Okay y’all, we need to sit down and take it to the reals.
It’s tough out there, gang. There is bad taste EVERYWHERE. People are still getting pink and white square tips and wearing oversize sunglasses, I STILL am the only person at my local grocery store who can be reliably be counted on to wear a proper-fitting boulder holder and people buy and apparently consume something called Arbor Mist, which makes my soul hurt.
But all is not lost.
For every no there is a yes, for every low there is a high, and for every Woman Too Damn Old For A Vera Bradley Wristlet And Really Should Know Better Anyway is a teenage daughter who won’t let her buy one.
Ladies and gentlemen who act like ladies, let us doff our collective chapeaux to Clare M.
Clare M is one of our younger readers and at a fresh-faced sixteen years old, stopped her otherwise entertaining and right-thinking mother Julia (who shared the story with me yesterday) from purchasing a Vera Bradley wristlet.
WARNING: Our more delicate readers might want to avert their eyes.
Friends. I am a writer, a Southerner AND an Episcopalian so believe me when I say have seen many MANY pink elephants in my time, but I’ve never, ever (perhaps because I’ve never been forced to drink hairspray) seen pink elephants like THAT.
Now to be fair, this might not be THE wristlet Julia wanted, but it cannot possibly be far off. Now, we will ignore for the time being that a Grown Woman wants a wristlet –which I think of as strictly the domain of the Miley crowd– and let’s focus on the low-rent-Lilly Pulitizer tragiculousness of Vera Bradley on someone who remembers what MTV was like when there was music on it.
Our heroine Clare, spying her mother cruising the internet for Questionable Trade (and in this instance I mean a VB wristlet) throws herself into the line of fire like:
“Mommy, no. No Vera Bradley.”
Julia protests. She asks “Who will even know?!”
And Clare, bringing a tear to my eye and making me love her as if she were my own child (by which I mean my own Birkin) responds:
“God will know.”
I salute you Clare. Well-played. Well-played indeed.