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Miss Plumcake’s Rules for Sexual Health | Manolo for the Big Girl

Miss Plumcake’s Rules for Sexual Health

Don’t Be Stupid.
Don’t Hurt Yourself.
Don’t Hurt Anyone Else More Than Necessary.
Get Yours. Repeatedly.

As much as I like poking fun at my own uh, poking fun, I don’t actually like to talk much about sex on this blog. One it’s a family show and I’m actually kind of a prude, but the whole subject is so fraught with fraughtness that it’s almost impossible to say something meaningful in 600 words which The University of the Internet tells me is about how many words I’ve got before you get distracted by your reflection in the toaster or start googling “Xabi Alonso Shirtless” for the 247th time that afternoon.

If you’re old enough to read, you’re old enough to know not to have unprotected sex outside of a committed relationship where both have you have tested clean, so that’s not the sort of stupid I’m talking about. What I mean is make sure you’re doing what –by which I mean who– you’re doing, for a not-stupid reason.

We’ve all done stupid stuff. The first professional soccer player I ever dated was a rebound guy carefully selected because he was Belgian and my first love –who now gratifyingly looks like Ooter from The Simpsons– was Dutch and hated the Belgians. I did that poor guy wrong and it still bothers me more than ten years later.

That was stupid.

Sleeping with a guy because you want to feel better about your body, your desirability, rebel against mommy or daddy or try to develop a relationship by injection so you won’t feel so alone? That’s even stupider.

It’s also self-destructive, which brings me to my second point. Don’t Hurt Yourself. You can’t, you CANNOT, screw your way to self-worth. If you could, there wouldn’t be strippers or therapists or strippers (I won’t say which I find more crazypants as a species, but I will say they don’t pay their rent in glitter-covered singles.) A big part of Not Treating Yourself Like Crap is not treating yourself like crap, and while I understand –boy do I understand– that mama needs to get herses, you gotta think about the long game. If what you really want is cookies, you can’t eat all the dough before they go in the oven. You’ll just end up sick, cookieless and probably in the hospital with salmonella.

Don’t hurt anyone else is almost as important as not hurting yourself, and for me, much more difficult. It takes discipline, and it’s a subtler art than not being self-destructive. It’s also more of a relationshipy thing, and thus it doesn’t really fit into the subject of sexual health, but seriously…don’t be a jerk.

Finally, Get Yours.

A good sense of your sexual self is the gift that keeps on giving, and no partner is required. Knowing what you like and what gets you where you need to go (and making sure you get there as often as you desire) is one of the best parts of being a grown up, with the bonus that if you know your body can make the earth move (for yourself and possibly a friend) it’s pretty hard to hate it.

It also saves you from a LOT of bad sex and there are few things worse on God’s green gumball than bad sex.

Okay gang, I’ve fixed the world and I’ve got some strawberries in balsamic waiting for me so I’m blowing this popsicle stand. Have a great weekend, don’t be stupid, don’t hurt anyone including yourself and get yours. Just don’t tell me about it. I said I was kind of a prude.

8 Responses to “Miss Plumcake’s Rules for Sexual Health”

  1. Jophiel May 27, 2011 at 10:37 pm #

    Gotta say, Miss Plumcake, “try to develop a relationship by injection” is the most description of the behavior you describe I’ve ever heard. Well done!

  2. Leah May 28, 2011 at 3:08 am #

    “You can’t, you CANNOT, screw your way to self-worth. ”
    AMEN…

  3. jamie May 28, 2011 at 7:57 am #

    Why is it you think therapists are crazy?

  4. Kimks May 28, 2011 at 1:50 pm #

    Great post, will send it to a certain young lady I know who is about to enter the big bad world. Need clarification on the following though:
    If you could, there wouldn’t be strippers or therapists or strippers (I won’t say which I find more crazypants as a species, but I will say they don’t pay their rent in glitter-covered singles.)

    Therapists can be as crazy as anybody, but they are helpful for some to find their self worth…

  5. Jophiel May 29, 2011 at 12:49 pm #

    “Graceful” is the missing word – “most graceful description”.

  6. Josie May 29, 2011 at 2:57 pm #

    I’ve never met a sane therapist, but maybe it’s because they wear their crazy on the outside as opposed to trapping it in the dark recesses of their souls only to wake at 3am, silently screaming. You know, like the rest of us.

    However, Miss P, I was also wondering, if one was to treat themselves well, sexually speaking, could they do that in one of those wrappy twisty infinity dresses? Not hijacking…totally on topic. But feel free to spill any thoughts you might have on the subject. Thank you.

  7. La Petite Acadienne May 30, 2011 at 8:58 pm #

    “try to develop a relationship by injection”

    Oh lordy. That one phrase basically just described my entire late teen’s – early 20’s. Where WERE you then? I could have used a friend like you.

    Then again, I probably wouldn’t have listened to you. Sigh.

  8. megaera June 6, 2011 at 4:32 am #

    I was all there until the cookie analogy. There are few things in this life I love more than cookie dough, and baked cookies, while tasty, aren’t one of them. Not saying your cookie analogy is flawed (I *did* read the “if what you want is cookies” line,) but I’ll be danged if baked cookies aren’t just an occasional by-product for me when I make a batch of cookie dough to eat.

    Shoot.

    Now I need to go buy chocolate chips…

    (Also, I know the risks I run eating it, but I’m ok with the odds, since they’re about the same as getting the flu.)
    And thanks, for girding yourself to write about this, I never knew you could sense someone squirm with discomfort over the interwebs before!