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WAG the Togs PART II | Manolo for the Big Girl

WAG the Togs PART II

Did someone ask for more Grand National photos?

First of all I think we need to applaud this girl.  Yes, it’s a bad dress without the benefit of being interesting BUT look at her bust.

Well wrangled, madam.

That is one masterfully wrangled rack.

As opposed to this:

the Grand National race...to her knees

MUCH better dress, totally ruined by the lack of a bra.  Here’s the deal:  I am not overly endowed in the chest department –I’m a respectable but not over-enthusiastic C– and what I do have doesn’t move much courtesy of  Plumcake family genetics. While standing up I don’t even pass the pencil test, so I totally understand the temptation to go sans boulderholder.

BUT I DON’T because I know nothing can ruin an outfit as fast as the wrong undergarments. Also, unless otherwise directed, hats should be worn down low over the eyebrow.

PLUMCAKE SMASH!

Okay, time for a little trip to truthville:  if you do this, you look like trash.  I know that’s an ugly thing to say and normally I’d try to beat around the bust (I meant to say bush, but it’s a funny slip so I’ll keep it) and be a little more subtle but seriously, nothing riles me more than big girls in ridiculous platter-o-boob corsets (this dovetails nicely with one of the many reasons I hate Renaissance festivals too, which in my experience might as well be called Uglye Girls Gettynge Their Tits Out Faire).  I mean couldn’t you just wear a t-shirt saying “Please value me for the one part of my body that’s socially acceptable?” it’d certainly be more comfortable, and not any less blatant.

/soapbox

nice bow

Not that it’s any better on slimmer girls, although with this one at least they’re well-contained. Also,  I don’t know who this woman is but I know where to find her.  I DO like her hat though.

Butterfly ring

Pasty women of England:  I have been from El Paso to Texarkana and places that aren’t even IN Texas and I can tell you after this exhaustive research: Orange is not a person color, and while I love hot pink and orange together IN THEORY, I’m not sure it really works when the orange in question is your skin.  On the other hand (see what I did there), I LOVE that awful butterfly ring, and would wear it in a heartbeat.

This? Not so much:

Ladies 4

A maribou shrug? Really? It’s like what the secretly gay quarterback (and they’re ALL secretly gay) would wear under his jersey for the big home game. And can we FINALLY get on board with the idea that most fascinators look stupid on women? Because they do. They’re like the square-tipped French manicures of hair.

Ruffled floozy

Oh. Oh honey. I…that’s…wow…ruffles.  And bleach.  And Orange. And…I don’t even have the strength. It’s like the coral reef died of peroxide poisoning and took up residence on your top.

could technically be worse

And finally I will leave you with an outfit I know some of you would love and wear (probably the same people who are going to yell at me about renn fests being full of ugly girls) and I’ll admit it: This could be a lot worse. Oh, I still think it’s bad, and her hair is tragiculous, but I don’t HATE the fascinator on her, and at least she’s mostly covered and not BRIGHT orange.

32 Responses to “WAG the Togs PART II”

  1. Abby April 9, 2010 at 5:56 pm #

    Can we talk about the eyebrows on fabulous black hat/boobs woman? Because I like a groomed brow as much as the next gal and probably more but this is Exhibit A in Too Much of A Good Thing. Criminy. Actually her makeup in general is too much.

    As for Ruffles Peroxide, sigh. I know you’re right Plumcake but I kind of like it. I think I’m probably overly influenced by the fact that she looks like she’d be an absolute blast to hang out with and talk about Boys and Stuff.

    I love these pictures!

  2. Suniverse April 9, 2010 at 6:00 pm #

    Ah, see, I thought you meant that if you apply your lipstick in public, you look like trash. Which you do. Seriously. Stop doing that.

  3. gemdiva April 9, 2010 at 6:33 pm #

    Note to woman in picture number one in back and to the left of “masterfully wrangled rack”…gravity is NOT your friend dear. Get thee to a corsettier!

  4. Mrs. Hendricks April 9, 2010 at 6:46 pm #

    I don’t even hate to admit it, but I sort of love bleach and ruffles. The orange goes to far (just imagine how much prettier she’d look with her natural skin tone!). Actually, I really love bleach and ruffles the more I look at her! I know, I know.

  5. Bree April 9, 2010 at 6:51 pm #

    The British ladies love the tanning bed and spray just as much as some of us American gals too I see.

    Eyebrow girl would be right at home on that Footballers Wive$ show. I saw some of it and all the actresses looked just like that, except for smaller chests. I’m sure she looks even prettier without all that Tammy Faye plastered on her face.

    Ruffle girl reminds me of Jackie Tyler on Doctor Who.

    I refuse to believe marabou girl is past the age of 18. She looks like she’s barely pushing 16.

  6. La Petite Acadienne April 9, 2010 at 7:18 pm #

    I would definitely want to sit next to Bleach ‘n’ Ruffles at any sort of event that doesn’t require Serious Face, though. I bet she is an absolute riot. We could laugh together and try to throw peanuts into the cleavage of Boobs on a Tray versions #1 and #2.

  7. La Petite Acadienne April 9, 2010 at 7:20 pm #

    Kind of a shame about the Misses Boobs on a Tray, really. Looking more closely at the photos, they are not unattractive girls in the least. So why they must turn themselves into R-rated cartoons is beyond me.

  8. Deb April 9, 2010 at 7:51 pm #

    Okay, I gotta ask. I’m older and I grew up believing that bare legs were trashy. I know It Changed sometime in the last decade or two, but I’m not sure I understand why.

    Not to get all biological, but don’t bare feet sweat in good shoes just like they do in Keds? I mean, mine would. Isn’t this bad for the shoes as well as the feet? What’s wrong with stockings of some sort as long as they’re not Suntan or White? Every time I see pictures of somebody all decked out with bare legs both grandmothers (may they rest) and several great aunts poke at me from the beyond.

  9. Plumcake April 9, 2010 at 8:08 pm #

    Deb, that’s a great question and I’m not sure I know the whole answer as to why pantyhose went away, other than people find them uncomfortable. Plain hose do look dated now when I see them on the street, but I like them on Women Of A Certain Age.

    I’ve never worn Keds so I don’t know, but good leather breaths much better than bad leather, or fake leather. I’ve never had a foot sweat issue personally, but I don’t know about other folks.

    Any other readers want to chime in?

  10. Cassie April 9, 2010 at 8:11 pm #

    Deb-

    For me, it’s not a matter of foot sweat or smell or anything – it’s a matter of comfort. I am immensely uncomfortable in hose of any kind; in fact, once the weather stops snowing and being nasty, I wear sandals or am barefoot 100% of the time unless I’m going hiking (hint: doesn’t happen often). And for most of these ‘ladies’, it’s also a matter of appearance – they’re wearing open-toed shoes, and probably don’t want the look of hose to mar their . . . toe-cleavage. Which sounds awful.

    I work at a store that sells to women who are, on average, thirty years older than I am, however, so I know that hose (or knee-highs) are something some women cannot and will not do without, so I try not to judge. But I hit the wall with hose when I was thirteen and have never looked back.

    On the topic of the post, however . . . wow. Someday, I’ll have to go to one of these things (or maybe make it to the Kentucky Derby sometime) just to get a huge hat and a horrible dress.

  11. Plumcake April 9, 2010 at 8:42 pm #

    Well said Cassie! And I want to do the same thing. I’ve got a dress that’s PRETTY garish on its own, and Lord knows I’ve got some hats, but it’s not QUITE loud enough. I have such great affection for these girls (well, except the corset girl) because it’s so wonderful/awful. The Kentucky Derby isn’t nearly as fun/vulgar…more’s the pity.

  12. zuzu April 9, 2010 at 8:55 pm #

    When I started working about 13 years ago in my profession, I had to wear skirts and pantyhose. Freakin’ hated it. It was hot in summer and didn’t offer any protection at all in winter.

    As soon as I could wear pants, I never looked back. And when I eventually started adding skirts back into my wardrobe, I went bare-legged (with bike shorts) in warm weather or wore tights in winter. If I’m wearing a closed-toe shoe with bare legs, I wear little footie socks/nylons. You can even get the kind that just cover the ball of the foot, since your heel doesn’t sweat much, anyhow.

  13. Lisa April 9, 2010 at 9:04 pm #

    The death of pantyhose is, as far as I am concerned, the best thing that happened ever in the history of the world with the exception of whoever invented martinis and foot rubs.

    Anyhoo, I’m with Miss Hendricks. I love Bleached Ruffles. I could never wear that outfit in a million years as I have a very large bust, and I can’t even imagine what I’d look like in that thing. But I like it on her, oddly, and she looks like she’s having a thoroughly fun time and she and I could sit there together and talk about Project Runway and the British version of Life on Mars and how sad it is that this or that Duke is betraying his Duchess with an Anchorwoman, etc. over a gin and tonic.

  14. Miranda April 9, 2010 at 9:12 pm #

    I think it’s incredible that in a world full of tacky, at an event seemingly created just to display tackiness, Ugly Butterfly Ring and Bad Magenta Hair from the first post appear to be wearing the same dress. Brava, ladies, brava.

    P.s. can you imagine the catfight if they’d spotted each other?

  15. Deb April 9, 2010 at 9:35 pm #

    Thanks for your comments about the ‘hose. I’m 51 and I think I’ll claim the WoACA exemption and continue to wear them. I shell out for the really good ones and they’re quite comfy. I’m just real self conscious without them in certain settings. My normal day doesn’t require nice dresses/shoes, so it’s purely a special occasion issue.

    From a Student of Culture point of view, though, it’s intersting to me that something can look so wrong to me when it has clearly become the norm. And it’s completely about your raisin’ I guess.

  16. Genevieve April 9, 2010 at 9:38 pm #

    “Someday, I’ll have to go to one of these things (or maybe make it to the Kentucky Derby sometime) just to get a huge hat and a horrible dress.”

    Hah! I’ve said many a time that one of my life goals is to attend the Kentucky Derby, so that I can wear a Gigantic Hat.

    Bleached Ruffles looks like fun, but I’m not sure if that’s because she is, or because maribou shrug above her looks kind of sad, or both.

  17. Abby April 9, 2010 at 9:51 pm #

    Eyebrow girl would be right at home on that Footballers Wive$ show.

    I think you meant to say, Bree, “Footballers Wive$, THE GREATEST SHOW IN THE HISTORY OF TELEVISION.” Oh it was awesome in its trashiness. I recently saw an actor from the show in a serious role and could not stop giggling.

  18. Plumcake April 9, 2010 at 10:15 pm #

    Miranda, in the photos I’ve seen there have been at least three people carrying the same clutch. I’d have my money on Bad Magenta Hair any day of the week.

  19. megaera April 10, 2010 at 4:26 am #

    Well merciful niblets , Miss Plumcake, I’ll be danged if your Platter O’ Boobs didn’t just throw me right back to a traumatizing bridesmaid experience. I was the maid of honor for one of my very best of friends, who, blessherheart, is a RenFaire loving person of appalling enthusiasm. Of course she picked a corset style wedding dress and wanted me in a more or less identical style. The worst part is, she so desperately wanted me to look as nice as she did, AT HER VERY OWN WEDDING, yet she didn’t comprehend that what looked nice on her perfectly respectable rack would look horrifically like a less low-cut version of the Boob Buffet pictured above.

    I spent as much of the wedding as I could clutching my bouquet to my chest as if it were some sort of floral fichu. Eventually, sadly, I had to eat, and thus that dress and, (though I shudder to think of it) the video they took of me in it have passed into infamous legend. Fabulous, now I’m going to have to drown my sorrows in some sort of hard liquor. Is this perhaps why you provided us with so many drink recipes; were you perhaps anticipating the psychological trauma such outfits can cause?

  20. Lizzy April 10, 2010 at 5:17 am #

    As a Liverpool dweller who lives very near Aintree I just want to say we don’t all dress like that, ha =P Ladies day at Aintree does have a bit of a reputation for bringing out the orange tans/terrible dresses/fascinators/ridiculous heels contingent, though a lot of women who attend do dress more tastefully! I much prefer your style of reporting to the Daily Mail’s nastiness though ;-]

  21. Plumcake April 10, 2010 at 11:09 am #

    Ha Lizzy, I know. I’ve got a deep and abiding affection for Merseyside. Still, if I had the chance to go to Aintree I’d dress just as ridiculously. I’d save my tasteful stuff (bo.ring.) for Ascot.

  22. gemdiva April 10, 2010 at 11:36 am #

    Deb, I’m with you all the way on the hose subject. I think hosiery evens out skin tones and imperfections/bruises, etc. and gives a more polished appearance, which I appreciate. Also, I have found I am more prone to blisters when going barefoot, however I recently found this sort of wax that when applied to bare feet is supposed to fix that problem. If a woman is going to go bare legged and her legs are not yet tan, I’d suggest she invest in some sort of (really good) self tanner or leg makeup. It just looks better. IMHO

  23. Libby April 10, 2010 at 9:33 pm #

    Ruffles Peroxide would make a great name for a rock band.

  24. Leigh April 11, 2010 at 12:43 am #

    I kind of like peroxide and ruffles, too. I think it’s because she looks like my cousin (who is lots of fun to be with). At least she’s smiling and looks like she’s having a good time. Most of the others look either worried, or like their feet hurt.

  25. Kate K April 11, 2010 at 2:57 am #

    “Please value me for the one part of my body that’s socially acceptable?”

    Exactly! This is exactly what I’ve wanted to be able to point out and explain to my friends when they try to get me to “go out” with my boobs hanging out all over the place and don’t understand why I. will. not.

  26. Kath April 11, 2010 at 4:51 am #

    Whoa! Whoa! When did this blog become a site for trashing other women’s clothing choices?

    Ok so I don’t like a lot of things other women wear either, but I’m not going to post photos of women on my blog and trash them for those clothes.

    Not body positive nor feminist friendly. Very disappointing that you’ve taken an otherwise good blog down this route.

  27. raincoaster April 12, 2010 at 1:07 am #

    Kath: when didn’t it? Have you been here long?

    Now, my teenage subscription to Monarchy magazine comes in handy as I respond to the earlier question about hose going out of fashion: it was the doing of the late Diana, Princess of Wales, who stubbornly (and I’m sure to her mother’s chagrin) went hoseless pretty much 24/7 when she wasn’t wearing some gawdawful colour like bright blue or white, because it was the 80’s and we all did things we regretted later, like marrying that lout in the first place.

    Also: I think Ruffles Peroxide is my aunt.

  28. Jo April 12, 2010 at 3:29 am #

    I have one very simple question: What is the line between a fascinator and a hat?

    I’ve always thought that fascinators were basically hat decorations worn on the side of the head at an angle, but that was before I saw this. When does the hat-decoration-sans-hat qualify as a hat on its own? Is there some sort of dimensional (in terms of centimeters, not string theory) limit to fascination? If you wear it to church, is it a hat, no matter its size?

    Seriously: This bothers me greatly.

  29. Plumcake April 12, 2010 at 9:41 am #

    Jo, I don’t know if I can give you a definitive answer (I’m not sure there IS a definitive answer) but I don’t think hat decorations sans hat EVER counts as a proper hat. I think in order for it to be a hat, there must be some structural material (sinamay, horsehair, straw, etc) involved. Thus I would qualify the glamour model’s big bow as a proper hat. Meanwhile, if it’s on a headband, it’s most certainly NOT a hat.

  30. jojo.k April 12, 2010 at 11:46 am #

    I get the impression that young Tammy Faye was a child pageant victim.
    Every thing plus the pose equals ‘Little Miss Perfect’.

    Oh, and where can I order my t-shirt? Is it a v-neck?

  31. SusanC April 12, 2010 at 2:21 pm #

    “Uglye Girls Gettynge Their Tits Out Faire” mayde me spittith cofye pon ye olde keyborde.

    And yes, we need to see pictures of outfits and accessories gone wrong. The “Oh honey, no” posts is part of what makes this blog both informative and fun.

  32. ananas April 19, 2010 at 7:11 pm #

    Oh Plummy, if you think Ren Fest is bad for the “If I show enough boob, someone will love me!”, you’ve gotta hit an anime convention sometime. I say this with great love, as I staff an anime convention annually. And I know some people who rock the corset look. But you know what, I know a lot more socially inept women who think that boobs = epic love.