Comments on: No Fat…Dudes?

By: Barreleh

Barreleh — Tue, 20 Jul 2010 23:45:20 +0000

I’m not attracted to heavy guys generally, but there was one guy at a place I worked about 20 years ago…

Overweight AND bald AND short, but at the same time, one of the hottest hotties I’d ever seen. You could almost see the confidence oozing from his pores.

By: Margie

Margie — Tue, 20 Jul 2010 18:44:11 +0000

I have been attracted to all sorts of guys. My husband currently has a beer belly which makes him look 6 months preggers! But he wasn’t that way when we met. When we met he was 6 foot and maybe 130 lbs. Now he is 6 foot and just over 200 lbs. I do have to say though that when we first met I was not attracted to him at all. We met at church and were good friends. It wasn’t until several months of hanging out and sharing with each other our dreams for the future (marriage, family etc.) that we fell in love. We knew that God guided our paths to cross. And what has kept us strong is our friendship. If we had not been friends first, we would not have ever been married. He wasn’t attracted to me physically nor was I to him. But after time of being friends and really getting to know each other, we fell in love with the person, not the body. I have to admit that I am more attracted to him physically now that he looks “healthy”! (But I think it’s more of the little things though that attract me to him like his voice or mannerisms or smile or humor!) He tells me all the time that he loves my body (I am 5’1″, 230 lbs.) but loves me more. And you know, the reason he gained all his weight was because I was feeding him some good ol’ Mexican cuisine and he was not used to it! Now we are both on a diet trying to eat healthier and be better to our bodies. If we never loose weight we would be fine. We are just tired of being unhealthy. I love my Raymond! But I would not want him skinny again. I like that I can hold on to him and feel his arms around me. I like that he looks healthy and like his wife feeds him good! But then again, in our Hispanic culture, gaining weight after marriage is a good sign of happiness! It means that the husband is home eating dinner that his wife lovingly prepared for him! Well, perhaps this is mostly my own personal take on it! But nonetheless, culture has a lot to do with physical attraction. I am just glad mine is forgiving and understanding and supportive!!!

By: AnthroK8

AnthroK8 — Tue, 20 Jul 2010 17:27:17 +0000

Well, historically I have not dated big men or chubby men. But if Wendell Pierce or John Goodman ever come around looking for a plus-sized-plus-one for the Oscars (or a trip to the grocery store), I’ll be the first in line.

So my two big celebrity crushes are Men of No Mean Size.

Not sure what that says, but it’s interesting.

By: The Accidental Tangoiste

The Accidental Tangoiste — Tue, 20 Jul 2010 04:15:16 +0000

I think I’ve found a better way to put some of what I was thinking earlier: That it’s different to see someone as a whole person and realize “That person is not for me”–that is only honest and fair to both of you–than to see only a part of a person (their weight) and dismiss them out of hand because of it. The latter does not see the other as a person at all.

I suppose that doesn’t really address whether one is not doing the same thing oneself, for one reason or another, but it helps me get at what seems wrong with saying automatically “No fatties.”

Jane H, I can only echo what others have already said so well: Your ex was a despicable ass, but now it’s time to stop giving him power over you. And that may not be easy, but it is worth working at. You are worthy of love, no matter what size dress you wear–but you are the one who needs to believe that. And if this friend of yours is not meeting your romantic needs, it is time to seek other people who might be able to fulfill you in the way that you desire. I kind of think he deserves kudos, at least in so far as he was honest with you about what he wanted from the start. Now it’s up to you what you want to do about it.

Thank you to Plumcake and the fabulous readers who have been brave and compassionate to speak up about this sooner.

Go forth, Jane H, and be your most superfantastic self!

By: Jezebella

Jezebella — Mon, 19 Jul 2010 16:23:26 +0000

Oooh, Jane H., hon, please dump that “nice” guy already! If you want a physical relationship, you DESERVE one.

This very thread is evidence that you don’t have to be a stick insect to be desirable, f*ckable even. I’m sorry your ex said those things. I recommend to all women with abusive men in their lives (or former lives) the book “Why Does He Do That?” by Lundy Bancroft. It lays out the strategy of the emotionally abusive male, and the reasons he says such devastating things to his partner – he told you no one would want you so that you wouldn’t have the self-confidence to leave him, basically. Men like that aim the lowest possible blow and I know it’s hard, but I can tell you that other women (including myself) have gotten past that kind of verbal abuse and kicked those a**holes out of our headspace.

By: Lisa

Lisa — Sun, 18 Jul 2010 21:31:38 +0000

Oh, and @everybody–I’m living proof those skinny boys can’t be broken easily ;-). Insert dirty old broad laughter here.

By: Lisa

Lisa — Sun, 18 Jul 2010 21:29:13 +0000

@Jane H What a horrible thing to say. Things that hurt like that, particularly when they are reinforced by social messages, stick with you. But nobody is entitled to free rent in your head, particularly somebody who treated you that way, and skye is right. Just because somebody limits his/her relationship with you doesn’t mean it’s about you. It can be about their limits right now. Don’t use it as evidence of anything.

I’m a size 30. My husband’s been with me since size 20. I know people have said “he deserves better” and I’m pretty sure he’s said “There isn’t anything better.”

By: boo

boo — Sun, 18 Jul 2010 14:59:47 +0000

“an ex of mine told me that, in high school, all of his buddies were all about Cindy Crawford, she was the hottest thing on wheels, and he wasn’t into her. He figured, at age 14, maybe he was gay? Because he didn’t like what all the other boys liked.”

This totally happened to me too! I thought because the kind of guys other women found sexy did absolutely nothing for me, maybe I was a lesbian, or maybe asexual altogether. Turns out I just had a very strong preference for fat guys and it took me a while to put the pieces together.

By: skye

skye — Sun, 18 Jul 2010 05:43:59 +0000

Jane H:

I know we all want to think that we are so fetching that we can change the minds and boundaries of those we date, but that’s rarely true. The nice guy you are dating was up front about his limits. In this case, it’s *really* not you…it’s him. His boundaries are not a reflection on you, Jane. They are in place because if his own baggage.

Your ex is an a**hat. I’m really sorry he was and is able to hurt you so deeply. It sounds like you need to feel desired by someone you are romantically interested in and that probably means the healthiest thing would be to either start dating someone in addition to your current friend, or reduce the label of your relationship to “friend” and move on completely.

Your comment really touched me. I’m hoping you are able to move on and heal.

skye

By: The Accidental Tangoiste

The Accidental Tangoiste — Sun, 18 Jul 2010 02:32:06 +0000

It has been observed, between my dad’s youngest sister and myself, that it’s awfully funny how my dad (divorced; a big, tall, broad-shouldered guy getting quite heavy over the years) never seems to lack for female company of his own age, while my aunt (an intelligent, confident, screamingly funny woman who is also quite tall and heavy) is finding the dating pool quite dry. (My dad is also intelligent, confident, etc., just so it doesn’t sound as though I’m slighting his virtues.)

It’s awfully hard to look at the two of them and not think that women are indeed held to different standards of what is acceptable, physically, than men. (But what else is new?)

I agree with the people who’ve said that just not being attracted to someone is different than automatically dismissing them as repulsive and worthy of belittlement.

Myself, I tend to like tall, broad-shouldered guys who make me feel a little dainty and feminine–rather than skinny guys that I feel mismatched with and, as Abbenormal has noted, that I’m not secretly afraid I’m going to break. This is as true in my dancing as in my dating. If that comes with a little chub, I find I’m not opposed. ;)

“Of course my immediate and correct response is to tell them precisely where they can put their accusation and how many times to rotate it once it’s in place because my romantic life is between me and my overeager Dominican houseboys.”

Ms. Plumcake, I adore your turn of phrase!