I believe you all know my well-documented position on weakness glands and their unnecessary salty output.
Crying, like drinking, should be done in the privacy of your own home, alone and with the lights out. But for as much as I bluster about leaky people, I’ve gotta be straight with you: most big girls, myself included, have seen some damage in their lives and sometimes it’s hard to rally.
Miss Plumcake is not without a heart, and I’m not just talking about this one I keep in a lovely little box next to my magic mirror.
With that in mind, I offer a new featurette Ask Auntie Plumcake that –depending on its popularity– might someday bloom into a full-fledged weekly –or let’s face it, semi-weekly at best– feature. Think of it as an agony aunt column like Dear Abby but with better hair and lower blood alcohol content (you KNOW Ms VB likes her toddies). Write in with your question and let me know how you want me to address you if you don’t want your real name.
If I think you’d be a good letter for the blog, I’ll ask your permission. If you put it in the comments it’s fair use. Okay? Great!
Last week we had a great discussion on dating big men and I read all your comments with interest. However, one really stuck in my recently-waxed craw.
Internet Friend Jane H. wrote:
I’m still not over my ex-husband telling me I was so fat and repulsive that no one would ever want to touch me again. That was 6 years ago. I am a size 18. I expect I will never be in another relationship because I have that drilled into my head. Isn’t that sad? For the past three years I have been dating a nice (heavy) man who made it clear when we started dating that he was only looking for a friend. I much enjoy his company but feel I am missing out- it’s just an affirmation of my ex-husband’s comments.
Three things here. Four if you count the fact I love the name Jane.
Your ex-husband? I hope he gets a riotous case of the oozing face herp.
Because he’s a jerk and LIED TO YOU.If there is one thing I have learned in my experiences asking for directions at gas stations across this great land is that no one, NO ONE is too ugly to be in a relationship. Have you even SEEN all the uggos in relationships? Where do you think all the ugly babies come from? And as for being repulsive. Repulsive to whom? To a poodlewang like him? Because I gotta tell you sister, If you’re selling something that will keep that sort of fella repulsed, that’s a FEATURE not a bug and I suggest you bottle it and count me in for at least a case and a half.
You are not dating that nice guy.
You are friends. Not friends with benefits. Just friends and I don’t like the cut of his jib. You do not “date” someone for three years when one of them is very clear that there is not and will not be any physical romantic contact. I wish someone had tossed me some tough love back when I was going through the same thing back in my early 20’s. We can spend all day unpacking WHY you’re not dating him and what needs of his he’s meeting at your expense and if that really makes him a nice guy but the gist is this:
Jane, you are lying to yourself, and breaking your own heart in the process.
If he’s not interested in a physical relationship now or ever after THREE YEARS you are just friends and that’s never, ever, ever going to change. That sucks and I’m sorry, but that torch you’re holding has set your arm on fire.
You have needs, and that’s okay.
What’s more, you have wants, and that’s okay too. Pretending you don’t have them or deserve to have them met isn’t going to change that. It’s just going to make you miserable. That’s the thing about needs, you’re stuck with ’em, so you can either deny yourself and NOT get your needs met which will make you miserable OR you can butch it up, Irma Lou, and start making sure mama gets her own. I understand that’s way, way easier to say than do, but there are therapists out there who can help you. You wouldn’t drive your car without maintaining it. You wouldn’t wear a pair of shoes if one of them has a wonky heel. Get yourself maintained, woman!
You are worth saving, Jane. You are worth saving and loving and getting in the odd round of hide the parsnip if you so desire, on your terms. Make it happen.
Gin and Tonics,