Y’all, I am not even prepared to talk about how England is doing in the World Cup. I mean, exactly how many t-shirts do I have to wear before they stop choking like, well, like something I’m not going to say but is really funny? I was running around church last week wearing my lucky England football t-shirt –the one with the neck cut out— and I spent the whole day IN THE SERVICE OF THE LORD looking like an extra from Flashdance who happened to have an unfortunate thyroid problem and STILL you choke? What tiny frogs, England? This is your national game. Shouldn’t you, like, BE GOOD AT IT? Whatever happened to the spirit of 66? Is it like Paul McCartney where you were awesome all through the 60’s and then committed the rest of your life to making people who want to love you stab themselves in the face? I mean look at America: we win the World Series every freakin’ year. POL POT has had a better year more recently than you have. GEEZE.
What’s been going on with you? Are you, like me, perhaps a touch over-invested in THE GREATEST SPORTING EVENT IN THE WORLD (with the Navy/St John’s croquet tournament coming in a close but respectable second) or do you hate freedom and happiness and are ignoring the whole thing? I’ve mostly been watching soccer, going to the gym, and talking admirable levels of smack about both the English (choke) and the French (who have been confirming my theory that all hot French men are really 12 year old girls 2 days before their first boy/girl dance). As my pal Joey –a professional sportscaster and Important Person Who Knows Stuff– says “They put up the white flag and surrendered again. I don’t know how those other stripes even GOT there.”