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Edge of Seventeen | Manolo for the Big Girl

Edge of Seventeen

Yeah, I can’t resist the opportunity to make a Stevie Nicks reference. So sue me. What brings her song to my mind today?

Today makes seventeen years since I married Mr. Twistie.

Has it all been roses? Well, roses have thorns and life isn’t perfect, so yes, in a funny way it has been. As with roses, the difficulties we have faced haven’t outweighed the beauty or the charm of our love and our lives. Given the option, I would absolutely marry him all over again. Given the chance, I would marry him every single day.

What does this have to do with being a Big Girl?

We are told every day in every way that being larger than average means we are unloveable. If we just lost weight, we could find love, you know. After all, who could love someone who is fat? Who could love a woman who stands tall or talks loudly?

And yet every day many of us stand in stark defiance of this assumption by having loving relationships with life partners who adore us. We have lovers and spouses and booty calls, depending on our circumstances and preferences.

Does everyone get the brass ring? No. Does everyone even want it? Again, no. Does everyone who is thin get true love by default? Hardly.

It’s not about dress size. It’s not about height. It’s not about toeing the societally acceptable gender line. It’s about the choice to look, the luck to find the right person (and I don’t give a fig whether that person has opposing or matching genitals), and the courage to take a chance on that right person, should you find him or her.

Will you find the sort of love I have? I can’t tell. There’s simply no way to know. It’s a crap shoot at best. But I do know one thing: if you let your packaging stand in the way, you definitely won’t.

If you’re looking for love, the best advice I can give you is to be unapologetically you. After all, you want someone to love you for who you are. Let people know who that is, and you have a much better chance of finding the person who will delight in you the way Mr. Twistie and I delight in one another.

14 Responses to “Edge of Seventeen”

  1. Jessie June 13, 2010 at 8:59 am #

    Happy aniversary Twistie! and Congrautlations to Mr.Twistie as well

  2. Meg June 13, 2010 at 9:24 am #

    Congratulations! I wish you many more years of bliss.

  3. Courtney June 13, 2010 at 10:50 am #

    Happy Anniversary! I have been reading Manolo for the Big Girl for a few years now, and your post moved me enough to comment for the very first time. This is exactly how I wish everyone would look at life and love! Thank you for this.

  4. Ali June 13, 2010 at 11:14 am #

    Yes, happy anniversary!

    As a fat girl I went through the phases a lot of fat girls go through. First, I was too shy to ever talk to any guy because I assumed they would just find me disgusting anyway. That’s what my family and the kids in my class, people on the street, had always told me. Like one time when I was 14 and I dared to wear lipstick a boy in my class said “Lipstick won’t make you pretty, you look just as fat and ugly”. And that was just one of a million insults I heard daily.
    For years I was afraid to dress in any way that would make me stand out – I just wanted to not be noticed.

    It was SO HARD to finally come out of my shell. At 19 I moved to Amsterdam from a different country and it changed my life. I was so shy but I met some amazing friends who told me I was beautiful, even with my body. I went out a lot and I tried my hand at another stereotypical fat girl phase – the promiscuous fat girl. I wanted to be crazy and unapologetic but most of all – I wanted to be loved and desired.
    I ended up kissing a lot of men but not actually sleeping with a lot of them because I was still too embarrassed by my body. In a strange way that was a good thing because I don’t think I would have gotten anything out of sleeping with all those men I kissed (except and STD maybe). I think it would have made me feel not so good about myself.

    I didn’t have any serious relationships until I met my husband. I don’t know if that was because I was/am fat and thus not desired or because I hated myself so much that I made myself unlovable to the world.

    What I did see though is that a lot of my friends had the same problems – some of them still do. They can’t get/keep a serious, loving relationship and it doesn’t matter what they look like – skinny, fat, pretty, less pretty – and the problem is always confidence. If you don’t feel like you deserve to be loved – it makes it a lot harder for people to love you.

    My now husband took on the challenge to love me so much that I started loving myself. It’s not an easy task to learn to love yourself. I have been with my husband for 6 years now and I am still not fully comfortable with myself despite having somebody (who is not a fat admirer – just a ME admirer – no matter if I lose or gain weight which I have all done in our 6 years together) who tells me I am wonderful and beautiful and perfect no matter what I weigh.

    But the happy ending here is not the fact that I found a man but the fact that I now believe that I do deserve to be loved.

  5. Cat June 13, 2010 at 1:22 pm #

    Happy anniversary to you and Mr. Twistie!

  6. Jana June 13, 2010 at 1:35 pm #

    Happy Anniversary to you and Mr. Twistie!

    In the spirit of your post (though I’m sure many Manolo for the Big Girl fans have seen it before), I thought I’d drop a link to the Museum of Fat Love. :-)
    http://love.twowholecakes.org/index.php?album=fat-love

  7. Constance June 13, 2010 at 3:06 pm #

    Very well said, and important to remind women, especially young women, that how much you weigh does not (does not have to) determine the quality of your relationships.

    All my youth I was told, “No (decent) man will want you if you don’t lose weight.” And I totally believed it. And it just wasn’t true.

    And now I am an older woman, in a very stable and loving relationship, and I look around at my thinner sisters and friends whom I always assumed had all the opportunities, and I suspect they are a bit envious of this aspect of my life… I don’t know anybody who is more blessed than I am in terms of their partner.

  8. Rubygirl June 13, 2010 at 3:52 pm #

    Twistie, happy anniversary! This was a great post, with great thoughts. I’m bookmarking it for those times when I need a little boost. Thanks!

  9. theDiva June 13, 2010 at 7:07 pm #

    Happy anniversary to the Twisties, and many more!

  10. wildflower June 13, 2010 at 8:48 pm #

    “No (decent) man will want you if you don’t lose weight.”

    Really? REALLY??? Oughtn’t it to be the reverse? I mean, no DECENT man chooses a partner based on looks alone.

    Or, no INDECENT man will want you if you don’t lose weight.

  11. Lisa June 13, 2010 at 10:29 pm #

    Congratulations, Dear Mr. and Ms. Twistie. Many many happy returns of the day.

  12. bushpiglet June 14, 2010 at 4:00 am #

    Congratulations Twistie, and to Mr Twistie who is obviously on to a good thing as well! A great relationship such a gift. Constance, I’m with you 100%. Looks and figures fade but relationships based on trust, affection and friendship endure. I would rather have my partner than anything or anyone else. (most of the time!)

  13. Twistie June 14, 2010 at 11:28 am #

    Thanks to you all for your good wishes. It’s been a good seventeen years, and he woke me up with a kiss this morning, which it a good indication that the next seventeen will be a lot like the last seventeen.

    Also, for the first time in about seven years, Mr. Twistie didn’t have a gig on our anniversary! That meant we could go out for our anniversary dinner on our actual anniversary. I’m chuffed.

  14. Margo A June 14, 2010 at 1:57 pm #

    Mazel Tov!