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Letters from Miss Plumcake: I am not your funny fat friend | Manolo for the Big Girl

Letters from Miss Plumcake: I am not your funny fat friend

Listen up kiddios because Miss Plumcake is gonna lay down a little church on behalf of her many big sisters.

Skinny Girls:

I am not your funny fat friend.

I am not your wingman, I am not your ride to the club and I am not the girl you stand next to when you want to look thin. I am the queen of this rodeo and in fact, every rodeo where I deign to appear, so while I appreciate that popular culture and hour after hour of sitcoms, romcoms and whatever other sort of com you want to watch tells you otherwise: I am not the Skipper doll of your Malibu Dream Life. And P.S., Ken? Isn’t holding out because “he respects you.”

And I’m speaking on behalf of your One Black Friend, your Sassy Best Gay, and any other friend who conveniently fills a space on your United Colors of Benetton Bingo Card. Yes, I’m fat and I’m funny and you don’t have to ignore that, but for the love of Susan Hayward, that’s not my JOB (okay well it is MY job) I got other stuff goin’ on.

I am not Robin to your Batman, but if you’re lucky I might let you be the Thelma to my Louise.

Straight Boys:

You don’t get to string me along into some sort of screwed-up friends with benefits situation where I have to sleep with you AND listen to you complain about your mother.

You get one or the other, bucko. If you want both you need to put a ring on it, and since no good ever comes from talking to the people you want to see naked, that had better be a pretty damn big ring.  I want terrified sailors to warn their captains to change course when they see me coming, and not just because of those slightly blurry weekends I spent in Annapolis.

Also, when you tell me I’m hot, don’t say it’s because you find beauty on the inside. Why do you do that? Is it because you think it makes you sound evolved? You don’t. My insides are filled with eels and you know it. My legs however, are worshiped as deities in several small Pacific island nations (or at least will be as soon as I cash in my frequent flier miles and blow this popsicle stand). Tighten up.

Big Girls:

Value your own stock.

You’ll note I said I’m writing this on your behalf. That’s because I don’t have anyone in my life who treats me like that.  Why? Because I don’t let them. I know it’s easier said than done, and it’s a process, but if you see yourself in any of those situations, you’ve either got to cut these yahoos loose or gently –but clearly– correct them, which will save you the trouble of murdering them later (and honestly, how many of us can carry off prisonrape orange?)

The world will not end if you walk away. In fact, knowing you’re capable of walking away can actually help you be more tolerant because you’re making a choice, not hanging on out of desperation.

Your real friends will deal and be better people for it. The folks who freak out? Show them your bye-bye wave.

Gin and Tonics,

Miss Plumcake

22 Responses to “Letters from Miss Plumcake: I am not your funny fat friend”

  1. Margaret February 16, 2011 at 3:37 pm #

    Miss Plumcake, thank you. You are wise.

  2. Ali February 16, 2011 at 3:46 pm #

    At my bachelorette party my friends took me to a club. One of my friends was wearing a super tight, super low-cut, extremely short dress, that she kept on waving up, exposing her thong to the crowd which attracted a really creepy guy who kept on trying to touch her, which made her feel uncomfortable.

    I had a great night though, my other friends and I were dancing, talking, flirting, having fun.

    Then my short-dressed friend sat down next to me on the sofa and said “Ali, you know, I love you so much, I don’t want you to think I am upstaging you, dancing on the table and all of that.”
    I just looked at her, creepy guy next to her, trying to cop a feel and said “Don’t worry. You really are not.” And I really meant it.

  3. CP February 16, 2011 at 3:53 pm #

    I love you!

  4. Madame Suggia February 16, 2011 at 4:01 pm #

    @ Plumcake

    “My legs however, are worshiped as deities in several small Pacific island nations”

    It must be said that your writings are already viewed as pretty much Holy Writ here at Casa Suggia; surely worldwide deification cannot be far away?

    @ Ali

    “Then my short-dressed friend sat down next to me on the sofa and said “Ali, you know, I love you so much, I don’t want you to think I am upstaging you, dancing on the table and all of that.””

    Oh no she did NOT. Sad self-deluded minx.

    I have a sneaking suspicion it would take a little more class & style to upstage your good self.

  5. Gail Lewis February 16, 2011 at 4:14 pm #

    FER FREAKIN REALS!

    -G

  6. Thea February 16, 2011 at 5:01 pm #

    standing ovation

    My life and my love life become SO much more fun when I stopped being the fat pleaser girl and turned into “Can you believe what that bitch just said and by the way is she seeing anyone and does she like butterfly orchids or would she prefer roses?”

  7. Nana February 16, 2011 at 5:38 pm #

    Preach On Miss Plumcake. This will most definitely be shared.

  8. Miss Plumcake February 16, 2011 at 5:55 pm #

    @Ali: Blessherheart. I’ve had friends like that from time to time and it’s just embarrassing more than anything. Strangely enough, it reminds me of Paul Mooney’s bit about Cleopatra from his Know Your History (starts at 1:55).

    @CP: Right back at you!

    @Madame Suggia: Gosh! I’m not sure I want to be responsible for any holy writ, but I could think of worse places to start than Casa Suggia. It reminds me a conversation I had with a current gentleman proto-caller. He was trying to explain how his view of beauty is different than most people’s. And I’m all like “yeah, uh huh, I’ve known you for a week, you barely speak English and you look at me like I’m the last pork chop of the apocalypse. I’m going to have to go ahead and say my ‘inner beauty’ has less to do with your affection than the fact that I could wrap my legs around you like an anaconda and still have inseam to spare.”

    It sounded better in Spanish.

  9. notblueatall February 16, 2011 at 6:51 pm #

    Awesome! Thank you for this. More gals need to read and adhere!

  10. dcsurfergirl February 16, 2011 at 8:51 pm #

    You rock!

    This post should also include chicks that consider you a prop n their Sex and the City fantasy life. As soon as something goes wrong, they disappear.

    This should also be a wake-up call to the women that always need your shoulder/money/whatever, advise you never to get married but then vanish when you need any amount of help.

    My legs may not be deities in any island nations but two other parts of me just might be…

  11. Klee February 16, 2011 at 10:08 pm #

    Bucko!

  12. DH February 16, 2011 at 10:36 pm #

    *falls to knees* My love! We must get married, hither-forth!

  13. Alysha February 17, 2011 at 10:27 am #

    Thank You! For it all…

  14. Amna February 17, 2011 at 12:24 pm #

    Amean

  15. FattyBoobaLatty February 17, 2011 at 1:50 pm #

    Good times, absolute good times!

  16. Constance February 17, 2011 at 3:11 pm #

    Oh, where were you when I was a sweet young thing and needed to hear those words? (Well, you hadn’t been born yet, I’m sure.) I LOVE THIS POST. I wish I could buy airtime and make it into a PSA.

  17. SarahDances February 17, 2011 at 4:10 pm #

    So true, but really, this is so applicable for everyone. I’m a skinny girl, but can I tell you how many years I let it be okay for everyone to characterize me as the “dumb blonde” friend? It wasn’t until I got out of high school and away from them that I realized I was smarter than that, and deserved better than friends who felt the need to put me down.

    Everyone undervalues themselves from time to time. This is a good reminder to not let anyone put you into any of the nice, neat little boxes we so love to draw.

  18. CharlotteJ February 17, 2011 at 8:57 pm #

    I LOVE your site. I especially love this post. I am often the “funny fat friend” and I am sick of it. Men do want to sleep with me, want me to take care of them, but not show me off to their friends. What is up with that?

  19. Kate K February 18, 2011 at 12:43 am #

    Plumcake, I was nodding my head like a bobblehead at your first few paragraphs and then the big girl part absolutely knocked me on my ass, in a fantastic way. It all had to be said and we all need to be reminded of it.

    Also, to my skinny friends, just because I am big does not mean that I only date big men. I date them all–especially skinny guys, who seem to just LOOOOVE me.

  20. mel February 19, 2011 at 11:34 pm #

    Word.

  21. jNo February 21, 2011 at 12:19 am #

    love it. can def relate, ‘specially right now to the “The world will not end if you walk away”. preach on, preach on. i’m in the front row of your church, wearing my Sunday Best (church hat n all), noddin my head in your general direction singin Amen, Amen…

  22. kat February 23, 2011 at 9:11 pm #

    Miss Plumcake you are one of my role models! I wish every little girl could grow up to be as fierce and as strong as you are. I aspire to be like you, and though it has taken me a long time to realize that I AM hot, and not just the smart, plain girl that the hot girls let hang around, I still am not the fierce creature that I want to be.

    Preach and spread the good word.