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The Monday Hotness: Eire-candy | Manolo for the Big Girl

The Monday Hotness: Eire-candy

Yeah I’m not proud of that headline either, but you knew I couldn’t write headlines when you married me so we can all just muddle through until Manolo or the Good Lord provides me with a copy editor because I’ve never written a decent headline in my life and I’m certainly not going to start now.

So I’ve been in Ireland and I’m not gonna lie: Ireland is simply FILLED with irresponsibly good-looking men and shockingly plain women.*

Dublin in particular, which I didn’t even like all that much, has within its blessed borders the finest collection of male backsides I have ever had the honor of callously objectifying from the back row of a bright green open-top double-decker bus.

I’m not even sure I’m still on speaking terms with my friend in Dublin who, despite living there for YEARS, failed to tell me there is an entire island full of men glorious behinds almost all of whom love either soccer OR rugby or –be still my heart– both. Plus they have freckles.

Why would you do that to me Krista? Why?

Oh the freckles.

My fondness for freckles goes back to the very first boy I ever had a crush on. Years later. the Australian rugby player who gave me my first kiss had them too. The One Who Keeps Getting Away has a dusting across his nose and even my current gentlemen caller, who uh, hasn’t really gotten the rundown of my trip yet (oh man, can’t imagine that ending well) is built on the Xabi Alonso/Fernando Torres (trust me kids, you want to click that Torres link) model as one of the most delectable of all creatures: the Hot Latin Boy With Freckles.

Well you can’t say I don’t have a type.

Quick sidebar re: types. So we all know how your pal Plummy has the slightest tendency to date athletes, particularly soccer players, right? I was chatting with my friend Glasgow Drew (Glasgow Drew and I dated, but then he thought I was dude. Then when he realized I wasn’t a dude he proposed. Then he thought I was a dude again. Then he proposed again. He kind of goes back and forth. Did I mention he got hit in the head a lot during his rugby career? He got hit a lot in the head during his rugby career.) and asking him if he thought my current gentleman friend –who is an artist and only ever played very minor club soccer– looked like Xabi Alonso. Well, he went on a tear about how sickening it was that I called footballers artists and blah blah y blah and it took me a good 45 minutes to explain to him that he was, in fact, an actual artist and not a soccer player at all. See? Head injuries. Bless his heart.

Anyhoodle the point is, Irish men are FINE and frankly I think we’re all surprised I didn’t come back pregnant (thanks Megh! It takes a village!) And why?

Because of this:

Seriously, they’re all like this. Not EXACTLY like this, but not far off. And did I mention the pouting and the blue eyes?

It’d ridiculous. Now, you’d think since both my pout and my blue eyes have been getting me both into and out of trouble since I was old enough to well, pretty much breathe, I’d have developed some sort of immunity. FALSE. It is by the grace of God that I didn’t actually walk into any walls (I did fall into a dry cree kbed my first night in town, but I was completely sober and not alone so I don’t think that counts.)

By the way, that is Cillian Murphy. I’m pretty sure I’ve seen exactly one movie he’s in –the hugely watchable Breakfast on Pluto, also featuring Liam Neeson in clericals…rrrowr– and I don’t usually go for pretty but when pretty is done this well? A girl’s gotta give it up.

Twice.

I’ve loved Jonathan Rhys Meyers since 1998’s Velvet Goldmine. Apparently he’s Henry VIII in HBO’s The Tudors too.

I’d never seen The Tudors until I went to Dublin and let me tell you, I don’t care how good it is, I saw twenty seconds of it when they were filming in the chapter house of Canterbury Cathedral and I was filled with NOT AT ALL IRRATIONAL RAGE because THEY were in MY chapter house of MY cathedral and I pretty much spewed obscenities at the screen until Kirk changed it (see also: why I can’t watch Viking invasion programs because I get really violently angry when the pretend Vikings invade MY island of Lindisfarne.)

Speaking of giving it up:

I know, I know Colin Farrell is all syphhy and needs to be bathed in turpentine, but come on, you KNOW he’d be a laugh and you would never EVER have to have one of those awful Where Is This All Going conversations and that is worth its weight in penicillin (except not, because I’m allergic.)

Even as they age, they get all craggy and alluringly dissipated, and you know, there’s something to be said for craggy and alluringly dissipated. Rowr.

*This is most likely because all the pretty girls are home with even hotter men, but I am blissfully ignoring that prospect, lest my life lose all meaning until I return to the land of Yeats and Joyce.

31 Responses to “The Monday Hotness: Eire-candy”

  1. klee April 4, 2011 at 3:12 pm #

    My summer vacation plans are now decided.

  2. Ravna April 4, 2011 at 3:13 pm #

    Oh dear Plumcake.
    Cillian Murphy is too much of a pretty boy for my tastes but even I can objectively say he’s a total dish!
    If you have only seen one movie you have missed out. He’s very talented, from wicked and oh so delicious psychologist wielding hallucinogens like there is no tomorrow in Batman Begins and The Dark Knight. And you MUST see The wind that shakes the barley. You MUST. It is best viewed with sherbet or icecream and lots of tissues. So sad.

  3. Violet April 4, 2011 at 3:23 pm #

    OMFG, you can keep all of the footballers (as much as I admire them from a distance) whilst I sneak out the back with Gabriel Byrne. Whom I once saw eating a few tables away at a small neighborhood restaurant five minutes’ walk from my apartment. ALONE. Which I for my part was not, but them’s the breaks.

    I had a similar reaction the first time I went to Ireland, btw, but must point out that calling the women plain isn’t fair at all. They just aren’t as inhumanly beautiful, as frequently, as the men are. I mean, you pass men on the street hourly or better who invalidate gravity and make your throat close.

  4. Miss Plumcake April 4, 2011 at 3:42 pm #

    @Violetta: The women were perfectly lovely, but the men are just disproportionately, ridiculously, pant-steamingly hott. Still not talking to Krista though!

    @Ravna: He struck me as very talented. I don’t actually watch a lot of movies because I get way too emotionally invested and sort of walk around in a funk for a week after a good movie. I’ll be sure to put The Wind that Shakes the Barley on my shortlist though. Thanks!

    @Klee: Seriously. I actually didn’t like Ireland the place all that much but boy, Ireland REALLY liked me.

  5. Thea April 4, 2011 at 4:20 pm #

    Mmmmmm, they ARE pretty, and I’ve never met a Jesuit who didn’t look like Mel Gibson’s younger, taller, hotter sane brother, but I have seen my share of Irish boys with virgin/whore complexes -and not in a GOOD way ;-)

  6. Thea April 4, 2011 at 4:20 pm #

    PS we missed you Plummie and we’re glad your back!

  7. Jinx April 4, 2011 at 4:34 pm #

    Welcome home! And ooooooooeeeeeeee! So hot. I do believe it’s time for a trip.

  8. Miss Plumcake April 4, 2011 at 4:49 pm #

    @Jinxy: Let’s hit Charlie’s and I’ll give you the REAL scoop. I will just tell you that when two American girls with big racks enter a small-town Irish pub on a Monday night and announce it’s their last night in the country, it’s like something out of Shark Week. Also featured: US Marines and the entire local rugby side.

  9. txbunny April 4, 2011 at 4:57 pm #

    @Thea – I totally agree – a lot of Irish boys (at least the ones I’ve met in the US) having the whole virgin/whore complex. Don’t know if it is Catholicism or culture but it has caused me to steer clear of the lot.

    I was never was one to dally and toss so it’s just not worth the fuckwattage.

    @Miss Plummy – Your are so right about how well Irish lads age. Yummy. Btw, I will gladly join the greek chorus rejoicing about your return.

  10. daisyj April 4, 2011 at 5:54 pm #

    Those are all some fine specimens of Irish manhood and I’m glad you had so much fun, but I’m still not speaking to you until you do the right thing and add Pierce Brosnan to that list. A girl has to stand by her principles.

  11. Miss Plumcake April 4, 2011 at 6:07 pm #

    @DaisyJ: I’m only holding off on Pierce because there is a James Bond Monday Hotness in the works. Don’t you worry your pretty little head about it.

    @Txbunny: You might want to watch the language if you don’t want me to have to fish you out of the spam filter.

  12. dcsurfergirl April 4, 2011 at 8:12 pm #

    Hey, Plumcake! Thanks for salvaging my Monday!

  13. ChloeMireille April 4, 2011 at 8:19 pm #

    Gabriel Byrne and Dylan Moran are my two favorite Irishmen. I’ve been hot for Gabriel since the cinematic hot mess that was “End of Days”, but only because I was an idiot for not spending my college years watching “The Usual Suspects” like normal people.

    As for Dylan Moran, I just watched Black Books for the first time last year, and I kind of fell in love with him. He’s got that whole “Dirty Hot” thing going like Colin Ferrell does, but in a “slightly unkempt” kind of way.

  14. Friv April 4, 2011 at 10:22 pm #

    Violet, I will fight you for Gabriel Byrne. And I fight dirty.

  15. Jennie April 4, 2011 at 11:27 pm #

    Thanks for all of the pics but the Torres link… something that round just begs to be… Dauummmmnnn!

  16. Talbot April 5, 2011 at 5:55 am #

    Being part Irish, I can tell you that both men and women start out as equally gorgeous children. The women start to look crummy as the guys are coming into their own because Irish guys are often, to put it bluntly, a pain in the ass in terms of LIFE. But they are so gorgeous that women stick by them. As the guys become attractively dissipated, the women become crones from nagging, worrying about money, working and raising the kids while the guys are off hoisting a few, etc.

  17. mariebruxelles April 5, 2011 at 8:46 am #

    Aarrgghh! Liam Neeson!!!
    (Why is there drool on my keyboard?)

  18. Thea April 5, 2011 at 11:37 am #

    Yeah my experience with Irish guys is that they are best served young, in a bar when you are an American girl with a rack announcing it’s your last night in Ireland…..or in Father Patrick’s Philosophy, Logic and Reason grad seminar…..sigh ;-)

  19. Miss Plumcake April 5, 2011 at 11:41 am #

    @Talbot: I suspected that was at least partially the case. Most of the Irish-American girls I know are complete beauties and stay that way, so it’s got to be the lifestyle.

    @Marie: You are and forever shall be my favorite among posters for that Zizou dressage post.

    @Thea:
    Yeah, I feel they’re like the French. Delightful to lease, a PITA to own.

  20. Miss Plumcake April 5, 2011 at 11:56 am #

    @Jennie: I know right? Xabi is still the only freckle-faced Spanish footballer for me, but there’s not a thing wrong with El Nino. On Sunday I was wandering about town in my Spain kit when I heard “Vamos Espana” yelled at me (because seriously girls, if there’s anything that gets a foreign guy’s attention, it’s a girl in a soccer jersey) This kid was a dead ringer for Torres (including the excellent bitchface)…and was trying to get All Up On This. Turned out he was eight.teen.years.old. Oh how I laughed.

    @Frivs: I think he should be placed in the safekeeping of a third party while you two duke it out. And by third party I mean me. and by safekeeping I mean pants.

    @ChloeMireille: I love Dylan Moran, LOVE HIM, but he does the messy slurry alcoholic thing so well I can’t get past it. I’d totally be the Fran in that situation.

  21. JenniferA April 5, 2011 at 12:58 pm #

    I have been attracted to Irish men for a loooong time! I live in Boston, so there is a plethora of them to choose from. :) My friends would beg me to go out with an American guy, and I tried, but they just weren’t for me. When I went to Ireland when I was 27 i was in heaven!!! And I am now happily engaged to a gorgeous, nice, kind, funny, did I mention amazing blue eyes, Irish man, that I met on my vacation!

    I will say most Irish men can be very immature and rude, but having been around the same group of my fiance’s friends for the past 4 years, I will tell you that they do grow up. It just takes awhile. His friends are also very loyal and they have embraced me as one of their own. Did I mention that they are all very handsome too!!! i don’t know whats in the water in their town, but damn!

  22. Alix D April 5, 2011 at 1:24 pm #

    Actually, my husband looks a lot like Cillian Murphy’s slightly dorky, taller younger brother.

    I am lucky, indeed.

  23. The Accidental Tangoiste April 5, 2011 at 9:56 pm #

    A few summers ago, I was standing in the buffet line at a church picnic in the Midwestern hamlet nearest my family’s old homestead, when I noticed that the elderly lady behind me spoke with a lovely Irish lilt. I asked about where, in Ireland, she was from, and we chatted for a bit, and then the old dear asked me whether I was married.

    “No,” I answered, holding up my unadorned left hand.

    “Then you must go to Ireland, my dear,” she told me, with a smile. “That’s the place to find a husband.”

    If anyone needs me, I’m going to be checking airfares.

  24. Jinx April 6, 2011 at 9:09 am #

    Plumsie- I’ll be at N’s bday party on Friday- does that work for you? We’ll have to devise a way to make the convo about him, of course, but I think we’re up to the task. Whoa, that sounds pretty catty- hopefully you know it’s 1/2 MEOW and 1/2 love.

  25. Miss Plumcake April 6, 2011 at 9:51 am #

    @Jinxy: I’m making a disco stop there too, so it’s a date! Besides, he’ll be too busy holding court to worry about us and that’s no meow and all love.

  26. jojo.k April 6, 2011 at 2:03 pm #

    So sad that I didn’t see this until Wednesday.
    But it gives a twist to Hump day, I must say.

    Are there any plans for a Monday Hotness for the other Celts, the Welsh? Because there is some hotness there as well.

  27. Ellen W. April 6, 2011 at 6:03 pm #

    Tragically- my little brother looks so much like Cillian Murphey it freaks me out. They way Murphey walks in the trailer for “The Wind that Shakes the Barley” even looks like the way my brother walks. @Alix – are you my sister-in-law? j/k

    PS- I worked for an Irish firm in the US for a year as their receptionist. All the Irish guys were much older and happily married, but they were a kick in the pants. Also- they swore in Irish Gaelic.

  28. lila April 7, 2011 at 11:20 pm #

    There is one glaring omission in this list. You left out Michael Fassbender!

  29. Kimks April 9, 2011 at 5:02 pm #

    Oh My!!! That is the hottest Monday Line Up Ever!!!! Liam looks insanely yummy– what can I say, I think it is the sexiest thing for a man to be in love with his partner and kids….

    Excuse me while I escape into lala fantasy world….

  30. Anne April 10, 2011 at 6:02 pm #

    Generally speaking, Jonathan Rhys Meyers is not my type -too small, too pretty….but I can’t help it – he is truly gorgeous! I love him in Velvet Goldmine.

  31. shiny April 13, 2011 at 1:26 pm #

    Y’all can keep your Irishmen (except Cillian Murphy) – I have always loved my Brits. Rupert Graves forever!