Comments on: Ask Auntie Plumcake

By: Jane H.

Jane H. — Sun, 25 Jul 2010 18:12:35 +0000

Goodness, a few lines written at the end of an exhausting day – what did I start? Frist of all, thank you all who responded with kind words (and the few who weren’t, ouch). It is interesting to me to learn what kind of person I seem to others from those few lines. A few facts – I am a strong 55 year old divorced woman who has a responsible job in the upper Midwest, an active member of my (Episcopal) church, have a group of wonderful female friends who think I am the bee’s knees, a happy life that I love and a multitude of blessings that I are grateful for. Comments and behavior by my ex-husband such as I shared are what caused me to sell my house, quit my wonderful job and move 1500 miles away for my own safety and peace of mind. I KNOW I am not what he said. My point was, those hurtful words can stay with you for a long time even when you know they are not true. I do agree with Alex, where are those wonderful single men? I have tried several on-line dating sites, friends, hobbies, interest groups, church groups, whatever. I have determined time with my friend is better than evenings at home alone (with the cats).

OK – now back to reading and not posting. Thanks for listening to me and for sharing all of your thoughful comments. I do appreciate your concern and caring.

By: Alex

Alex — Sat, 24 Jul 2010 13:10:07 +0000

Where, I ask, beg and plead do these wonderful single men abide? I live in a smallish town in New England and after years of being single have come to the conclusion that it IS me. One way or another I must be doing something to keep the single men away. I just lost my job so it is not a good time to be looking for love with my house in disorder – but not working (although actively looking for a job) gives me a lot of time to think about it! What does a 45 year old have to do to meet a great guy? Where does she find him? Any ideas Plumcake?

By: Karen

Karen — Fri, 23 Jul 2010 19:34:49 +0000

Jane dear, if he walks like a friend and quacks (or talks) like a friend, he’s just a friend. You deserve someone who will want to get romantical with you as much as you do with him.

I was once in a relationship with a man who claimed to love me romantically but who got visibly panicked whenever I touched him anywhere but his hand. He couldn’t give me a reason for it, although he insisted that it wasn’t a lack of attractiveness on my part. I never did figure out what his issue was but did eventually, after many tears and much self-loathing, realize that it was HIS issue, not mine.

I told him I’d be happy to be friends but needed to date others until such time as he was ready to have the kind of relationship I wanted. In the meantime I met and married my husband, who finds my ordinary, bookish, size 22-24 exterior devastatingly gorgeous. We’re in the process of living happily ever after.

You are beautiful right now, exactly as you are – yes, YOU! Anyone who doesn’t want to be romantical with you is saving you the time and trouble of finding out if you want to be romantical with them. Accept that gift, move on, and save your energies for those worthy of your amorous attentions.

Deindoctrination Homework: take a lengthy tour of the Museum of Fat Love: http://love.twowholecakes.org/

By: Lampdevil

Lampdevil — Fri, 23 Jul 2010 12:20:36 +0000

Before I could be happy with another person, I first had to learn to be happy with myself. This isn’t just a matter of thinking I look hot or being the all-singing all-dancing Super Self-Esteem Lady 100% of the time. It was more a case of seeking out non-romantic things that made me happy. I cut all the useless cruddy dudes from my life, then went out and did lots of new things. I took classes, I tried new hobbies, I met new people, I forced myself to try things that I might not have otherwise. Maybe I’d meet guys, maybe I wouldn’t… but I was determined to have a good time and sample all the awesome non-dating things that life had to offer. Several years and several dudes of varying quality later, and I’m living with a very nice boyfriend who loves me just fine in all my poundage and oddness.

It’s scary, of course. Tossing off the baggage is scary. Dumping the load is scary. Sticking that foot out the door is scary. But the rewards are absolutely worth it. And not even as a lets-meet-guys kind of thing. Even if the dating well is totally dry, is it really a loss if you’ve gone and climbed a mountain/wrote a book/learned a skill/made some friends?

By: Risha

Risha — Fri, 23 Jul 2010 00:31:44 +0000

I think everyone else has pretty much covered it, but I just want to say that not only am I fat (26/28 for the last several years), but I also have a permanent acne problem and am nowhere close to traditionally pretty. And I’m not exactly a social butterfly. And I have NEVER had a problem attracting men post-high school. I got divorced last year, and I’ve had two men since then make it blatantly clear that they were interested in me for real (not just sex). And one (my then-roommate and close friend) was in his own shy way trying to offer me marriage, babies, and the whole nine yards, despite being 11 years younger.

With all that said, I haven’t had a lover other then my ex-husband, but that’s because I’m very, very picky, not because I’m not attractive. There are lots and lots of guys out there right now that find you very attractive. Work on believing it yourself, and I think you’ll start seeing the offers that are probably already waiting there for you.

By: Cambiata

Cambiata — Thu, 22 Jul 2010 18:28:02 +0000

@Harri P: While you are correct in that she should value herself without regards to other people, I believe the reason people are telling her that she can find a man who will value her is that her original query seems to suggest that no man would want her. Which of course is patently untrue.

By: Harri P.

Harri P. — Thu, 22 Jul 2010 13:50:39 +0000

All the advice here seems to be “Your ex husband is a jerk! Find a man to be nice to you!” Fine as well as it goes, but she shouldn’t be valuing herself because she can attract a man.

By: Harri P.

Harri P. — Thu, 22 Jul 2010 13:45:35 +0000

I think The Cake has a point. Blaming the ex for saying jerky things when they were splitting up is fun, but the real problem here is her own lack of self-worth. I mean, not over something nasty someone said SIX years ago? Forget about men for a while, ditch the relationship with the guy who just wants to be friends, and find a way to boost your self-esteem.

By: Cupcake w sprinkles

Cupcake w sprinkles — Thu, 22 Jul 2010 05:09:42 +0000

I know how Jane must feel. I wasn’t always a big girl, it happened later when I had three kids.. I was 115 all my life then was at 205 when I gave birth the first time.. 2 more kids and a few pounds later I was feeling trapped and desperate after my divorce. He never made me feel bad about my size..he just cheated all the time. Since our split I was terrified of dating. I even turned a couple of really nicelooking normal size guys down, cuz I thought if they were attracted to me it made them a freak. Now I am still a size 18/20, cut my hair cute and short.. And I’m having a blast dating some very hot young (and a couple older ones too) men… Yumm. Ingrained confidence is the key Jane… Btw love this column thing;)

By: Bronwyn

Bronwyn — Thu, 22 Jul 2010 03:58:34 +0000

Jane should get out there and make herself available. Via the internet (carefully) if she’s out of the swim and doesn’t know how to get back in. The “friend” might even realise that she’s more than a friend once he sees she’s dating other people.

On the other hand, he might have told her “friends only” because he didn’t want to frighten her and thought that’s what she wanted. He might be eating his heart out. Talk to him Jane. Can’t hurt.