Don’t Sleep Around.
Okay, I know human sexuality stuff is fraught with peril and honestly I’m just some gal on the internet so you probably shouldn’t let me dictate your intimate interactions BUT I will say this:
Being the fat slut has been done and from what I understand it is really, really hard to rally from that.
At this point you’d probably expect some story ripped from the headlines of my own youth, but actually out of all the many, many questionable choices I made when I was too young to vote, none of them were sexually transmitted. I had a fantastic boyfriend who was my first proper kiss, we dated all through high school and although there was some hanky panky, we abstained.
And you know, I’m glad I did. I’m not saying you should –although you might give it some thought– but I avoided a pitfall a lot of girls, especially big girls, fall into: being easy.
It’s tough being a over-developed and precocious teenager. I looked 20 when I was 13. So do many of you. I had a big sexual appetite, and more importantly I loved the power having sex appeal gave me. And let’s make no mistake: Sex appeal IS power. So yes, Virginia, there IS a Santa Claus and if you let him look down your top he’ll probably give you what you want.
In the short term.
In the long term it’s like drinking sea water when you’re shipwrecked: an incredibly tempting and almost certainly fatal bad idea.
I know it’s nice to be wanted.
I know how great that power feels.
I know what a damn pleasant change it is to be accepted, even temporarily, by the type of guy who makes your life miserable when the sun is up and how tempting it is to say yes, especially because part of you wants to do it too.
Here’s something else I know: I know that girls who learn that sex is the only thing they have to offer a man don’t often end up in the sort of relationships they really want, and why would you do anything that would prevent you from getting what you want?
So be thoughtful about your sexual activity. Not just about safer sex (although ALWAYS practice safer sex) but about what YOU want. What it means now, what it might mean in the future and whether it’s really, truly reflects who you want to be as a person.
Gin and Tonics,
Auntie Plumcake
Plummy,
This post meant SO SO much to me. I am 34, older and wiser now, but when I was younger (thank GOD not high school and college younger, but just out of college younger, as I was getting bigger and bigger) I was that girl. The fat slut. And I did it for all of the stereotypical reasons…to have someone make me feel pretty, even if only for a short time, to feel wanted, to feel powerful, to not feel fat. But you know what? Afterwards I would always feel hollow, more depressed, and certainly not less fat. It took me maybe until the past couple of years or so to realize that I needed to be happy with myself before anyone else was happy with me (I know, total cliche, but SO true) and I’m finally getting to that place. And I know that I don’t need to screw some guy to feel validated and beautiful — I have amazing friends for that. So, anyway, thanks for the awesome post. As always, you are the sun and the moon, the stars and…well, you know :)
Comment by Rebecca — October 13, 2010 @ 10:20 am
I’m gonna go ahead and voice my disagree. I was modest about my sexuality until my mid-twenties. Since then, I haven’t been; I don’t regret it in the least. It may not be the case for m(any) other big women, but for me it has been the right decision. It’s helped me discover the power in my sexuality and it has been a boost of confidence. I’ve never experienced any negative reaction to my bedroom activities, and I am very happy with where my sexuality has brought me in my life. Again, maybe not the right decision for everyone, but it has been the right decision for me.
Comment by Melissa — October 13, 2010 @ 10:27 am
Sage advice, and applicable to all pre-sexual girls, really. Absolutely resonated with me as a formerly young fat girl, though.
Comment by Wendy — October 13, 2010 @ 10:42 am
@Melissa – there’s a world of difference between embracing your sexual power in your 20’s and being the school bike in your teens.
Comment by Wendy — October 13, 2010 @ 10:43 am
Standing O.
Comment by Anna — October 13, 2010 @ 12:21 pm
While I agree that sex is unlikely to improve your self-esteem, in my experience being a sexually open and adventurous person does not condemn you to a life of loneliness, embarrassment and regret. While I have been in a monogamous relationship for the past seven years, prior to that I had many more partners than Plummy would likely think prudent. But it was fun, didn’t hurt me in the least, and helped me know what I was looking for when I met my husband at age 25. And yes, I slept with him on the first date.
Now, if you don’t want to engage in that sort of behavior, by all means abstain! Anyone who would pressure you into having sex is clearly vile and should be avoided at all costs, and I think the societal pressure to be overtly sexy all the time is harmful to young women. But, I would argue, the pressure to be virginal and pure is pretty damaging too. My advice is to have sex when you want to, but don’t look to sexual relationships to validate your worth.
Comment by Chiken — October 13, 2010 @ 12:32 pm
I think Plummy’s point was that you need to think about the reasons you want to be sexually active. If it’s because you want someone to like you and make you feel pretty, maybe you’re better off holding off for awhile until you can find value in yourself and not need so much validation from others. If it’s because you think you’re a red hot sexy mama and you want to share that with the world, well, have at it. Just be thoughtful about what you really want from sex.
And truthfully, that’s a very hard thing for a teenager to do. How many teens are that self-aware?
Comment by Orora — October 13, 2010 @ 3:03 pm
I’m with Wendy – the advise here was clearly for young girls , not college age and above.
Plumcake isn’t preaching chastity belts – but in the real world (not what should or shouldn’t be) it’s hell for young girls who get hit with the slut card. In the past few weeks, there have been a number of highly publicized suicides by teenage girls who were being bullied for their perceived (rightly or wrongly) sexual behavior. And we can self-righteously wail about how it shouldn’t be that way – but in may places, it is that way
When you are a 36C in 6th grade, you have a loaded gun and a lot of guys who do NOT have your best interest at heart are ready to take advantage of you. And girls at 12 and 14 are NOT ready for the consequences of being used.
Standing O Plummy – you are on fire with good advise this week
Comment by Thea — October 13, 2010 @ 4:29 pm
All I want to say is….Where was this when I was in my teens and early 20’s?! Now in my 30’s…I’m not the town bike, now, but oh how I wish I had someone to give me this gem of knowledge at 15, 16, etc…I’m sure somewhere…someone is reading this and it just changed their life! Standing O and more Gin & Tonics for you!
Comment by TammyD — October 13, 2010 @ 6:10 pm
Am I the only one seeing more than one interpretation for “standing O”? Just sayin’, given the topic….
Comment by g-dog — October 14, 2010 @ 12:34 am
I agree with Plumcake. Especially about the part “looking 20 at 13”. The hardest part of this for me is the interpretation “physically mature = emotionally mature” in opposite sex interactions and there is an underlying assumption (expectation?) that because one looks old, one ought to behave older.
I totally agree with Plumcake’s advice because, I understood the difference between being 14 and 20 only after moving about 10 years from that age. So, dear young girls, hold off on behaving as someone in 20s until you are in 20s, not because you physically developed early.
Comment by Violet in Twilight — October 14, 2010 @ 10:52 am
Sigh…where were you when I was in my teens and even in my twenties. So often, I thought that if I could draw a guy in sexually, he’d stick around long enough to know me and would realize what a great person I was and would fall in love. All of this, because I didn’t think that a guy would ever approach me otherwise.
It took way too many broken hearts and walks of shame, combined with the perspective that comes from FINALLY meeting a good one, to realize that those guys probably didn’t even remember my name the next morning.
It’s a lesson I will do my best to drill into my daughter, be she fat or slim
Comment by La Petite Acadienne — October 14, 2010 @ 6:12 pm
Now, who can convince my roommate of this? (A: Only herself. Much as I wish otherwise. Sigh. ) She’s not a Young Fat Girl, being about to graduate college, and very thin and traditionally pretty. But much as la Petite Acadienne said, she feels that her sex appeal is the only thing she can use to get a boy to come ’round.
My point being: This is not a fat girl only trend, even as I acknowledge that young fat girls face the threat of being physically mature sooner then other girls might.
Comment by Ananas — October 16, 2010 @ 7:27 pm
I think this sex dialogue needs to begin and keep going for years. I don’t judge the choices of people who know the risks and take them solely because they do it out of genuine enjoyment. But for those who do it as some panacea for self-esteem, it really does make the problems that prompted the behavior much worse. You can’t have sex to feel better about yourself. If you feel bad before you do, you’ll feel worse when you finish – and only sometimes will you escape that feeling during the act itself. Sex is so linked to body image, and good sex comes from good inner feeling alone, regardless of appearance.
Comment by Diana — October 20, 2010 @ 2:16 pm