I observed the first Friday of Lent in the traditional way of my people: by double-fisting gin and tonics at the gay bar with a precious 21 year-old Australian bar back and talking about rugby. The Aussie bemoaned –or I think he bemoaned, at this point he was pouring me free shots of something blue and wearing my sunglasses so my memory gets a bit foggy– that at 6’2″ he was still too short for his position.
That got me thinking about soccer and the phrase great soccer cliche “good touch for a big man” used to describe a tall guy who has surprising dexterity and agility, features usually found in much more compact players.
We’ll have a feature in the upcoming weeks about the travel-sized hotties, but today please help me salute some of the Big Men of soccer who can feel free to demonstrate their Good Touch (by which I mean Bad Touch) any old time they please.
Joe Hart – 6’3″
I am so conflicted about Joe Hart.
On one hand, he’s done a great job for me this season as keeper on my fantasy team (and if any of you make fun of Plumcake United I will BAN YOU FOR LIFE. we are in a building year okay?!) On the other hand he plays for Manchester City, which is my least favorite team EVER because they are EVIL and lest we forget that beast Nigel De Jong’s kung-fu kick to the heart during the World Cup Final of my sweet, sweet Xabi Alonso. And yet on the third hand:
Should your workplace allow it, you may wish to click here for what can only be described as Joe Hart dancing (?) in a pair of white shorts so snug that even Labyrinth-era David Bowie might have asked “Do you have something in a relaxed-fit?”
Andy Carroll – 6’3″
When Andy Carroll, Newcastle’s golazo-scoring problem child, left my beloved Magpies for Liverpool last month to the tune of £35 million, thus making him the highest-paid English footballer ever, my reaction was much like Hitler’s.
I only hope he will now be able to afford all the cream rinse, leave-in conditioner and sparkly Claire’s headbands his traitorous little heart can desire.
Pepe Reina – 6’2″
It’s Rhetorical Question Time! Who doesn’t love a footballer who, upon winning the World Cup for Spain, drunk dials his mom from the plane?
(SO much more deliciousness after the jump. Seriously. You want to see this.)
Was this really just an excuse to post a luscious seaside twofer with teammate David Villa? More importantly, does the hip-dip/moistened white trunks combo on pocket-sized Villa make up for the stupidest soul patch in the history of time?
Kaká – 6’1″
Well it finally happened.
Having exhausted the available dating population of the entire continent of Europe, about six weeks ago I became involved with a man from Latin America, who has enthusiastically confirmed what I have suspected for many a year:
While the rest of we mere mortals are designed using a basic bones/muscles/joints format these fellas, bless their hearts, are designed on what I can only describe as some sort of “Pornographic Ferret” model. I’m not entirely sure they even HAVE bones.
For proof (at least the sort of proof that will not require me to snatch you bald) I give you the pneumatic ball skills of Brazilian bonbon Kaká. And also this:
First of all, you’re welcome.
Secondly, I know none of you care, but Kaká but is one wearing jeans (he has a contract with Armani so I suspect he’s contractually obliged not to appear in his skivvies for anyone but them.) Third, you’re welcome AGAIN. Fourth, poor Landycakes. At least he didn’t have to stand next to England striker
Carlton Cole 6′ 31/2“