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Lazy Monday Poll: High Fidelity | Manolo for the Big Girl

Lazy Monday Poll: High Fidelity

Good morning my little mushroom caps, how’s every little thing? Well-rested? Delighted that it’s Monday and you’ve got a whole glorious work week full of cheersome colleagues and charming, reasonable bosses to look forward to? Me too! (That is sarcasm. I don’t do it very well.)

So let me just jump straight on my high horse this afternoon because I’ve been irked about it for a week:

Other people’s husbands:They are not for touching.

AND if you happen to BE someone else’s husband, kindly do not try to touch me. I don’t care if your wife doesn’t understand you. Maybe she doesn’t understand you because you’re trying to sleep with women who can only be described as “not her”.

I don’t know WHAT’S been going on lately, but men –men I know and like and until recently respected– have been All About This and while it is understandable because This (you’ve got to imagine me doing some sort of hand motion gesturing to my jelly, milkshake etc, I don’t really know what those things are: I don’t get MTV) is well worth wanting to get all up on, the fact remains that marriage in most cases means you’ve promised God and/or each other not to go chicken necking in someone else’s turtle pond until death you do part.

OH! And if you are GETTING married, you don’t get to expect any old-time’s-sake favors, either. Seriously? I mean SERIOUSLY?! Now THAT takes a pair, and a pair, IF YOU RECALL MISTER YOUKNOWWHOYOUARE, I am fully aware you do not possess and I don’t care if it WAS cold in that cabin. I will buy you a deviled egg plate and wish you well. I will NOT do that thing that almost got us kicked out of King’s Dominion that one time. God.

The same thing goes for girlfriends. If you’ve got one, you don’t get me and I don’t care if you are “in the process” of breaking up. I’m in the process of dying, that doesn’t mean I’m ready to shoot embalming fluid into my veins –although did you know you’re not allowed to buy only a cocktail before noon on Sunday in Texas? You have to buy food too. A bourbon and branch breakfast has become a post-church Sunday tradition for me, but since I had to go to the 9 a.m. instead of the 11:15 yesterday, I wound up with this:
bourbon and branch Sundays
Jeffrey Bernard should’ve punched me in the face.
(also, I am a Basil-Hayden’s girl and all they had was Maker’s. What am I, an animal?)

So anyway, that’s what’s on my mind today. What’s on yours?

25 Responses to “Lazy Monday Poll: High Fidelity”

  1. gemdiva May 17, 2010 at 2:56 pm #

    Perhaps off topic, but I’ve been fuming about this all weekend. I saw a documentary on LOGO on Saturday night about Rene Portland, former women’s basketball coach at Penn State (Training Rules). This woman had a “No Lesbians” policy for her team, made no bones about it and was allowed to continue doing as she pleased for 27 years until someone finally sued her ass (& Penn State’s). I am not a sports fan, I am not a Lesbian and I am not a Penn State alum. I do however have a soul and a moral compass. How anyone could be permitted to wreck the lives & careers of so many young women without censure for all those years is apalling. (Kicked off the team, loss of scholarships, outing them to families who may have been unaware of their orientation, loss of friendships, ostracized socially, etc.) A girl didn’t necessarily have to even BE a lesbian, just the coach’s suspicion that she might be, was enough to destroy her. Remember, we’re talking 17, 18, & 19 year olds. This also points out the disproportionate power of athletics in the modern university. Clearly, Penn State was being steered by their athletic department with little or no input from their academic community. Ms. Portland makes Joe McCarthy look almost saintly. Glad I got that out. I’ve been fuming all weekend and telling anyone who would listen. Thanks.

  2. J May 17, 2010 at 3:53 pm #

    Wow, did that hit home. I was recently broken up with in a manner that led several people to say “well, of course it’s normal to do that. IF YOU’RE AN [UNPRINTABLE].” And yes, in case you were wondering, I totally consoled myself with shoes. And a new boyfriend.

  3. SusanC May 17, 2010 at 4:02 pm #

    My best friend *just* had a similar experience to yours, Plummy. She was mortified when a mutual married friend of ours tried to kiss her (his excuse- his wife has a debilitating, chronic disease that’s dampened their marital relationship, and he and my friend share a lot of common interests.) Needless to say, the fact that this guy could walk away from the encounter took all her self control.

    She posits that because she’s been single for several years and is over 40 (in both years and pounds beyond “ideal weight”) she may have an “I am desperate” sign visible only to married men with wandering eyes. But she doesn’t get why someone would try to have a tawdry affair within a close circle of friends. Does the laziness/convenience factor really trump the consequences that occur once the infidelity is discovered? Who pees in his own pool?!

  4. Mrs. Hendricks May 17, 2010 at 4:09 pm #

    Only tangentially related, but did you read “Cleaving” by Julie Powell? I just read it last week and while I can’t whole-heartedly recommend it to everyone, it was sort of fascinating and disturbing. And the funny thing is, I’m not sure which was more disturbing: the account of her obsessive love affair, or her education in becoming a butcher. Sort of brutal, all of it. But I admired the honesty and the clarity of her storytelling.

  5. Thea May 17, 2010 at 4:31 pm #

    If you are Southern and the man is Southern – my favorite response in this situation is to look at him sadly and say “Bob I KNOW your mama raised you better than this” You remain a lady and he’ll be grovelling in shame at your church shoes

  6. jen209 May 17, 2010 at 4:49 pm #

    I went shopping this weekend. I needed a swimsuit and summer shoes. Struck gold on the summer shoes – gladiator sandals for weekends and black wedge peep-toe thingies for work (I attempted to find a link, but there were just too many shoes and I don’t remember the brand!). Both comfortable and both OH so cute.

    But I completely struck OUT on the swimsuit. Arrrgh. I just know I’m going to be relegated to buying something online, and then I’ll have no idea if the suit I’m buying is going to give me enough support in the chestal area. Even if I had given up on my No Black rule I was trying to follow, I wouldn’t have found anything. Boohoo. Will be consoling myself with girlfriends, fajitas and margaritas tonight.

  7. wildflower May 17, 2010 at 4:50 pm #

    I forgot where I read this, but it sounded really amusing and face-preserving, and I wonder if anyone’s ever put it into practice. What you are supposed to do is pretend you didn’t hear or were distracted at the time. Totally play innocent. Then, when the wife is around, say to him within her hearing, “What was that you were asking me about the other day? I’m sorry I was so distracted. It was a crazy day! But were you saying you needed help with something or other?”

  8. Lisa May 17, 2010 at 5:01 pm #

    @ wildflower So Awesome.

    Hmmmm. Nothing so interesting as being hit on. I have an unfortunately enormous carrot cake left over from a party we have (it was a lovely cake, but it was very large, and I fear wasting it.) I have some Knob Creek if that makes you feel any better.

    I did buy some perfume–JP Gaulthier for Men, which I am wearing now.

    I am failing miserably at implementing “I’m Going To Be Productive This Summer” Plan. But I am doing a nice set of analyses for one the community organizations here who serve parents with autistic children.

    God I’m boring.

  9. LL May 17, 2010 at 5:26 pm #

    I received a really (REALLY) strange unmarked package in the mail last week. No return address, very strange contents. Does anybody know if the post office can help me figure out who sent it (I do know it was sent from here in Austin.) Or would I just be wasting my time?

  10. Suseo May 17, 2010 at 5:35 pm #

    Oh wildflower, I promise you, you’re not even as REMOTELY boring as moi–it’s 92F in Houston and all I want to do is find an unoccupied chaise longue and do a moist, fanning-self sort of swoon thing.

    Re: shameless men, my best friend’s fiance walked me to my car the week before their wedding, leaned over for a chaste little kiss on the cheek and proceeded to stick his tongue in my mouth. He maintained that I was a Drama Queen, who was COMLETELY over-reacting, and slunk off to his own car, feeling deeply misunderstood. Ick.

    And can anyone remind me what that nifto miracle anti-chafing cream is called? I know someone mentioned it last week, but I can’t find the reference. Anyone?

  11. wildflower May 17, 2010 at 6:08 pm #

    Suseo, it was Lisa who accused herself of being boring, not me! But I’ll gladly take the hit as I don’t consider my Summer life to be particularly interesting, either. It’s full of chores!

    And I don’t recall about that hand cream, but I’m a big fan of straight up shea butter.

  12. g-dog May 17, 2010 at 6:57 pm #

    A friend of mine had an affair with another friend’s husband. We were all part of a group of friends (obviously some more friendly than others). It was all VERY UGLY….
    I. and a couple of others, started suspecting there was some funny business going on – and eventually they figured out they needed to confess.
    I understand people getting involved with others who misrepresent being single – but otherwise I am extremely harsh & judgmental regarding this behavior. Wife’s dying? At least have the decency to end one relationship before starting the next!

  13. ladymissm May 17, 2010 at 8:32 pm #

    This blog turned me on to The Perfumed Court, and I do so love it so. I have found so many amazing scents there that I gave my mother a gift certificate to the site for Mother’s Day. I explained about the decants and how it lets you try niche fragrances without dropping a ton on a whole bottle, etc – or so I thought. I got a lovelygracious e-mail from her thanking me, and letting me know she had already placed her order for her ‘faux’ perfume.

    Oh Mama. She thought I’d given her a gift certificate for knock-offs.

  14. SarahDances May 17, 2010 at 8:38 pm #

    Oy, I had a relative’s husband get drunk and come on to me once upon a time. When he’d sobered up and apologized, I made it clear it was never to be spoken of again; unless of course, he does something like that again, in which case he ought to be prepared for fire and brimstone.

    On my mind lately, I have been saving my pennies and am just about ready to spring for a bottle of Ormonde Jayne, either Ormonde Woman or Frangipani Absolute. I want both, but will have to do one now and one later. Having a difficult time deciding which one I should buy now. Thinking the Frangipani is a better summer scent, so leaning towards that, but not one hundred percent sure.

  15. Eilish May 17, 2010 at 11:51 pm #

    On a somewhat related note, being the wife of the large, manly husband with the attractive tattoos on his arms, I would kindly ask of the women who are perhaps not clued in: Please keep the mitts off the tattoos!

    I get that you think they are cool; I do too. He’s polite to women and is probably not going to say anything to you unless you make him really uncomfortable, but it’s a very personal thing and they’re not three dimensional.

    I don’t put my hands on pregnant strangers’ bellies, I don’t run my fingers through random people’s hair and I. Do. Not. Touch any man’s tattoo work except my own man.

    Thanks. I needed to vent apparently. This seems obvious to me (just from a personal space standpoint), but perhaps it is not to others. There are probably different rules for unmarried people with tattoos, but we got most of ours after we married and so they are meaningful to us as a couple.

  16. AmazonAngelle May 18, 2010 at 1:23 am #

    Hmm…namely that I have 108 days until my big summer nerd-a-thon and haven’t even committed to a costume yet, let alone makeup, hair etc. Ugh otherwise it’s been keen teepees here lately

  17. Leslie May 18, 2010 at 1:52 am #

    THANK You. I cannot stand it when a woman touches my husband in that way we all have of touching a man that we like and maybe want more of. He doesnt get it until I point out that he doesnt want a man touching the small of my back. If you are not married to him, if you are not related to him you DO. NOT. SMOOTH. HIS. TIE. Quit touching my sexy husband! GRARARRR!

    I’m glad I’m not the only one who thinks its inappropriate and is a little ferocious about it.

    On the topic of whats on my mind, I’m so damned frustrated with having to cater to some people’s feelings and I’m having a hard time being a lady about it. I was raised with men, worked for about 8 years with men and now work in an almost all female environment. To them, I’m bossy and stubborn. They dont know how to approach me, even though I’m a very kind person. I’ve given them ample opportunity to allow constructive criticism to flow. I’ve done just about everything in my power to soothe them and make them feel like they can approach me and tell me when something I do bothers them so that I can try to fix it. I’m not the easiest of people to deal with, but damned if I havent tried to be. I’m so tired of being the one to try to make things less uncomfortable for them. How hard is it to grow up and learn how to deal with many different kinds of personalities? I’ve managed it. I know my own personality and how people can approach me and how they cant. I’m sick of my ‘bossy and stubborn’ nature being the problem. It gets stuff done and I’m more than careful to avoid stepping on toes.
    GRRR.

  18. Victor May 18, 2010 at 8:47 am #

    Speaking of touching–why does one feel compelled to rub the belly of a woman with child? I confess the urge strikes me, but I have *never* acted on it.

    (On a side note, I once worked at a white-shoes law firm w/ very, very long hallways. I turned a corner into one of the long hallways and saw, at the other end, a pregnant attorney talking with a young man [a project assistant]. His hand reached for her belly, made contact, and I wish I knew what she said to him because his hand then flew off her belly as if it were plutonium. I also wish I hadn’t laughed so loud, because he was a good guy, and guys generally don’t laugh at each other in certain circumstances–being embarassed by a woman one of those circumstances.)

  19. Jezebella May 18, 2010 at 10:33 am #

    So, Eilish, if your man happens to have an awesome tattoo I’d like to see a tiny bit more of, is it okay to ask to see, if I promise not to touch? I’m not talking about asking him to take his shirt off, just, you know, hey, can I see the inside of that forearm sleeve? I don’t mind if people ask to see my tatts, so I usually ask, but I don’t want to piss off anybody’s wife, you know?

    Leslie, I have been the bossy stubborn not-girly-enough woman at my workplace for almost 9 years now. Some people have learned to deal with me, others still can’t stand me. You can’t please all the people all the time. There’s nothing wrong with *you* and as long as you’re competent, civil, and courteous, I’d stop worrying about it. It’s their problem if they can’t be professional and deal with different personalities. They’d probably be just FINE if your personality came in a male package. Some people want the workplace to be a freakin tea party all the time, and I’m just not interested in playing Garden Club Lady while I’m at work.

  20. g-dog May 18, 2010 at 7:13 pm #

    @Jezebella & @Leslie – interesting that women (and men) often do NOT have a problem dealing with a man with a similar approach to getting things done…
    @Leslie – have you tried just telling people the best way to approach you? I know it sounds a little weird – but seems you are probably a pretty straight-shooter. Also, how about approaching some others, I think you need a couple of ‘success stories’ about being approachable and helpful, so if the mountain won’t come to Mohammed…

  21. GoP May 18, 2010 at 7:54 pm #

    @ Leslie — I’m going to put on my counseling hat (it won’t hurt a bit, I’m a professional). I would hold a ground rules meeting where everyone discusses how they want to be treated and how they in turn will treat everyone else. That way you are not it, so to speak. Good rules include “If you have a problem, talk to the person you have the problem with first.”

    When whining commences you then pull out the rule sheet and have a refresher course. It’s very embarressing to be confronted with your own rules.

    I’ve always preferred working with men as well, honestly, but a relational style of communication doesn’t have to be a bad thing, and you don’t have to give up who you are to do so (I’m thinking you are an enneagram type 8, non?).

  22. Genevieve May 19, 2010 at 9:26 am #

    Really off-topic (also, it is Wednesday, not Monday!), but I came across this website, and it struck me as something you’d really like, Plumcake:

    http://theimpossiblecool.tumblr.com/

  23. Eilish May 19, 2010 at 10:08 pm #

    @Jezabella As long as it’s in a place for public consumption, sure! I don’t mind that at all. In fact, I think most people with tattoos like admiring other people’s work; I know I do. Like I said, they’re not three dimensional, you don’t need to touch to admire.

  24. Leah May 21, 2010 at 3:33 am #

    Basil Hayden’s is a bourbon I can respect. Maker’s is okay for cooking and rail drinks, for those who are Into That. But in a cocktail it’s a waste, bourbon cocktails are designed to play off the spiciness in a good bourbon and Maker’s is way too mellow. I’m a Booker’s girl myself–although Baker’s will do on a weeknight.

  25. zuzu May 22, 2010 at 12:17 pm #

    I’m a little late to the game here, but I have a fashion question involving scarves. I’ve just been laid off, and I’m going to a career fair on Monday. It’s for librarians (the field I’m moving into, not the one I just got laid off from) but because it’s in New York, there will be a lot of financial firms recruiting for their information centers.

    I plan on wearing a black shirtdress (with a collar). Haven’t decided on the shoes yet and may have to go buy something in a closed-toe slingback. The real question I have involves the scarf, which I’m wearing to break up all the black and add a touch of insouciance. How can I tie one (I have both square and oblong) so it doesn’t conflict with the collar and I don’t look like a flight attendant or strangle myself? Thanks!