankey. Either tie it –a hacking knot would’ve been nice– or pin it or do SOMETHING so it’ll stay in place.
Also, if you’re going to do BRIGHTS you’ve got to do hair and makeup to suit it. From neck down it’s HELLO I’M HERE CAN YOU SEE ME but chins up it’s blahsville. It creates an unbalanced look. Don’t ever let your clothes be more dramatic than your face. That doesn’t necessarily mean brighter or more painted, but it’s gotta balance. Here’s a better version of the bumblebee chic:
Much better, all things considered. Plus I’d cut her for her hat.
The two pink girls I like. The tall gangly one especially –although I hope she’s wearing a slip– because it’s loud, but it’s edited. She’s not wearing a statement dress AND a statement bag AND a statement hat AND a statement necklace AND AND AND. She’s got the focus on just the dress and the hat, which suits her face.
The girl next to her…that’s a mess.
Listen, I hate to be heightist but some people are too short for big millinery and she? Is too short for that hat. Plus, you can’t just put a race hat on willy nilly and expect it to work. You’ve got to get the hair out of your face, and think about your neck. A big hat needs neck. For those of us not blessed with long necks, we’ve got to be super-careful with how we pick our accessories if we’re wearing a hat. Generally speaking, necklaces are a bad idea. I usually just wear a pair of button-style earrings, usually pearls, to bring attention to the face and make the look polished, but not busy.
If she’d ditched the hat, gotten the hair out of her eyes, and just gone with the necklace (and found a bra that didn’t show) she would’ve been far better off.
Want to see more pictures and read some of the bitchiest copy this side of…me? Clickety click!