Manolo for the Big Girl Fashion, Lifestyle, and Humor for the Plus Sized Woman.

June 7, 2010

Monday Hotness: Haka Edition

Filed under: Sports,The Monday Hotness — Miss Plumcake @ 12:20 pm

Dear Jerome Kaino,

AB Jerome Kaino 3

We get it, you’re hot. Also you’re like, Crazy Tall, and for some reason I thought most Samoan men tended to be on the shortish side. Also also, I’m sort of disappointed you’re not covered in caramel and coconut a la the Samoas I sold in Girl Scouts:



Anyway, I’m featuring you and some of your other New Zealand All Blacks pals for Eilish who made a special request for her birthday (which was like two weeks ago, uh, whoops).  That being said, I feel I have to tell you: Your tattoos are causing me some very Mixed Feelings.

All Blacks in the pool

(this is NOT what MY aquarobics class looks like)

Feeling A: I hate tribal tattoos, because Those Guys always have them, and you know how I feel about Those Guys.

Feeling B: Yet you are Samoan and the pe’a is legitimately one of your traditions so it’s not really your fault every popped-collar spray gel enthusiast from here to Timbuktu has gotten stupid tribal tattoos (confidential to Those Guys: dude, you’re a Methodist from Lubbock, if you want to get a ritually significant tattoo why not go for a portrait of a lime congeal from Luby’s?) and it probably makes you madder than it does me. Also, nipple star notwithstanding, it’s kinda hot.

Feeling C: Just because it’s ethnically legit doesn’t PRECLUDE you from being one of Those Guys, also, you have YOUR OWN NAME tattooed on your arm, which makes me think either you’re one of Those Guys, in which case I have to hate you, or you drink a lot and black out (fair enough, although maybe a business card tucked in your bra might be more discreet) OR you’re like that guy who was in Priscilla Queen of The Desert who had that memory thing and ended up shooting that guy who looked like a woodchuck. Because I’ve seen that movie and this doesn’t really end well for you.

In conclusion: You should probably come over to my house and lift heavy stuff while I watch. No need to bring pants.

Moving on to some of your other team mates:

(more hotness after the jump!)

AB Stephen Donald

Stephen Donald. He’s totally into fat Episcopalian chicks with violet hair, right? Because I think he needs to be into fat Episcopalian chicks with violet hair.

Uh. If you know what I mean, and I think you do.

He’s awfully pretty and rugby players (blesstheirhearts) don’t tend to be pretty in the face. I particularly like how his nose isn’t committed to going in one particular direction. Also, Wikipedia (motto: It’s On the Internet so It Must Be True) says his nickname is “Beaver” and I feel like there should be a story behind that.

Speaking of questionable names, Mister Andrew Hore here, who is –I am not making this up– a hooker.

AB Andrew Hore

(Mr Hore attempts career suicide)

He also apparently was convicted of shooting a protected fur seal in 2005. Dude. I am just this side of Cruella DeVil (or, you know, J. Lo) when it comes to wearing fur but seriously? YOU DON’T SHOOT A FUR SEAL.  That’s like shooting a toddler in the face. Except worse, because fur seals aren’t bastards. So be on notice, you are NOT part of the hotness, you are merely rosemary basil sorbet between two DESERVING hotnesses.

Like Dan Carter here, who is quite sweet and wee for a rugby player. He’s barely an inch taller than I am, but isn’t he so adorable? I want to make him little Vegemite soldiers and dippy eggs and yell at the big boys who pick on him.

AB Dan Carter


Finally, it isn’t a proper rugby hotness without some totally gratuitous scrum photos featuring Questionable Arm Placement:

AB scrum

and of course we couldn’t talk about the All Blacks without the Haka, the traditional Maori war dance performed before each match since the 1880’s:

Happy belated birthday, Eilish! Many happy returns!


  1. Petal, wouldn’t caramel and coconut be, I dunno, a bit de trop?

    The man looks jolly tasty as it is.

    Comment by Suseo — June 7, 2010 @ 12:33 pm

  2. @Suseo, ah, but the Plumcake Family Motto is There’s No Excess Like Wretched Excess. I left out the chocolate though!

    Comment by Plumcake — June 7, 2010 @ 12:45 pm

  3. Yum. Yum. Yummy. Yummieness.
    Please, Plummy, when they are done lifting heavy things at your house- send them to mine

    Comment by KimKS — June 7, 2010 @ 1:17 pm

  4. Yummy. That has definitely improved my already pleasant Monday.

    Comment by Sarahbe — June 7, 2010 @ 1:26 pm

  5. Oh, the Haka! I have watched a many of these as my husband scoured YouTube for the “perfect” Haka video. The throat-slitting Haka is pretty scary also, but I like the subtitles in this one. I do tend to think anyone who tattoos their own name on their arm is either a douche or too stupid to be of much use, except for, as you said, lifting heavy things. As far as full-contact sports go, rugby is darned fun to watch, and fairly easy to understand for an outsider. And rugby guys are pretty cool, mostly.

    Comment by LeighB in ATL — June 7, 2010 @ 1:33 pm

  6. Wow.

    Just. Wow.

    Plumcake, you are the hotness goddess. I actually had to go in the other room because the hubby is working from home today and asked why I was giggling like a 13 year old meeting a Jonas Brother. (OK, those weren’t his exact words, but whatever.) YOU ROCK! Thank you for the lovely belated present.

    I’m beyond impressed that you highlighted Jerome Kaino who hits my personal hotness trifecta of perfection: a tall, tattooed man that can do the haka. (Strangely, quite rare.) And the aqua aerobics class? Thank you. Just, thank you.

    Comment by Eilish — June 7, 2010 @ 1:33 pm

  7. @Eilish, I’m glad you liked it because I was up at 2 in the morning going “Crap! I forgot to do that girl’s Haka Hotness!” and spent the next two hours looking through photos, which, while not a strenuous task, did deprive me of a good deal of sleep. I give and I give to you people.

    @LeighB, My first kiss was with a rugby player so I’ve got undying affection for them. It’s really the best sport there is, as far as I’m concerned (though don’t let the guy I’m seeing, a diehard soccer player, overhear)

    @KimKS, I would but I think they’re going to be busy for a long, long time.

    Comment by Plumcake — June 7, 2010 @ 1:41 pm

  8. Do they tattoo their own names so they’ll remember them?

    PS You are hilarious. A Methodist from Lubbock. Not a C of C’er (one cupper) or Pentecostal because they would never tattoo.

    Comment by The gold digger — June 7, 2010 @ 1:42 pm

  9. I can’t help it, the haka makes me giggle a bit. I just picture myself as a the poor shy rugby player having to perform it and just not feeling it, you know?

    If water aerobics looked like that I might be persuaded to attend!

    Comment by Abby — June 7, 2010 @ 1:47 pm

  10. @Abby, I don’t think rugby players are, as a rule, the retiring kind.

    @Gold Digger
    , thanks. I actually partially stole that line from a pal who is an Episcopal rector in Macon, Georgia. He once said something along the lines of “we went to Luby’s shared a lime congeal in the way only two straight men can.” and it cracked me up so hard I’m still not recovered.

    Comment by Plumcake — June 7, 2010 @ 1:58 pm

  11. Plumcake, you poor thing. Tell you what, from now on, let me know when you need to search (and search and search and search) for hot rugby pictures and I’ll be happy to help. It’s a tough job, but I’ll help you out.

    Because I care.

    Comment by Eilish — June 7, 2010 @ 1:58 pm

  12. No need to bring pants!

    I’m always after the boy to do yardwork in short cutoffs, because as a tween I had a crush on the gardener…

    Comment by Holls — June 7, 2010 @ 2:21 pm

  13. Okay, yes this was the best Monday hotness *ever*. Thank you Eilish and Plumcake. I’m now looking for a place to discreetly save that pic of that heavily tattooed Samoan. I don’t have the same prejudice against tribal tattoos on South Pacific men.

    Comment by Karen — June 7, 2010 @ 4:21 pm

  14. Loved, loved, loved the Haka! But the other team’s reaction was the highlight. They sort of look befuddled, but also a bit unsettled, with the tribalness of it all, don’t you think? Those dudes make baseball players (and I adore baseball) look very, very silly. A spectacular Monday Hotness.

    Comment by Mrs. Hendricks — June 7, 2010 @ 4:25 pm

  15. Boy, if I could find a water aerobics class like that I would be one fit lady. That might be a good way to keep me on a diet.

    Comment by Michelle Wood — June 7, 2010 @ 4:44 pm

  16. Bathing suits are optional if I’m in that pool.

    And is it really a tribal tattoo if you’re a tribe member?
    Isn’t it just a tattoo?

    And as for the name on his arm, I vote for him being a dedicated and loyal family man as it is his last name, where as the narcissism would be obvious were it his first name. At least that’s the story in my daydream.

    Also, Stephen and Dan remind me of my first crush. Ah, the Celts. Yum.

    Comment by jojo.k — June 7, 2010 @ 5:07 pm

  17. Oh my….that’s a nice post to view!! It took me a while to get through it because I was staring at the pics:)

    Comment by LPSFashion — June 7, 2010 @ 5:52 pm

  18. You said, “Rector.”

    Comment by the gold digger — June 7, 2010 @ 6:38 pm

  19. LOTS of Samoan men in this area — actually, there are more Samoans in this city than there are in Samoa — and they are actually rather a tall people, on the whole. Many big-built, beautiful Samoan men and women around here, including my 6’6″ and about 300-pound downstairs neighbor. (And his under-five-foot Filipina wife. They’re very pleasant people, and they look impossibly cute together.)

    Comment by Mifty — June 7, 2010 @ 7:01 pm

  20. No love. GauguinFail-Epic. I’m from this corner of the world, and this ickyness just repels me.

    Comment by Margo — June 7, 2010 @ 7:11 pm

  21. And for folks who are into a little bit of something more ‘tasty’ in terms of haka, here is the NZ Bakery of the Year Winner of 2007.

    Comment by Toby Wollin — June 7, 2010 @ 7:14 pm

  22. As Mifty says, Samoan men tend to be on the big side. Remember in Doonsbury when Uncle Duke had the football team and brought in Lava Lava Lenny from American Samoa to be the front line? All by himself? Yeah. That big.

    I once worked for a bookstore in a small chain. Each week a group from our store would go to the home office/warehouse to get books for the coming week. Most of the guys working in the warehouse were Samoan. Not only did they carry around huge boxes of heavy books like they were Kleenex, they also sang amazing close harmony.

    Good times, good times.

    Comment by Twistie — June 7, 2010 @ 7:38 pm

  23. Oh damn, I think I just came.

    Comment by Melissa — June 7, 2010 @ 9:30 pm

  24. Ah – that hits the spot. I just want to trace those tatoos with my tongue…

    Comment by g-dog — June 7, 2010 @ 9:57 pm

  25. those pacific islander and maori men are just lovely to look at, aren’t they? and the haka is very impressive. but i can’t help but want to giggle when i see white men doing the haka, they try so hard but i fear that no matter how hard they try they will still look a little silly.

    Comment by kathi — June 7, 2010 @ 10:01 pm

  26. Sigh… so beautiful, but where’s Nonu?

    Comment by Lisa — June 7, 2010 @ 11:09 pm

  27. my, my. It’s rather warm in here.

    Comment by theDiva — June 7, 2010 @ 11:16 pm

  28. Fierce! Fierce! Fierce! For those of you who have never seen the Haka live, it is frickin’ electrifying. When the hubby and I honeymooned in Hawaii, we deliberately picked the luau option on the island that included the Haka. The hubby jokes that he has War Chant Envy because “Ninja war chants are very short and quiet.”

    And for double the fierce, check this out:

    Comment by Monica — June 7, 2010 @ 11:17 pm

  29. He tattooed his LAST name in honour of his family name, not coz he can’t remember his name or coz he has a big ego. While some may see the tattoo’s as ‘tribal’, for many Samoans living abroad (such as in NZ) it is an affirmation of their identity.

    Comment by NiuZila — June 7, 2010 @ 11:18 pm

  30. Oh, my. Thank you for the water aerobics shot, Plumcake. I was needing a new desktop.

    Comment by Margo A — June 8, 2010 @ 12:09 am

  31. He tattooed his LAST name in honour of his family name, not coz he can’t remember his name or coz he has a big ego

    That was a joke, kind of like, Why does an Aggie put “TGIF” on his shoes?

    To remember “Toes go in first.”

    I liked this one:

    Comment by The gold digger — June 8, 2010 @ 7:24 am

  32. Hunter S. Thompson made me believe Samoans are all very tall. Unbelievably tall, and also substantial. Anyway, I greatly appreciate that shot in the pool–very generous and thoughtful of you, thank you! And I’ll be laughing at the Methodist from Lubbock and the idea of toddler bastards and fur seals for days.

    Comment by ChaChaheels — June 8, 2010 @ 8:21 am

  33. No need to bring pants.

    Thank you so much for that line! And yeah, any of the team want to show up at my house to lift stuff don’t need to bring pants either.

    Comment by Wicked — June 8, 2010 @ 9:05 am

  34. Obviously I do not watch nearly enough rugby.

    Comment by Orora — June 8, 2010 @ 9:13 am

  35. Mmmmm, rugby players are the best thing this side of unlimited Girl Scout cookies, yesyes…

    I have to say, though, as a prop (one of the people hugging the heck outta the hooker), my favourite moment in rugby is when the sir yells “SECONDS IN!” and hands head toward crotches. It always makes me giggle. XP

    Comment by Verita — June 8, 2010 @ 10:52 pm

  36. There is A LOT of hotness in this post! lol Great blog!

    Comment by Monique — June 10, 2010 @ 3:30 am

  37. I would like to thank you for a heretofore unaccomplished twofer: Making me laugh so hard my injured shoulder quit hurting, while simultaneously providing me with enough dreaming material for six weeks.

    I’ve always wanted to go to New Zealand. Now I want to go to NZ and go swimming.

    Comment by Jo — June 10, 2010 @ 9:35 pm

  38. Thank you for posting rugby hotness. My husband plays rugby and while its a dirty, harsh sport, it just screams manliness to the very feminine part of me. YUM.

    Comment by Leslie — June 30, 2010 @ 1:06 am

  39. “confidential to Those Guys: dude, you’re a Methodist from Lubbock, if you want to get a ritually significant tattoo why not go for a portrait of a lime congeal from Luby’s?”

    This made me gasp for air, I was laughing so hard. I went to many a Luby’s as a kid in Plano, TX. Hialrious.

    I also worked for a college rugby team for about three seasons, and my reaction to finding out that one of the positions is called a “hooker” again left me gasping for air.

    Love this post! Hot men. Rugby. Hookers. Luby’s. LOVE.

    Comment by JayKay — October 2, 2010 @ 1:14 am

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