Ask Auntie Plumcake

I believe you all know my well-documented position on weakness glands and their unnecessary salty output.

Crying, like drinking, should be done in the privacy of your own home, alone and with the lights out. But for as much as I bluster about leaky people, I’ve gotta be straight with you: most big girls, myself included, have seen some damage in their lives and sometimes it’s hard to rally.

Miss Plumcake is not without a heart, and I’m not just talking about this one I keep in a lovely little box next to my magic mirror.

With that in mind, I offer a new featurette Ask Auntie Plumcake that –depending on its popularity– might someday bloom into a full-fledged weekly –or let’s face it, semi-weekly at best– feature. Think of it as an agony aunt column like Dear Abby but with better hair and lower blood alcohol content (you KNOW Ms VB likes her toddies). Write in with your question and let me know how you want me to address you if you don’t want your real name.

If I think you’d be a good letter for the blog, I’ll ask your permission. If you put it in the comments it’s fair use. Okay? Great!

Last week we had a great discussion on dating big men and I read all your comments with interest. However, one really stuck in my recently-waxed craw.


Internet Friend Jane H. wrote:

I’m still not over my ex-husband telling me I was so fat and repulsive that no one would ever want to touch me again. That was 6 years ago. I am a size 18. I expect I will never be in another relationship because I have that drilled into my head. Isn’t that sad? For the past three years I have been dating a nice (heavy) man who made it clear when we started dating that he was only looking for a friend. I much enjoy his company but feel I am missing out- it’s just an affirmation of my ex-husband’s comments.

Dearest Jane,

Three things here. Four if you count the fact I love the name Jane.

Thing 1:

Your ex-husband? I hope he gets a riotous case of the oozing face herp.

Because he’s a jerk and LIED TO YOU.If there is one thing I have learned in my experiences asking for directions at gas stations across this great land is that no one, NO ONE is too ugly to be in a relationship. Have you even SEEN all the uggos in relationships? Where do you think all the ugly babies come from? And as for being repulsive. Repulsive to whom? To a poodlewang like him? Because I gotta tell you sister, If you’re selling something that will keep that sort of fella repulsed, that’s a FEATURE not a bug and I suggest you bottle it and count me in for at least a case and a half.

Thing 2:

You are not dating that nice guy.

You are friends. Not friends with benefits. Just friends and I don’t like the cut of his jib. You do not “date” someone for three years when one of them is very clear that there is not and will not be any physical romantic contact. I wish someone had tossed me some tough love back when I was going through the same thing back in my early 20′s. We can spend all day unpacking WHY you’re not dating him and what needs of his he’s meeting at your expense and if that really makes him a nice guy but the gist is this:

Jane, you are lying to yourself, and breaking your own heart in the process.

If he’s not interested in a physical relationship now or ever after THREE YEARS you are just friends and that’s never, ever, ever going to change. That sucks and I’m sorry, but that torch you’re holding has set your arm on fire.

Thing 3:

You have needs, and that’s okay.

What’s more, you have wants, and that’s okay too. Pretending you don’t have them or deserve to have them met isn’t going to change that. It’s just going to make you miserable. That’s the thing about needs, you’re stuck with ‘em, so you can either deny yourself and NOT get your needs met which will make you miserable OR you can butch it up, Irma Lou, and start making sure mama gets her own. I understand that’s way, way easier to say than do, but there are therapists out there who can help you. You wouldn’t drive your car without maintaining it. You wouldn’t wear a pair of shoes if one of them has a wonky heel. Get yourself maintained, woman!

You are worth saving, Jane. You are worth saving and loving and getting in the odd round of hide the parsnip if you so desire, on your terms. Make it happen.

Gin and Tonics,

Auntie Plumcake

38 Responses to “Ask Auntie Plumcake”

  1. Figure8onaDate July 19, 2010 at 4:22 pm #

    Sing it Auntie Plumcake! Dating is such a fraught issue for all of us women with bodies that don’t fit the societal norm. I started my blog because I felt like it was something we need to be talking more about. So many of the fat bloggers are married or partnered. I love that you’re single Plumcake and I’m thrilled that you are taking on some of these issues around dating.

    Jane: There are men (and women too if that floats your boat) out there who want to kiss you and caress you and do all kinds of other things with you. Sometimes it seems like they’re hard to find but I promise they’re out there. Your comment asks “Isn’t that sad?” as if it’s a given fact. As if you don’t have the power to change how you’re thinking and what you’re doing in response. My gut says that you need to get away from Mr. Friendly to make a little space for a different kind of relationship in your life. Drill in after that comment from your ex-husband and scrape out the rot that it’s caused. Then fill up the hole left behind with things that make you feel good. You can build your confidence back up and confidence is always sexy. You are worthy of so much more.

  2. moiraeknittoo July 19, 2010 at 5:03 pm #

    Auntie Plumcake is absolutely chock full of fabulous with a side of awesomesauce. May I have a second helping please?

  3. Kate K July 19, 2010 at 5:05 pm #

    Oh Plummie, you are brilliant. I would LOOOOVE a semi-regular Ask Auntie Plumcake feature. I saw Jane’s comment and I was hoping someone would throw some wisdom her way. Jane, we’ve all been there as big gals. Sometimes it’s easier to just cite your body as the reason for your single-ness rather than accept the fact that someone (many many many someones) is going to think you are sexy as all get out, you just need to find them. Because that can be TERRIFYING. If you don’t think you’re worth it or if you believe that asshole thing some dickhead said to you once (and Jane, he was and is a dickhead), it feels absolutely wrong and uncomfortable and horrifying to think that someone could want you and desire you just as you are.

    Beyond that, Jane, sexy curvy-lady-loving-men can’t save us, no matter how many fairy tales we’ve read and kind advice can’t fix everything and there is nothing wrong with seeing someone and talking to someone and getting help. Women so seldom think they deserve to take care of themselves but if we don’t do it, who will?

    One last thing, this is a part of a poem by Charles Bukowski that has been hugely helpful to me.

    nobody can save you but
    yourself
    and you’re worth saving.
    it’s a war not easily won
    but if anything is worth winning then
    this is it.

    think about it.
    think about saving your self.

    Hugs Jane–please take care.

  4. La Petite Acadienne July 19, 2010 at 6:52 pm #

    I love this new feature. Hell, I’d just happily hand my life over to Plumcake and do whatever she tells me to do.

  5. raincoaster July 19, 2010 at 7:57 pm #

    Okay, Plummie, HERE is your millionaire-making blog-to-book deal. This is going to blow the doors off.

  6. Jennifer Up North July 19, 2010 at 8:20 pm #

    I’ve been there Jane. I know how you feel about the ex. I was 220 pounds when we met and 220 pounds 4 years later when he broke up with me…because I was in his words too fat. Hmmm. It took me a while to realize it was his issue and not mine.

    I moved shortly after the break up and found myself in Northern Canada living with the Inuit. God bless the Inuit men…they like, no make that LOVE big women. I was a sex symbol. It took moving up North for me to get my groove back and understand that I was still sexy. It was a state of mind not a dress size. Now at 225 pounds I wear a bikini at the beach and don’t worry about what other people think when they see me. There are enough men out there who like me for me…they are just harder to find…but well worth it.

  7. Jeni July 19, 2010 at 9:13 pm #

    A size 18 is too fat to love huh? Hmmmm, I’m a 26/28 (around 320 I guess) and I currently have 3 men (and a lovely 19 year old boy) jumping through hoops to convince me to date them. Like the wise Plumcake said, no one is too fat/skinny/pretty/ugly/tall/short/etc to love! Your ex is a tool (and not the fun kind either), I hope he gets “the herp” and a major case of pink eye! Oh and I hope he stubs his pinkie toe on every door jam for the next 20 years!!!! (I just did that earlier, hurts like hell)

  8. Debs July 19, 2010 at 9:54 pm #

    Plumcake, I love this feature. Jane, your ex was cruel and emotionally abusive. He has the problem, not you. I am sorry your “friend” makes you feel bad, but his sexuality or asexuality are his issues, not a reflection on you. I agree that maybe you need to hang out with other people so that you do not always appear to have a “date” when you go out.

    You can find a loving partner, as you are, if you want, but I’m also concerned that you don’t think so. Liking yourself and enjoying the activities in your day are so important. I do believe in counseling if you can’t make yourself happier by recognizing your strengths, being friendly (women friends can help), enjoying your body as it is and otherwise doing stuff you like.

  9. The Cake July 19, 2010 at 11:16 pm #

    Am I the only one with a heart of stone? I have no sympathy for these weak women who allow themselves to be treated like soil beneath my fabulous shoes. I am a big girl…. have always been a big girl…..and yes, have had my trying times in the dating world, but I know how I should be treated!! Nastiness will NOT be tolerated. Blame is rampant in the world of the Fat Girl, but often the blame should reside within ourselves for not valuing our own self-worth…..

    On another less controversial side…. Love Ask Auntie Plumcake! Gin and Tonics with extra lime for me please!

  10. Broad July 20, 2010 at 1:00 am #

    @ The Cake: Well, if “blame is rampant in the world of the Fat Girl,” why would you want to pile on some more? Sure, we have a responsibility to value ourselves, but blame’s a little harsh for someone who’s been kicked around enough emotionally.

  11. Lisa July 20, 2010 at 3:23 am #

    I’m thinking that if Jane’s X wasn’t lying, he was at best what I like to call “wrong wrong wrong wrong wrong wrongity wrong wrong.” I, too, love the name Jane, and believe that the young and fabulous Auntie Plumcake’s words of wisdom should be lived by, especially the part about gin and tonics.

  12. phlly July 20, 2010 at 6:54 am #

    Bravo

  13. Carol July 20, 2010 at 7:46 am #

    Jane, dear. There’s a reason he’s your EX and not your NOW. Please listen to Auntie Plumcake and find yourself a good professional listener. I can’t tell you how much of a difference it made in my life when I finally accepted that I am worthy of love and affection and adoration, and it starts with me myself and not some outside source. You deserve everything good – so go out there and get it! And fetch me some fresh ice for my G&T while you’re up, would you?

  14. Orora July 20, 2010 at 8:09 am #

    Jane, I’m going to tell you something that a wise woman in my therapy group once told me when I confessed to believing I was unlovable. She looked me straight in the eye and said, “Well, you’re wrong.” Sometimes we have to start with “So-and-So does not think I’m unlovable, so maybe I’m not” and challenge our assumptions about ourselves. I’m telling you now, and I don’t even know you, that you’re wrong.

    Plummy, you’re right on target as always.

  15. Christine July 20, 2010 at 8:41 am #

    Jane, you are worthy of a good man. Sadly, my husband is not available and his brothers are married, but when we got married I was a size 2 and now I am a 18 and he still finds me sexy and wonderful.

    I find it hard to believe, but men sometimes whistle at me, sincerely. You deserve so much more in your life.

    Best,

    Christine

  16. Jane (but not that Jane) July 20, 2010 at 10:39 am #

    Plummy dearest, I love you dearly and would like to have Thing 1 painted on a billboard and placed in front of my ex-husband’s office. Because he, too, said those things on his way out the door, and MOST of the time I can believe it was about his problems and not mine, but damn that poodlewang, it still hurts.

    Other Jane, listen to Plumcake, she’s got the real goods. Get yourself out there and you may well be surprised how many men will appreciate you and flirt with you and take you out and be pleased to be by your side.

  17. txbunny July 20, 2010 at 12:12 pm #

    Dear Jane,
    Men can say mean, hurtful, awful things as a relationship is ending – it never is about you but about their own frustration at themselves for failing (that whole misplaced anger thing). It is mean, vindictive, and ugly but it is never ever true.

    It seems obvious that your ex was an ass hole so his ugly words have no value. Period.

    My ex hub railed at me the last 2 weeks as he was being kicked to the curb about how fat I was and how nobody would want me (size 16-18). 4 men I had never met before asked me out during my first week of freedom. I believe this happened because I was just so bloody happy to be rid of the ex. It also re-enforced to me that size does not matter.

    You are beautiful and fine just as you are. You just have to believe it and know it to be true. We all deserve to be treated with love, respect, and passion and we each should demand nothing less.

    It seems your friend is not helping you feel good about yourself. He seems to represent settling and that is always a bad place to be. Also there are quite a few bad guys out there in dating land who swoop in on the newly vulnerable. I truly believe before dating again you have to decide what you want, how you want it, and not settle for anything less because your needs are important, precious, and deserve to be met.

    I also believe talking to a trusted person / councilor / therapist could help. I believe that you have to love and care for yourself first before you add the complexity of others in your emotional life.

    Besides live is too short to not strive for what you really deserve. :-)

    PS. Plummy, love the idea and the column.

  18. Col. Mustard July 20, 2010 at 12:13 pm #

    It’s not what others think you are that’s the kicker
    It’s who you know you are that’s the real deal

    Not saying that another P.O.V. isn’t helpful
    f’rinstance the pronouncements
    of our peerless Ms. Plum
    (Ever a lamp t’my feet)

    G.

  19. Margie July 20, 2010 at 3:48 pm #

    Jane, one thing to think about…. how many people do your surround yourself with are a positive light for you? If you don’t have any, seek them. Sometimes we can easily get caught in a slump or a rut or a bout of depression and start to feel that not only does nothing matter (including our happiness) but that we will never have honest-good-for-us-friends. Don’t worry about the romance or physical stuff right now. Just surround yourself with people who are good. People who are positive. People who are genuinely happy. With time, you will find your own happiness and without even knowing, the special guy will come along and be happy too. But take care of yourself right now. You need healing, not a boyfriend. You need good people around you!

    The reason I say that you need healing and not a boyfriend is that I myself spent many years trying to find the perfect guy. It got to the point where I was ready to give up and accept my life as a cloistered nun because that was the last option. It was just at that time that I stopped trying and accepted whatever life was going to pass my way. A guy came into my life and we became best friends. We were not interested in the other romantically at all. But over time our friendship grew into love. We have been married now for over 3 years and we are still the best of friends!

    Good luck Jane and I will add you to my prayers. I pray that God sends you good people to fill your life! And I hope that this blog is a source of comfort for you too :)

    Margie

  20. Melissa July 20, 2010 at 7:08 pm #

    I don’t know Jane. I don’t know the details about anything in Jane’s life but what she said flat out. And yes, it’s sad. Heartbreaking even. And now is the point where Jane gets to remember that she does not believe in lies and liars.

    When people give those very delicate parting shots on the way out the door it’s because they wouldn’t dare do it and stand there and fight. They do it to hurt and wound – and the wound is so much worse because the words simply aren’t true.

    You are missing out, lovely Jane. You let him make a dig at you every time you think he was right. This is why living well really is the very best revenge. Fat, thin, short, tall, whatever – live. Live like no other opinion matters. Because really no other opinion does. Plummy said a few weeks ago, “Other people’s disapproval is the price you pay for living the life you want. And it’s worth every penny.” And she was right. If no one disapproves then you aren’t doing something right.

  21. retna July 20, 2010 at 11:49 pm #

    Look around you Jane, lots of other women and men who are bigger are in great relationships. Love is not about size, it’s about self and selflessness. So forget about what the ex said and move on.

  22. Valentine July 21, 2010 at 12:53 am #

    I got married 41 yrs. ago-size 10. Quit smoking, had kids and went to size 24. Now size 18. Still married, very happily, to a slender athletic guy.. Still get hit on walking down the street occasionally. It is not your size, it was him. Don’t believe him. Sexiness is in your head, not your dress size. Actually, as you get older, women with bigger bodies hold onto more estrogen, so more interest and responsiveness-not bad.

    The “friend” may not really be good for you, if you want more than he can offer. His lack of sexual interest is his problem, not yours. If you are with him, other men will not think you are interested. And, if you are depressed you won’t be sending out signals.
    Find someone to talk to-not your asexual friend-and get moving. Exercise lifts depression and makes you feel better about your self. Not talking diets or weight loss-just moving.
    Good luck and work on it.

  23. Mrsbug July 21, 2010 at 8:59 am #

    Repulsive to whom? To a poodlewang like him? Because I gotta tell you sister, If you’re selling something that will keep that sort of fella repulsed, that’s a FEATURE not a bug and I suggest you bottle it and count me in for at least a case and a half.

    I read this yesterday and it still has me laughing today.

    Buck up, Janey. Remember: people LIE and say mean things when they are hurt, which is what your ex did. Just because someone says it, doesn’t mean it’s the truth.

  24. Edwardina July 21, 2010 at 2:06 pm #

    Miss Plumcake nailed it!

    I’m a size 22, and the last guy to flirt with me was 6’3″, athletic, had shampoo commercial hair, and was 12 years younger than me. I am lucky enough to have good bone structure and as much of an hourglass figure as a figure can be at size 22, but despite that, I believe that he was flirting with me because of how I see myself. The biggest challenge for us as women, I believe, is always quality control. Quality of what and who we allow into our lives and bodies. Raise your standards! There are a lot of fish in the sea, and there is definitely someone, perhaps more than one someone, out there who will feel lucky to spend as much time with us as we will let them.

  25. aren't you glad you're not with him anymore! July 21, 2010 at 2:34 pm #

    Add me to the list of the formerly lighter now heavier wives. I wasn’t skinny when we got married, and I’m a good thirty pounds heavier now. I asked the husband once if he minded, and he told me that he thought maybe I felt sexier when I was thinner, but that it was all a matter of attitude. Lord knows that brought my sass back.

    Fake it until you make it, m’dear. If you’re wearing frumpy clothes? Buy new ones. Ugly shoes? Buy new ones. Bubble baths, baubles, underpinnings. You get my drift. You don’t have to spend a million, but pick one thing that makes the difference. Whatever it takes for you to feel cute. Act sexy until you feel sexy.

    Believe you me, boys appreciate a girl who thinks she’s a prize. If you believed that you weren’t you wouldn’t have made that comment. Deep down inside, you know that you deserve more.

  26. Jezebella July 21, 2010 at 3:19 pm #

    “The Cake,” you must have a heart of stone. What you wrote is unkind, judgmental, and less than helpful. Women, especially fat women, are brutalized day in and day out by our culture. If you are so fortunate as to have retained your self-esteem, then brava, but please don’t crap on women who are not so fortunate, because when you do, it merely seems arrogant, and cruel.

  27. caia July 21, 2010 at 3:50 pm #

    Dear Plumcake,

    I think you may be judging Jane’s relationship with her nice guy too harshly. She may just be kidding herself that they’re even dating… or she may be dating an asexual man. “He was only looking for a friend” may mean just that, or it may be Jane’s way of translating him saying he doesn’t do sex at all. He may be asexual.

    Not all asexual people are aromantic. This man may sincerely love Jane; he may even be in love with her. And since he “made it clear” from the beginning, he may believe their non-sex-having arrangement is mutually agreeable. If she hasn’t opened up to him about feeling completely unattractive, he may not have been able to assure her that it’s not about her weight or appearance, but about his asexuality. They may not have had the chance to negotiate some way to meet her needs and wants while still respecting his. (Asexual people differ in how much sexual activity they’re willing to participate in for the sake of a partner.)

    It may be that Jane and her guy just aren’t compatible, and it’s time for her to leave him to seek out her own needs and wants. She certainly shouldn’t feel guilty for having them. But the situation may be a little more complicated than you gloss it to be.

    caia

  28. kuri July 21, 2010 at 9:40 pm #

    woohoo! This feature is great!

    And I hope Jane starts believing in her self. She deserves so much more!!!

  29. Bronwyn July 21, 2010 at 11:58 pm #

    Jane should get out there and make herself available. Via the internet (carefully) if she’s out of the swim and doesn’t know how to get back in. The “friend” might even realise that she’s more than a friend once he sees she’s dating other people.

    On the other hand, he might have told her “friends only” because he didn’t want to frighten her and thought that’s what she wanted. He might be eating his heart out. Talk to him Jane. Can’t hurt.

  30. Cupcake w sprinkles July 22, 2010 at 1:09 am #

    I know how Jane must feel. I wasn’t always a big girl, it happened later when I had three kids.. I was 115 all my life then was at 205 when I gave birth the first time.. 2 more kids and a few pounds later I was feeling trapped and desperate after my divorce. He never made me feel bad about my size..he just cheated all the time. Since our split I was terrified of dating. I even turned a couple of really nicelooking normal size guys down, cuz I thought if they were attracted to me it made them a freak. Now I am still a size 18/20, cut my hair cute and short.. And I’m having a blast dating some very hot young (and a couple older ones too) men… Yumm. Ingrained confidence is the key Jane… Btw love this column thing;)

  31. Harri P. July 22, 2010 at 9:45 am #

    I think The Cake has a point. Blaming the ex for saying jerky things when they were splitting up is fun, but the real problem here is her own lack of self-worth. I mean, not over something nasty someone said SIX years ago? Forget about men for a while, ditch the relationship with the guy who just wants to be friends, and find a way to boost your self-esteem.

  32. Harri P. July 22, 2010 at 9:50 am #

    All the advice here seems to be “Your ex husband is a jerk! Find a man to be nice to you!” Fine as well as it goes, but she shouldn’t be valuing herself because she can attract a man.

  33. Cambiata July 22, 2010 at 2:28 pm #

    @Harri P: While you are correct in that she should value herself without regards to other people, I believe the reason people are telling her that she can find a man who will value her is that her original query seems to suggest that no man would want her. Which of course is patently untrue.

  34. Risha July 22, 2010 at 8:31 pm #

    I think everyone else has pretty much covered it, but I just want to say that not only am I fat (26/28 for the last several years), but I also have a permanent acne problem and am nowhere close to traditionally pretty. And I’m not exactly a social butterfly. And I have NEVER had a problem attracting men post-high school. I got divorced last year, and I’ve had two men since then make it blatantly clear that they were interested in me for real (not just sex). And one (my then-roommate and close friend) was in his own shy way trying to offer me marriage, babies, and the whole nine yards, despite being 11 years younger.

    With all that said, I haven’t had a lover other then my ex-husband, but that’s because I’m very, very picky, not because I’m not attractive. There are lots and lots of guys out there right now that find you very attractive. Work on believing it yourself, and I think you’ll start seeing the offers that are probably already waiting there for you.

  35. Lampdevil July 23, 2010 at 8:20 am #

    Before I could be happy with another person, I first had to learn to be happy with myself. This isn’t just a matter of thinking I look hot or being the all-singing all-dancing Super Self-Esteem Lady 100% of the time. It was more a case of seeking out non-romantic things that made me happy. I cut all the useless cruddy dudes from my life, then went out and did lots of new things. I took classes, I tried new hobbies, I met new people, I forced myself to try things that I might not have otherwise. Maybe I’d meet guys, maybe I wouldn’t… but I was determined to have a good time and sample all the awesome non-dating things that life had to offer. Several years and several dudes of varying quality later, and I’m living with a very nice boyfriend who loves me just fine in all my poundage and oddness.

    It’s scary, of course. Tossing off the baggage is scary. Dumping the load is scary. Sticking that foot out the door is scary. But the rewards are absolutely worth it. And not even as a lets-meet-guys kind of thing. Even if the dating well is totally dry, is it really a loss if you’ve gone and climbed a mountain/wrote a book/learned a skill/made some friends?

  36. Karen July 23, 2010 at 3:34 pm #

    Jane dear, if he walks like a friend and quacks (or talks) like a friend, he’s just a friend. You deserve someone who will want to get romantical with you as much as you do with him.

    I was once in a relationship with a man who claimed to love me romantically but who got visibly panicked whenever I touched him anywhere but his hand. He couldn’t give me a reason for it, although he insisted that it wasn’t a lack of attractiveness on my part. I never did figure out what his issue was but did eventually, after many tears and much self-loathing, realize that it was HIS issue, not mine.

    I told him I’d be happy to be friends but needed to date others until such time as he was ready to have the kind of relationship I wanted. In the meantime I met and married my husband, who finds my ordinary, bookish, size 22-24 exterior devastatingly gorgeous. We’re in the process of living happily ever after.

    You are beautiful right now, exactly as you are – yes, YOU! Anyone who doesn’t want to be romantical with you is saving you the time and trouble of finding out if you want to be romantical with them. Accept that gift, move on, and save your energies for those worthy of your amorous attentions.

    Deindoctrination Homework: take a lengthy tour of the Museum of Fat Love: http://love.twowholecakes.org/

  37. Alex July 24, 2010 at 9:10 am #

    Where, I ask, beg and plead do these wonderful single men abide? I live in a smallish town in New England and after years of being single have come to the conclusion that it IS me. One way or another I must be doing something to keep the single men away. I just lost my job so it is not a good time to be looking for love with my house in disorder – but not working (although actively looking for a job) gives me a lot of time to think about it! What does a 45 year old have to do to meet a great guy? Where does she find him? Any ideas Plumcake?

  38. Jane H. July 25, 2010 at 2:12 pm #

    Goodness, a few lines written at the end of an exhausting day – what did I start? Frist of all, thank you all who responded with kind words (and the few who weren’t, ouch). It is interesting to me to learn what kind of person I seem to others from those few lines. A few facts – I am a strong 55 year old divorced woman who has a responsible job in the upper Midwest, an active member of my (Episcopal) church, have a group of wonderful female friends who think I am the bee’s knees, a happy life that I love and a multitude of blessings that I are grateful for. Comments and behavior by my ex-husband such as I shared are what caused me to sell my house, quit my wonderful job and move 1500 miles away for my own safety and peace of mind. I KNOW I am not what he said. My point was, those hurtful words can stay with you for a long time even when you know they are not true. I do agree with Alex, where are those wonderful single men? I have tried several on-line dating sites, friends, hobbies, interest groups, church groups, whatever. I have determined time with my friend is better than evenings at home alone (with the cats).

    OK – now back to reading and not posting. Thanks for listening to me and for sharing all of your thoughful comments. I do appreciate your concern and caring.