So we all know of my almost innumerate imaginary secret boyfriends, Lanvin designer Alber Elbaz is possibly the one for whom I have the most cheek-pinching affection.

I mean come ON how do you not want to squeeze him? And maybe see if honey comes out of his head? He’s pretty much the only designer working today to whom I would like to talk really embarrassing baby talk. Hooza fashion visionary with a remarkably witty appreciation of the female form who singlehandedly revived a grand but flagging house of couture? Ris rit ru? Ris rit ru? Res rit ris!!! and so on.

Anyway, I know Alber isn’t over accessories, but I just want to kiss him for even being involved in the production of brightly colored, beautifully made python ballet flats, because it hits pretty much every note I want for every day mucking about.  Every single pair of python flats I’ve owned I’ve worn into the ground and wished I’d bought three.

I would get every penny’s worth of wear out of all of these. Check them out, along with other Lanvin –including some of the best and brightest flats I’ve seen anywhere, many on sale– at Barney’s.

Hello my little crescent rolls, how’s every little thing? It’s time once again for your weekly humpletter, highlighting some Plumcake-approved pieces from this week’s sales.

Before I do, let’s have a little chat about the fish shirt, shall we?

Yeah, I wasn’t a fan either, but the thing is, we have like a bazillion (editor’s note: possibly not an actual bazillion) readers and we’re not going to be able to please all of you. Is the fish shirt horrendous? I think so. But clearly Twistie didn’t and there are probably plenty of folks who have yearned their entire lives for a fish shirt just like that one. So you ignore it, resist the temptation to leave ugly comments about the mental state of someone who is providing you a free service, and move merrily along with your glammy little life. Okay? Great. I’m glad we had this little chat.

ANYHOODLE

At the Avenue we’ve got a whole lotta BOGO going on, with the entire store at buy one, get 50% off (excludes clearance).  Use code AV101087.

I’m digging the retro stylings of the ruched side bathing suit (which I’d like better in red, but whaddya gonna do?) and this sexy but sturdy Swiss dot balconette bra, because every girl has got to embrace her inner Betty Grable sometime.

Jessica London has get your highest price item 30% off using JLE4579

I am enamored of this yellow sheath with a horsebit buckle shoulder detail (which is a nice variation on the overplayed one-shoulder shtick that’s fashiony in the good way without being fashiony in the bad way) and this classic rayon/linen blend dress in luscious colors that is just effortless and breezy and pretty much everything I want in summer dressing.

Over at Lord and Taylor’s (new affiliate, yay!) we’ve got 20% everything, using code SALE.

I’m having a major cream moment, so of course I love the Yves Saint Laurent feel of these wide leg silk pants from Ralph Lauren, which would be perfect paired with a modal tee and maybe a sequined vest or an arm full of bangles for a modern take on evening separates.

(P.S., I hate the way they have these styled. P.P.S., if a single one of you complains about not being able to wear cream silk because you’ll make a mess, so help me I will turn this blog around. If I can eat a plate of pasta with red sauce in a floor length white linen dress, you can go four hours in a pair of cream pants.)

Kiyonna has 20% off any order over $100 and free shipping using code GOODBUY which means these Wear It Until Your Skin Falls Off date dresses would end up running about $150 for both.

Pictured here are the Vivienne and Tory cinch dresses, modeled by Ashley “Too Racktastic For Prime Time” Graham, my favorite plus sized model.

and in this case it’s the price tag on these lovely (if a bit literal) YSL rosette ankle sandals.

Dear Chanel Rouge Hydrabase Creme Lipstick in “Energy”,

Listen, I know it’s been a long time since you’ve heard from me. Ever since you discontinued yourself and ruined our relationship I haven’t really had the emotional strength to try to be friends again. We were so good together, but you decided good wasn’t good enough and left me. Well, Energy, fine. I don’t need you. Sure we had some laughs, but I’m with someone else now. Someone who understands me. Someone who doesn’t set me back thirty bucks and STILL melts off whenever I even look at a wine glass. Don’t think I forgot about that, OR the time you melted in my car and messed up the dove gray kid leather and cost me $200 to have cleaned, and you know what tools the guys at the Volvo place are.  Anyway, Energy, I’m happy now and I hope you are too (p.s., I secretly don’t).

Do Not Love,

Miss Plumcake

So. The perfect neutral lip. It’s like a unicorn, right? Except if you give me a goat and a hacksaw I can make a unicorn.

As I’ve said, I don’t wear a ton of makeup because I am a natural beauty (and by “natural beauty” I think we all know I mean “have three aestheticians on speed dial”) but since I’m quite fair and my lips take up a lot of room on my face, I find I really need a little pop of something on them.  However, it can’t be anything too dark unless I’m doing a statement lip, because well…I’ve got a lot of mouth.

Enter the Sally Hansen Lip Inflation Extreme in Sheer Cherry.

Now first, it will not inflate your lips, extremely or otherwise. It might puff up extremely thin lips, or if you’ve got fine lines around your lip line, but I didn’t notice anything but a mild tingle on mine.

It looks very pink in the tube, almost coral, but goes on beautifully sheer and smells faintly like spicy bubble gum.  There’s still good color payoff, but it’s very much a gloss and not a lipstick in gloss form.

Recently I’ve been wearing it plain for day and over L’Oreal’s HiP Color Rich Crayon in either Attentive or Meticulous for evening or dressier occassions:

Okay y’all, these things might be even a better find than the lip color.  Because these crayons? Do Not Budge. I believe they’re technically eyeliners, so caveat emptor and whatnot on using them on your lips. Last night I wore Attentive with the Sheer Cherry and although the gloss was smooched off, the crayon stayed put through some light but fairly dedicated necking.

Again, it goes on fairly sheer, so don’t expect a Goldfinger look.

The only thing I don’t like about these crayons is they don’t blend easily, which I guess is the trade off you make when you get something that doesn’t budge.  When I tried to do a light variation of a shimmering smokey eye, blending Authentic –a sort of sfumato pine green– into Meticulous, it was pretty difficult.

I had decent luck with some aggressive blending using a MAC 217 –which is THE blending brush, none other can compare– but if you’re not a dab hand in the cosmetic arts, I’d stick to these as either all over color or just eyeliner.

That being said, if I had to pack a “face in a bag” for a long weekend somewhere, I could happily make do with Attentive on the eyes and lips, plus Sheer Cherry on the lips and cheeks and look perfectly polished all weekend.

Do you have a Holy Grail beauty product I should know about?

If so, tell me here!

I know what you all are thinking: It’s the beginning of Shoe Month, so obviously Miss Plumcake (who is looking even more radiant –almost luminous– than usual, if you do say so yourself) is going to start us out with a truly fabulous kick.

And that, my gorgeous little howler monkeys, is where you’d be wrong.

Today we’re going to start Shoe Month with THIS (imagine a great unveiling, possibly with doves and smoke):

This, my friends, is some seriously bad shoe.

Let me tell you a little story about when I was but a wee bairn. There were two things I truly loved: milk and pickles.  So one day, with the infinite wisdom of a six year old, I poured the entire jar of pickle brine into a half gallon of milk. For some reason I didn’t try it myself, and when my father poured it on his cereal well…I don’t think I need to finish this story, do I?

The Dolce Vita “Kade” sandal is available at Zappos and is available for purchase (possibly as a trick to play on your enemies) for $127. Pickle juice and milk not included